The laughter is loud as I walk in the door. I see him and my mom sitting on the couch watching old reruns of Three’s Company. I wave hello to Justin as I walk pass and up the stairs. My mom never hears me and never turns towards me.
It’s been two weeks since she’s been home and she’s slowly going down hill. She’s losing precious memories and one day she forgot who I was.
That was the night I broke down in tears while I laid in bed wide-awake.
That was the night when Justin came in to comfort me. He held me close, and whispered sweet lovingly things in my ear. He told me it would be okay, and by tomorrow she’d remember. He told me that no matter what happened to remember that she loved me.
And I did.
And the next morning as I went down the stairs she smiled and said ‘good morning Lauren’ Like it was nothing. Like she hadn’t forgotten who I was the day before.
The doctors warned me about that. That there were ups and downs day to day.
I didn’t believe them until now.
Because things have changed, drastically. It’s not like they hadn’t before, because they have. But now things are really... different.
Like the one time she tried to catch the house on fire. No she didn’t try. It was an accident. She had Justin and I scared to death. Literally.
Then there was the time the stove caught on fire because he heard my mom groaning with pain. The stove was wasted.
That cost me about five hundred.
Luckily no one was hurt.
Where was I in all this?
I was out. Walking, to beat it all. I had to get away and Justin didn’t argue. He knew I was having trouble. One time he literally pushed me out the door.
There’s a knock on my door and I don’t need to answer it because I know who it is. I lay down on the bed and look at the ceiling as he walks in. “How’s mom?”
“Sleeping.” He smiles softly as he walks over and lies on his stomach and kisses my cheek. “How was your walk?”
I take a deep breath and sigh. “Okay.”
“Did you think some things through?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “I just... I can’t think anymore. It’s like my head is full of smog and smoke.”
“Well did the walk help?” His head is lying on the pillow now, his arm over my stomach.
“A little.” I chew on the inside of my cheek. It’s a bad habit that makes it sore the next day.
Silence engulfs us as we lay there watching the fan spin around in the same meaningless circle. I sigh and he sighs and we're content without talking. Because if you think about it. We are talking; we’re just not using our voices.
We’re using our body.
That’s right, body language.
I turn on my side and he turns on his back and I lay my head on his chest and his arm wraps around me and holds me close. I sigh and he sighs.
And we're content.
The sighing continued for many hours until night fell and we don't hear a word form her mother down stairs. I slip my arm from under her and creep out of bed and out into the hall. I go to the bathroom and take quick piss and flush the toilet. She’s standing in her doorway wiping what little sleep she got out of her eyes. “What time is it?”
“I don’t know.” Honestly, I don’t.
We walk down stairs; I’m heading towards the kitchen. And she’s heading towards the living room where we’re keeping her mom. She must be fine because I don’t hear a thing.
I open the fridge and grab a pop and make my way back to the living room. I pop the tab and take a long drink of the liquid and sigh with satisfaction. Root beer. Good shit.
And suddenly my world is turned upside down as I see her on the floor. My muscles aren’t working and I drop the can of pop and stare at her as she cries alone.
I look past her to the woman lying on the bed and my heart falls. Her face is a ghostly white.
I slowly make small steps towards her and reach out a shaky hand and feel her head. She’s cold as ice.
She’s dead.
I turn around quickly and look at the broken woman at my feet. She’s crying her eyes out and I don’t think there's a thing for me to do.
The first time I don’t know what to say, or do for her.
I feel helpless.
I plop down on the couch, my mouth hanging open and catching flies as I stare at her. Her heart is breaking into a million pieces.
And.... there’s nothing I can do.
Justin called the ambulance and they came about twenty minutes later. Told us precisely when she died. It was five o’clock, right after we went upstairs. They said she died in her sleep, and they say she didn’t feel any pain. And even if there was pain, it was quick.
I’m sitting here at the kitchen table looking out at the sunrise drinking stale coffee and thinking about it all. Analyzing it all. Justin’s in the living room sitting quietly. I don’t think he’s moved after he made the call.
People say losing a parent is hard. And I never thought it would be. I pretended when I was younger that mine would live on forever to take care of me and love me.
Funny how childhood dreams end.
There’s my neighbors’ dog shitting in my yard again, and usually I yell at it and call the neighbor and complain. But today, I don’t have the strength.
I think Justin's in more shock than I am. I had laid on that floor crying last night way after the paramedics left. He didn’t hold me, he didn’t touch me, and he didn’t say a word to me.
I don’t think he knew what to say.
And if I was in his shoes, I wouldn’t either.
Now there’s a funeral to plan, and I don't have any relatives to lean on. My dad is a... he’s in prison and all my aunts and uncles are far away. And I don’t feel like making any phone calls right now as it is.
I just want to sit here and rot away.
Justin walks in and stares at me before changing the filter on the coffee. “It’s old.” He mutters.
Those are the first two words he’s spoken to me.
“It’s okay.” I clear my throat and he turns to look at me.
“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s not.”
I sigh and he sighs. It’s the dead silence hanging around us that is making us uncomfortable around each other. Because he doesn't know what to say, and I don’t know what to do. “Really.” I bit my lower lip. “It's okay.”
