I watch you. I want you. I dream of you. I can’t have you. She has you. She has always had you. You don’t know me. I don’t know me. I watch you laugh with her, I watch you cry because of her. I hate when you cry because of her. She doesn’t love you. I love you.

Rain thudded down on the rooftop of Justin’s car. He slowly ran a hand over the words that were jotted down in the brown leather journal. He found it in a box of his stuff, a box from an old tour. Tears slowly ran down his cheeks as he stared at the familiarity of the handwriting. It reminded him of how young, naïve he once was. How harsh he was about things he didn’t even know about. The words just seemed to come out, with out him thinking about them. Fag. Faggot. Queer. Flamer. Fudge Packer. Gay. They were just words he used everyday, back then. He would call most things gay when he thought they were stupid or dumb. But now, now he knew what pain he was causing his own best friend.

“Earth to Justin!” Chris yelled standing in front of a zoning out Justin on the tour bus. “Retard!” Chris snapped his fingers in Justin’s face.

Justin blinked a few times and glared up at Chris. “What the fuck do you want?” Justin snapped standing up and pushing him out of the way.

“Well mister prick, I was going to ask if you were coming to the meeting. Wade is going to be there?” Chris asked as JC and Lance came running towards the front of the bus with Joey following close behind yelling about something.

“I’m not coming close to that fucking faggot. If I were to come, I’d probably shoot the fudge packer in the face.” Justin glared as he continued to the back.

Justin took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Harsh, he was harsh. He didn’t know, but that didn’t mean he had to say such things. Tears fell even harder as he flipped a page of the journal. He couldn’t believe he didn’t notice. The things written were all about him, and the way his best friend felt. His own best friend had kept such a secret from him.

You came into my room and cried your self to sleep on my hotel bed. I watched you sleep for hours, you are such a beautiful person when you sleep. I just wanted to crawl next to you and hold you tight in my strong arms, tell you everything would be just fine. But I couldn’t, I didn’t. You’d hate me if I tried that. I’m your best friend; I’m here for you to cry to when you get your heart broken. I can’t be the one to break your heart. I just wish I could tell you how much I love you.

Justin looked up at the house he was parked across the street from. He had been parked there for a few hours. He found the journal and decided to bring it over after he was done going through boxes. He was cleaning out his house, getting it ready to be put up for sale. He wasn’t going to read it; he had gotten half way to JC’s house when he pulled to a stop and the journal fell to the floor of his car opening up. A few loose pages fell out and he grabbed them up and read them. Notes from him to JC. He stopped at a Burger King and got food, parking as he read parts of the journal.

JC wasn’t even home. So Justin pulled across the street and parked the car reading more of the journal.

I had a dream about you last night. A wet dream. We were out at a club drinking and having fun. You had released your album and it was number one on the charts for eight weeks. After a while at the club dancing together we headed back to my place in Los Angeles where you told me you wanted to fuck me. We did. It was great. I wish the dream was reality but it isn’t, and it won’t be. I want to so badly tell you, tell you I’m gay. But I can’t. I won’t say it. If I say it to you then it’s true. Then I’m a fag. You’ll hate me. You won’t want to be my best friend any longer. I came close to telling you before. When we were alone in the dressing room a few months ago. I was so close to telling you I was gay when you said the only thing bad about touring was the faggots that blew their wads when watching you perform. I knew then that I wasn’t going to ever tell you.

Justin closed his eyes tightly and sighed softly. His heart hurt even more reading the journal. After he released his album hanging with the guys wasn’t something he did a lot of. He had changed, they noticed he was different but didn’t know how different. Justin flipped a few more pages and stopped his breath catching in his throat.

I’m beginning to hate my life. I hate the way I am. I wish on everything in my body to be straight. Being gay isn’t want I want. I hate it. For every impure thought I have of you I cut myself. You should see the cuts, they are so beautiful. But… but they remind me of how much you hate the way I am. Maybe one day I’ll cut to deep and bleed to death. It’s better than living a life full of useless wants, and dreams. You saw my cuts once. I lied to you about them. You seemed to believe me. I’m such a useless human being.

Justin kicked his foot and let out an angry scream. Tears ran down his face with more of a rush then before. His head hurt, his heart ached.

