CHAPTER 4
My questions for Justin were waiting on his desk when he entered class the next day.
"You don't waste any time, do you?" He said, slipping into his seat.
"I already told you, I'm getting an A on this assignment. Plus, I don't have any time to waste. We're already three days into this project and I still know nothing about you."
Justin was about to reply, but Mr. Watts interrupted him, making an announcement to the class. "By now, you should all know to expect the unexpected in my class. I have decided that every other day I will be adding new twists to your assignment, to make sure you all are working and getting the best out of your partners. Today's 'twist' is a simple one: tomorrow you are to report to class with three pictures of yourself. One of them must be from your childhood, the other two are up to you. Don't just pick random pictures. I want you to pick pictures taken of you during special times or events. There should be a story behind the picture. This extra assignment is worth some significant credit in your overall biography grade, so do it. That is all."
I rolled my eyes as Mr. Watts returned to his desk to grade papers. "Expect the unexpected?" What was this, a television show? And photos? Didn't that man know that I had spent my life dodging cameras? In all of my high school yearbooks, my name was on the "Not pictured" list. So why would I voluntarily bring photos to school?
Justin leaned in near me. "Even though Mr. Watts says this is a simple twist, it's not that simple for you, huh?" Was Justin actually being sensitive? "I mean, you probably don't take many pictures."
"No, not really," I said, hesitantly. I still didn't trust Justin, even if we had gotten along for a few minutes the night before.
"It must be hard to be you," Justin kept a sensitive tone in his voice, but there was a smirk on his face--which meant an insult was coming. "It must be so hard to be the girl that always breaks the camera before pictures are taken."
I just shook my head. "I am not in the mood for this today, Justin."
"Oh, just admit it--you don't have a comeback! For once, you don't have a comeback!"
"Alright, I don't have a comeback," I admitted.
Wait, rewind! I, the girl of a thousand retorts, did not have a comeback? What was happening to me? Did I just let Justin beat me in a battle of words?
"But," I added, "who would ever want to come back to you? You are not worth my time…"
"Au contraire, I am worth your time… if you want to get an A, that is."
"Okay, whatever… anyway, be sure you answer those questions I put on your desk by tomorrow. I want to get started on writing the biography. Do you have any questions for me?"
"Yeah, just one… why are you so ugly?"
Justin waited for a response, but I honestly couldn't give him one. I was so shocked and so hurt. I was shocked that I was hurt. I was… speechless. I tried to open my mouth to respond, but nothing came. I didn't know what to say.
"What's the matter?" Justin laughed. "Cat got your tongue? Or should I say, side of cow got your tongue? That's what you would be more likely to eat…"
"I don't know." I said quietly.
"What, did you say something?" Justin asked.
"I said, 'I don't know.' I don't know why I'm ugly. I wonder why I am every single day. And I still can't find an answer."
"Well, maybe if you stopped eating as much…"
"It's not just being fat that makes a person ugly, Justin. Even if I were skinny, I'd still be ugly. It's my face that's ugly. No amount of exercise can change that."
"But it would help…"
I laughed bitterly. "It would help what? Okay, so I wouldn't be called Wideload anymore. No, I'd just be called Dog-Face. That's so much better. Thank you, Justin, for your excellent advice--not! Let me lay it out for you: society doesn't like ugly people. Ugly is bad, ugly is wrong. That's what makes it okay to tease and torment people like me, because it's the right thing to do… because maybe if you hurt me bad enough, it'll make me stop being so ugly. Well, it won't. I'm ugly and I am going to always be ugly. And I don't know why I am. I just am."
"In case you didn't know, Alison, it's not just your face that's ugly. You act like such a victim, crying 'Woe is me!' all the time, but you're ugly on the inside, too. You're mean to everyone that's remotely good looking. Don't even try to deny it."
"Justin, you know the difference between you and me?"
"Besides one of us weighing 500 pounds more than the other? No…"
"The difference between you and I," I continued, ignoring his rude comment, "is that the only reason people are nice to you is because you come in a pretty package. You're just as ugly as me in the inside, if not uglier, yet people accept you because you're 'hot.' I'm not going to deny that I am mean--but I have a reason to be. Especially when everyone on this freaking planet treats me like crap when they don't even know anything about me."
