“What are you doing here?” the she-devil greeted me as soon as I’d unlocked the door and strode in.
Looking around the apartment and glancing at my keys dangling from my fingers, I said, “I live here. What are you doing here?”
“Fucking Nate senseless.” Tamela said with that annoyingly crooked grin of hers.
“I see.” I said, trying to not to notice the random strewn condoms and thrown about clothing. Nate walked in as soon as I was trying to not notice the fact that the carpet had acquired some new strange stains and the whole place smelled of stank ass Tamela and burnt food. “We need to talk.” I said, brushing past his nearly nude form with only a small man-thong keeping him from being completely exposed, which I was also trying not to notice.
“Alright, sure.” He said almost gratefully.
Once we were both inside my room, I closed the door and flipped on the light switch. “First of all, y’all nasty ass freaks didn’t come into my room and do…anything right?” I glared at him, as I angled the lamps to form a spotlight on his face.
“No, no.” He shook his head as he squinted into the light. “No way. Tam wanted to, but I didn’t let her.”
“I bet that nasty bitch did.” I grumbled, sucking my teeth at the thought of what would have happened if Tam had gotten her way as I shifted the lights out of his face. “And second of all, Nate…” I gestured to his attire, or rather lack there of with a half smirk, half frown. “What the hell, man?” I laughed.
“It’s Tam.” He groaned, shifting uncomfortably as he tried to adjust himself in the spandex which was clinging to him like a second skin. “You know I would never dress like this on purpose. She’s lost her mind, K!” He whispered, glancing at the door as if he were afraid the she-devil would hear him. “You gotta help me.”
Laughing, I said, “I could have told you that a long time ago. Hell, your momma tried to tell you, Joyce tried to tell you that Tam was outside her mind. But did you listen? Nooooo. It’s just her meds, you’d say. It’s just her lack of meds, you’d say. She loves me, you’d say. I loves Harpo, you’d say.”
Rolling his eyes at my last comment, he said, “I know, Celie, I know, I know.” He nodded. “But you gotta help me. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Well what exactly has she been doing?” I said, settling down onto my bed, watching as he began to pace the length of the room.
“Making me have sex with her everyday”seven, eight times a day.” He hissed, again keeping his voice low and a cautious eye on the door.
“Is that all?” I laughed.
“Freaky sex, K. I mean, freaky.” He said, biting his bottom lip as if to hold back tears. “She whipped me a few times.”
“Aww, Nate, are you serious? Y’all just been having a lot of sex and that’s the problem? Isn’t that the solution to most problems for guys?”
“Yes, but this isn’t just any ol’ kind of sex, it’s freaky.” He repeated, in hushed tones, sounding a little bit like a scared slave trying to make his way north. “There’s whips and chains…an-an-and animals sometimes.”
“You brought animals into the apartment?” I screeched.
“No, no.” He waved his arms about as he tried to hush me, his eye once more drifting to the door. “We went out for that. But K, you just gotta help me.” He said, his eyes pleading with me. “I could probably handle it if it was just freaky sex every now and then.” He was pacing again now. “But everyday! Seven, eight times a day? A man gets tired. A man wants to go to sleep. But she…” He trailed off, staring and pointing at the door. “She never sleeps.” He whispered.
“You sound like some crazy guy in a horror movie right now.” I said, trying my best not to laugh in case he was really serious about all this.
“Maybe I am, K. Maybe I am.” He said, his eyes getting a faraway look about them now. "Sh-sh-she used a..."
"What?"
"She used a-a-a…" He trailed off again, shaking his head.
"She used what, Nate?"
"A banana on me once. But since it was too soft, so-so she went out to the store and brought back a cucumber." He sniffled, rubbing his butt as if just the thought of what happened hurt him all over again. "I couldn't sit for nearly half a week because of that."
Mouth agape, I just stared at him, blinking in silence for several seconds as my mind tried to digest everything he’d just said. "So where did this all come from? Why all of a sudden does she do these things with you?"
"She says it will bring us closer. That we need to do this, because she feels that lately we've started to drift apart and this will help to reconnect us."
"Can't y'all just hang out”do simple, non-sexual things together to 'reconnect'?"
"That's what I said, but..."
The door suddenly opened with enough energy to cause a small wind to build up in its wake and on the other side stood Tam, in all her glory. She smirked as she strolled in, obviously not the least bit shy or embarrassed. "Nate..." the she-devil cooed sweetly, her crooked grin in place.
"Y-yes?"
"I'm horny." she said in a sing-song voice as she sidled up next him. "And I wanna play cowboys and Indians." She whispered, rubbing her body against his.
As she was pulling him out of the door, Nate mouthed 'help me!' to me. "Um, Tamela." I said, finally speaking up.
"Yeah?" She said, stopping her movements and fixing an annoyed ‘oh you’re still here’ glare on me.
"Uh," I said, stalling for time as I tried to figure out what exactly to say to her. "You know there's a big sale going on downtown right?"
Lame. I know, but it was all I could think of.
"Yeah." she said, sounding bored.
"Yeah, well, don't you want to go?"
"Do I have any money?" She asked and I knew this was a set up.
"Well, um," I stammered, not wanting to have to give her money, but not wanting to leave Nate with the psycho for any longer than he'd already been. "I, uh, damn, I guess I could give you some money."
"Really? You would do that for me?" She said, grinning that crooked grin of hers that made me want to slap it off.
"Yeah," I sighed, reaching into my purse and pulling out some money. "Here."
She stood still for a long moment, slowly counting out the money. "Only fifty? What am I going to buy with fifty dollars?"
