Seemingly overnight I had been transformed into a mini celebrity in my own right. The Internet was to blame. Some of the same sites that had once condemned me for dating their precious Justin Timberlake now adored me and my relationship with him. Crazy, huh? Yeah, I don’t quite get it either. I hadn’t noticed at first, but soon there was so many new sites that it was nearly impossible to ignore.
I had fans. I mean, I didn’t do anything that I deserved to have fans for. But yet in still I had them. Girls now actually came up to me and instead of them calling me a bitch and saying how I was basically just a bad judgment call on Justin’s part for the moment, they’d giggle and squeal delightedly as they ask for an autograph.
Yeah, I know the first time that happened I was pretty shocked myself. Hell, every time it happens I’m bewildered. But I sign my name anyway; I figure if they are a crazy enough to ask for my John Hancock then I guess I’m crazy enough to give it to them. Besides how much of a bitch would I be if I said no? I mean it’s not like I’ve got so much going in my life that I couldn’t stop for the all of three seconds that it takes to scribble something down that half the time barely resembles English let alone my name.
But they always profusely thank me, like I’d given them some kind of precious gem. I bet I could seriously just draw circles on the paper and they’d still be just as happy. The things that make some people happy…go figure.
I was currently reading a fan fic that one of my fans wrote. I still can’t believe I actually have fans. I guess it’s like how Reality TV stars get fame and attention from doing nothing but being themselves and trying to win something on TV likewise I have fans from my association to the new King of Pop. (Hey, I’m not calling him the king of anything…that’s just what I read somewhere. I wouldn’t dare give his ego anymore volume than it already has.) So while I was reading away, Justin was sighing…for the thousandth time.
"Aren’t you going to get off the Internet soon?" he groaned.
"Yeah, but I have to finish this chapter first. You just cheated on me with Britney. And I gotta find out if I kill you."
"Oh really?" Justin asked, getting up from where he’d been previously lounging on the couch.
"Yeah, even the fictional you sucks."
Britney baggage? Yeah, I was over it. For the most part. Didn’t mean that every now and then I didn’t look over my shoulder and notice a tote bag trailing me that I didn’t even remember holding onto in the first place. Didn’t mean that whenever I stopped to inspect the bag that it didn’t have a bunch of memories why I should still be insecure over Britney and Justin’s relationship.
And yes, folks, they still did have one. Though it was packaged in ‘platonic feelings’ gift wrap now.
Please.
I knew what that was all about. I had already been there and done, and gotten the overpriced souvenir T-shirt. So excuse me if the ‘platonic feelings’ reasoning behind their relationship didn’t soothe my self-consciousness.
And I am secure enough in my insecurities “ imagine that “ to admit to the fact that Justin and Britney still talking to each other on a regular basis and also hanging out from time to time makes me…jealous.
There I said it! So it’s out there. It’s known. I’m jealous.
But what good does that do me?
None, of course. Miss Spears and Mr. Timberlake are friends, and that’s that. No amount of jealousy is going to change that. Or at least I’m not going to let it. Even though that means that a woman who often tops "hot" lists and "sexy" lists, who’s been rumored to have been linked to everyone from Prince William to Colin Farrell to Fred Durst will be "hanging out" with my boyfriend on the regular.
And on top of all that jealousy mountain, at the peak is the way that Justin watches Britney. Watches her sometimes, the way a guy does when he's interested. Sexually.
Yes, that my dear friends, amigos, and pals is just the cherry on top of my envy sundae. Just the tip of the iceberg. Just the...okay, I think you got it. And even if you didn't I don't have any more metaphors for you.
The point is - and surprisingly enough there is one - that none of that is very helpful with my insecurities.
And I suppose, despite my thinking otherwise, I haven’t done that great of a job in hiding my feelings about their relationship, which always became apparent when Justin felt the need to tell me over and over again how much he loved me, how special I was to him and blah, sickening blah, blah. All of which was followed up with a return to the excuse of how they are just friends.
Well you can guess how well his efforts to make me feel better went over. And that’s why I came up with my own way to deal with the two of them. I call it, my temporarily-release-the-inner-hoochie plan…clever name and idea, eh? Yeah, well despite that brilliant plan of wearing sexy outfits in the hopes of attracting male attention while in Justin’s presence, so that he can feel the heat of jealousy…he has yet to take the bait. Because despite what all those fan fics about him would lead you to believe, it’s not so easy to make Mr. JT jealous. He’s an Aquarius and for those of you who know anything about Aquarians, you know that jealousy and envy don’t come naturally to them, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Call it immature, call it stupid…call it K. But that’s what I do.
