Tired. Sweaty.
Justin allowed me to rest for a good fifteen minutes before he was ready for his desert.
“And what’s on the menu for desert?” He asked, breathlessly, his body still partially covering mine as he gave me a few more sweet kisses.
I smirked up at him, my fingers still tangled up in what little curls he had left as they ran lazily through his hair. His sexual appetite never ceased to amaze me, but this time I’d thought ahead. “Go get the chocolate syrup and whipped cream outta the fridge…and you’ll see.”
“How come you didn’t warn me, girl?” Joyce cried on the other end of the phone the second I had picked up. Justin had dozed off and was currently in the process of aggravating me to death with his loud-ass snoring.
“Warn you about what?” I laughed.
“You could have told me that your boyfriend is Justin Timberlake!”
Giggling, I said, “Oh, him. You trippin’ cause of him?”
“I’m not trippin’.” Joyce retorted, trying to regain her composure. “I’m just saying that a sista deserves a warning for something like that.”
“Uh-huh, girl. You know I ain’t falling for that. I didn’t know the fool was going to bust in the place like that, otherwise maybe I would have told you beforehand.”
“So what’s he like?” Joy asked, dreamily.
“You a fan of his music, Joy? You got a crush on ‘im?” I teased her, smiling.
“Nah, nah, girl, it ain’t even like that. I’m just curious, is all. I’ve never met a celebrity before.”
“Well once you get to know him you’ll find that he ain’t much different from us, regular folks.”
“For real?” She asked, incredulously.
I thought to say that once you get past his egocentric tendencies, he was as down to earth as dirt, but instead wound up saying, “Yep, nothing to freak out over.”
Laughing, Joy said, “I wasn’t freaking out.”
“You wanna talk to him? He’s sleeping right now, but I’m sure he won’t mind being woken up to chat with one of his biggest fans.” And before she could protest, I’d already pulled the phone away from my ear. Shaking Justin gently, I said, “Justin, someone’s calling for you.”
“Who?” He asked groggily. His baby blues slightly blood shot from his recent lack of sleep, causing me to feel bad for second. Until I remembered how much fun it was going to be when Joyce was forced to talk to him.
“I dunno, just take the phone.” I said, pushing it into his hand. Watching as he sat up, I moved up closer so I could hear under the pretense that I just wanted to lay my head on his chest.
“Hello?” He said, scratching his face before his arm fell over a smiling me. “Oh, hey Joyce.” He said, looking down at me in confusion. “Yeah, yeah, I remember now. From yesterday, the roommate thing. …Uh-huh. So what’s up?” He laughed a little too long and hard for my liking then, his eyes glancing down at me as he did so “ only furthering my suspicion. “Yeah, she’s a trip.” He laughed again, while his hand ran absent-mindedly up and down my arm. “Oh, we go way back like reclining chairs. I always knew I’d get her, she couldn’t resist me.”
Frowning, I sat up then. “What are y’all talking about?”
This was supposed to be embarrassing to Joyce, but I was realizing that if Justin kept running off at the mouth the way he was prone to do at times “ this could quickly turn embarrassing for me.
“Yeah, everybody likes him. Cute muthafucka.” Justin laughed.
“Huh? What are you are talking about?” I asked again, reaching for the phone this time. Only to grab air as Justin pulled it away from me, moving slightly away from me in the process.
Oh, so it’s like that? I thought frowning. What the hell were they talking about that had him so animated? He could barely keep his eyes open a second ago.
“So how long you been a fan for?” He laughed again, and I could faintly hear what sounded like protests coming from her end. She was trying to play ‘cool’ for Justin. “Uh-huh, I bet you was one of them fans that go all out with the face paint and e’erythang.” He chuckled again, nodding his head as I guessed that she was jokingly confirming his words. “Mmmhmmm. I knew it.”
What I knew was that they’d been on the damn phone too long. The last thing I need is another pretty girl getting all giggly around Justin. And Joyce with her short, bouncy light brown curls, big green eyes that sparkled when she laughed, a smile that would make any dentist proud, and long shapely legs…
What the hell was I thinking about when I handed the phone over to him?
