Thanksgiving was just around the corner and I wasn’t feeling particularly thankful.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. How many times are you going to ask me?” I frowned, switching the phone to another hand as I began to rummage through my refrigerator. “Because guess what even if you ask me fifty more times the answer’s going to be the same only I might spice it up with some other four letter words.”
There was a long pause on Coral’s end, as I listened to her breathing and I just rolled my eyes and continued to look for things to stuff my face with.
“So are you going to tell him? I mean, have you told him?”
“I just found out a few minutes ago my damn self and I thought by calling you…” I trailed off with a sigh, pushing my hair out of my face. Every little thing was ticking me off today. If it wasn’t my hair getting in my face constantly, it was the AC not working, or waking up late and missing an important class, or the doctor calling me to tell me that blood test came back positive. I was going to be a mother. Congratulations. “I’m just not ready.”
“But you…”
“I know.” I sighed. “I’m going to have to tell him eventually. I just”I never thought this would be a conversation I’d have to have with my boyfriend when I was still in college, y’know? This is a wife to husband, established life and career kind of conversation.” I said, giving up on the idea of cooking something and settling for some chocolate which I could just easily pop into my mouth. “This is the type of…” I paused for a minute before just letting out a stream of curses.
A moment or two passed in silence before Coral said, “Feel better?”’
“Minorly.”
“Okay, well can I say something?”
“I think you just did.” I said, before adding, “Go ‘head.”
“You’re pregnant.”
She said that as if it was something she’d brilliantly concluded all on her own. The thought to press my finger to end button on the phone crossed my mind. My bullshit tolerance was running on extra low today. “Gee, Dr. Phil that was real insightful. Now tell me something I don’t know?”
“But that doesn’t mean everything stops here, K.” She continued unfazed my attitude. “This doesn’t have to be the moment you look back on and say ‘and it was all downhill from there.’”
Plopping down on the couch with a bag of chocolate, I sighed. “You’re right, but...”
“But, nothing.” She said, cutting me off. “You’re practically done with school anyways.”
“There’s still graduate school.”
“And you can do all that and be a great mom.”
Just thinking about how much more I was going to have to struggle, I frowned and said, “This is all Justin’s damn fault. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I just fucking knew it. I wish I was a seahorse and could pass this shit right over to him and let him deal with it.”
“That ‘shit’ that you’re talking about is your growing little bundle of God-delivered joy. And this isn’t a burden it’s a blessing.”
“Well, I don’t recall you praising the Lord for your possible blessings when we were taking those tests.” I said, my annoyance with the conversation was growing by the second now. I really don’t even know why I called Coral. I should have known she’d get on her high horse and start preaching to me. This is what she always did. Always trying to play somebody’s mother, but never wanting to do it when the chance to become one for real is presented.
“Listen, I gotta go. I don’t want to be here when Justin gets back.” Hearing Coral’s predictable argument bubbling to surface, I sighed and said, “I know, I have to tell him. I just need to get my head together. And everything is just pissing me off right now. So I’m gonna just go out and clear my head. Maybe, I’ll talk to you later though.” I said, proceeding to click the end button before she could say another thing in attempt to ‘cheer’ me up or keep me on the phone.
Unfortunately, I only made it a few steps away before the phone was wailing again.
“Hello?” I snapped.
“What the hell is wrong with you? I know I raised you to answer the phone better than that.” My mother said, her voice already taking on that annoying lecture mode that made my itch to walk away grow.
Trying to force some happiness into my voice, I said, “I’m sorry, Ma. I was on my way out. Did you need anything?”
“Well, you know,” She started, her voice sounding like she was getting comfortable and had successfully ignored the part where I said I was about to leave. “Thanksgiving is coming up and we usually all just head over to your great Auntie’s place, but this time we decided to just have it over at our place. Less people are coming. So it’ll just be you, me, your sister and her new boyfriend, who sounds absolutely perfect…”
Cutting her off, I could stand to listen to how great my sister’s relationship was at the moment, I said, “That’s it? So Aunt Carol and them aren’t coming?”
“Oh, they’re coming too, but all their children can’t make it though. So it’s just us and them this year.”
“Wonderful.” I said, unable to hide my lack of enthusiasm. I could stand their kids, even though they had the tendency to be loud and all over the place. It’s my aunties on my mother side that I couldn’t stand”with all their staring you down, whispering among each other, before proceeding to grill you like a simple holiday dinner was supposed to turn into a damn interrogation and you were the prime suspect.
“Yeah, it should be fun.” My mother continued, in her own world so that she didn’t even get that I wasn’t on the same page with her. “Oh and bring Justin with you this year. Your aunties have been talking about wanting to meet him lately.”
Great, just fucking great. So now, not only did I have to worry about them inspecting me, but now I had the added bonus of worrying if they were going to do the same to Justin. Which they probably were and even more so because they’d never met him before. God, I hoped he was busy at that time.
“I dunno. I’ll have to ask him. He might be doing something with his family instead.”
“Okay, Missy girl.” I don’t where she’d gotten that nickname from, but she’d been calling me for that as long as I could remember. “Well at least try to get him here. I haven’t seen that boy in ages myself. How is he?”
He’s working on his first solo project and doesn’t know he’s a father-to-be. “He’s good.”
“Good, good.” She said, her voice trailing off into silence, making me realize that since my calls to her had gotten rarer and rarer whenever we did talk, the conversations were always short and formal. We didn’t always used to be like this. But time and space changes things.
And all I wanted to do was go back to the way things were, when I was just my mama’s little girl and my only problems were trying to get my bedtime pushed back so I could watch Dawson’s Creek.
“So I guess I’ll see you there. Bye, Ma.”
“Yeah, okay.” She said, pausing her goodbye and keeping me on the phone longer. “Are you okay, baby? You sound…off, today.”
That made me smile. Just the fact that even though we had drifted apart, yet in still, she could still pick up on my mood from miles upon miles away”that made me smile. “I’ve been better. I just need to clear my head, go for a walk or something.”