And now there’s good ol’ Sandra D, as if Justin needed one more blonde in his life.
Speaking of Sandy…
“So how’s the Sandy Pecan doing?” I said, turning around in the desk chair to face him, watching as he suddenly got fidgety.
“Who?” He said, as if he didn’t know who I was talking about.
“Sandra D.” I said, plainly.
“Oh, her. Right. Um,” He ran his fingers over his head where the curls normally would have been reigning supreme. “I dunno.”
“Why don’t you? She came all this way to visit you. Haven’t y’all been hanging out?”
“We-we-well, yeah.” He stammered. “Yeah, we have.” He said more confidently this time.
“Then?”
“She’s gone.”
Too caught up in the excitement of having one less blonde around to compete with, I didn’t even bother to mention that he still hadn’t answered my question. Besides, if I’m honest, I really don’t give a damn how she’s doing and now that I know that she’s not even over here anymore my interest in her is less than zero.
Wait, but if she wasn’t here, then where exactly was she? Mars would be nice. I heard it’s beautiful this time of the year.
“Where is she then?” I asked.
“I dunno, probably on her way back to Europe to do her modeling stuff.”
“Okay.” I said, satisfied with his answer and turning back to the computer to continue reading.
But I was soon interrupted when Justin randomly said, “What time is it?”
“I dunno. Do I look like a clock to you?” I said, smiling at him. “Why do you wanna know anyways?”
“You know I gotta go to this merger party tonight.”
“Yeah, and?”
“And you’re going too.”
“Since when?!”
“I told you months ago.”
“You know I don’t listen to you!”
He laughed, at my indignance. “Well you better get ready.”
“With what? I don’t have anything to wear.”
He smiled. “I figured you’d forget, so I got your dress all ready. It’s in the bedroom.”
“You picked something out for me?” I said, fearing what Grandma sideshow freak gown was awaiting me up the stairs. Not that Justin had bad taste because I’d seen him pick out beautiful clothes for girls…non-girlfriend girls mind you. As soon as the girl crossed the line into dating him, suddenly his taste when it came to what she should wear would be something even Bozo wouldn’t be caught dead in.
“Yeah…well…I asked my mom.”
I laughed, making a silent thank you to the big guy upstairs. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“Well how does it look?” I asked, spinning around in front of him.
He frowned. “Where’s the rest of it?”
“What do you mean ‘where's the rest of it’?” I said, his frown now being transferred onto my face as I turned to look at myself in the mirror.
“I asked my mom to pick out something nice for you.”
“It is nice.” I said, turning toward the mirror again, seeing the way the dress hugged my curves. I’ll admit it wasn’t exactly overflowing with material since the dress dipped low in the back and even lower in the front. Double-sided tape was definitely in order. “I think I saw Julia Roberts wearing something like this once.”
“Yeah, and the movie was called Pretty Woman.”
My original frown deepened. “I’m gonna guess you’re referring to the post-whore stage Julia in that.”
“Try again.”
“You know what…” Releasing a long frustrated breath, I said, “If I look like such a whore to you, why don’t you just go by yourself then.”
As I was walking away, the steady, angry sharp clicks of my heel on the floor were soon accompanied by Justin’s softer, more resigned footfalls. “Baby, I’m sorry. I…you…”
Pulling out and away from the grip he’d had on my wrist, I stood arms akimbo waiting for the groveling to begin. Otherwise there was no way this whore was going anywhere but to bed. And it would be a long ass time before it was with him again.
“You’re beautiful, Keisha. It’s just the dress…there’s a lot…of skin showing. More skin than clothes almost. And I don’t want other men ogling you like…”
“Like what? Like you did when you first saw me in this?”
He smirked at that. “Well…yeah. They don’t need to know how incredibly sexy, beautiful and all around foine my woman is.”
Giggling, I said, “Stop it, you’re gonna make me blush.”
When he gave me the confused dog look, I hit him. “Shut up, black people can blush too.”
He laughed. “Just for future argument’s sake…I never said anything to imply otherwise.”