Justin rolled his eyes. "All I am saying is this: it's easier for people to be mean back to someone who's mean to them. No one feels guilty about calling you names because no one can even tell that you're hurt by it. Take Suzy over there. If anyone were to say something bad about her, not only would that person feel bad about it, but tons of people would defend her because Suzy's a really sweet person. But no one wants to stand up for you because you've been nothing but rude to them."
"What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to cry everyday in front of people so that they will finally sympathize with me? Am I supposed to stand there and take it every time someone insults me? Let me tell you something--I tried being nice, being weak, when I was little. It didn't help anything--it just egged my tormentors on. Insulting people back is the only weapon I have… I can't out-beautify them, I can't run away… so if people use that as a reason to be mean to me or ignore my existence, I am sorry, but I cannot feel sorry for them."
"Class, that is the kind of conversation you should all be having," Mr. Watts stood up at his desk and pointed to Justin and me, leaving us in silence. "See how passionate they are--this is just the sort of stuff that you should have in your biographies--passion! Carry on!"
Justin and I remained silent, especially since the whole class was looking at us. I don't know how much of our conversation they heard, but I knew that I didn't want to "carry on" with all of them listening.
Soon, people got bored with just looking at us doing nothing and went back to their work.
Justin was the one to break our quietude. "Look, all I'm saying is this… maybe just try being nicer. Maybe it'll change the way people look at you."
I turned to him and said, "And maybe you should try being ugly… maybe it will change the way people look at you."
With that said, the bell rang. Justin grabbed his stuff and left the classroom without a word… and without my questions.
***
I was working on my math homework that evening when my mother knocked on my bedroom door.
"Come in," I called out, not bothering to look up from my work.
"Honey, I have those photo albums you asked me about before," she said, opening the door. "I'll just leave them on your bed."
I heard the albums fall onto my bed, and then the sound of my mother's feet leaving the room. I put down my pencil and turned around.
The thick photo albums on my bed were slightly dusty; they hadn't been opened in a long time. My parents were sensitive to my own sensitivity about my looks, and so there weren't many pictures taken or displayed around our house.
I approached my bed and slowly opened the top album. The first picture I saw was one of me right after I was born, cleft palate and all. Ugly since day one, I thought to myself as I turned the page.
That evening, I went through all four albums that my mother had left me, wondering which pictures I would choose. Mr. Watts' wanted photos that had stories behind them--all of my photos had the same story… the story of my broken and bitter life.
***
Justin was eager to share his photos with me the next day. Actually, he was eager to show them to the whole class, since it seemed like the photos got around to them before they got to me. All the girls cooed about how cute Justin was as a child, and whispered comments about how cute he was now.
I, on the other hand, was happy that Justin was so preoccupied with himself--as usual. My pictures were hidden at the bottom of my backpack, buried deep with the hope that they would remain there.
"Class, class," Mr. Watts addressed us after our volume level continued to increase and everyone's pictures were being passed around. "Please, pass the pictures back to their respective owners and begin sharing the story behind them. I do hope you have stories because these pictures and their stories will be put into the biography."
Justin's photos were passed back to him from all corners of the classroom, the cooing still continuing. Once he received all his photos, he turned to me.
"So, you want to see my photos?"
"No, but since I have to, pass them here."
He handed me his pictures, all three super-glossy and high definition. One was from when he was about two years old: he had adorable curly blond hair and was in his pajamas, playing with a toy guitar. "I loved that guitar," he told me. "I have always loved music, and my mom told me that she knew that I was going to be a musician the day I saw that in the store and cried until I got it. I still have it, too. For memories sake."
The second picture was one of Justin when he was a little bit older, around ten. He was grinning from ear to ear, his blond hair capped by a big white cowboy hat. He also wearing this horrendously pattered shirt. "That picture is from when I did Star Search. I didn't win, but I think I did pretty good. Of course, that picture was before I actually performed. When I lost, I wasn't that happy."
Star Search? Maybe Justin was more talented than I thought he was capable of being.
"And that last picture," he said, pointing to a picture of him with his arm around a young girl's shoulder, "is me backstage at the Mickey Mouse Club.
"Who's the girl?" I asked, curious.
"That's Britney Spears," he smiled. "She was my first girlfriend. After the show was cancelled, we kind of lost touch. I wonder what she's up to now…"
"She's probably barefoot and pregnant… I wouldn't worry about her."