“Okay, honey, you do what you gotta do. But if you want to talk your mama’s here for you.”
Laughing to keep from crying, I said, “I just might have to take you up on that later. Bye, Ma.”
“Bye, K.”
I dragged myself into the house. I was hot and bothered in the worst way. My walk around the block hadn’t done much for clearing my head. In fact, now my worry clouded head had only gotten the added bonus of being wrapped in a frizzy mop of black hair, thanks to the humid weather.
I was about to make a straight shot to the shower, when the aroma of a home-cooked meal greeted my nostrils, quickly let me know that I was going to have to put my shower on hold. With my stomach leading the way, I was in the kitchen before I even realized that was where I wanted to go. Finding the stove on, but the kitchen empty, I called out to Justin several times”each time to silence.
“Who just turns a stove on and leaves?” I grumbled, though I began to help myself to what was cooking.
“I knew it!” a voice cried out behind me suddenly piercing through the silence, causing me to nearly jump out of my skin.
“What the hell is wrong with you, boy?” I yelled, taking a seat, still holding my chest in shock.
Justin just smirked and repeated, “I knew it.”
Frowning, I said, “What did you know?”
“Leave a little food out and I knew I’d get ya.”
“Get me how?”
“To come home.”
My eyes rolled at that. “Like I don’t ever come home. That would be you.”
“No, no. I’m serious. I’ve been doing a little experiment the last few days.”
“Experiment, huh?” I said, unable to pretend like I wasn’t hungry any longer as I made moves back over to the stove to make a bowl of the chili for myself. Justin wasn’t much of a cook, but chili had somehow become one of his specialties. “And since when did you learn how to cook?”
“Don’t worry about it.” He grinned. “See, what I’ve been doing is cooking then leaving the food out for you and waiting to see what you do. Then other days I wouldn’t cook anything, but I’d still be home. And guess which one caught your attention long enough to get you to sit still for more than a minute?”
“You’re ridiculous. I spend more time in this house than you do.”
“True. But not with me you don’t.” he said, this time with no hint of a smile. He sighed softly, running his fingers through his hair tiredly. That’s when I noticed his eyes were slightly bloodshot and small bags had started to form under his eyes. Sitting down next to me at the table, he watched me for a few moments in silence. And I actually squirmed under his gaze.
Justin never made me squirm.
Okay, he made me squirm, but not by simply looking at me. And this wasn’t a sexual stare at all; it was just a regular stare-you-down stare. Try-to-figure-you-out stare.
Sucking my teeth, I rolled my eyes and shifted myself slightly away from him. “And so what are you saying? I’m such a fat ass now that you have to put out a trail of food to lure me home?”
He shook his head and took my hands in his. “You know that’s not what I’m saying. But I don’t like having to trick my girlfriend into spending time with me.”
“And I don’t like being tricked.” I said, snatching my hands from him and crossing my arms against my chest.
He watched me for a minute, not saying a word, before he got up and started to walk away.
“So you’re just going to leave?”
Slowly turning to face me again, he sighed. “Do you want me to stay?”
It was my turn to watch him. He was testing me. I wasn’t in the mood for tests. “You know what? I gotta…”
“Go?” he finished for me with a sarcastic smirk as his eyes rolled to the ceiling. “Of course you do.”
I was going to just leave. Just walk away, clear my head like I was supposed to have done an hour ago, but hadn’t really worked out since instead of relaxing, I kept thinking about everything. How everything was. How everything wasn’t supposed to be. So instead of just leaving, just walking away”I snapped.
“I’m about sick and tired of you trying to be act like you’re some damn victim! I’m not eating like it’s going out of style, because I’d rather stuff my face than talk to you. I’m not avoiding you, because I’ve decided to have some kind of sordid love affair with the refrigerator all of a sudden. I’m stressed. So I eat. Then I think about how it’s all going straight to my thighs and I get more stressed. Therefore I brilliantly find myself eating more. So if it feels like I wasn’t letting my life revolve around your skinny ass. I’m so, so sorry. I’ve got some shit on my mind.”
When I stopped ranting, it felt like everything had stopped. Justin was standing so still that it almost started to worry me, before he blinked again and took a step toward me.
I took a step away. I hadn’t let him get too close since I’d started to suspect that there might be a bun in the oven. For some reason, I had it in my head that if he held me for too long that he’d just know. It was too soon for me to be showing yet, but it felt like I had gained weight. I had definitely started to eat for two. And I just had this sinking feeling that if he held me and felt that extra weight and made so much as one little remark about it, even done jokingly”I might crack and tell everything.
I’m certainly not ready to deal with his reaction to this right now. I was barely ready to deal with my own.
Unfortunately, Justin was always a sneaky little thing and before I knew it, he’d invaded my space and pulled me in close to him.
I didn’t even realize I was still standing so tense, until he whispered, “Relax, baby.”
Taking a deep breath, I exhaled slowly. Exhale stress, anxiety and worry, inhale the comforting smell of the one person in the world I know I should be able to trust with something like this.
I wrapped my arms around him securely, letting my body become pushed against his sturdy one. If he noticed anything different and made a comment, I would tell him. Otherwise, I’m taking his silence to be a GFG (gift from God) that it’s okay to keep this under wraps for another day, or five.
Taking another deep breath, I met his gaze, hoping against hope that he hadn’t noticed any difference in my body. Exhale nagging insecurities, inhale the love that I was previously pushing away in fear of burn that often tagged along.
”You should know better than to be walking around all stressed out,” he said, smiling down on me. “When I got your stress reliever right here.”
Pushing away from him, I sighed. “I just knew this was all about getting into my pants.”
His face looked like he was caught in between thought wavelengths. “You’re the only woman in the world, who runs away from good loving.” He said frowning, apparently he’d gone with the thought coming from south of the border.
