By MrsKateChasez
I’d really like to believe all that you say. Really, I would. However, my dear, I just can’t bring myself to do so.
You place a feather-light kiss on my forehead and stand at the side of our huge, comfy bed. My side of our huge, comfy bed. The white down comforter is up to about my shoulders, I’m currently hugging a pillow, and I’m tangled up in thoughts of you. I can feel you staring at me, watching me. I don’t dare open my eyes for you yet. I know that you watch be sleep, it usually wakes me up, you know. I guess I don’t mind, though, my dear, because I like to watch you sleep too. You look so amazingly perfect. You lay there, sleeping so peacefully. Your face is so relaxed, your whole body melts into the bed and your breathing is so soft. I only have to watch for a moment and my whole world is back to the way I had always dreamed.
You sigh. You’re off again. Only, this time, it’s not for too long. Just the day. Some photo shoot and an interview for a teen magazine, all of your adoring fans. They give you what you have, you know. They gave you everything in this beautiful house, the clothes you wear, the food you eat, the beverages you drink. They gave you the lavish lifestyle you lead. They led me to you, or you to me. Either way, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, my dear, because all that matters is that we’ve found one another. Don’t grow bitter, darling. Everything will be fine.
My green eyes flutter open just as you turn to walk away. I stir underneath the covers and the sound of the down comforter moving makes you turn back to look at me. I smile a tired smile, pull one of my arms from underneath the covers and wave a small wave. You smile back at me, that happy smile of yours that I love. You take a few steps back towards the bed and lean in to kiss me again. I lick my lips, thinking you’ll brave whatever morning breath I have, but you only place another soft kiss on my cheek.
“Morning,” you whisper.
I smile and stretch my arms. “Mmmhmm,” I say.
“Go back to sleep, baby,” you whisper again.
“Are you leaving,” I wonder aloud, even though I know you are. I always ask, it’s like a game that we play. You leave every morning and every morning I ask you the same thing. I’m not quite sure why I always ask, but I don’t think you mind.
“Yeah,” you whisper and quickly kiss my lips when I’m not ready. “I’ll see ya tonight hopefully.” You walk away from the bed. You’re at the door.
Hopefully? Since when did hopefully happen? I find myself wondering why you would have added the hopefully in there. That wasn’t what we discussed last night, my dear. What does hopefully mean? Did it mean that there was more in your schedule today that you didn’t share with me yesterday?
“I’m sorry,” I say, “what?”
You sigh again and quickly glance to the watch around your wrist. I can see that you’re getting antsy. You hate being late, and that’s what I’m about to make you. I see your face do that thing when you’re being forced to do something you don’t want to. You don’t look at me with the warm eyes you did before. Your blue eyes have turned frosty as they look at me with a hint of desperation. I know now. I know that you’d like to leave. You hadn’t planned on me actually waking up, not today. You hate being late, I get it.
“I said, I’ll see you tonight,” you tell me quickly and glance at your watch again.
I look away from you because it actually hurts me to watch you struggle to stay with me for just one more moment. I lick my lips slowly, not trying to seduce you, of course, but to give myself something else to think about other than the fact that you’d rather talk to a complete stranger than the woman you claim to love. I bite my bottom lip as I close my eyes for a very long blink. When I open my eyes, you’re still here, thank goodness. Your hands are on your hips, you’re waiting. You know that I’ve got more to say and you know that you’ve hurt my feelings. At least you know.
“You said hopefully,” I say quietly. I look back at you, my big, green eyes staring at you. I did the look, I made the face. Not intentionally, darling. I gave you my puppy dog eyes, I let the look of vulnerability cross my face. I have you hooked in.
You walk slowly to the bed once again and you sit right next to me on the edge. You had to push my legs out of the way a little bit, but you’re with me now. I sit up and wrap the blankets around my chest even though you and I both know I’ve got a tank top on. You lick your lips now and I watch. I do the same. You lean into me and place a soft kiss on my pink lips. I smile just a little bit as you pull away and then it’s my turn to lean into you and kiss you lightly on the lips. It’s now your turn to smile.
“I just meant to say,” you say, “that I think I’ll be home.”
I frown. “Why wouldn’t you be home?”
You sigh. And then I sigh because you sighed. You’re getting upset and because of that, I’m getting upset. I look away from you, my eyebrows furrowed. You stand up, our moment has been ruined. You walk over to the door without a word. I refuse to look at you because you’ve now offended me. You knock pointlessly on the wood panel of the doorframe and tell me goodbye. I still won’t look at you because I know, I know, my dear, that you’ll smile at me, tell me you love me and tell me to have a good day. And in spite of myself, I’ll smile, tell you I love you and tell you the same thing.
