He slept with the light on.
Not all of the time, I'd say just about seven out of ten times he did. And he curled up into a ball and sucked his thumb sometimes too. You would think after years of sleepovers, adults ones and otherwise, that I would have noticed these habits.
But love and sex, changes the way you see people�”changes what, how, and why you see things. I used to be his teddy, the thing he clung to when he was scared. I was his teddy. Was.
Past tense is a hard thing to get used to when your memory can so easily reach back and pull up the file of when it used to be present tense. I don't even know how I got demoted. It wasn't done officially or anything. It just happened one day.
Pregnant.
I’m not really pregnant. Actually I don’t even know if I am…I just think I am. I’m already nearly a month late on my period and though I’ve never had very regular periods, I’ve never been this late.
But it could be nothing right? Maybe just stress? I have had a lot of papers and assignments due in my classes lately that had my head pounding in worry. I know I wasn’t eating as regular as I used to, because I’d been so stressed out from work, that sometimes I would just forget the simple things in life like eating and sleeping. And it showed by the newly formed bags under my eyelids and the small amount of weight I’d lost. That could be it too. Maybe it was just the weight loss.
For the almost month time span in which my period had been away on vacation, I waivered between these three options. Hoping and praying that it was the last two, but too afraid to get the proper test to make sure that it wasn’t the former.
But today, was the day. That’s mantra I woke up with. Today was the day. I kept saying it over and over, through physics, through psychology, through lunch, through statistics. Today was the day.
But I didn’t want it to be! I didn’t want to go get the test, I didn’t want to see what the results were unless it was what I wanted. And what I wanted was to not be pregnant. I needed to not be pregnant.
***
Draped in a long grey overcoat, a headscarf wrapped around the lower half of my face, black leather gloves and dark sunglasses on, I'm sure I didn't look the least bit suspicious in the grocery store on that warm Florida day. But I wasn't taking any chances of having someone recognize me, I was a woman on a mission and I’ll be damned if I get sidetracked.
I shuffled with my head down to the back aisles, where I was hoping that I’d be able just get the damn test and shuffle my ass right on out without any prolonged stops, especially not any price checks. Last thing I need is my shit broadcasted throughout the whole damn store.
Well, being that my luck is as great as it is…the price check thing didn’t happen but something even better did.
“Keisha? Is that you?”
No, it isn’t. I thought, focusing hard of the pregnancy tests on the shelf in front of me as if the harder I stared at them the more likely my chances were that I’d blend into the shelf.
I knew I should have just grabbed one and left. But no, I had to start comparing prices and trying to remember which one I’d seen a commercial about it being the easiest to use without all that plus, minus nonsense.
“K! Girl, that is you.” The woman to my right, who I’d still yet to acknowledge, laughed as she put a hand to my shoulder.
Relunctantly turning to face her, I forced a smile on my covered face. “Hi…” I trailed off, my mind recognizing the face but blanking on the name.
“Mrs. Richards. I used to work with your mom a few years back.” She said, still grinning at me. “You don’t remember me?”
Hell naw, I don’t remember you. Am I supposed to remember all of my mom’s co-workers? Or any of them for that matter. “No, ma’am.”
“Oh, well…”
And I know she was still talking because her lips were still flapping but I wasn’t hearing a word of it. My mind was too focused on getting the hell out of there before anyone of my mother’s other old friends might happen to recognize me despite this clearly ‘brilliant’ disguise and feel the need to pass the word along about my purchases today to my dear ol’ mum.
And as much as I love the sound of shock and disappointment on my mother’s voice right before she goes into a two-hour monologue involving comparisons to my can’t-do-wrong younger sister, I’m sure I could find something better to do with my time.
“Well, tell your mama I said hi and tell her my number ain’t changed and she can call a sista sometime.”
I nodded, smiling, glad that this conversation was over. “Okay, I will.” I said, grabbing a few tests that were the closest and quickly putting one foot in front of the other.
I should have known it was going to be a bad day when I didn’t get hardly but five steps down the aisle when I ran into another person causing the tests to spill around my feet.