“You’d be surprised how many women do that all the time.” I sighed. “Can we start over?”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, as if he was considering my offer, before he nodded. “Okay,” he easily smiled, extending his hand to me. “Hi, I’m Justin.”
Laughing, I shook my head. “Let’s not rewind the tape back quite that far. One childhood spent with you is more than enough.”
“What are you talking about? You’re the one who was always getting me in trouble!”
“Boy, you lie like the sky is high. You’re the one who talked me into eggings, teepeeings. You’re the one who told me that we could borrow your mom’s car for Memorial weekend to chill at Miami. Only to find out a day and half into the trip, when the cops pulled us over ‘cause the car which you’d so brilliantly failed to ask for permission to drive was being reported as stolen. Not to mention the fact that wound up spending a night in a damn jail cell. You’re just lucky that *NSYNC was only big in Europe at the time. And you’re also the who…”
Cutting me off, he said, “So what are you trying to say?”
“You’ve been getting me into trouble for as long as I can remember.” I said, matter of factly. “But you never let me get hurt and no matter how much I was mad at you afterwards for getting me into the mess, I always had fun with you while we were doing it.”
“Because I be doin’ it, and doin’ it and doin’ it well.” He said, with no smile, but his eyes looked lighter and brighter. His stance less defensive and more leaned towards me.
Yeah, and that’s what got me in trouble this time, I thought. “So I guess that means that I must love you, huh?”
A slow, easy grin sidled across his face as I moved myself back into his space, allowing him to be the one to accept the invitation for once. “Isn’t it a little soon to be talking about love?” he said. “I mean, we just met.”
Even though my eyes rolled, my smile stayed in place. “I just got the feeling that you were going to be annoying me for a long time to come.”
He just smiled. “So does that mean that I’m finally going to get an invite to Thanksgiving this year?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, my smile falling.
“You know, so we can spend time together.”
“We can do that here.”
“Yeah, but we hardly ever do.”
“So that’s my fault?”
A deep sigh escaped his parted lips. “I thought we got past this.”
“Yeah, so did I. Yet, here you go bringing it up again.”
“I’ve invited you to spend Thanksgiving with my family, but never, not once, did you let me come over to spend it with your family. In fact, now that I think about it I don’t think I’ve met anyone in your family outside of your mom and sister.”
“Well, that’s your problem right there. You were trying to think. You know that’s not your strong suit.”
“Jokes aside,” he said, sternly. “I’m trying to be serious. Why haven’t I gotten to meet the rest of your family in all these years?”
“Justin, how long have I known you? Over a decade? What difference does it make now? You never cared before.”
“Never cared before? Are you serious? We have had the same damn argument every year about this.”
“So why don’t you do something…surprising then and skip the argument this year.”
“Because every year, you win. And I wanna win this time.”
I laughed at that, I just couldn’t help it. “That was cute. Really. But you should have stomped your feet at the end. It would have make your little tantrum complete.”
“You still think I’m joking.”
“No, I know you’re serious. Annoyingly won’t-drop-the-subject serious about it.”
“So…”
“So, what? You spend Thanksgiving with your family. I spend it with mine. That’s the way it goes. You know your mom and grandma hardly get to see you as it is, if you bailed on this too you’d never hear the end of it.”
“Let me worry about that.”
“So you wanna come?”
“Where have you been every year we talked about this?” he asked, looking at me incredulously. “Hell yeah, I want to come.”
“Fine.”
He watched me for a moment, stunned. “That’s it? Fine and that’s it?”
“Yeah, you wanna come.” I sighed with a defeated shrug. “So come then.”
“You can stop jumping for joy over it now. After all, I wouldn’t want to mistake you for the type of girlfriend who actually enjoys spending time with her boyfriend during the holidays.”
“I am happy.” I said, pushing my mouth up into a bright fake smile. “See? I’m happy.”
He just shook his head at me. “You’re an evil lil’ somethin’ when you wanna be.” He said, sounding like he was about to renege on his RSVP. “But I’m still coming with you.” He added, kissing me briefly on the forehead before getting up and leaving, talking about how he had to be back at the studio as he went.
We were all gathered around the dining room table, looking very Cosby-ish. Everybody seemed to be getting along”even my Aunts’ laser stares were kept to a minimum”but the night was still young.
Thanksgiving was a supposed to be a time to come together with your family and give thanks for the many blessings you’d received throughout the year. For my family, that translated into a go-ahead for having a day of bragging and boasting, full of puffing your chest out and daring someone to try to appear on your level.
My sister had always been better at this than I was. Not because she tried harder. No, no, she didn’t have to try at all. My mother bragged enough about her for her.
“Did you know that your sister’s been offered another promotion, Keisha?” She had said, beaming across the table.
Nepotism will do that for you, I thought but kept it to myself and just merely shook my head, which was the signal to my mom to continue to tell me just how brilliant my sister was and how many people”older, more experienced people, mind you”that she was able to knock out for the position.
But that’s usually about the time that I stop listening.
Was I jealous of my sister? Yes and no. The yes is pretty obvious, in comparison to her upwardly mobile, super overachiever, soon to be married to a handsome (yes, the bastard had so perfectly decided to propose to her, right at the dinner table), charming, oh so in love with her, fairly wealthy stock broker life, my still in college, pregnant with no prospects of jumping over any brooms, older sister life just didn’t have the same shiny package as hers did.
She was the social one, the one who went out there and made things happened. I was anti-social one, the one who usually watched the shakers and movers and found things about them to laugh at, while secretly admiring their determination and zealous to achieve their goals. Not to say that I didn’t go for things that I wanted in life, it just meant that my approach was a lot more laidback.
Well, I say laidback; my mother on the other hand would probably call it lazy. Tomato, tomata.
My sister and I were just different people in that sense, but I truly believe that despite her general ability to outshine me that we would have gotten along so much better as we were growing up if my mom didn’t always play favorites. So even though we had never become enemies, we never got to be the kind of close-knit sisters I’d always wanted us to be.