“Whatever. So am I going to this thing with your dumbass or what?”
Not letting my own special word of endearment for him faze him, he replied, “I dunno, are you?”
“Are you going to be all possessive-like the whole night?”
“Are you going to be wearing that dress?”
“Yes.”
“Same answer then.”
I sighed. “Fine, I’ll go. But on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You remember before you start working my nerves too much tonight…when you’re good to mama,” I said, shimmying in his direction. “Mama’s good to you!” I sang, shimmying out the door.
Grabbing both of our jackets, Justin bit his lip admiring the view I’d created for him before following after me. “Damn, it’s good to be a Mama’s Boy.”
Industry parties, that’s what Sandy lived for. Or at least she tried to put forth that kind of energy to counter the increasing boredom and itch to find the nearest exit so she could leave with haste. But this one was special, not that you could notice it at first, seeing as how all the regular kissing of ass was going on “ even ass that you might not be sure that you had to kiss, you just kissed it in case that ass turns out to be something helpful for you later down the road.
Connections, contacts that was the name of the game. Rolling her eyes at the girl next to her, who was busy not so subtilely letting the guy she was talking to know that ass would be on the menu for him that night if it could guarantee her the centerfold for Sport’s Illustrated’s swimsuit issue. Sandy almost felt bad for the girl (who was obviously was a new player in this game) as she slipped off to find herself another drink or some more of those little tasty treats that was being served, knowing the girl she was leaving behind was completely wasting her time on this guy, who was nothing more than an intern who could do nothing more than get her, her choice of cappuccino latte. Oh well. If that girl was into selling herself out like that, then Sandy felt she deserved to learn the hard way.
But what made this party different was that it wasn’t solely models and those involved in the modeling world, this time the music industry had joined in, changing the vibe slightly. She had to admit it was a bit more lively that usual. But she was too busy worrying over whether she’d run into Justin while there to fully enjoy the difference this merger party made.
Sipping on her third glass of ‘pagne as she liked to call it, she wondered if she was tipsy when she could have sworn she just saw Justin on the other side of the room, with this pretty black woman who was looking hoochie-rific. Well she at least looked pretty from behind, Sandy couldn’t really see much more of her and frankly she didn’t want to. That would just make forgetting her existence all the more harder later on.
But from what little she could see, she could tell that the woman’s dress was revealing, not leaving much to the imagination, but Sandy could tell the woman was used to a more conservative style, judging based on the way she kept slyly trying to adjust herself, glancing down occasionally to make sure she wasn’t pulling a Tara Reid, letting one or both of the twins escape. Sandy had to laugh a little at that, remembering how uncomfortable she’d been at first with having to wear dresses like that, but now she was what she’d jokingly like to call a professional hoochie and could walk around confidently in the same dresses that once had made her constantly self-conscious wondering what every glance her way meant.
Why’d she have to be so damn pretty? Sandy thought annoyedly, watching the backs of Justin and Keisha as Justin guided K through the crowd, his hand staking its protective claim on the small of her bared back. Sandy was still wavering between spending the rest of the night hiding from Justin or just going over to him right away with her lips wrapped in a smile, pretending like nothing had change…as she had originally planned if she ran into him.
But before she could make up her mind, she made the mistake of glancing over at him one more time. This time her eyes made contact with his as she watched all the happiness drain from his face as he stared blankly at her. Knowing it was only a matter of time before the woman with Justin’s favorite letter as a name would notice that whatever clever remark she’d made that caused him to smile and laugh the way he had was long gone from his features, Sandy quickly swiped at the rebellious moisture that slid down her face, before making sure to lose herself within the large crowd.
“What are you looking at?” I asked, straining to see what he saw that caused him to stare with as much focus as he had been.
“What?” He said, blinking as he looked down at me. “Did you say something, baby?” He murmured, tucking a strand of hair back behind my ear.
Rolling my eyes, I said, “I’m going to the bathroom.”
I was so tired of being there and nothing sounded better to me than leaving. Tired of talking to people who I knew didn’t have any real interest in me and if they did it was just for the physical kinds, telling me stupid shit like how they can tell I could be a good actress all the while they were talking like there was a mic set in my cleavage.