“Anna,” you say to me from the door. I know that you want me to look at you, but I just won’t do it. You sigh when you realize that I truly am upset. “I love you, baby. Have a good day.”
You tap the doorframe once again. I’m sure that that’s your last attempt to see if I’ll look or not. I take the tapping as your way of telling me that you’re really leaving this time.
And you’ve trapped me. I look to see if you’re really gone because if you are and I didn’t say goodbye or I love you, I’ll be even more upset. You are gone. I quickly get out of bed, straighten the clothes on my body and walk as calmly but quickly as I can to the door. I see you on your way down the stairs.
“Justin, wait,” I call inadvertently. You stop in your tracks about halfway down and turn to look at me. “I’m sorry,” I tell you and meet you on the stairs. You wrap your arms around me and hold me tight. “I love you,” I whisper. “Have a good day.”
You quickly kiss my lips and flash that million dollar smile of yours. You tell me goodbye one more time and jog down the stairs. Before I know it, I’m all alone again. And my heart breaks a little.
I’d really like to believe in the smile that you leave when you walk away and say goodbye. Really, I would. However, my dear, I just can’t bring myself to do so.
I know that you love me. Really, I do. I also know that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, so that’s how I know that you’ve always been true. Not once, in all of the years we’ve known each other, have I ever suspected there to be someone else. My friends often ask me how I have so much faith, how I can trust you, especially since you’re gone for such long periods of time. My answer is simple. You adore me. I know that. I also know that if I were ever to be untrue to you, you would be crushed, just as I would be. I was never worried or suspicious when you were linked to other women behind my back. Now, my dear, I have asked you flat out whether or not there was any truth to these allegations, but you always told me no. And I believed you. I never had any reason not to.
You always tell me that you’re here for me when I need you. You claim to be the shoulder that I can cry into. You’re the warm, protective arms I can turn to when everything seems to be going wrong. And, for the most part, you have been. Except when you’re not. Now, you must be thinking that I’m not making sense, but you just wait, darling. For example, when you’re on tour you can’t be here for me. You can’t be my strength. Sure, racking up the cell phone bills because we both go over our minutes helps get through some crappy days. And sure, when you’re on tour and can’t get to your phone at the moment, I can always leave a message for you and I know that as soon as you get it you’ll call me back. Especially if I call crying because then you’ll apologize profusely for not being able to take care of me.
The question is, dear, am I there when you need me? Am I the kind of woman who will be there when you’ve had a crappy day and need to get it off of your chest? Am I the kind of woman you can call at three o’clock in the morning and proclaim undying devotion to just because you felt like I might have forgotten? Because sometimes, baby, I wonder whether or not you know how much I love you. I know we say I love you all the time and everyday, but do you know that I mean all three words every time I say them to you? And do you remember those nights when you’re on tour or just can’t make it home for a few days due to an appearance someplace and I tell you just how much I love you? Exactly what you mean to me? With similes and everything? I guess I just want you to know that I know that you mean it too.
So, that’s why this is so hard. You seem so distant now, like something is wrong. I feel as though I’m being shut out of your life. You probably think this is absurd because we talk about anything and everything it seems, but something is different. Before you left in the mornings, we used to snuggle. We don’t snuggle so much anymore. We used to spend Sunday mornings cuddled up in bed with coffee and books. Well, books for me while you read the paper. We don’t spend Sundays in bed anymore. You used to sing to me in the middle of the night when I would wake up to go to the bathroom and then not be able to fall back asleep. You never complained about being up too, you just sang to me until I fell back into dream world. You don’t sing to me anymore.
I don’t expect the world to move underneath me, but for God’s sake, could you try? Could you try to let me back in? I just miss you so much.
It makes me wonder where your heart is. Perhaps it’s taken an overdue vacation or maybe you left it someplace. I just don’t know what to think because I don’t really feel you anymore. It’s not the way we used to be. They say that growing up sometimes means growing apart, but they also say that growing up means growing together. I’d like to believe that we’ve grown together. I want so badly to believe what you say, when you tell me how much I mean to you. I want to believe you when you tell me that you haven’t noticed a change in our relationship. I want to believe you when you tell me that there isn’t anyone else. I just want to know whether or not it’s really so hard to give me what I need. What do I need? Oh, dear, I need to know that you’re still there and that your heart bleeds. I want and I need to know that your heart still bleeds for me. I just want to know where your heart is.