“Are we talking about the coffee?” His voice is monotone but nonetheless it brings a small smile to my face that lasts a whole two seconds.
But it felt good.
“I don’t know.” I sip on my coffee and he pushes the on button and watches the coffee fall from the top of the machine. “Justin?”
He slowly turns around and his eyes are glassy and I frown at the sight. “Yeah?” He clears his throat to get rid of the tears and smiles softly for me. But the smile doesn’t last.
I don’t think I’ve seen him cry out of this whole ordeal.
Ordeal. Nice word for my mothers death huh?
I stand up and walk to him with open arms.
He accepts and we stand there hugging each other for a very long time.
Because forever doesn’t last.
It didn’t last in childhood dreams. So why would it last now?
“I didn’t know what to say.” He mutters against my shoulder. I can feel his hot tears soaking into the fabric.
“It’s okay.” I kiss his ear.
“I didn’t want to say sorry, because that wasn’t good enough.”
“It’s fine.” My hand rubs his back and I kiss his ear again.
“You were there on that floor and I didn’t now what to do or say...” He sniffs. “Even now I want to say I’m sorry. But I know it’s not enough.”
“Justin, it’s okay. Really.” I’m crying now myself.
I thought I was done.
I guess not.
I wipe my eyes on his shirt and he does the same on mine before we look each other in the eye. And even now we don’t know what to say to each other.
Things are awkward.
Very awkward.
I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’m making a few calls to a few places to hold her mothers funeral. I want a nice place. With tons of flowers, and not the kind you give to dead people, not the ones that look like they’re dead too.
I want beautiful vibrant ones that light up the room.
Because that’s how Lauren wants her mom to be remembered. And really, I don’t blame her.
“Yes. I was calling to see if there was an opening in the very near future for a funeral.” I nod. “Yeah. My name is Justin Timberlake. No I’m not related to the deceased. Just a close friend. Uh huh.” I nod. “Close relative to the deceased? Lauren Nichols.” I nod and listen as the woman talks.
“Yes. Her name is Lauren Nichols. N-i-c-h-o-l-s. Nichols.” I nod. “Kelly Nichols. Yes spelled the same.” Duh.
“Sure we can be down there this afternoon. Okay, thanks. Bye.” I hang up the phone and sigh. Now it’s time to make a few phone calls and sigh out the bad news.
The only reason I’m doing this is because I know Lauren can’t. She can deny this until the day she dies. But I know her and just finding a funeral place and calling her relatives will kill her.
So I’m doing it for her.
My mom is number one. The phone rings two times before my little brother answers. “Hello?”
“Hey Jon.” I smile softly. “Is mama around?”
“Yeah. How are you? I miss you. I love you.” His little voice rings in my ears.
“I’m doing okay, and I miss you too and love you too.” I smile softly. “Can you put mama on the phone?”
“Yeah.” I hear a rustle and I know the phone is being handed over to her. “Hey baby. How is everything?”
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “Not good Mom. Not good.”
Two hours pass and I finally hang up the phone with the last person just as Lauren walks in the door. “Who were you talking to?”
“You’re Aunt Sandy.” I lick my lips and grab a pop from the fridge.
“Why did she call?” She sets her purse down on the counter along with her keys. She must have gone for a drive instead of a walk.
“How was your drive?”
“You’re not answering my question.” She’s giving me that stare. The stare I completely hate.
I sigh. “I made the phone calls. We have a meeting with Mr. Jones at two o’clock.”
“Who’s Mr. Jones?”
She’s standing before me with her hands on her hips and doing that stare I hate.
“He's a funeral home guy.” I scratch the back of my head nervously and sit down and open my pop. As soon as the tab is open, all hell broke loose.
“JUSTIN!” She yells. “HOW could YOU! I said I’d get to that.”
“I’m sorry. I thought I’d be nice and do it for you.” I hesitantly sip my coke.
“No, you think I can’t do anything without you. Well guess what I can. I can walk, talk, sit, eat, sleep, and breathe without THE Justin FUCKING Timberlake by my side!”
I stand up and glare at her. I don’t want to hurt her but if she’s going to yell I might as well do my share of it too.
“I was being nice. Lauren, you know NICE? I know you’ve heard the word before. Maybe you’ve even done it. I hate to tell you this girl. But guess what?”
“What?” She’s glaring now. I hate her glare.
“I can live without you too. I can live without the sexy LAUREN NICHOLS in my life! I can sit, stand, eat, talk, walk, breath, spit, fart, piss and shit without you holding my hand!”
Oh yeah. I pissed her off.
She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “Get out.”
I stare at her in shock at the two words that came from her mouth. HER mouth. “What?” I’m barely audible. I don’t know if she heard me. I don’t know if I said anything.
“I said get out.” She points to the door and I stare at her for a minute before grabbing my pop and heading out the door.
It’s going to be a long walk because she drove me here and I’ve stayed here with her for so long. So yeah, I have a long walk ahead of me.
This is wonderful. Just.... Wonderful.
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