The truth will set you free.
I never knew
His love came down as he shuddered above her, before falling down onto her. Her hands didn't hesitate to wrap around him, under his arms”fingers playing in his hair.
"Wow, Nate." she sighed, breathlessly. "Wow, just wow."
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
He laughed, low and seductive. Raising up enough so that he look into her green eyes, he stroked her hair and just smiled down on her before dropping tender kisses on her forehead. "I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
Rolling her eyes, Joy couldn't help but smile up at him. "I can't believe I broke my celibacy for you."
"I can't believe you didn't break it sooner." He grinned back.
She just watched him for a long moment in silence. "What now?"
With a sigh, he rolled off of her and to her side. "I dunno."
But that's how it's got to be
Taking in a deep breath, she released it loudly with a frown as she pulled the covers up to her chin, suddenly feeling naked in more than a physical way. "When Tam calls you're going to answer." She said, she didn't make it a question because she already knew the answer. "Everything's changed, but nothing's changed."
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
She turned her head, taking her eyes from the ceiling to his face. They were laying shoulder-to-shoulder. The sheets still protectively pulled up tight to her chin, his share of the sheets lying carelessly around his waist.
She watched his silent profile, watched him as he watched the ceiling.
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and…
"This was a mistake. That's what you're thinking, right? This was just a big mistake."
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
He closed his eyes for a time and Joyce wondered if he was hoping that he was anywhere but here at this moment. His eyes opened slowly. Regretfully? Taking two deep breaths, he finally said, "What I feel for you is real. Those things...those things I said. About us. I meant that. Every word. I meant it. I do love you. I love being with you. Around you."
Over my head
"But..." She persisted, licking her lips as she tried to swallow back tears.
Those things, those words had meant the world to her. Those things, those words had been what allowed her to open up to him. Those things, those words had filled her with a confidence and warmth she'd never known. Now those things, those words had her doubting everything. Him. Her. Them.
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
"There's still Tamela." He said softly, finishing her sentence.
She's on your mind
"Yes." She nodded, pulling up the sheets around her. Shielding her. Even fully covered up, she felt naked in the worst way. "There's still Tamela."
Before silence could fully settle down in a nest of tension, she laughed out loud. He didn't ask what was wrong he just watched her worried.
Wiping away tears she was hoping was from laughing too hard, but knew better, she said, "Guess this is what I get for not being a man about it and just falling straight asleep after sex."
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Baby.
Pregnant.
Mommie.
Pregnant.
Child.
Let's rearrange
It’s in there, growing inside of me. I’m going to be a mother. I’m only twenty-one, with a year left in college. In the sense of the world, I was just a child. A child about to have a child. Damn, now I sound like one of those daytime talk shows.
I felt like a walking cliché talk show, you know one of the "My Baby is Having a Baby" episodes. I’d seen those kind of shows a million times, but when I watched those shows somehow I never could picture my face on those childish mother’s bodies. I mean, I guess I’m not off as bad as they were. I’ve got some years under my belt.
In another life, another time, twenty-one would have been an old maid for marriage and children. But I’m not getting married; this isn’t another time and this isn't someone else's life to live. This was mine and motherhood was supposed to come after college, after grad school, after I found the perfect job and husband, after I was settled comfortably into adult life. Instead, here I was barely having gotten my feet wet and I was being forced to dive headfirst into this.
The two A’s (adoption & abortion) had passed through my mind briefly in the first month, but now three months into my pregnancy, I knew that I could never give up my baby in any way shape or form. We”the baby and I”had a connection now. More than physical. More than simply growing inside me. Just as she was struggling to grow in the womb, I was struggling to grow as a person right along with her.
I sing to her”I like to think of it has a girl. I know Justin could do a much better job with that, when it comes to singing, but since he’s not aware of her existence yet, because I figured out how to make him aware yet, I’ve settled for sparing her poor eardrums the torture of listening to me butcher song after song, by stretching my headphones out to fit my slightly swollen belly. I’ve played every *NSYNC album I have for her.
I had never thought about why that’s the music I’d chosen before and I guess now that I am thinking about it, I’d have to say it’s because I must have wanted my babygirl to hear her father’s voice. This was the best way I could keep the two of them close, until I could get the courage to just tell him, like Coral and my mother kept nagging me to do.
Other than music, she’d gotten read to, too. I’d read anything I could get my hands on. TV guides, cookbooks, my school books, the many menus that I’d collected over the years, magazines”anything.
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
My avoidance of Justin had led me to missing the first one of his birthdays in over a decade. Overseas, across the country, just across the street, for the last ten plus five or eight”I don’t know anymore, I’ve lost count”years I’d never missed his birthday party. Hell, I was usually the one throwing it. But not tonight. His birthday party is tonight.