I must have been lost in my own thoughts for too long, because the next thing I knew, Justin was nudging me and when I looked up at him with a frown, he just nodded over towards one of my Aunts.
Aunt Jen was watching me. When I met her hard gaze, she didn’t say anything for a few seconds, before she cleared her throat and said, “How long have you two been friends?”
I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. I knew they’d get to the point where they would want to start their interrogation, but I was hoping with all the excitement that had been stirred up from my sister’s new engagement that they just do what they usually did: focus in on Shaina, to the point where I could have fallen through a mysterious hole into another dimension and it wouldn’t have mattered to anyone.
Unfortunately, Shaina hadn’t been the mood to be in the spotlight this year and instead kept re-directing the conversation back towards me and my life. They brought up her promotion and she brought up an internship I’d been accepted for. They brought up her perfect posture, coming from a family of doctors, lawyers and judges, starched-pants man and she brought up Justin.
“Pretty much since forever.” Justin said, speaking up when I hadn’t.
“Then why is this the first time we’re hearing about you?”
Justin gave me a look, a disappointed and slightly annoyed look that asked me the same question, before turning toward the row of my Aunts, who’d set themselves up in a way that they looked just like a firing squad. Only their weapons of choice were their mouths, which could hurl questions out by the second.
“That’s a good question.” He said, his face was visibly tighter now and he was shifting in his seat like he did when he was uncomfortable.
“They know about you.” I whispered, facing him. “This is just one of the games they play to crack the new ones.”
Seeing that I was getting up to leave, he reached out to me like his 6’1” self was actually afraid to be left alone with my Aunts. “Where are you going?”
“I’m getting a headache, so I’m gonna go on a drug hunt.” When he didn’t look too happy at the thought of my leaving him, I added, “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? They ask you a bunch of questions that make you so uncomfortable that you’ll never think about asking to come over for Thanksgiving with my family again?”
He rolled his eyes and tried to look annoyed, but the twitch at the corner of his mouth gave him away. Placing my hands on either side of his head, I gave him a few quick pecks and said, “Be strong, my love.”
Again those sea blue eyes of his rolled, but that didn’t stop him from reaching for me as I moved to leave. Pulling me down onto his lap momentarily, he whispered, “They won’t ask me about…about…” He sighed, his eyes wandering the room for a moment before he said, “our…y’know our sex life, will they?”
I laughed. I tried not to, but he looked so adorably worried about it that I couldn’t help it. Still laughing, I said, “Will it make you regret coming?”
“Probably.”
“Then chances are, yes.” I said, chuckling harder now at his chagrin. “Don’t worry, baby. They’re mean old ladies, who get their jollies from picking apart other people’s lives, but deep, deep, deep down…underneath the botox injections, the face lifts and tummy tucks, and the half a pound of make-up, they’re just women who want some young strapping man, such as yourself, to notice them, appreciate them, compliment them.” When Justin still didn’t look consoled, I added, “If they were grumpy old men you’d be in trouble. But they’re not. You’re a man, they’re women. Do what you gotta do.”
His eyebrows rose at that, causing me to realize what exactly I’d just implied, “Oh, god, no. Not that. I mean, flirt if you have to. Anything more than that is…just…” Feeling like my recently digested dinner might make an encore performance, I said, “Just be yourself and you’ll be fine.”
Leaving Justin alone to fend for himself against them, I sought refuge in the kitchen. Unfortunately, the kitchen wasn’t people free either.
“Hey,” I muttered, plopping down onto a nearby stool.
“Hey you.” Mama said, standing at the stove, icing a cake. “Tired of your aunties already?” she laughed.
Just the thought of them made me tired. Sighing, I said, “They wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t so…so abrasive. Can’t we have just one holiday without the third degree?”
“That’s just their style. They’re old now and set in their ways. Nothing you can do, but accept it and let it go.”
I just nodded, letting silence fill in for my missing words. My mouth opened and closed, closed and opened”and I still couldn’t figure out how I wanted to start. Now might not have been the best time, but I felt like I needed to talk someone about the baby. Someone other than Coral. A fellow mother should understand, where I’m coming from, she’s already walked down this road”twice.
“Ma?” I started tentatively, swallowing back a growing lump in my throat.
Turning towards me now and giving me her full, undivided, she said, “Yeah?”
Having all of her attention only served to make me even more nervous. Staring at my hands now, I said, “I don’t know how to say this. It’s not a life or death thing. It’s actually a blessing, if you think about.”
“What is it, girl?” She laughed. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re about to tell me that you’re pregnant or something.”
Laughing with her, I said, “I am pregnant...” Noticing that her laughter was starting to die, I laughed a little harder to overcompensate. “Or something.”
My mother was no longer laughing at all; her face had gone mute and expressionless, causing me to choke back my nervous laughter.
“You’re serious?”
I nodded, my eyes falling to my hands again.
“How long have you known?”
“I just found out officially two days ago, but I’ve suspected it for a few weeks now.”
Silence breezed into the gaps in our conversation, as my mother just watched me and I turned laser eyes on my nails. “You’re serious?” she asked again, her voice almost pleading with me to humor her and change the answer this time.
“Yeah, Ma. I’m serious.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to keep saying the same thing over and over. It’s just…” She trailed off, shaking her head. “You’re serious?” she frowned, biting her lip. “My baby’s pregnant.” She whispered, releasing her bottom lip with a sigh and going back to shaking her head.
“I’m 21, nearly 22. You’ve always been so quick to remind me that I’m grown since I turned 18.”
“Sure you’re grown, as far as taking care of yourself financially. Legally. But you’ll always be my baby.”
“I know, Ma.” I said, allowing her to sweep me up into a tight hug. “Are you crying?” I asked, after hearing a few sniffles.
Taking a step back, laughing and wiping her face, she said, “I didn’t expect to be a grandma yet. I’m still trying to get my young woman on.” She chuckled. “Feels like I’ve hardly gotten a chance to step back from raising you girls. And now you’re trying to make feel old.”