Cursing to myself, I bent to scramble together the tests so I continue to hightail it to the registers when I heard the person I’d just run into say, “Next time watch where you’re going.”
I straightened up at that, tests in hand, sucked my teeth deciding whether it was worth the time and energy to give this bitch a piece of mind, when I realized that I knew this bitch.
“Coral?”
Have you ever had one of those moments where you say something and then the moment after you wish like hell that you had never said it?
Yeah, well, this was that kind of moment for me. Because no sooner than I said her name, did the realization of who was talking to her dawn on her face, right before her eyes fell to the boxes of tests I was awkwardly cradling in my arms.
A few moments in silence passed before she laughed, “Damn, how pregnant are you?”
My face relaxed a little at that, letting me know just how tense I was. Sighing, I stared at the tests in my hand for a moment, racking my brain for a logical reason I’d have these.
I suppose logic and my brain weren’t getting along at that moment, because the next thing I said was, “Uh, these aren’t mine.”
“Yeah,” she laughed with a knowing nod. “And these aren’t mine.” She winked, picking up some for herself.
“You too?” I said, feeling a little bit better and relaxed a little bit more.
“Yeah, girl.” She sighed. “I’m knocked up.” She sang in the tune of Akon’s “Locked Up.”
***
"I’m not tryin’ to blow up like Shamu." Coral said, shaking her head at the thought as she reached for another bag of chips.
“Then stop eatin’ everything in sight.” I laughed, snatching the chips out of her hand and finishing off the bag myself.
After the last time I saw Coral and she’d been so cold to me, I figured I’d never see or speak to her again. But that was then, this is now.
Now we’re both sitting in family room of Nate’s and my apartment (which made this weekend that I’d set up for him to spend with Joyce turn out so very convenient for me) laughing and joking about ugly maternity clothes and stretch marks all thanks to a fragile (and very possibly temporary) bond over motherhood fears.
And it turns out that that last time I’d run into Coral, she’d been so evil because she’d just gotten into it with Jamal and it wasn’t long after that, that for some reason that even she isn’t quite sure of she took him back. They’d been off and on again for a while now and during one of their "on" times she thinks she might have messed around and gotten pregnant.
And after we’d shared about how we’d been doing up until this moment, we decided we’d rather not take the tests alone.
Just me with the silence and walls would have driven me crazy.
But neither one of us were ready to take the tests just yet, so w did the one thing college had taught us best: waste time we didn’t have to waste.
One day, I didn't come home at my normal time. One day, I didn't come home at all. He didn't call. I waited for that call. That "where are you, I'm worried" call. That "I recognize your existence so that's how I'm able to notice your absence and care that you're gone" call. That "come home" call. That "call me, dammit!" call. That "you better be dead, otherwise the next time I see you I will kill you for scaring me like this" call.
Those calls never came. Not a one.
I stared at the phone.
"Why do you think he hasn't called?" I asked Coral, my eyes still on the phone.
"Maybe he has, but since you've been staring the phone down for the last hour or so it's gotten so intimidated that it can't remember how to ring."
"Right." I rolled my eyes. "That's definitely gotta be it, alright."
“Well, in the mean time maybe we should…” She trailed off, gesturing over to where the shopping bags sat holding the hardest test I’d have to take.
“Y-yeah.” I nodded, slowly forcing my limbs into motion.
So we each took the tests (three each, to be sure) and now we wait.
It only takes a few minutes for the results to show, but time seemed to be moving in slow motion.
“So how is Nikki?” Coral asked, stopping her pacing long enough to get that out.
Shrugging, I said, “I don’t know. Shacked up with her man, which is good I guess. You would know better than me, since you seemed to be talking to her more than I was.”
“What’s with us and the guys with ‘J’ names?" Coral asked, avoiding the part about how she’d kept in contact with Nik (who she didn’t really even like that much) after she’d betrayed me, even though she had magically forgotten my number.
Bitter, who me? But I just laughed it off, not really feeling like taking it there with her at the moment.
"So what are you going to do if you are pregnant?" Coral asked, reminding me that we weren’t just randomly getting together to talk like we used to do.