He wanted me to go. The countless voicemails he’d left for me were glaringly obvious proof of that. I knew it had started at nine and it was already past midnight now. I’d sent a card and present via Trace, who didn’t hesitate to try to guilt me into coming with him to the party. I wanted to just tell him what was going on so then he’d know why I didn’t feel like partying, especially not with Justin, but I didn’t feel like sharing. Didn’t feel like crying, again, so I just made up something about not feeling well, added a few weak ass coughs and finally just told him to get ta steppin’ when he wasn’t willing to leave on his own.
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
I’m surprised he didn’t notice the weight I’d gained. Maybe it’s not as obvious as I keep thinking it is. Maybe I’m just extra paranoid about it, making me extra insecure.
I had been wearing some real baggy sweat pants and an oversized shirt which was roomy despite my now protruding stomach. Now several hours later, I was laid out on my couch, alone in my apartment, feeling lonely and fat.
Other than drowning myself in extra material to cover my body, I’d tried to drown myself in school work for the last couple of months, tried not to notice the fact that I was alone and staring down the road of single motherhood, thanks to my own stupidity. The few calls I got, mostly from my mother and Coral, I dodged. Didn’t feel like talking to anyone right now. Knew what they were going to say anyway, the same things I’d been saying to myself for the last three months.
But that's disregard
I was going to tell him. I really was. Am. Really am. I just”
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
I’m fat. All I feel like doing is eating and sleeping. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d wonder if this is what depression feels like. Can’t fall in love if you’re depressed though, right? I mean, that’s a rule isn’t it?
I already love my baby”fell in love with her faster and harder than I’d ever fallen for anyone in my life. But I was scared, scared I was going to fuck it all up. Scared I was going to fuck my innocent child up, because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and…
Suddenly, there was a loud pounding at my door. I jumped at the sound of it, just staring at the door for a second, before I hesitantly pushed myself up off the couch.
I didn’t even bother with checking the peephole, which made the sight of Justin on the other side of the door all the more shocking. He was leaned against the doorframe as he wasn’t able to stand otherwise. He looked as if his face hadn’t seen a razor in days, but in some ways I liked him like this”rugged. Slightly unkempt. Real.
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
The moment I saw him I knew just what he’d come here for. His eyes always gave him away. And I did miss him so I probably wouldn’t have objected to that straight-line shot to the bedroom, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was bleary-eyed drunk and I bloated with a baby.
A lop-sided grin formed on his lips at the sight of me. “Hey, baby.” He slurred, moving forward as if he was expecting to be let in.
I wanted to say ‘I got ya baby right there’ but instead just moved my hand from its resting spot against the curve of my stomach to lay flat against his chest. “What are you doing here?”
He frowned, but didn’t try to push his way through”smart man. “It’s my birthday. I always spend my birthday with you.”
“It stopped being your birthday when the clock struck twelve.”
“Look,” he sighed. “I miss you and I just””
Over my head
His lips were hovering dangerously close to mine. Taking a step back, holding my stomach and then realizing what I was doing, I smoothed out the fabric and frowned at him. He’d taken the space I’d opened up as an opportunity to enter my apartment. “I think you should just go.” I said. “You didn’t drive yourself here, did you? Do you need me to drive you home?”
And suddenly I become a part of your past
“I don’t need anything but these past two months back.” He said with a shake of his head. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in a year. Years. I miss you. Don’t you miss me?” He asked, his dark blue eyes searching mine.
I'm becoming the part that don't last
Breaking his gaze, I stared at my feet. My bare feet. I was fucking barefoot and pregnant”all I needed to do now was head into the kitchen, tie an apron around my growing waist, to make this bitch slap to feminism complete. “Of course, I do, but…”
He sighed, holding his head as if this conversation was giving him a headache. “I know I messed up. I know I should have told you about the Sandy thing, but you’ve gotta believe me that it didn’t mean anything to me.”
I wanted to ask him what did mean something to him, wanted to know how many times we’d be having this conversation about one blonde bitch or another, but that was a trap I was going to have to fall in another time. Instead, I sighed and managed to keep my voice steady as I said, “I think you should go.”
I'm losing you and it’s effortless
He frowned, his arms reaching out for me before dropping to his side. “I feel old.” He blew out a frustrated breath of air.
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
I didn’t know how to respond to this sudden change in the conversation, so I didn’t say anything. Didn’t even bother with protesting as he took a seat on the couch. Walking over to the door, I closed and locked it, not wanting anymore of my private business becoming a public affair. I sat down on the far end of the couch, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, before finally sighing and turning to face him. “You can’t be going through The Change already.”