“Yeah, I’ll talk to you later…when you’re moving in.” He frowned slightly then at her reply. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot that…dude was the one moving in.” He sighed. “You sure you don’t need a place to stay instead? ...Alright, I had to ask just in case. …Okay, here she is.” He finished handing the phone to me.
“I can’t believe you just did that to me!” Joyce squealed the second she’d heard me at the other end.
I can’t believe I just did that to me. “Yeah, I thought it was gonna be funny.” I said, trying to not sound as uptight as I was about how chummy the two of them had sounded over the phone.
But when I heard Joyce laughing at the other end of the phone, I guessed I hadn’t done a very good job. “You jealous?” She said, still laughing.
“Of what?”
“That’s what I wanna know.” She said, sobering slightly. “Girl, don’t even trip over that. He was laughing mostly at my stupidness. I could barely get out two words without stuttering.” She laughed. “And we spent some of the time talking about y’all two together. I could tell by the way he was talking that he’s got them Hercules feelings for you.”
“Hercules feelings?” I said, lightening up enough from her words to laugh a little.
“Yeah, those strong, I’ma love you for life kinda feelings.” She giggled. “You’re a very lucky, girl.”
“I know.” I smirked, watching him as he tried to fall back to sleep, his arms still lingering around my waist. “So who was the ‘cute muthafucka’ y’all were talking about?”
“Oh,” She laughed, blushing at that. “JC. He’s the one I really got a crush on. Girl, that man does it for me! If I could meet him…” She trailed off, with a sigh.
I just laughed, relieved to be able to cross one pretty face off the hit list of Justin admirers.
“Don’t fall asleep on me, baby.” He said, nudging me slightly in the side.
After a few hours of lounging around in the bed, we weren’t ready to get up and do anything productive, but we at least had moved into the family room. Justin was laid out on his back with me on my stomach “ my head resting on his chest, watching TV together.
Groaning, I said struggling to withhold a telltale yawn, “I’m not. I’m wide awake.”
“Yeah, that’s what you’re saying now. Then the next thing I know you’re drooling on me.” He laughed, as I pulled away to look at him in the eye.
“I do not drool, fool!” I protested, hitting him in his chest unsuccessfully as he blocked every blow.
Still laughing, he nodded in agreement to his original statement. “Yeah you do, when you’re really tired.”
“Yeah, well,” I started, knowing he was right but still trying to prove to him wrong somehow. “If I am tired now, it’s your damn fault anyways for wearing me out.” I said; my head now back to its resting spot on his chest, tucked just under his chin.
“Mmmm,” was his murmured reply, sounding tired himself just thinking about our little morning workout.
Several moments passed in silence save the TV muttering softly in the background to whoever was still listening. I sighed contently, feeling both of his arms settling around me, his left hand slid partially until the t-shirt of his that I’d thrown on and rubbed slow, gentle circles into my back.
“Baby?”
“Mmm?” I said, not even able to keep my eyes open long enough to say that.
“I wish it could be like this forever.”
“Like what?”
“Just you and me and nobody else.”
“That’s what you want? Sounds boring to me.”
Undoubtedly frowning at my lack of cosigning along with his idea, he pinched my side in disapproval. “It’s not boring, it’s romantic.”
“Blah,” was my thoughtful response to that.
Laughing, he nodded, “Yeah, you’re right. ‘Sides how could I even begin to argue with such a well articulated point as that?”
“You can’t.” I laughed.
Silence skipped around the room for a while then, only to have its playtime interrupted when Justin spoke up again. “What do you think it’s gonna be like?”
“What, what’s gonna be like?”
“Us,” He sighed. “when my record comes out.”
Shrugging, I gave the only answer I could honestly think of at the moment. “I dunno.”
“I don’t want us to change.” He said, his voice nearing a crest of whine wave.
“Mmm.” I murmured, getting sleepy again.
“I like the way we are now. I don’t want to lose this…in PR images, TV appearances and touring.”