"You never know," Justin said. "She could end up being the love of my life."
I laughed. "I highly doubt that. She's probably too good for you. She's probably going to do things with her life, while you… well, you're going to be stuck being you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
"Okay, well, it's my turn to see your pictures. You did bring some, right? I mean, I have been dying to see pictures of Big Foot all of my life. Before you, I didn't believe that he existed."
"Well, before you, I didn't know that a talking butt ever existed." I retorted. "I did bring pictures, let me get them out of my backpack." I dug inside my backpack for my three little pictures. Once I got them, I put them on Justin's desk. "There."
"So, explain them…"
"Fine. That first one, is of my best friend Maria and me. That was taken at the first sleepover we ever had. I was so happy to have finally made a friend, to finally have someone to talk to and to have someone that understood me. That was one of the best nights of my life… we had so much fun."
"Nice story. How about this next one?"
"Okay, that's when I got this one haircut in the third grade. My mom made me pose and said it was the cutest thing she had ever seen. I believed her. I went to school the next day, thinking that I looked good, but then this guy named Billy said I looked like a whale with bangs. That was the day my crush on Billy ended."
"Oh, how moving." Justin said without any emotion. "What about this last one?"
"That's me on Halloween. My favorite holiday. That particular picture is from when I was ten, and I wanted to be a princess. I had a mask, too, so no one knew that I was any different from every other chubby kid running around out there. I love Halloween. On Halloween, I feel normal."
"That's, uh, kind of weird."
"I wouldn't expect you to understand." I sighed. "Speaking of understanding, what don't you understand about answering my questions? We have a bet. Can you please take these questions home and answer them seriously?" I said, pushing my paper of questions toward him.
"No problemo," he said, taking the papers and putting him in his backpack. "There, I have your questions. Now you can't bother me about them."
"I'm serious, Justin. I need you to answer them in order for me to write a good paper about you."
"Don't worry… your questions will be answered tonight."
***
I was reading a book that evening when the telephone rang. Since I was a pretty anti-social person, I usually didn't answer the phone. But when my mother told me it was for me, I knew it was Maria.
"Hey girl," I said into the telephone.
"Hey, Ali… okay, you will never believe what I have to tell you!"
I had been lying on my bed up until that point, but I sat up. "What, what is it?"
"Okay, so you know how I told you Lance is in a band, right? Well, tonight, he took me to one of his rehearsals, and who do I see none other than Justin Timberlake?"
"What?" I was confused. "Wait, Justin is in a band with your boyfriend, Lance."
"Yup," Maria said through the phone. "It's Lance, Justin, and these three other guys. I don't know their names."
Oh. This was news. "So, are they any good?"
"Well, they are still working on their material and getting their harmonies down, but I would say they are good. Especially Justin."
"Why can't he be bad at anything?" I was angry… how come Justin got to be smart, good-looking, and talented? It just wasn't fair!
"I don't know, girl. Anyway, they are signaling for me to get off of the phone, so I gotta go. I just wanted to tell you what was up."
I hung up the phone with Maria. Justin was in a music group… that was hard for me to believe, because it seemed to me that he wasn't one to share the spotlight with anyone.
***
"I don't have them," Justin said to me in class the following day before I could even ask him about the questions. "I was at a rehearsal last night, and I brought them with me there, but then I forgot them and when I called JC to ask him if I could pick them up, he said he had thrown them away."
"I cannot believe this!" I slapped my desk in frustration. "That's twice my questions were destroyed! Twice! And we only have like, a week left before this assignment is due and all I know about you is that you were on some TV shows as a kid and you like music. That's not enough for five pages!"
"Listen, I'm sorry… I did really mean to do them. I keep my bets, my promises, my word. I am sorry."
"JC?" Suddenly, I realized that Justin had mentioned JC's name. "As in my cousin, JC? JC Chasez?"
"Yeah, him. He's in the group that I am in."
"I can't believe this. I can't believe it."
Justin looked confused. "You can't believe what?"
"I can't believe how many ways you are connected to my life. You go to school with me, you're in my best friend's boyfriend's band, and he happens to be in a band with my cousin. Which means you're in the same band as my cousin. I don't understand it."
"Maybe it's fate," Justin said, huskily. "Maybe we're meant to be together."
