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Confessions of the Soul by adidas76
Number of reviews: 9
Print: 
A lot of people blame Justin for the end of NSYNC. They think it was him going solo that ultimately ended the group. They couldn’t be further from the truth.
Justin’s decision to go solo came after the fact, after I had put the nail in the coffin that ended the group. Me, the one everyone said was probably the most driven, the most focused, split us apart.
I can remember the day it happened as though it was yesterday. I woke up in another hotel room, with another nameless face, after another night of partying. I don’t know why, but at that very moment I realized this wasn’t me, this was who people expected me to be, not who I wanted to be. I had lost a part of my self in my quest for success, the part that made me an individual, the part that made me who I thought I was. I was no longer Joshua Chasez. I was 1/5th of the phenomenon known to the world as NSYNC, my own individuality lost to myself and the world
Most of you will probably remember me best as JC from NSYNC, the other lead singer, the serious one, but none of you knew the real me, the me that craved to have my own identity back, to become the person I once was.
After I kicked the girl out I’d spent the night with I got in the shower and mentally prepared myself for what I was about to do. I was going to change my destiny, and the destiny of my 4 best friends.
I found all of the guys exactly where I knew they’d be. You can’t spend as many years together as we had and not know everything there was to know about each other, or can you?
I opened the door and went inside, quiet, waiting to see if I would even be acknowledged or if I had become as faceless to them as I had to myself.
I’d like to say I was disappointed with what happened but I wasn’t, I had already known the answer to the unasked question. I was actually in the room for 20 minutes before Lance asked me when I had gotten there. I couldn’t help myself, I laughed, even though it was more sad than funny.
It didn’t take me long after that to tell them we needed to talk; I had something important to tell them. They all stopped what they were doing and looked at me expectantly. What I was about to do should’ve been harder, but yet I found it so easy.
When I told them that I was leaving they were shocked and angry, wanting to know why I would throw away their dreams, how I could be so selfish. I tried to explain that I didn’t know where JC of NSYNC stopped and Joshua began, that I needed to find myself again, that I couldn’t be 1/5th of something anymore; I needed to be just plain Josh.
Chris didn’t talk to me for an entire week after that. Justin had been the first to come around, he being the closest to understanding how I felt. I agreed to finish out the tour we were currently doing, but made no promises of any future for the group.
Jive announced that we were taking a short hiatus, but not to worry we’d be back. I wanted to tell them then that we would never be back, but I couldn’t, at the time I didn’t know what my future held. I just knew I had to change my present in order to survive my future.
I dropped out of sight for awhile trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be, for the longest time I couldn’t. Over the years I had also come to think of myself as JC of NSYNC, 1/5th of something, not an individual person anymore. I can’t even tell you how frustrating that was for me.
I watched with pride as Justin’s solo career took off, but felt guilt when fans started blaming him for our break when our 7 month hiatus turned into more. I knew the truth, and Justin knew the truth, but shouldered the blame. I called him once and told him not to lie, to tell the truth about what happened. He refused, telling me that’s what friends do for each other. We haven’t really spoken since.
NSYNC hasn’t ever officially broken up, but everyone has gone on with their lives. We all know that we are over, but for some reason we can’t bring ourselves to admit it out loud. When I left the group two years ago, I wanted to find out who I was, who I was without those other 4 guys. I had needed to know if I was Joshua Chasez or if I would always be JC of NSYNC.
After much soul searching I finally figured out that no matter what I was doing I was always going to be Joshua Chasez, but when I performed I was JC. It had been hard for me to separate the two when they were so deeply intertwined, but I’ve finally found a way. I know now that when I’m on stage I’m JC, the performer, but when I’m with my family and friends, the people who love me, I’m just plain Josh.. I’m ok with that, I’m finally ok with who I am.
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