“You don’t look a day over 30.”
“Oh, hush up now. I know you’re trying to get some brownie points.” She laughed, wiping away the straggler tears. “So, where’s Justin? I wanna congratulate the new papa.”
“Um, about that…I haven’t gotten around to actually telling him yet.”
She frowned. “Well, I don’t know about how you kids do it nowadays, but back in my day we usually liked to inform the child’s father first.”
“I know.” I groaned, hearing her voice in its lecture prelude mode. “And I do plan on telling him real soon. I just…”
“Just what?” she cut me off, with a frown. “It’s just Justin. The same goofy lil’ boy who used to follow you around when y’all were kids.”
“I know, but…”
“Then act like you know. Y’all been friends for years, now y’all are dating. It’s not like he’s some fool-tail man you met at a club and had a one-night stand with. He’s your best friend turned boyfriend. So act like you know. And let him know what’s going on.” She said, steering me back into the dining room. “And stop hiding out in the kitchen and go save him from your aunts. Poor boy. Who knows what kid of secrets they’ve brow beaten out of him by now.”
As I walked back into the dining room, fully expecting it to be a rescue mission, I was instead greeted with rowdy…laughter? This naturally threw me off so much that I had to check my surrounding to make sure I was really where I thought I was.
My aunts had broken their straight line formation and formed a circle in which Justin was in the middle, looking like the pleased as punch cock in the hen house.
“You should have brought him over a long time ago.” Aunt Carol said, barely acknowledging my prescence for all that grinning she still was doing at Justin.
Shaking her grey-curled hair, Aunt May said, “Keeping him all to yourself.”
“You always were a selfish girl.” Aunt Jen-eral added, giving me a disapproving glare, before flashing Justin a warm-hearted smile. I didn’t even know the General’s teeth could do anything other than snarl.
I should have known that even if they did like Justin, they’d still find a way to put me down. I thought if they got along with him, then that would be a plus for me. As a way for them to say, yeah, we still don’t really like you all that much, hey, at least your choice in men isn’t half-bad. Of course Justin, despite charming them as I knew he would, wasn’t a plus in my favor. Of fucking course not.
I wanted to say something, but years of home training and undeserved respect held my tongue, but nothing was holding my feet.
I wasn’t even a good amount down the hall before I heard footsteps following me, which could only belong to one person. I knew it was him without turning around, because I’d stormed off many times during these little family get-togethers and never had I been followed, so the only variable was Justin.
“Hey,” he called, his pace slow and steady behind me. “K!”
“What?” I sighed, stopping this time, but still not facing him.
“What’s wrong?” I could hear the confusion in his voice. “I thought you’d be happy to see me getting along with them.”
“I knew you were going to get along with them.” I said, forcing myself to face him. “You get along with everyone. Everyone likes you.”
“Okay, let’s say that that’s true. But what about you?”
I let the question hang in the air unanswered. Let it soak in. Let it piss me off a little more than I already was.
“What about me?” I frowned. “Do I like you? Is that what you’re asking?”
He just stood there, silently, neither confirming nor denying”just simply watching me.
“You know this is getting old.” I sighed. “This thing we do, where you question my feelings and I jokingly pretend that I don’t care, when really it’s pretty damn obvious that I do care. Really, really care. Put your needs before my own, care. The kind of caring that makes me wish I didn’t care, care. So once and for all, guess what? Your sarcastic, heavy emotion wary girlfriend…cares about you. Likes you. Loves you.” I said, our eyes more locked on each other than they been in months. “Now get over it.”
I had only managed to get a few steps away again, before Justin rushed to catch me. His arms wrapping around me suddenly, tightly”leaving me with no choice to but to go where he directed, which happened to be right in front of a nearby wall mirror.
His arms around my waist, his body close behind mine, I stared at our pushed together images in the mirror.
“They look good together, don’t they?” he finally whispered, his lips close to my ears.
My eyes had started to take an interest in carpet by then. Looking up into the mirror, I shrugged. “I guess.”
“You guess? Look at how handsome that young man is. And his lady friend isn’t half-bad either.” He teased, his edges of his lips beginning to reach for the sky.
Rolling my eyes, I pushed him off and away from me. I wanted him close, liked what he was saying, wanted to believe what he was saying, but my head was all over the place. Heart wandering aimlessly, hopelessly with it.
Damn hormones.
“What’s wrong?” he sighed. That seemed to be his favorite question nowadays.
“Nothing.” I grumbled, which seemed to be my favorite answer nowadays.
“You’ve been acting strange for awhile.”
“Oh, so I’m strange now?” I said, knowing I was pushing us toward another argument, but unable to resist it at the same time. It wasn’t like fussing and fighting was out of the ordinary for us, even long before dated when the thought of being more than a friend to him would have caused me to hyena chuckle, arguments were our thing. But we’re not just friends anymore, so there arguments weren’t same. Felt different. The possibilities for getting hurt were tripled.
Damn love.
“You’ve always been strange.” He commented with a small smile. “Now it’s just an angry strange.”
I shifted my weight from foot to foot, trying my damnest not to assume the defensive arms crossed against my chest pose. “I’m not mad.”
“Then what are you?” He asked, his voice frustrated, his face exasperated. “And don’t say you’re fine, ‘cause you’ve been giving me the same answers for a week now. It’s either ‘I’m fine’ or ‘nothing.’”
“Well, maybe you should stop looking for problems and be okay with the fact that there is no problem.”
“Okay.” He said, throwing his hands up and walking away.
“Where are you going?” I snapped.
Shrugging, he just continued to walk away.
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
We had decided to just go ahead and spend the night over at my mom’s place. Well, technically I had decided that all by my lonesome since Justin was off…who knows where. I’d left probably twenty-three pissed off voicemails on his phone. Guess how many times he called me back.
Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
Once, twice? Nah, more like none. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with us lately. We already weren’t spending that much time together between him focusing on recording and going into his ‘creative seclusions’ as he liked to call it when he was home and me attending full-time school, that didn’t leave much time for us. And when we did have time, we didn’t do the smart thing and enjoy it by making the most of it.
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real shit (yes)
See baby we been...
No, we played the blame game, which despite Justin being the busier of the two, he usually found a way to turn it around to make it seem like it was my fault that we didn’t spend time together. Add in hay-wire hormones and it all created a more hostile than loving environment.
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
And unfortunately, all these extras fights had led Justin to develop the walk away defense. Though usually he did make it back before the sun went to bed.
Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. Or should I say, this morning wasn’t one of those mornings? At any rate, it was 1AM and I was in the middle of making a late night snack, when Justin decided finally to grace me with his presence.
Hearing a knocking on the kitchen window, I rolled my eyes. I didn’t need to look up to know that it was him on the other side. I just went straight to the front door and opened it for him. Not waiting for him to catch up, I turned on my heel and strolled back to the kitchen.
It wasn’t long before I heard his slow, heavy footsteps behind me.
God, I hope that fool didn’t do anything stupid, like get drunk.
I got a question for ya
When he finally entered the kitchen, he didn’t say anything for a while”just leaned against a far wall, arms crossed like he was Ricky Ricardo and I was Lucy and I had some ‘splainin’ to do.
“Where have you been?” I asked, trying to restrain my anger, more out of courtesy for the other sleeping residents and for the sake of keeping our business ours than for his sake alone.
See I already know the answer
“Nowhere.”
I started to open my mouth to go off on him and his ‘nowhere,’ but instead chose to close it without saying a word. It was late. I was hungry. Yelling at him wouldn’t do anything but distract me from making my foot long sub.
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
His eyebrows rose at my silence. It was nice to know that even after all these years I could still surprise him. “You aren’t going to interrogate me?”
“Nope.” I said, not even glancing at him as I placed the bread down on the sandwich.
Make me cry? (no)
A few more moments passed in silence, as I looked for some chips and he continued to stand towards the entryway of the kitchen. Finally, he said, “You aren’t going to ask me where this lipstick stain on my collar came from?”
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
My head snapped up at that, eyes focusing in on the stain for several seconds. Confirming that it was a fresh lip imprint, I sucked my lip in and cursed under my breath realizing that I’d somehow managed to entirely miss the sub and had the knife connect with my finger instead. Sucking on my injured finger, I just glared at him for a few seconds. Wanting to know what the hell was he was thinking about. I wasn’t in the mood for playing mind games.
But with the way I’d been acting lately, I’m sure he noticed I wasn’t in the mood for a lot of things.
“Nope.” I said, turning my back to him, I wiped my eyes and this time managed to cut the sub in half instead of my finger.
Well, neither would I, baby
“So you wouldn’t get mad if I told you that I got it from a stripper who got a little too friendly with me while she was giving me a lap dance?”
He was pressing his luck now. I’d gotten a little more patient with him since we’d started to live together, but there wasn’t enough patience in the world if he kept going the way he was.
“If you …” I cut myself off with a shake of my head. He was just trying to get a rise out of me, I know it. And if he wasn’t and it was really…no, he was just trying to get me riled up, but like I said before I wasn’t up for the games tonight. “No, I wouldn’t get mad.” I said, finishing my sandwich making and heading back into my old bedroom.
My love is only your love (yes)
A few minutes passed, before my door was slowly opened, followed by Justin peeking his head in, in hesitation. Good, that meant he knew me well enough to know that he’d thoroughly pissed me off, which loosely translated to physical violence since my hands were now liable to seek out something to chuck at him.
Taking a risk and walking fully into the room, he still stood at a safe distance as he said, “You know I didn’t do any of that stuff right?”
I'll be faithful (yes)
I'm for real (yes)
When I continued to act like I didn’t notice his presence, he must have taken that as a green light to come closer, because it wasn’t long before he was in the bed with me. My body tensed at his touch, when the bastard actually tried to snuggle up against me as I snuggled up with my 12 inch sub sandwich. “I was just trying to make you as frustrated as I was. The lipstick stain I put on there myself, don’t ask me where I got the lipstick though.” He laughed quietly. A nervous laughter that knew that it was going to be met with silence.
I still didn’t say anything, but I didn’t push him away, like I was thinking about doing. Instead I just kept eating in silence.
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...
This boy was still playing games. Hell, maybe that made me still a girl for playing along.
“Still giving me the silent treatment huh?” he sighed, watching me. “Dang, that sandwich is huge! Since when did you get so greedy?” He laughed again and this time the sound brought a frown to my face.
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Since you knocked me up, fool. I thought, but just continued nibbling on my sandwich silently.
“Well, can I have some of it?”
“You know I only share my food with people I like.”
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
“Oh, so it’s like that?”
I just stared at him for a moment. Stared and wondered if there was an apology lurking in his eyes that had just missed the exit ramp to his mouth.
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Finding nothing but a face waiting for an answer, I took a big bite and said, “Been like that, Brah.”
Secrets.
The air seemed to be thick with secrets.
If Thanksgiving, as many other holidays are prone to be, was considered a battleground, then in the days that followed the couple found themselves living in an unspoken truce. White flags were put up and swaying in the wind, but wind is such a fickle thing. Out of nowhere it can suddenly change, shift from calm and peaceful to wild and turbulent, especially when clouds come into play.
But for now…
Now it was calm.
“Is there any Herbal Essence shampoo in the house?” Justin asked K, who was lounging against his wife beater wearing chest and flipping through the channels.
She frowned and didn’t answer immediately. “No, but there’s probably some Suave or something. Why?”
“I just wanted to know ‘cause if there is, I wanted to wash your hair.”
Her frown deepened. “Wash my hair? Boy is you crazy?”
“No, I’m serious.” He laughed.