"Oh shut up! We're meant to be together so you can torture me? Yeah, uh huh. And don't try that Barry White voice on me… it doesn't work. You see this? This area around me is a no-swooning zone."
Justin shrugged. "Why don't you just give in to your heart, in to your desires?"
"Right now the only thing I desire is to punch you… anyway, I don't know what I am going to do about the questions. I really, really need to learn some stuff about you before next week, so I can write that paper."
"Class," Mr. Watts interrupted us. "Remember the 'twists' I was telling you about? Well, I have two for you today. Here's the first one: you must interview a family member or a close friend of the person you have to do your biography on. Information from this interview must be used in your biography. Today is Friday, so you have plenty of time to set up your interviews and use them before your paper is due. The second twist is this: today someone who is not your partner will interview you and you will interview that person. You must take notes and give them to that person's partner when the interviews are finished. This is a way for your partner to get information and answers to questions they would have never thought of asking. I have selected partners at random, and when I am done explaining, you will sit by that person. Your interviews will each be ten minutes long, short enough so that they can be completed in class today."
Mr. Watts went on to read who we would be partnered with. I was lucky and got Suzy Phillips, the nice girl that Justin had spoken about only a day before.
"Hi, Alison," she said, walking to my desk. Justin decided that he would be the one get up and meet his partner, since my moving would cause an earthquake. Oh, how I loved that boy. (Sarcasm.)
"Hi, Suzy." I said back. I barely got the words out of my mouth before Mr. Watts told us to choose who would be Partner A and who would be Partner B. Suzy told me I could be A.
"Okay, Partner B will ask the questions first. You have ten minutes… go!"
Suzy's first few questions were boring ("What's your favorite color?"), but then they began to get interesting. I was surprised at how much I was able to tell her about myself in those ten minutes. Since the ice had been broken already, it was easy to spend ten minutes asking Suzy questions. I felt I had gotten to know Suzy a little bit better and that she was someone that I could maybe consider a friend someday, even if she was pretty.
"Finish up your notes and give them to your partner's partner!" Mr. Watts demanded of the class when the final ten minutes were up.
My notes were done, so I handed them to a guy named Joe and then went back to my desk. Justin's partner had been a girl named Nikki, who wrote her notes in that bubbly girlish handwriting that cute girls named Nikki have.
At first I had been scared of the way this twist of Mr. Watts' could have turned out, but it actually had been a good thing. It was the first time in a school week that I actually had been able to get something about Justin written on paper. I couldn't wait to read it.
The bell rang, so I had to save it for home. Normally, I would pack up my things as quick as possible, wait for the room to empty, and then be on my way. And normally, Justin would pack up his things as quick as possible, and make a quick exit through the classroom doors. Today, though, I caught him before he flew out of the classroom.
"Give me your phone number," I told him. "I'm going to need some information from you before the weekend is over. So give me your number."
"Listen, I gotta go… my class is at the other end of the school. I'll get your number from JC and call you, okay?" With that, Justin darted out of the classroom.
I highly doubted that Justin was going to call me that weekend. It was obvious that I wasn't on the top of his priority list. I sighed, put on my backpack, and then made my way through the classroom doors to my next class.
***
-J looks for in a girl: pretty, smart, funny.
-Perfect date: dinner, walk by beach, back 2 his house (says 4 video games, I think 4 romancing…)
-Life Goal: 2 B a successful musician
-Misses most about old school: knowing a lot more people
-Most embarrassing moment: peed pants in 3rd grade
-Best Day Ever: the Michael Jackson concert when he was younger
-Spare time: write songs, play video games, sing
-Life Motto: Don't judge a book by its cover
As soon as I got home, I whipped Nikki's notes from out of my backpack and read them. When I got to the part about Justin's life motto being "don't judge a book by its cover," I nearly gagged. Justin said that was his life motto? His life motto should have been "I'm a hypocritical liar!" That would have been more fitting.
I finished up reading Nikki's notes, which weren't much longer, and I still didn't have a sense of who Justin was. Maybe he was as shallow as the paper said he was… maybe all he was, was some good-looking-music-loving-liar. Maybe I had been wrong for thinking there was more to him than that. I thought about all the deep questions I had written for him. Maybe it was good that they were thrown away.