“Mmmhmm.”
“I just want everything to stay the way it is now.” He said, pausing for a moment before adding, “Y’know, with me trying to have a serious talk about our future and you falling asleep and drooling on me.”
Laughing, I sat up long enough to hit him in his rippling abdomen. “I already told you, I don’t drool!”
He grinned at me. “But you do fall asleep on me while I’m talking.”
“I wasn’t asleep.” I said, adding a ‘yet’ to that in my mind.
“But you were on your way.” He persisted.
“On my way and actually being there are two very different things. I heard everything you said. You want us to stay the same. So we will.”
He laughed. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?” I whined, playfully.
“Because we don’t have that kind of luck.” Justin answered, seriously, giving me a small kiss on the top of my head. “But through whatever’s gonna happen, I want you to always know that I love you.”
I pulled away from him then not stopping until I was standing beside the couch he was lounging on, arms crossed at the chest. “Them thar’s sounds like breaking up words to me, boy.” I said, frowning down at him.
“Who said anything about breaking up?” He said, frowning himself now as he sat up too.
“You! With your ‘through whatever’s gonna happen, I want you to always know that I love you’ talk.”
“That doesn’t mean we’re gonna split up.”
“Then what does it mean?” I said, tilting my head slightly to the side as if that would help me to understand this a little better.
Taking a deep breath, he sighed. “It means that this next year is gonna be hectic and I want you to know that I love you even if I’m not there to personally say it to you.”
“Oh,” I said, only partially satisfied with the answer.
“See, nothing to get all pouty in the face over. Now come here.”
“No.” I grumbled, not ready to just give in yet, my mind still going over the other translations to his statement.
“I said, come here, woman.”
I rolled my eyes at him, knowing from his playful tone that he was just joking “ which is the only thing that was currently saving him from me popping him upside his big head. “It’s gonna take a lot more than some wifebeater wearing boy band member to get me to answer to that.”
“Okay,” he said, softening his voice to try to entice me this time. “C’mere baby.” When I didn’t budge, he added, “Please, my cherie amour.”
“Go on.” I smiled, loving when he sang to me.
“Lovely as a summer day. My cherie amour, distant as the milky way. My cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore.” He winked at me and my stupid cheeks actually had the nerve to blush. “You’re the only girl my heart beats for.” He sang sweetly, his hands making the back and forth movement over his chest under his wifebeater, imitating heartbeats. His eyes were still locked on mine like they’d been throughout the whole time he’d been singing. “How I wish that you were mine.” He finished, reaching out to me.
Still grinning way too wide, I found myself taking his hand and being pulled gingerly down into his lap. Once there, his arms pulled me into him further before he kissed me softly behind the ear, lingering there for a moment to pick up the last of the fading perfume I’d dabbed there the night before.
“You had me at ‘I said, come here, woman.’” I commented, hearing his soft sigh of contentment.
Chuckling quietly at that, he said, “Works every time.”
“Whateva.” I said, rolling my eyes as I pushed him away from me with a small smile on my face. Hearing him laughing again, I started to make my way into the kitchen.
“Hey, since you’re up, make me a sandwich okay?” He said, giving my ass a quick smack as I walked past him.
“Ain’t nothing wrong with your legs.” I retorted, watching him hurriedly flip channels with the remote as if he’d just remembered one of his shows were on.
“But the game’s on, baby. You know I always eat my sandwich while I watch the game.” He whined, his eyes darting between me and the game now on the screen.
“You also usually have a beer too. I suppose you want me to get that too.”
He grinned at me, flashing that beautiful Colgate smile of his. “Could you?”
“Sing one song for me and now the boy’s got me serving him.” I muttered to myself as I slowly shuffled into the kitchen.
“Thanks, baby! I love you.” He said, taking time out from his precious game to blow me a few kisses before his eyes immediately got sucked right back in.
“Yeah, yeah.” I replied, starting to fix his sandwich.