“Why?” She persisted, her brow still wrinkled as she slanted her body against his chest to look him in the eyes.
Shrugging, he said, “I dunno, it might be fun. Something different for us to do than just sitting around watching TV.”
She smiled slightly, thinking she was catching onto what he was thinking. “Oh you’re hoping that I do all that ‘Oooh yes, yes, yes!’ shit that them girls be doing over that shampoo.”
“Nah,” He chuckled, his arms slightly tightened around her waist for a moment giving her a loving squeeze. “But if you did, that would just be a bonus.”
“So then why? I know my hair can’t be looking that bad…and even if it is.” She said, playing with her hair self-consciously now. “I’m about to get it done again in three days.”
“Can’t a man just want to wash his woman’s hair without getting the third degree to do it?”
Turning around so that she was facing him, she curiously retorted, “You’re serious? You really want to wash my hair?”
“Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying.” He said, grabbing her hand and pulling her up the steps. When he’d reached the top of the stairs with her a step behind, he’d turned back to face her again. “Okay once your foot touches the top of the stairs you can’t speak anymore.”
“Nothing?”
“Nada.” He shook his head. “Not a word.”
She took her last step up, smiling up at him as she nodded, using the hand that wasn’t holding his to zip her lips and throw away the key. In mid throw she hesitated, deciding instead to place the key in his hand.
He smiled at her, softly. “C’mon.” He said, his voice falling to that enticing tone that always got her to listen to him, as he led her into the bedroom.
A step away from walking into the bedroom, Justin turned suddenly to face her. His eyes searching hers in silence. A small smile curled her lips, more out of confusion than anything. She wanted to ask why they were going into the bedroom when what he wanted to do was wash her hair. When her mouth opened to speak, he was quick to put a silencing finger to her lips. Shaking his head at her, his lips curled up into a warm smile as he took her hand leading her into the bedroom.
Clothes fell away from heated skin, quick. Quick kisses dropped over the newly exposed flesh. Moans, soft and gentle. Groans, loud and primal.
She wanted to rip his clothes off and slam him up against the wall. He wanted to slowly unravel her body, before lavishing it with warm, sweet kisses.
She pushed forward. He pulled back.
Stares. Panting they stared each other down. She was half undressed. Her shirt discarded, leaving only her Victoria’s Secret bra to cover her breasts.
She took a step toward him. He took a step toward the door.
Her eyebrow rose, her head tilted slightly to the side as she watched him with a smirk. Her fingers traced the curves of her swelling breasts. His eyes followed her fingers, mesmerized.
Fingers glided up to the black straps”gently pushed off shoulder. One down, one to go.
She reached for the other strap. He reached for it too. His large hand grazed hers. Their eyes locked. Two down.
His arms wrapped around her body, pulling her in close. His hands skillfully maneuvering to unclasp her bra. Her eyes focused on him, unmoving. Her heart bumping to an up-tempo beat.
As Victoria’s Secrets were being revealed, she grew impatient with his lack of nudity. She wanted to see some skin. Body hungry fingers hooked around the bottom of his wifebeater, pulling it over his head before could react.
Half nude, half satisfied, she reached for the real prize. Her fingers skimming the top trim of his boxers, those fingers dipped inside.
Taking a step back, he shook his head with a smirk in place. Taking a step forward, she shook her head back at him with a smirk of her own.
With breaking eye contact, he said, "I'm sorry.”
He watched as the lust in her eyes was diluted by something else, something he couldn’t read. Taking a deep breath, he said, “About everything. All the little fights lately. Being in a pissy attitude. The lipstick stain. That was out of line." He paused again, as if giving her a chance to respond. When she didn’t, he continued.
"I don't know why or how you put up with my shit sometimes. And sometimes I think I only do it because I know you'll let me." This time she opened her mouth, but he put a gentle finger to it”kissing the finger before bringing them back to her lips. Once she’d closed her mouth again, he met his lips with hers lightly.
"I'm not blaming you. I know it's still my fault. You shouldn't have to put a leash on me for me to know the boundaries. Clearly, making up going out and cheating on you, is a line crossing move. So I'm sorry. I know a few kisses aren’t enough to make up for it, but it's my way of letting you taste my love...since I don't always show it how I should in other ways." He said, lips apologizing to her forehead, nose, and chin, with kisses that lingered around her full lips”a brush of lips.
She loved him. She really did love him. But when he pulled things like this, which he was oft to do, it made it really, really had to trust him. You can love someone and not trust them, but you can't love someone you don't trust and seriously expect to have a good relationship with them.
And she really, really wanted to trust him. Not because she had daddy issues, which crossed over into abandonment issues. She had been his best friend through thick and thin for over a decade and that kind of relationship brought along with it learned trust. Though building trust is never as hard as breaking it, it can be very hard when you want so badly to believe that it's not broken that you can't even see that it needs fixing.
She had known how he was with his girlfriends long before the thought ever occurred to her to take it this far with him. She knew he wasn't a love 'em and leave 'em type. She knew he wore his heart on his sleeve. She knew he was romantic. When he wanted to be.
But she also knew despite how hard he was capable of loving, he was equally as capable as being fickle with his feelings. That's why even though, it was true that all his girlfriends had cheated on him, it was also true that for the most part he'd initiated the cheating in the relationships with a kiss here, a wandering hand there.
Knowing didn't make it any easier to know that she stood a good chance of being just another girl on his ex list. Knowing didn't stop her from looking into those deep sea blue eyes of his and getting lost on unspoken promises and wishes. Knowing didn't keep her from hoping she was different, that their relationship could stand the waves.
So she ignored some things. Overlooked. Pretended not to see. So she didn't make any new waves.
After all, how mad can you be when in your hearts of hearts you really aren't surprised? Besides anger always originates from hurt. You get hurt, you get angry. That's how she usually reacted. That's how she would have reacted if it had been anything else, anyone else.
Love is such a funny thing. It changed the rules. Ran by its own playbook.