I was pondering this when the phone rang. My parents were out that night, so I answered it. It was Maria.
"Hello, is this Alison?" Maria said in a raspy voice.
"Maria, is that you? What's wrong with your voice?"
"I think I caught something from Lance," Maria giggled.
I made a face. "If that means you two have been making out, then I don't want to hear about it."
"So, what are you up to?"
"I'm trying to figure out how I am going to get information out of Justin. I don't know how I am going to do a biography on him if I don't know anything about him. He's being such a pain about this whole thing."
"I think you are too hard on him," Maria said suddenly. "You should be nicer to him, maybe he will be nicer to you."
"Uh, yeah right. Anyway, I think of it as doing mankind a favor… I'm knocking him down a notch or two. He needs that. He needs humbling."
Maria didn't agree. "He's actually a very nice boy, Alison. I've been getting to know him at Lance's rehearsals, and he's different when he isn't around you."
"Listen, Maria, I really don't need you crossing over to the dark side, especially not now."
"I'm not crossing over to the dark side, I am just telling you the truth. You've been rude to him for such a long time now. Maybe you like him. Because girls sometimes are mean to guys they like."
I laughed. "I do not like him Maria. He's hot, yeah, but he is so arrogant. It's like I can physically feel the arrogance dripping from him. There's nothing to like about him except for his cute butt."
"He does have a cute butt. And a cute everything. He is built like a stallion."
"Uh, Maria? Don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Yes, yes, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate that handsome Justin Timberlake. You should hear him sing, he has the best voice. It just makes me want to melt."
Maria was starting to get a little weird. "Maria, don't tell me you have a crush on Justin... I thought you were in love with Lance!"
"Oh, I am… I just… I just am fond of Justin, too. I mean, I think he deserves better treatment than what you give him."
Just then, I heard someone in the background call for Justin.
"Are you at rehearsals with Lance again? Does he have a cell phone or something?"
"Yes, he does. That's what I am using to call you now. But I should go, their rehearsal is about to start. Bye bye." Click.
Maria thought Justin was built like a stallion? I had never heard her talk about him quite like that before. Little did I know that it was the first and last time Maria would ever call Justin a stallion.
***
Later that evening, the telephone rang again. And yet again, it was Maria.
"Hey, Ali… I'm so bored… what are you doing?"
"Hey, Maria, I was just reading. So, is the rehearsal over early or something? It's only like, 8:30."
"What rehearsal? Oh, Lance's? Oh, I didn't go tonight."
Wait a minute, what did she mean she didn't go?
"You just called me like, an hour ago from JC's house on Lance's cell phone. And what happened to your voice? I thought you 'caught something from Lance.'"
Maria got angry. "Okay, first of all, I don't have a cold, second, this is my first time calling you tonight, and third, I haven't been at JC's house since yesterday."
"Well, someone called me an hour ago that said they were you… oh, oh no…" I realized what had just went down. "Justin is a complete--"
"What? What is he?" Maria asked eagerly.
"Justin was the one who called earlier, pretending to be you! I can't believe this! I should have known that you would never call him a stallion…" I sat up on my bed. "I can't believe he got me to admit that he has a cute butt! Oh, his ego is going to be bigger than ever now!"
After explaining to Maria what had went on between Justin and myself, and after throwing my book at the wall out of frustration, I calmed myself down. I didn't know why Justin did it, but I was going to find out. I didn't have his phone number, but I did know where he lived. Tomorrow, I would go over there and give him a piece of my mind.
***
I was standing on Justin's porch at 10:30 the next morning. I rang the doorbell, and waited a few moments before it was answered by Lynn.
"Hi, Lynn," I said in a sunny voice. "Is Justin home?"
"Oh, honey, you just missed him," Lynn told me. "He has an early rehearsal with his group today. I'm sorry."
I couldn't believe that I had missed him. But, suddenly, I remembered Mr. Watts' twist. "Uh, Lynn, we're supposed to interview a close relative for that biography assignment that I have with Justin, and I was wondering if I could interview you--whenever you're available."
"Well, I'm not busy and since you're already here, we can do the interview now." Lynn said cheerily. She pulled the door open and invited me in.
We took a seat on one of her very comfortable couches in the family room, and I opened my backpack and pulled out a notebook. I had planned to interview Justin, so I had brought some supplies with me.