Justin was very particular about how his sandwich was made. It had to be crustess, cut in half - but not straight down the middle. On wheat bread cause he’s getting to be a health nut now - or rather he's getting to be more so. A little bit of mayonnaise, a lot of mustard, then turkey, cheese, lettuce, and ham in that order with a drawn in mustard smiley face at the top of that, because he will check and start pouting if it’s not there.
As you can see, Lynn spoiled the little bugger and now I have to suffer. Oh, I almost forgot the dill pickle on the side. Don’t put it inside the sandwich yourself cause for some reason unbeknownst to me he won’t eat it if you do. But leave it on the side and chances are it’ll find its way to his stomach. Yes, he’s a weirdo, I already know.
Now all I gotta do is get his beer, bring him his sandwich, leave him alone with his game to watch and then I’ve been the perfect girlfriend for the day don’t ya think?
Sex, food, beer and sports.
What more does a guy need?
The phone was doing that annoying thing it does: ring…loudly. Groaning, I rubbed at my eyes trying to remember how I’d gotten in bed in the first place since according to my blurred vision it was only 9 o’ clock at night now. Upon the second shrill ringing of the phone I vaguely remembered, Justin carrying me into the bedroom despite my half-asleep protests that I wasn’t tired in the slightest.
I rolled over on the third ring, expecting to run into Justin. But there was no Justin, just air and sheets to keep me company. Then why could I still smell him? Like he was close by. I sniffed the comforter, then the sheets underneath, finding that Justin’s scent wasn’t particularly jumping off of any of them. It was only when the phone rang for the four or fifth time “ not sure which, I was losing count “ that I noticed that I was still draped in Justin’s shirt.
Bringing the shirt fully to my nose so I could smell him better, I felt a strange tugging right around my stomach area. Dang, I couldn’t miss him already? Or was that just a cramp? I wasn’t even sure if he was gone. I called out to him just to make sure that I was indeed alone. Two more phone rings later with nothing but silence as my answer, I think it was safe to assume that I was alone.
Stupid boy could have said goodbye or something; I thought, resisting the pout that I felt coming on.
Ring-ring went the phone for who knows what number of times, and I decided the person on the other end either was just desperate to talk to me or it was one of those pesky bill collectors or telemarketers. On the hope that it was the former, I began to hunt for the phone, finding it in a clever little spot: under the bed in a shoe that didn’t have a match.
Hitting the talk button, I slowly sauntered out of my bedroom into the family-less room. “Hello?”
“What, you think you too good to talk to a sista now?!?” Nikki said, getting all huffy with me on the other end of the phone, but I knew that attitude wouldn’t last for long.
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Girl, you crazy!”
“Not as crazy as I’m hearing that you are.”
“What?” I asked, confused as to what exactly she’d been hearing about me. “People running they mouths about me, Nik?”
“Not people, just your Mama.”
“Oh.” I sighed not sure if that was better or worse - knowing how much my Mama loved to be all up in my business and then turn around and freely let everyone else she talked with into it too. According to her I wasn’t grown, therefore making me not eligible to have business for her to into.
I’m twenty-two years old, living on my own off of a full-ride scholarship I’m constantly having to work my ass for to maintain. And yet I still wasn’t grown in her eyes, or at least I wasn’t when it came to me doing the things I wanted to do. But the second there came some nagging adult responsibility my way and being considered a kid would be welcome, oh you can bet she saw me as nothing but an adult then.
“What she saying about me?”
“Besides the fact that she thinks you’re acting like you’re too grown to call your mother every now and then to let her know how you are or to ask how she’s doing.” She said, pausing for my groan.
Okay, so I didn’t call her as regularly as I should, but I made sure that at least every three weeks that I made that call. It’s just sometimes when she gets into lecture mode about what I should be doing, but I’m not doing. Or what I am doing but not enough of, or correctly…that kind of stuff doesn’t exactly have me skipping to the phone to call her up.
“Other than that,” Nicole laughed. “She said that she heard from Lynn that you’re about to get a new roommate…with a…penis.”
“No, not a penis!” I cried, in mock horror.