“Cleavage doesn’t a good actress make.” Was the last thing I said to the man who had insisted that I could be a star, before excusing myself and heading to the bathroom, making a mental note to never let Justin drag me to one of these things again. I was also tired of pretending that I was interested in these people.
I don’t know how many times I’d made a trip into this bathroom to avoid feigning interest, while fighting off a yawn. Retreating into the bathroom and past a blonde who’d already planted herself in front of a mirror, I set my purse down on the side of the sink, releasing a long sigh wondering what I could come up with to do, to stay in the bathroom long enough for the party to be over by the time I came back.
I faintly heard the sobbing of the girl next to me, which caused me to briefly glance over at her. Yeah, she was definitely one of the models. Just wouldn’t be fair if God made someone as pretty as her have talent for something more than just being pretty and being able to strut down a runway. Humph, even with her face all scrunched up as sadness trailed down her cheek, she couldn’t even drop the model facade long enough to look ugly like other any normal person did when they cried their eyes out.
Damn, what could be so wrong in her life that got her bawling and carrying on the way she was in a public restroom? Sighing, I glanced over at her again; the tears were still just a-flowing down her face. I don’t normally get in other people’s business but this girl, there just something about her that told me that I should talk to her and find out what’s wrong.
A hesitant and very stupid “Are you okay?” fell awkwardly from my lips. Of course she isn’t okay. What “okay” person spends his or her time crying in a restroom?
Laughing sadly, the girl sniffled and tried to smile but when her lips wouldn’t move up, she gave up and said, “I-I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. It’s just been a rough day.”
I could tell this girl really wanted to talk about it, but she was just trying her damnest to appear strong. And failing miserably. “You wanna talk about it? Sometimes that helps.”
She looked at me for a moment, before wiping away another silent tear that hadn’t managed to ruin the beauty of her face. “Nah, really, I’m fine. I just…I guess I’m a little more emotional than normal.”
I nodded, not wanting to push this girl that I didn’t even know for information that she obviously wasn’t willing to give up. “Okay.” I said, walking away.
“I-I-I’m so stupid sometimes, ya know. I mean, I thought if I came here…” She sighed, with a bitter smile on her face as she wiped another tear away. “I dunno, I just thought…I hoped, he’d…”
“He’d what?” I said, coming back over to where the girl was standing.
“I thought he loved me. That’s why I came.” She said, fighting back tears again. “But when I got here, I find that not only is he with someone…but it’s apparently the same girl that he’d been blabbing about for years. I thought they were just friends.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, I mean I’m sure this girl is nice and all. I mean, I don’t know her…we’ve never met. But I can tell he loves her. I mean, I knew he loved her before…when he first told me had a girlfriend. But I didn’t know he was in love with her.” She sighed then. “You should see the way he looks when he talks about her and if I hear her name one more time, I swear I’ll scream.” She laughed, lightly as she dabbed at her eyes with the tissue that I had produced for her from my purse. “Thanks.” She sighed. “I don’t even know why I came, seriously. I should have known this would happen. How stupid can you be to go after someone you haven’t seen or talked to in years?! I just---I mean, I’m engaged to this other guy.”
“You’re engaged?”
“Yeah,” She laughed, sadly. “But I don’t love him. Okay, that’s a lie. I love him, but I don’t love him the way you should the person you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with. I mean, when he proposed, the first person I thought of was…” She trailed off.
“Was who?”
The girl hesitated, looking at me fully for the first time. I could tell she contemplating whether or not to she should be giving out the real names to a complete stranger. There was also something in the way she was watching me now that let me know I looked familiar to her in some way, but she hadn’t placed a name to the face yet. Which then caused me to try to figure out where I could know her from, but before I could get too far in my thinking she spoke up again.
“Jordan,” She said, making up a name. “He’s the reason I’m even here now.”
“So you love Jordan?”
“Yeah, I guess I always have.” She laughed, this time actually sounding remotely happy. “There’s just something about him. I mean, not in the superficial There’s Something About Mary way. Cause to this day, I don’t know what they saw in Mary. But there’s something real about him. I mean, I’ve known him practically my entire life. He’s my best friend. Or at least he used to be. But I dunno…when I’m with him…” She sighed, softly. “It’s just…perfect. You know what I mean? We argue, we fight…like brother and sister sometime. But still…” She shrugged, her eyes slightly downcast. “I thought there was something there. Guess he didn’t.”