"Okay, so, I'm not as prepared as I would like to be and these questions are coming from the top of my head," I explained to Lynn, "so, please be patient with me. Okay, so, if you could describe Justin in one word, what would it be and why?"
Lynn answered immediately. "Sweet. Justin is the sweetest boy. He is constantly thinking about other people and he is one of the most selfless people I know. When I'm feeling a little blue, he'll be the one to have a fresh bouquet of flowers waiting for me on the table, or he'll write me a little note. He's always thinking about the happiness of others and trying to make their lives better."
I scribbled down some notes as she spoke, but what I was really thinking about was how the Justin I knew was the complete opposite.
"Okay, my next question is… um, what's Justin's best personality trait?"
Lynn thought for a second. "He has so many good ones… I guess I would say… besides his sweetness, his ability to make other people laugh. He's such a jokester and constantly has everyone around him in stitches. He will do anything for a laugh. At our family reunion one year, he dressed up as a hula girl and did a dance in front of everyone. We video taped it and it's hilarious to watch over and over."
As I took notes, I did agree that Justin was a jokester--he sure did like to make fun of me. But I'm sure Lynn didn't know about that.
I was tired of hearing about how great Justin was. I thought of Mr. Watts and how he said he wanted the whole story. "What's Justin's worst habit?"
Lynn chuckled. "Oh my… I don't know if he'd want me to tell you… but he is the world's loudest belcher. All he does is burp. At the dinner table, he burps out complete conversations. It's really gross, but we've all gotten used to it... my husband Paul, and my other son Jonathan. They're not here right now… they're at a birthday party today, but hopefully you will get a chance to meet them some other time."
I continued to ask Lynn questions and received surprising answers. The boy that Lynn described was nearly perfect. He wasn't the guy that I knew. It almost made me sick to think about what she didn't know about her son.
Trying to delve deeper, I asked, "What is something that everyone should--but doesn't--know about Justin?"
Lynn sat back and thought about it. "I guess they should know that he doesn't have it as good as it may seem on the surface. I know even throughout this interview that I have painted a picture of the most flawless human. Justin is everything that I said he was, but he does have his problems and he does have his weaknesses. Justin, though he wants the best for everyone else, doesn't really understand his own worth. There are times when he gets completely down on himself… I think he blames himself for the divorce of his father and myself, even though it was years ago. And Justin has a hard time with letting things go and forgiving himself. On the outside, he seems completely confident, but on the inside, he is still unsure and uncomfortable with himself. And sometimes, sometimes that makes Justin depressed. There are days when he doesn't want to get out of bed, and there are times when he talks to me and I can just tell that he hates himself. It's not always like this… it's only occasional, but people should know that what may seem perfect on the surface isn't necessarily so."
I wanted to believe Lynn and her words, but it was hard. Justin was the most confident and self-assured person that I had ever met. If anything, it seemed like he loved himself a little too much.
"So, what would you say was the hardest time in Justin's life?"
Lynn took a sip of water from the glass on the coffee table before answering. "I would say his most difficult time was when he was a kid, right before the Mickey Mouse Club. He was teased a lot in school, bullied. He was a small kid and so he couldn't always defend himself in fights. The other boys constantly called him a girl because he loved singing, but all that changed when he got onto the Mickey Mouse Club. Of course, we moved, so we no longer saw those boys anymore. But, it was a very tough time on Justin and I think it still bothers."
Well, Justin and I had one thing in common--we were both teased as kids. But you would think that Justin would be sensitive to other people who got teased, instead of teasing them, too.
"Is there anything else you would like to say about Justin?" I said, wrapping up the interview.
"Yes, I want to say that I think Justin is such a wonderful kid. I feel so blessed to have raised such a talented, smart, handsome gentleman. I admire Justin so much for his determination and his will to succeed."
I closed my notebook. "Thank you so much, Lynn, for giving me this interview. I've learned a lot today."
Lynn smiled. "Oh, it was my pleasure. I love talking about Justin. Say, Alison, would you like to watch some home videos of Justin? Maybe that will help you with your project?"
"Oh, of course, but we have to watch Justin doing the hula dance first."
"It's a deal," Lynn laughed. "I'll go get the tapes."
As Lynn went to go get the home videos, I thought about Justin. Did he have a split personality or something? Did ugly fat girls just trigger something in him that made him a completely different person?