Laughing, she said, “Yeah, and she wasn’t sure which was worse you living with Justin or living with a strange man, but I think after the hour long conversation we had that she was leaning towards almost being okay with you moving in with Justin. Cause then that’s at least a penis she knows.”
“How well exactly does she know his penis?” I asked, before immediately getting disgusted over having talked about Justin’s penis, my Mama and the closeness of those two’s relationship in the same breath. “Don’t bother trying to answer that. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know.”
“Yeah, I’m glad I don’t know, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t want to know either.” She laughed. “Cause then the next thing I’d know I’d be having visions in my head of the two of them tog---“
I groaned as that imagery nearly succeeded in creeping into my head. “Can we please talk about something else besides my mother and boyfriend having an affair?”
“Okay, let’s talk about how you should move in with that lovely man-toy of yours.”
Laughing, I rolled my eyes. “Man-toy? You’s a trip, girl, I swear. But there’s nothing to talk about there.”
“Sure there is,” Nikki insisted. “Why don’t you want to move in with him?”
“Because.” I frowned, tired of having to explain myself.
“Because what?”
“Because, because.”
There was pause then long enough to get my hoping that she was going to change the subject. But of course I have no such luck.
“Because you think that if y’all live together you’ll lose some of your independence?”
“Yeah.”
“Because you think that if you can’t be independent then the only thing left to be is dependent?”
“Yeah.”
“Because you think that if y’all ever get into it too bad, you’ll be out flat on your ass?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Because you think that you’ll get bored of him or vice versa he’ll get bored of you from seeing each other too much?”
“Nah, not really.”
“Oh okay.” She laughed then. “That musta just been me thinking that then.”
“But I am worried that if we live together we might get too comfortable with each other always being around and start taking each other for granted.”
“Yeah, I get all that. I can see where you’re coming from because I had all of the same worries as you do when I started considering moving in with Jason. Plus our relationship doesn’t even have the number of years that y’all's does under its belt so that worried me even more, making me think I was rushing into this.”
“So then what made you decide that you wanted to live with him?”
“Ultimately, I just figured that there would be a lot more gained than lost.” She sighed, that ‘I’m so in love with my man’ sigh. “I love waking up next to him in the morning and falling asleep next to him at night.”
“Yeah but even with things as is, I can have that too.”
“Not as often as you would if you lived together.”
“He’s not gonna be around as much as Jason is anyways, so I’d never get it as often as you would.”
“Yeah, which means you should jump at any chance you can get it.” Nikki laughed. “Really it just sounds like you’re scurred.” She teased.
"Scared?" I reiterated, questioningly. "Scared of what?"
"What else, girl?! You’re afraid of what damn near everybody in this commitment-phobia world is afraid of. Letting someone get close enough to hurt you. That L-O-V-E got you shook."
"Letting someone get close enough to hurt you and L-O-V-E," I mimicked her accentuation on ‘love’ nearly flawlessly. "aren’t hardly the same."
"Like hell they aren’t! They’re practically identical twins, when you allow yourself to love and be loved…fully.” She retorted. “By loving someone you automatically open yourself to a whole new world of hurt."
"Well, shit, Nik. Who wants to get hurt?"
"No one does, girl but you can’t fully love someone without the risk of getting hurt."
"I know that." I replied, quietly. I knew it all too well. “But what’s love got to do with it anyway? I’m not doubting whether I love the man or not, just whether I should be sharing space with him.”
“Love’s got everything to do with that. Every time you say ‘no’ about it or come up with another excuse it’s almost always based on some love soaked issue.” Nicole hesitated then before plunging ahead. “And I know you still got some leftover back burner issues from your unresolved problems with your father." Nikki rushed forward, hearing the beginning rumblings of a protest coming from me. "I know you don’t like to talk about him. But you gotta know that every man isn’t going to do you like your dad did. There are some men who can handle the long haul."
"Yeah, like your dad." I said, my voice holding more bitterness than I expected. Nicole’s parents had been happily married for over twenty years. That kind of stability was something I always had longed for.