“What the hell is that?” Justin asked grabbing JC’s arm pulling up the sleeve to his shirt. The mark was fresh.

“I was shaving and I dropped the razor. Nothing to bad Justin.” JC laughed pulling his sleeve down his arm, biting his lower lip.

“That looks pretty bad. Did you clean it?” Justin asked not fully believing him.

JC turned around and took a deep breath. Wanting to tell him. But couldn’t. “Yes, I cleaned it my self. Trust me Justin, it’s nothing.” JC closed his eyes tightly as he walked into the bathroom locking the door.

Justin rubbed his eyes and looked across the street. The lights were on in JC’s house.

I love you. I can say it with out telling you. I told Chris how I felt. He told me to come out to you. The others know, I asked them… I begged them not to say anything to you. They promised me they wouldn’t say a word, not even if you asked. I want you to know I love you. I want you to love me. But it won’t happen. You don’t know me. I don’t know me. I don’t know you.

Justin closed the journal. That was the last thing written in there. Sighing Justin pulled his hood on, and opened the car door, stuffing the journal in the inside pocket of your coat. He ran across the street and up the driveway. His heart hurting still from the stuff he read. He slowly raised his hand and knocked on the door a few times.

The door opened slowly to Justin’s surprise it wasn’t JC. “Hey Justin.” Chris said letting a wet Justin in the rest of the way.

“Hey dude, what is going on? Is JC here?” Justin asked pulling his hood off and looking around. The rest of the guys were there, why wouldn’t JC be there.

“We are just watching Britney’s concert. We promised her we’d watch it when it came on.” Chris laughed as he walked into the front way from the hall. Justin following behind him. “And JC is up stairs.” He added leaving Justin.

Justin took a deep breath and walked up the stair stopping slowly in front of the game room, where loud noises could be heard. Justin walked into the room; JC was playing video games with his brother Tyler and niece.

“Uncle Justin!” Amanda, JC’s niece smiled putting her X-box controller down and running to give him a tight hug.

“Hey Manda.” Justin smiled hugging her back looking at JC.

JC paused the game and stood up. “Hey Justin.” JC half smiled walking towards him. “What took you so long to come in. You’ve been sitting in your car for a couple of hours.” JC added as Justin grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the room.

“Can I talk to you a lone?” Justin asked chewing on his upper lip. Following JC to his bedroom.

“Is something wrong? Did you and Cameron break up?” JC asked sitting down on the small couch in front of his fireplace.

Justin sighed as he sat down next to JC and slowly pulled out the journal. “I found this in some of my things.” He breathed closing his eyes and hanging JC the journal.

Justin could hear JC’s breath catch and get harder. “Did… Did you read it?” JC asked quickly his hands shaking. “I lost it, they must have thought it was yours when they were cleaning out the bus.” He added.

“I read it.” Justin looked at JC blue eyes staring at blue eyes. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how dumb I was then.” He added

JC stood up and paced the room a little. “Don’t be sorry Justin. I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have… I mean… You didn’t know… I didn’t let you know me.” JC stuttered out chewing on his bottom lip.

“You don’t know me either Joshua.” Justin said standing up. Walking closer to JC. “I’ve had dreams too.” He added causing JC to look up at him.

“Wha…” JC started a little confused.

Justin walked closer to him, “I was confused, and afraid, frightened, scared. You name it I was. And when you are all of those things, you tend to lash out on the stuff you are afraid of. I was going through so much stuff then, most of it I bashed. I didn’t know. I wish I had known then, what I know now.” Justin sighed

“What do you know now, that you didn’t know then?” JC asked walking over to his bed and sitting down, looking at Justin’s back.

Justin slowly turned around. “I like guys. Cameron is a cover story, Jive pays he a lot of money to be seen with me. I told my mom a couple years ago. She told me that it was a phase, which I’d get through. But I never did.” Justin said walking towards JC. “I have feelings for you, I’ve always had them. I hated having them, I was afraid to tell you. I didn’t know what you’d think.” Justin added looking at a half-smiling JC.

To Justin, may this let you know what my life was like being around you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. May your life be a wonderful one with the one you love. I’ll always be your friend. Even though you don’t know me.