“Dang, girl…ever the kill-joy aren’t you?” I laughed. Shrugging I took a deep breath and said, "I guess I’ll be getting a mother’s day present next year then."
Coral laughed, but it was a nervous laughter. "For real?"
"Yeah, for real." I replied, softly picking at my fingernails.
"I don’t know…"
"Don’t know what?"
"I don’t know if I’m ready to be a mother. But I don’t think I can…" Her voice trailed off, and her eyes got misty and I knew exactly what she was thinking about.
I closed my eyes for a minute, remembering the disinfectant uncleanly clean smell of the waiting room at the Family Unplanning room of the clinic I’d went to when Coral had gotten her abortion. In all those years I still hadn’t forgotten so I knew Coral couldn’t have.
Coral sighed and looked back at me. "If it comes back positive, you won’t be the only one celebrating mother’s day in a new way next year. Because the other options…" She fidgeted with her hands. "Well they aren’t even options. Not anymore. Not for me."
“Guess it’s about time that we go see what the results are.” I said, standing up from where I’d been sitting on the couch. “But you first.”
Rolling her eyes, she said, “Fine.”
I stood in the doorway and listened as she read off her results.
Negative.
Negative.
Negative.
After she finished crying, laughing and jumping up and down and thanking God like she was Halle Berry winning the Oscar, she turned to me, smiled and said, “Your turn.”
Switching places, I found myself standing by my little future telling sticks, hoping to God that I’d be able to accept my Oscar like Coral had just done. So I took several deep breathes, shook off the last of my jitters and forced myself to focus on the little future telling sticks.
Negative.
Negative.
The tension in my body eased as it felt like I’d just dodged a bullet.
When I did finally come back, around noon the next day, I found him curled up in the fetal position in bed. In my spot on the bed. All the lights in the room, shining brightly and wastefully. And I just stood there, watching him for a few moments. Watching how peaceful he looked, how uncaring that I wasn't there. How cute.
I wanted to get in bed and snuggle with him, spoon with him. Just be near him.
But I wasn't his teddy anymore and when he used to run to cling to him, he now clings to himself�”knees pushed tight up against his chest.
I'm sure if he heard any of these thoughts, he'd say I was just overanalyzing it. And maybe I am. Maybe I haven't been demoted. Maybe I don't know anything.
But then that means maybe I don't know him.
Which at this point is the worst maybe of all.
I sat on the very edge of the bed, barely on it enough to keep both booty cheeks securely on the bed. Sitting perfectly straight, I faced the mirror that sat directly in front of the bed over the dresser. I still looked the same as I had when I left in the afternoon of yesterday. All the old familiar features were still sitting in their assigned seats. But something felt different. And I knew it wasn't in my face at all, but I couldn't bring my eyes to look down just yet.
I had to work my way there slowly. First, the neck. I titled it to the left and right. Nothing new. Then the shoulders. I rolled them, nothing new again. Then the breasts. Yep, still "small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains" as Shakira would say. I hesitated then.
“Whew,” I laughed, walking out of the bathroom. “I’m glad that shit is over.”
“Wait that was only two…what about the other one? What did that say?"
I knew there was another there. I just didn’t want to see it. Wasn’t two good enough anyways?
But I reluctantly went back to check the last one, hesitating all the while.
“It’ll probably be negative too.” Coral said, trying to encourage me to just get on with it. “But it’s just better to be safe than sorry.”
"What if I say that I'm sorry now, then that automatically makes me safe right?"
Shaking her head, she said, "Check the damn test, stupid."
Taking another deep breath, I checked the last one.
My eyes facing forward, I let my fingers do the seeing this time. Gingerly sliding underneath my shirt, I tentatively placed my hand onto my stomach---one finger at a time until my palm was flat against it.
I swallowed the lump back in my throat, suddenly the bathroom was too small, there wasn’t nearly enough oxygen.
"Well?" Coral asked sounding like my silence was making her anxious.
With a small smile I said, "Well it looks like I’ve just gotten another holiday to get gifts from."
I swallowed back a tear. I was nowhere near ready for this.