It’s nighttime now. The streetlights are lit and night has fallen among us. You’re not home yet and I haven’t heard from you since this morning before you left me on the stairs. I don’t dare call you. I don’t know why though. Isn’t that strange? I step out on the balcony attached to our bedroom and sit in one of the chez lounges out here. I look up to the moon and I see that it’s taunting me. How unfair, I think. What did I do to the moon? I’ve fallen for a man who no longer loves me. I leave the moon and walk back inside. I decide I need to go back downstairs and wait for you.
It seems as though I had blinked. The truth is that I had fallen asleep and was awakened by the clicking of the closing door. I heard you take your shoes off in the laundry room and drop your keys in the small ceramic bowl I painted on our fourth real date. You walk quietly up the stairs but pause for you hear me stir on the couch. There is very little light, only the moon through the windows in the living room. You make your way back down the stairs and over to the plush couch I’m laying on. You sit down next to me on the edge. You had to push my legs out of the way a little bit, but I don’t mind. You smile slightly and kiss my forehead.
“Hi, baby,” you say softly.
I smile a little too and shift on the couch so I am in a sitting position. I lick my lips slowly and run my fingers through my red hair. “You’re home,” I plainly state the obvious. I lean in to kiss the corner of your mouth. Oh, you smell so good.
“How was your day,” you wonder.
“Fine,” I shrug. I shift again so you can sit further back on the couch. You oblige and sit so close to me. I snuggle up to you and you wrap an arm around my shoulders. Completely content, we are.
You lay your head back on the couch. “I got you something today,” you say softly. I can tell that you’re tired. Photo shoots always tire you out.
Secretly I am excited for this new present, but I never let it on. “You didn’t have to get me anything, you know that,” I say instead.
“Annie,” you say. I love it when you call me Annie. “I did need to get you something.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because I love you.”
You stand up slowly and walk back towards the laundry room. I remain on the couch but crane my neck in your direction. I hear you open the door to the garage and I stand up to greet you in the laundry room. When you return from outside, your hands are full with what looks like a dozen white roses and a few unidentifiable boxes. I instinctively smile. You slide past me and walk back into the living room, this time turning the light on the side table nearest you. I skip after you with a huge smile never leaving my face. You don’t sit back down on the couch like I thought you would, you just stand there, watching the presents.
“Go ahead,” you tell me with a smile.
I sit down on the couch and reach for a thin rectangular box that I recognize as a bracelet box. I smile up at you and proceed to open the gift in front of me. When I open it, I see only an envelope. I look up at you, obviously confused. Where’s the bracelet. Oh, whoa, hold on. Now, I’d like to remind you, darling, that I am not superficial. But you, of course, already knew that. That’s why you smile and get down on your knees in front of me. You rest your arms on my knees and encourage me to continue. I cautiously lift the flap of the envelope, which feels ominously empty, and see a slip of paper with your handwriting on it.
How’s this? It asks me and I look at you. But now you’re on one knee and you have a small square box in your hand. I know exactly what it is. You smile and clear your throat and I immediately recognize it as a sign of uncertainty and anxiety on your part. I don’t mean to, but my eyes fill with tears and I’m afraid that if I blink they’ll spill down my face. I swallow the lump in my throat and stare into your eyes.
You commence your proposal of marriage. “I know that you’ve noticed that I’ve been acting like a crazy person, Annie, but that’s because I’ve been thinking about doing this for a long time. I’ve been so busy with the album and the promo stuff and I began to realize that I was neglecting you.” You pause to collect your thoughts for a moment, and while you do so, I cover my mouth with my hand as a tear falls from my eye. “Once I realized how I had been treating you, I felt weird. I wasn’t sure whether or not you were mad at me so I started to walk on eggshells. And this morning, I had to get to a meeting with the jeweler who made your ring, that’s why I was short with you.” I breathe deeply. “I pushed back the photo shoot, so I’m sorry I’m so late.”
Not exactly what I was expecting, but I quickly realize you’re not finished.
“Anna, I love you more than anything or anyone in this world. I began to think that maybe you were doubting me when I told you that this was true and that made my heart break. I never want you to forget how much you mean to me. I want to be able to tell you everyday that I love you. I want to come home and be able to be lazy and watch movies with you on a Friday night because there’s not one else I’d rather spend my time with. I want to have a family with you. So, Anna Grace Montgomery, will you marry me?”
I wipe my eyes, sniffle a second and break into a smile. I nod wordlessly. Your shaky hand slips the gorgeous platinum ring around my left hand ring finger and once it’s on I whisper “yes”. I realize quickly that it was delayed, but you don’t care. You kiss my lips and wrap your arms around me. I do the same to you and hold on tight.
I no longer have to wonder where your heart is because it’s with mine.