“The Change?”
“Y’know, midlife crisis and whatnot. Way too early for that.”
He laughed and the sound tickled my heart. “Nah, it’s not like that. I guess…I guess, I’m just tired. I was at my party, left early to be here, and I was thinking. Just walking around the club thinking, ‘is this where I really want to be?’ I was surrounded by smiling faces, even had a smile on my face too, but I wasn’t happy. Smile, but no happiness, that’s not right. Then I was trying to remember the last time I’d felt right. Couldn’t remember. Then I got your card.” He smiled, looking up from where he’d been staring at his hands to gaze into my eyes.
Now that he was looking at me, I dropped my eyes from him. Staring at my bare feet again, I said, “It wasn’t anything special. Just something I’d seen at the store that had made me smile.”
“It wasn’t the card. It was that it was from you. I’d been trying not to think about you for the last two months, trying to focus on my album, and then I get this card. And I realized…you’re where I want to be.”
I could feel a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. But I wasn’t going to let him sucker me in that quickly. Not this time. Not again. Damn, I really wish I could believe that.
Looking back at him, I noticed he’d moved closer, even if by only an inch or two, but he was definitely close. His eyes watched mine as mine failed miserably not to stare at his lips as he licked them. Slowly. I said, “I’m not a location.”
“I know, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
I feel that damn smile again. I didn’t want this. Didn’t need this. Wanting and needing this”him. That’s would be push me even closer into that proverbial kitchen. “Justin, if this is just your way of taking the side streets to good lovin’ lane, you might as well save your breath.”
Everyone knows I'm in…
He grinned and slowly shook his head. “I’m just saying that I missed you.”
Over my head
“You’ve already said that. The fifty-million messages on my answering machine begging me to come to your party said that.”
“So why didn’t you come then? You said you missed me, so why didn’t you come? It was my birthday.”
I smiled now. Now it was okay to smile. “Your voice is dangerously close to whining.”
“If I’m whining,” He whined. “It’s only because you missed my birthday.”
“I didn’t miss your birthday. I just didn’t spend it with you.”
“You missed my birthday.”
“Is this when I’m supposed to apologize?”
Over my head
He shook his head. His eyes wandering the room, as if he was searching for something. Finally, he said, “I’m old and I’m only going to get older. I don’t want to do that without you.”
That might have been cute if one or both of us was at least over the hill and looking down, wondering how fast the tumble down would be in compared to the climb up. But he wasn’t, I wasn’t, we weren’t”so likewise it wasn’t. “You’re not old. You’re twenty-three, in the prime of your life. Stop being so damn melodramatic.”
Everyone knows I'm in…
A small smile graced his face for a moment before he said, “What I’m trying to say is that I realized that you’re the one I want to grow old with.”
Over my head
I stared at him for a moment. He suddenly didn’t look as drunk as he had before. Tipsy now. Still not in the right frame of mind for this kind of conversation. Fully drunken or slightly tipsy promises were the last thing I needed.
“Okay, great, we’ll share the same retirement home. Now I really think it’s time for you to”” I didn’t realize until it was too late, just how close he’d gotten. His lips brushed mine for a breathtaking moment, before I took a big step back, hand over my stomach. “Go.”
Over my head
He nodded, turned and headed toward the door without another word. He was halfway out when I heard myself call out to him, despite fighting not to. “Justin?”
“Yeah?”
My brain scrambled for something safe. This wasn’t time, wasn’t the place for announcing unexpected, unplaced pregnancies. I was barefoot and pregnant, but I was getting thrown into the kitchen yet. I just needed time to think. A little more time away from him to think.
What came out of my jumbled thoughts was a soft spoken: “Happy Birthday.”
He smiled, softly. “It’s not my birthday anymore, remember?”
I’d just managed to drag myself up the second flight of steps needed to reach my apartment with my backpack overflowing with books. It was six-fifteen in the evening and I was finally done with classes for the day. I was fumbling with my keys when I heard, "Oh hey, long time no see. Where have you been?"
I turned around at the sound of the voice, finding my nosey ass neighbor Nadine standing behind me, in the doorway of her apartment. “Hey, Nadine.” I said, trying to push my lips up into a smile, when I couldn’t get them that high I settled for a cross between a smirk and grimace with a soft sigh.
I had somehow been lucky enough to have moved back in just when she’d decided to go a three-week getaway with her boyfriend in Costa Rica, which I had only found out from Erika, who had surprising had stop having wild and crazy loud ass monkey sexy long enough to check her mail and have a small conversation with me. She’d looked and smelled like she’d just gotten through having a good time, but I didn’t comment on it, it was none of my business how fast her resolving door of men spun.