I dunno, bitch. It's a sale. I thought, but said, "I’m a college student.” When she continued to stare at me as if I hadn’t said a word, I added, “As in, I’m broke.” Still her eyes stared unblinkingly at me, before I sighed. “Here." I said, begrudgingly handing her another twenty. "Have fun." I said, through gritted teeth to make sure she understood she wasn't about to get another penny out of me.
"Thanks!" She grinned; turning around so that she was facing Nate she gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and said, "Sorry, papi, guess we'll have to play cowboys and Indians another time."
Nate just nodded, watching her in silence as she bounced down the hall to dress and spend my money.
"Thanks." He breathed out in relief the second we heard the door close securely behind her.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." I grumbled, brushing past him and down the hall. "You owe me seventy dollars."
Grinning, he nodded. “I know and I definitely will pay you back.”
"Alright, well, I guess I'm gonna go too. All this Tam bullshit has made me forget the whole reason I came here. But do me a favor, will ya?"
"Sure." He said, easily.
"Lock this door and make sure she doesn't get back in."
He nodded with a smile. "Will do."
"She doesn't have a key, does she?"
"No, remember awhile back when I asked you if I could give her a key? And your response was 'you give her a key, you die.'"
Laughing, I nodded. "Good." Almost out the door now, I turned back to face him again. "Oh and one more thing."
"What it is?"
"Take that ridiculous thong off." I laughed.
"Gladly." He said, not hesitating to pull it off right then and there.
"Nate, you're a real piece of work."
"That means you think I'm sexy right?" He grinned, leaning against the doorframe with a sly smirk gracing his handsome face.
"Oh yeah," I sighed, pretending to swoon over him. "Or it means, that the blinds are up on all the windows and Old Mister Garrison from the second floor in the building next door is definitely appreciating the view you've provided." I laughed, watching him curse softly to himself as he scrambled to pull down the blinds all while clumsily trying to keep himself covered. "Oh, yeah, ‘Nati P, you're definitely a real piece of work." I laughed at his instant frown over his nickname. “Oh and before I forget, call Joyce.”
“Why? What’s wrong with her?”
“Does there need to be something wrong with her for you to call her?”
“Well, no, I just…”
“Well, no, you just…whatever.” I said, mimicking him with a roll of my eyes. “Let the crazy go. Take her back to the insane asylum you found her in. You need some Joy in your life.”
“You mean happiness?”
“No, I meant, what I said. You need some Joy in your life.”
On the drive back from my apartment to Justin’s place I realized a few things. One, Tam is crazier than I thought. I mean, what was she thinking? Overdoing the sex with Nate to compensate for the fact that she was cheating on him, what kind of logic is that? Or maybe she’s just so much of a hoe-bag that if she wasn’t getting it from Nate she’d just have to get it from someone else.
For Nate’s sake I hope she starts to permanently look elsewhere.
Stopped at a red light a stroke of genius hit me. I pulled my cell out of my purse and scrolled down to Joyce’s number. “Hello, Joyce.” I laughed at her loud and exuberant recognition of my voice. “Yeah, girl, I know…long time, no chat. But I got to ask you to do me a big favor.”
“Sure, what do you need me to do?”
“Babysit Nate for the weekend.”
“What?” She laughed.
“Please.” I begged.
“Why?”
“He needs some Joy in his life.”
“You mean the happy, happy, joy, joy kind of joy?”
“No, I meant what I said. He needs some Joy in his life.”
“Girl…” She breathed out with a deep sigh. “You know I don’t like him like that and there’s always the crazed one to worry about.”
“Don’t worry about her, I’ll…I dunno, I’ll find a way to distract her for the weekend.” I said; making the turn that would lead me to the street where Justin’s house sat. “You don’t have to admit that you like him or anything. Even though I already know you do. The boy is foine, if I wasn’t already attached I woulda blown his mind a time or two already myself, girl.” I laughed, only half serious. “I’m not saying you have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Just hang out with him for the weekend. It’s just one weekend, girl. What do you have to lose?”
“My virginity.” She said.
“Your what?” I gasped. A pretty girl like Joyce…a virgin? Not to say that I thought she was a slut or that pretty girls automatically are ex-virgins, but…
damn.
“I’m not a virgin, virgin. I have had sex, it’s just been a long time. I’ve been trying to get closer to God lately and I figured that by abstaining I could do it a lot quicker.”
“Well, I’m not the religious type, so I can’t really say whether or not a sexless life will get you on the fast lane track to God, but…” I trailed off, forgetting for a moment what my point was, when I noticed an unfamiliar grey and rusted old Buick parked in Justin’s driveway. “Just think about it, okay? I gotta go, bye.” I rushed out, clipping the conversation short as I watched a tall, long-legged brunette with dangerous curves exiting the house.
I bet Cupid never had to deal with this shit. I thought as I noticed that the girl looked like a model, who just stepped out of the pages of Vogue magazine. Figures.
But at least she wasn’t a blonde.
See, I can be optimistic too and admire the silver lining of the ‘you dumb bitch, he’s screwing another slut on the side again”so not only did he impregnate you, but he might have given you a nice little life long virus called an STD’ cloud.
That’s when I realized the second thing I learned on that trip, which is the very thing I’d been trying to block out”as if forgetting it was as good as dissolving it. I needed a pregnancy test…and quick.
Maybe I needed a trip to the free health clinic too to get tested and find out if I needed to get a bat to beat the shit out of Justin if it turned out that he’d given me seafood, but not the regular crustacean on a plate variety.
Great, just great. Who would have ever thought that getting rid of an annoying, yet regular visitor would be a bad thing?
Fuck, what’s today? Shit muthafuck, I got a ten-page paper and an exam over chapters I haven’t finished (aka started) reading tomorrow! Damn it.
Maybe I should just get that bat and use it on myself to put me out of my misery.