"My dad, my sister’s husband…Justin." Nikki said; she just had to let Justin’s name slip in there somewhere. "You just gotta be able to spot a good man when you see one. I know y’all have had some problems in the past, but what good couple doesn’t? Everything isn’t going to be perfect all of the time. Hell, you’ll be lucky if things turn out perfect some of the time. Perfect is for fairytales, it ain’t made for reality. And that’s for real, and that’s something that you’re going to have to learn."
I wanted to say something in my defense, wanted to say that I wasn’t near as naïve as the picture Nicole was painting me as. But I didn’t say a word, knowing when to talk and when to just shut the hell up and listen. And this was definitely a time to do like Musiq Soulchild had wanted his fans to do on his second studio album and juslisen (just listen).
"Besides it’s not like it would hurt to at least try the live-in situation with him. Tell him it’s a probational month and see how it goes. So then if things don’t work out, you can go back to fully being ‘Miss Independent’ without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings. You even said how much your neighbors were working your nerves, so you could use a little change of scenery for the month. What’s the worst that could happen anyway?"
She was right. I had been having problems with my new neighbor since Mrs. Walton moved out. I liked Mrs. Walton “ she was a nice little old lady, the type that bakes cookies and always has a smile and a compliment for you when she sees you. But now she was gone, moved out into a nursing home, not by choice but simply because her children felt it was time for her to go into one. Maybe they figured since she’d already had one foot in the grave ever since their father had passed “ which was over a year ago “ maybe this would be her final push into it, too “ knowing how much she hated the idea of having to live in what she called ‘them old folks dying homes.’
I still remembered the day that she’d invited me in to chat with her “ I’d only been living there for a few weeks “ and somehow we’d gotten on the topic of her kids. She had three children: one boy, two girls. And according to her, they were always in her pockets, always wanted something. And apparently, since her own fairly wealthy father had passed on she’d been sitting on a nice sized inheritance and her children couldn’t wait for the opportunity to get their greedy little hands on it.
“They’re all about the Benjamins.” She’d told me that day and I couldn’t help but laugh, shaking my head as I said, “You watch too much MTV, Mrs. Walton.”
But she’d insisted that it was true, and now I was getting to witness their money grubbing ways at work. Anybody could look at Mrs. Walton and see that she still had many good years still in her, but her children had been scheming for awhile now and had finally found a crooked doctor who was willing to write her off as ‘unstable’ and therefore a danger to herself. And after signing a few papers, her three children had signed over her freedom into the hands of Happy Home nursing home for the elderly and disabled.
And the person who had moved in to replace Mrs. Walton was some wild, party girl named Erika. Erika blasted loud music at odd hours of the night and when she wasn’t doing that she was screaming to the high heavens in ecstasy from whatever freaky deaky thangs she’d been doing with her partner of choice for the night.
For the night, literally; I rarely caught Erika bringing in a man during the daylight hours. And what was even rarer was to catch her double-dipping with the same guy. I guess that since there was at least a billion men out there, Erika was probably trying to just get herself a sample of each one. I just hoped for Erika’s sake that she practiced safe-sex every time. With STDs getting passed around like candy to children on Halloween, not practicing safe-sex every time would be detrimental to your health.
And besides Erika, there was Nadine on the third floor, who’d I learned to avoid over the years because she was always asking too many questions. Too many personal questions. Too many Justin questions. And she was always trying to pop up whenever Justin would come to visit me. It got to the point that I didn’t even like to bring Justin around the apartment. I just couldn’t take the ‘lick me, fuck me’ eyes that Nadine was constantly sending my man’s way.
Justin also found Nadine’s presence annoying and would use her as well as Erika against me sometimes, saying that "Getting away from them was all the more reason that you should want to move in with me." But I hadn’t budged on the issue, still using my need for independence as the main motive in my not wanting to move in with him.
I sighed deeply, thinking over Nikki’s simple question. That’s the exact question that worried me the most about moving in with Justin. What was the worst that could happen if I did decide to do this?
I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to find out the answer to that.