As for the rest of the two months I’ve been back home, I’d just missed having this talk with Nadine out of sheer luck. Guess my luck must have run out. The good stuff in life always comes with an expiration date.
"I have been...uh, I was staying over...at a...um, friend's. At a friend's house. For awhile." I stammered.
Smooth is my middle name.
"A friend's huh? Well who's the friend?"
What difference does it make? I'm not even going to say anything. I'm just going to open the door and...
"Have you gained weight?"
What the hell kind of question was that? Who asked that? And the answer was yes...I had. But I didn't think it was that noticeable, but here was Nadine, Miss Observant, to point it out.
"I started working out at this new gym up the street a week ago.” She continued like my tense silence wasn’t a good enough deterrent. “I could sign you up to be in the classes with me."
I could sign you up for an ass kicking, is what I should have said. But instead I said nothing. I just unlocked the door, walked in and left Nadine with her rude ass questions in the hall. Alone.
I had only been inside the apartment for a few minutes before the door burst open and in strolled Nate.
“Honey, I’m home!” He called a little too cheerful for my mood, as he sauntered with a grin into the kitchen where I stood by the open fridge, trying to figure out what I wanted to eat.
Stooping his long and lean body down to give me a kiss on the forehead, he said, “It’s such a nice day, I think we should go out to dinner.”
“But it’s Take-Out Friday. And how is it such a nice day? It’s been looking like doom and gloom all day, nothing but grey clouds and rain.” I said, watching him shrug my words away. Deciding, I wasn’t in the mood for anything that would take more than four minutes to make I choose between Easy Mac and Ramen. Ramen won. “And why are you in such a good mood all of a sudden? I don’t think I’ve seen this much of your teeth in a while. Guess Tamela’s been remembering to take her meds.”
“Can we not talk about her?” He frowned.
“If it wasn’t her then…” I trailed with a shake of my head. “Nate, you ho!” I cried, hitting him. “You’ve been fuckin’ around.”
He smiled. Only a man gets called a ho and has the nerve to smile about it. “I haven’t been fuckin’ around. I’ve just been…exploring other options.”
“Mmmhmm. Sounds like a ho-ish thing to say.” I said, crossing my arms against my chest. “So how many were there?”
“We’re moving into None-a-ya Land.” He said, his grin still very much in place.
“Well, did you at least break it off with Tam first? I mean, I’m not saying that you being with other women is bad. But crazy bitch or not, don’t string the girl along. In fact, crazy bitches are the ones you sure as hell don’t want to string along.”
“Tamela and I…” He trailed off with a sigh. “We’re on a break.”
I resisted rolling my eyes at that. Those fools went on breaks like Oprah went on diets. “So you’ve still yet to tell me who’s put this new pep in yo’ step.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out. After all, you’re the one who said I needed to get some Joy in my life.”
That had felt so long ago. Back before I knew about that damn kiss, before I’d ever even suspected that I might be with child, back when…
I shook my head as if the physical effort could remove the mental and emotional strain. “So you took my advice, huh?”
“Yep, I sure did.” He nodded.
“And…?”
“And…” He flashed me that contagious grin of his. “We’re moving back into None-a-ya Land.”
“Okay,” I said, now smiling too. “So since you aren’t willing to give up any details, I’m going to need you to go pick up our orders, so I can call Joyce to get the scoop.”
Rolling his eyes, he said, “You already ordered?”
“Of course. As soon as I got back from my five o’ clock class.”
“So what are we getting?”
“Just a pizza. But I’m getting a craving, uh, I mean I’m having this mean taste for pickles and ice cream. Both of which we don’t have.”
“Pickles and ice cream? Why would you want that all together? That sounds disgusting. That’s something so nasty when put together that only a pregnant woman would ask for it.” He laughed, until I started choking on the ramen I’d been nibbling on. “Shit, are you pregnant?”
Only two people knew I was pregnant. And those two I had to make swear that they’d keep it to themselves until I was ready to play show and tell. My mother had agreed rather easily. Coral was the one giving me problems about it. It seemed like a day didn’t go by without her mentioning how I needed to tell Justin. And though my mother was right there with her on that, she’d never threatened to tell Justin I was pregnant if I didn’t. That was all dear sweet Mama Coral ass.
I’d managed to talk her down from that ledge though she never eased up on pressuring me to tell him myself. That’s why a week ago I just stopped answering when I saw her name on the caller ID. I knew what I needed to do just as much as she did. I just didn’t feel like being reminded and lectured about it every damn day”there had to be something else going on in the world to talk about other than my being pregnant. But to hear the way Coral talks, you’d never know it.