There was a pause in which I didn’t know how to fill it up, so I stayed silent hoping the girl would speak again.
Shrugging, she added, “But life goes on.”
“So you’re giving up?”
“What can I do but give up? I mean, I came all the way over here. I told him how I felt. I kissed him!” She said as if the thought had just struck her. “I kissed him and I’d thought that would be it. You know? We’d kiss and he’d look at me and know. Know like I know that we were supposed to be together. All those times we’d flirted with each other in the past…was just leading up to that moment…but…”
“But what?” I asked, leaning in, getting into this as my nosiness again got the best of me.
“But there was nothing.”
Standing straight again, I said, “Nothing?”
“I mean, sure I was launched like a rocket to the sky from it, but he didn’t even seem to be moved a centimeter by it. And that’s when I knew that I should have never done it.”
“What did he say?”
“That’s the worst part, after we kissed, and he didn’t pull away…which made me think that he was feeling something. But anyways, after the kiss, we just kinda stood there in this awkward silence. And when he did say something it was ‘Are you sure you don’t want a drink?’ And when I shook my head no, cause I knew I couldn’t talk and hold back tears at the time he just nodded and said ‘Okay, well I think I need another one.’” She said getting emotional again, just thinking about it.
“Sounds like something stupid my boyfriend might do.” I said. “So what happened after that?”
“Nothing. He went to get another drink and I left.”
“You just left?”
“Yeah. I didn’t want him to come back and have to struggle to find the words to let my stupid ass down easy. So I just made it easier on the both of us and left.”
“But you don’t know that he wouldn’t have said something good. Who knows.” I shrugged. “I mean, he didn’t pull away. That must mean something.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought at first too. But I dunno now.”
“Well don’t be so quick to give up. If you really love him, you shouldn’t run away from it. Cause in the end, you’ll find out that you’ll never be able to run far enough away from your feelings…believe me I know.” She laughed. “And then who knows you might wait too long and when you do finally decide to come back and try to see if he was feeling what you were…it might really be too late by then.”
She nodded. “You might be right.”
“Well, good luck with that. I should be going.”
Laughing embarrassedly, she probably realized how much she’d just shared with a complete stranger. “Thanks for listening. I don’t usually tell all my business to complete strangers, guess I really needed to talk to someone about that.”
Smiling warmly back at her, I said, “No problem, I could tell you needed it. Hey, here’s my number if you find yourself in need of someone to talk to again.” I said, scribbling my number down on another piece of tissue. Surprising myself at how much friendliness I was feeling towards this stranger. I didn’t even know why I was giving the girl my number, besides the reason I’d already said aloud. Maybe it was because a small part of me could see myself in this girl and knew how much it helped me to know that I had someone to talk to, even if I never did call on them to talk, sometimes just knowing that someone was there for you if you needed it was enough.
No sooner did I step out of that bathroom did Justin pull me over to the side wanting to know where I’ve been and why I’d been there so long.
Frowning, I said, “What’s with the third degree?”
“I was just wondering where you were.” He said, looking around.
Glancing around myself, but finding nothing, I said, “Well I was in the bathroom, is that a problem for you?”
“You just took a long time that’s all.” He said, his eyes still scanning the room before landing back on mine.
“What are you so worried about?” I asked before it hit me. “Oh, you were worried that I might have had some hot lesbian sex while I was in there.”
He laughed, relaxing a little. “Oh yeah that was it.”
“Well have no fear, you’re little heterosexual woman is here.”
“And you say I’m corny.” He said, still grinning at me as he rolled his eyes.
“Only because you are.” I said, before noticing that I’d lost his attention as his eyes focused in on something. Turning around all I saw was the swinging door of the bathroom. What the hell was he looking at? Before I could get the chance to ask him that, I was distracted by the song that came on.
“Ooh that’s my jam! Hey, you wanna dance?” I said, ready to shake my ass.
“What?” He said, his gaze finally shifting back to me.
“Dang, J you’ve been spacing out a lot tonight.” I said, focusing on my song to keep my smile from falling.
“I know…” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay just don’t let it happen again. Now let’s dance before my song goes off.” I said, impatiently leading Justin over to the dance floor. But I could tell that even though he was smiling and dancing with me, his mind was a thousand miles away. And I still couldn’t bring myself to ask.