Lynn returned with the tapes and for the next hour, we enjoyed watching Justin grow up on the screen. I saw clips from the Mickey Mouse Club and just general home films of Justin being goofy or singing.
We were in the middle of watching a skit about Justin going on a date at the movies when the front door opened.
"Hey, Mom! I'm home!" Justin called. "Rehearsal went great today. We're really starting to improve… but we still have to pick a name…"
Justin made his way into the family room and stopped in his tracks when he saw me. "What are you doing here?"
"Justin, honey," Lynn said in a stern voice. "That is no way to address our guest. Alison is here interviewing me for her project. Well, now we're watching home videos. Why don't you join us?" Lynn patted the couch.
"No thanks," Justin said, then stomped out of the room.
"I'm sorry for his behavior… I don't know why he's in such a bad mood…"
I tossed my hand. "It's no problem. Do you mind if I go speak to him?"
"Not at all. I'll be here, watching more videos if you need me."
I got up from the couch and walked to Justin's room, remembering my trip there from the last time I was at his house. His door was open, and I could see him laying belly down on his bed. He was humming a song.
"Ahem," I coughed, letting him know that I was there. I startled him and he jumped up.
"What are you doing in my room?"
"Why did you pretend to be Maria last night?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Do you always answer a question with a question?" I asked him.
"Are you stalking me or something?"
"Answer my question, Justin. Why did you pretend to be Maria last night on the phone?"
Justin hesitated before he said, "I thought it would be funny."
"You thought it would be funny to pretend to be my best friend. Why?" I crossed my arms.
"I just wanted to see what you really thought of me."
"I guess you really are insecure. Why do you care what I think?"
"I don't know," he shrugged. "Hey, what do you mean, 'I guess you really are insecure'? What's that supposed to mean?"
I rolled my eyes. "I just think that your arrogance is a mask. You pretend that you are confident, but inside you don't know who you are."
"What are you trying to be, a psychologist or something?"
"No, I'm just trying to figure out why you pretended to be my best friend on the phone and why you care what I think, because this whole time that I have been knowing you, you haven't seemed to care one iota about what I think."
"And I don't." Justin said, unconvincingly.
"You're lying… you do care! Why can't you just be real for once?" I said, exasperated. "This whole time I thought you were so confident and I thought you really didn't care what I thought about you, but now I can see right through you. You're not the person I thought you were… you're not the person that anyone thinks you are! Everyone thinks you're so great, but you're not. You're weak."
"Please leave, Alison." Justin said, burying his head in a pillow.
"No, I'm getting the answers to my questions. I'm staying right here and we're going to figure out who you are. Because this project is due soon and I want my A."
Justin sat up. "Why is everything always all about you? It's all about your grade, it's all about your feelings. You victimize yourself and you don't care about anyone else. You wonder why you don't have any friends? It's because you're selfish!"
"I'm selfish? I'm the one who's selfish? You're the one who gets everything he wants… everything."
"I don't get everything I want."
"Okay, just most of the time!" I exclaimed. "You have it so good, you don't even know. I wish I could be you, if just for one day. I mean, I don't want to be a guy or anything, but you know what I'm saying. If I could have what you have, I'd be so happy. You are so lucky. So lucky."
"You don't know me or anything about my life," Justin said, "because if you did, you wouldn't have said that."
"I know enough to know that your life is better than mine."
"Is that why you hate me, Alison?" Justin stood up. He walked closer to me. "You hate me because my life is better than yours?"
"Yes, I do!" I said in his face. "You get everything. It's not fair!" I could feel tears starting to well up in my eyes. I bit my lip.
"I hate to sound cliché, but life isn't fair. Not for anyone."
"I hate you." I said, looking into his eyes. I pushed him, and he stumbled back a few steps. I walked up to him and pushed him again, "I hate you!" I pushed him so that he fell onto his bed. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
Then I dropped onto his floor and broke into sobs. My body began to shake and I sobbed those gut wrenching sobs--the ugly ones that sound like you're drowning, even though you're not underwater.
I was overcome by emotion. I was overcome with hate. Because it was then that I realized that didn't hate Justin Timberlake because he was selfish or arrogant, or any other negative trait in the book. I realized I hated him because I couldn't have him.
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