She didn't know the score, but with the feeling of his lips working just behind her ear causing her knees to go weak”she knew one thing for sure.
She was losing. Shamelessly.
She lay on her back, her legs wrapped around his waist, eyes closed, her body rocking, quivering.
In and out. Out and in. Slow and fast. Deep and shallow. Pleasure surged like electricity through her.
Small whimpers, long moans.
"Open your eyes." Justin panted, bringing their foreheads close together. "I need to see all of you."
Biting down on her lips as he gradually began to increase his pace, she opened the windows to her soul and stared straight into his eyes. So loving, so lusting. So damn sexy. She loved everything about being with him. The way he grunted, the way he worked his hips, the way he sought out her pleasure above his no matter how tired he was.
The way he kissed her. All over. So energetic. So excited. So passionate. Like each time was the first time. The last time. And he was going to make the most of it.
Love was always there. Amidst the cursing, the creaking bed, the various body tangled positions, and erratic cries to the high heavens. Love was always there.
"I-I love you." He said, breathlessly. For as much as he loved for her to keep her eyes open, he always closed his at climax.
As his love came down and he shuddered over her before falling away from her, she always wondered if the 'I love you' was something special to her--not to say that she had a patent on it, but was that something he always did with her? Or was just something he always did, period?
He never said her name. No matter how much she called out to him. He always responded with generics. It was 'baby', where her name should have been.
She was pulled out of her thoughts, when she suddenly felt him roll over towards her. "C'mon." he said, nudging her to get up. When all he received in return was a confused frown, he added, "I know we kinda got distracted. But I do plan on washing your hair, just like I said I would."
Her frown went from confused to slightly insulted.
Smiling back at her, he shook his head, having already interpreted her thoughts. "Your hair's fine. I just want to do this. We need to spend more time like this together. No petty arguments. No stupidity on my part. Just quality time. The last two weeks, I've felt like I'm missing you. I know you're there. Here. But I miss you just the same. I need peace. With you, between us. Things haven't even started to get crazy. I'm still recording. When the album drops, I need us to be strong. There's going to be a lot of attention on me, which means a lot of attention on us. I just..."
"Need peace." She whispered, breaking her silence agreement with him momentarily. She understood completely. She needed peace too.
Naked and dripping wet, they stood close together in the shower.
Lathering and rinsing, he'd been washing her hair for only a few minutes and already he was giving her tingles. The man was just orgasmic with his hands. Kneading, massaging, he worked out everything kink.
Stress flowed like the shampoo flavored water down the drain.
Her hands wandered his body, slowly, lightly--just fingertips. She made circles around his nipples, watching as this caused him to take in shallow breaths, biting down on his lip ever so slightly. Wandering lower she traced the muscled cuts of his abdomen, loving the way the muscles occasionally twitched under her touch. Starting as his hips she began to trace the V-cut of his pelvis, but before she could get below the belly button he'd taken her hand into his.
"Stop trying to seduce me." He smiled and his eyes smiled too.
She just grinned back, before turning her back to him and letting him finish his work.
His work was mostly hair oriented with occasional lapses into kissing sprees. Tender, feather light kisses dropped on the soft, smooth milk chocolate skin of the nape of her neck and shoulders. But the teasing was only meant as just that, teasing. After the shower was toweling off, then combing her out, drying her hair, then brushing, all of which he'd impressively done without one sexual overture. Though he had taken his sweet time when it came to toweling her nude body dry, but boys will be boys.
When he was done, she turned around and opened her mouth to ask him how she looked, but he cut her off at the pass, putting his finger to her lips "Uh, uh, uh. No talking remember?"
She smiled, nodding.
“And you’re beautiful as always.” He said, once again successfully interpreting her thoughts before kissing her gently.
Well, he'd done well to avoid sexual innuendoes all throughout the shower, but with his mind still on their moments under the warm spray of the shower, he was done with teasing. It was time for another go at the real deal.
With Keisha draped over his chest, he sighed the sigh of a man deeply content and satisfied. "I love you, Lekeisha Monet Davis." He murmured, stroking her long raven black hair.
Grinning at him, she didn't say a word--still following the rules of the silence agreement.
“Oh, you can talk now.” He said with a laugh.
Laughing too, she replied, “I love you too, my little hairstylist.”
He grinned at that. His chest poked out slightly, clearly proud of his handy work. “I did a good job, didn’t I?”
With a playful roll of the eyes, she said, “Is there anything you’re not good at?”
He didn’t say anything for awhile his mind flashing back to Sandy and the kiss. Guilt that his conscience had been trying to ignore for months, began to settle heavily down onto his temples in the form of a throbbing headache. And maybe she would have noticed and remarked on his sudden unusual quietness, but she was too busy thinking herself, her mind wandering back to where it always wandered lately: her pregnancy.
“I have to tell you something.” They both said in unison.
Laughing nervously together, it was K who spoke up again. “You go first.”
Justin hesitated. His words jumbled in his head and he needed a moment just to sort them out so they could at least make sense to him. He took a deep breath and she held her breath, knowing whenever he inhaled like that meant that after he exhaled it probably wasn't going to be say anything that would make her feel like skipping their wild flower meadows in spring.
Two deep breaths and he still hadn't said a word, her red alarms were off and wailing. So much for all Justin's efforts to relax her before the news.
“I probably should have told you this a long time ago." He started, eyes wandering around the general area of her eyes, but missing direct contact causing the red alarms to shriek. "I don’t even know why I waited this long to tell you. Okay, I know why I did…but I still shouldn’t have done it. I don’t even know how to say this.” He took in one last deep breath, releasing it as a deeper sigh, before blurting out. “Sandy kissed me and well, um, I kind of didn’t pull away.”
That’s when she stopped listening, because after that, really, what else did she need to know?
And just like that the wind had flipped the switch of its fickle mind from being calm and peaceful to wild and turbulent. Dark storm clouds were rolling in on the couple.
Fast.