"Pregnant?” I echoed, trying to laugh it off, wanting my voice to come out strong and defiant but when the sound waves hit my ears the vibrations rang nothing short of paranoid worry with a hint of concealed panic. “I know I may be eating a little crazy lately, and have gained some weight but I didn’t think I’d blown up so big that I look pregnant."
He shook his head, not falling for a word of it. "Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s not just your eating habits…it’s everything. The mood swings. And you’ve been getting sick a lot." He said, as he began to put it all together as he stared at me. Felt like he was staring so hard he could see right through to the baby.
"Mood swings and being sick?” I scoffed, my hand hovering near my stomach as I tried to force my hands into my lap instead. I’m not sure when it had happened but holding my stomach had become an unconscious move now. “That’s just my period."
"Mmmhmm." His arms were folded now and he’d assumed a Dad-like disapproving frown. "Who’s the father?"
Part of my brain knew I should be insulted that he’d even asked that question, but the other part was too busy running in a panicked circle, trying to figure out how to deflect this conversation to pursue that line of thought.
"Of what? My period?"
My weak joke didn’t even so much as get a slight smirk out of him. His face was stone-cold serious when he said, "You’re pregnant. I know it. There’s no sense in trying to lie." He paused briefly before repeating, "Who’s the father?"
Tears were forming just behind my eyes now and I didn’t know how long I could hold the floodgate back. Damn hormones.
"C’mon Nate,” I said, trying to regain some strength and conviction in my voice as it began to quiver slightly. “Stop wasting time. I’m hungry…go pick up the food."
"You just got finished eating!” He said, staring at my empty ramen bowl. “How are you still so hungry? There’s only one reason…"
"I’m not pregnant!" I said defiantly, but even to my own ears that sounded weak. A few silent moments passed and neither of us made a move. "Please,” I pleaded, knowing my raging hormones had made me too emotional to continue this conversation much longer without my eyes becoming leaky faucets in the process. “Just go get the food."
Nathan still didn’t move; he was just standing there staring at me. And I knew exactly what he was doing, or at least what he was trying to do. But luckily for me he wasn’t Justin, so it wouldn’t work. Thankfully, there would be no reading of my mind tonight.
"Alright, I’ll go get the food.” He relented with a sigh. “But when I come back, we are going to talk about this. And you are going to tell me the truth."
I frowned, crossing my arms over my chest and assuming the classic Timberlake pout I said, "You can’t make me."
He laughed, before grabbing his jacket and car keys. He walked over to me and bent to kiss me briefly on the forehead. Standing upright again, he continued to smile down on me. "You’re too stubborn for your own good. But you’re lucky I like you so much."
I closed my eyes for a moment, imagining it was Justin’s lips on my forehead, Justin’s voice in my ears saying those words. Suddenly I was dying to be in Justin’s arms again. To feel him close to me again.
Nate’s smile fell a little as he brushed away tears that had escaped from the prison I had sentenced them to and had decided to make a run for it at that moment. "You don’t have to go through this alone, you know.” He said, softly. “You have people that care about you, who will help you…if you would only just let them. Have you told Justin yet?"
I frowned again and he smiled a little more. "What good would telling him do?" I quickly added, "There’s nothing to tell."
"K,” He sighed, his knowing smile growing. “It’s only a matter of time before someone figures out and tells him or he runs into you and figures out himself. And if he finds out that way…it’ll be ten million times harder than it would be if he found out now." I exercised my right to remain silent and Nate added, "I’m sure Justin would be a great father, but you just have to give him the chance."
Before he could say something else, I spoke up. "Nate, I’m hungry! Please, go get the food now."
He laughed, "Alright, alright…I’m going. But we’ll talk when I get back."
"Yeah, yeah," I muttered, rolling my eyes and pushing him out the door. "Just go, already!"
As soon as the door was opened and I was about to get rid of Nate, I was met with a face that at that moment I didn’t know if I wanted to see.
"K, we need to talk." Justin said, his blue eyes piercing my vulnerabilities. I knew he’d already given me the once-over at least twice.
I glanced at Nate, who was smiling that “Don’t you just hate it, when I’m right?” grin. Sighing, I really, really did hate it but I stepped aside anyway, giving Justin room to come in.
There could only be one reason he’d show up and want to have a talk.
Walking back into the apartment, I made my way to the phone. After dialing the number, I waited and listened as it rang before the answering machine picked up telling me Coral wasn’t home.
So I left a brief message that simply said, "I’m going to kill you" and hung up.
_______________________________________
This chapter featured: The Fray "Over My Head"
