“The truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.”
That’s how I felt about her. She could walk on me, defy me, disrespect me, and I would still care about her. She was something unique, something special. When she was around there was suddenly more air in the room. There was a freshness about her, something surreal. When I wasn’t around her I felt heavy, like there was no oxygen to be had. I felt like I was constantly gasping, trying catch my breath. Then like magic, with just one glance in my direction, I was full. Like a baby taking it’s first breath.
Sometimes it felt like she did things just to hurt me. It’s like she almost wanted to get rid of me. I somehow was a burden in her life, something that held her back. Of course she wanted to take over the world, be the biggest thing since Madonna, what person in her place wouldn’t want that. She was a puppet, a product, a name, but the girl did what she wanted, when she wanted. It was the same way in our relationship. She had all the power. I was like a lost puppy that followed her around, begging for one look, one word of praise. Constantly waiting for some type of reassurance that I was enough. That I was what she needed…what she wanted.
I wanted her to realize how happy she made me. She needed to know that no matter how much she screamed at me, no matter what heartless words she threw my way I was staying. I wasn’t going to let my one sliver off sanity and love out of my life. You are probably wondering how I could love her. How I could possibly love someone that at times detested my existence. A person that told me time after time that I would never be strong enough, I would never be good enough. One time she told me that I was never conceived in love…that one stung pretty bad. I was a bastard, a piece of scum in her eyes.
Yet I stayed. I endured it. My life wasn’t perfect, yet I struggled with all my might to make it seem that way. I was used to faking it. Britney and I could be in a knock down, drag out fight, and then ten minutes later be smiling in front of the cameras. It was life, and at times it sucked.
The thing about all this is that I knew her. Deep down, I knew her. She could deny it and try to prove me wrong at every turn, but I understood her. I got her. She threw those bitter, angry words at me, but I knew she didn’t mean it. She was only living what she learned. It was like bitterness was in her from the moment she was born. Resentment, and hostility were second nature to her. When she felt threatened it was her only defense. I scared her. I was something real in her life, and she didn’t know how to cope with that. I was showing her things other than anger, hate, and cruelty. Every night in her show she would sing about love. She would sing as if she knew it, like she really understood what it meant. I loved her, a part of me still does, but me loving her and her actually living it were two different things. She couldn’t comprehend or understand that there was someone on this earth that would love her unconditionally, that would be there for her, support her, and cherish her. Her dad didn’t do that for her mom, therefore there was no man that could be that for her.
I tried for years to be that man. A man that would go through anything and everything to prove that I loved her, that she was it for me. I never faltered, not once. I took it all, I clung to any sign that she might break. I hung on through the fights. I stayed through the slaps across the face, and the spiteful comments. She even went as far as to accuse me of being unfaithful.
Everyone that knows me, any person that has come in contact with me, knows that is one thing I don’t tolerate. I won’t even entertain the idea of straying in my mind. It’s not an option. Never has been, and it never will be. My mistake in the relationship was letting her know that.
I’ll never forget the moment where she stared me straight in the eyes, with a look of triumph on her face told me had been with someone else. That he made her feel like she had never felt before. He had taken her places I couldn’t even imagine. For a moment I thought this was one of her ploys. I prayed it was a joke, another one of her lies. But I knew that it wasn’t. She didn’t flounder. There were no long pauses. Every other time there would be a moment when she would search for the next thing to say to try and wound me. This time she succeeded. I crumbled. For the first time in three years I was broken. She made certain that I got the point this time. She was waiting for me to fail her, to prove her theories right and I never did, so she took matters into her own hands. If I wouldn’t leave the relationship willingly, she was going to drive me away on her terms.
The next couple months were complete turmoil for me. I stayed…I had to. I somehow had to show her that she could have faith in people. That no matter how many times you screwed them over, the good people, the ones who really cared would stick by you. It wasn’t until I looked at myself one day that I realized what I had given up. I had become a sacrificial lamb for her. I put myself out there to be bruised, tortured, and slain. It was sick, sadistic behavior on both our parts. We were both screwed up. I let her walk all over me, and I played the part of the victim. At times I condemned her for being so dysfunctional. But the truth is I was just a screwed up as she was, just in a different way. I liked the abuse, and she loved to hand it out.
I look back on all the times when I tried to project the perfect image. I wanted to present the illusion of a perfect relationship for the world to envy and to strive for. I liked presenting the idea of the golden relationship, because I felt things could really be that way. But in reality every relationship has it’s faults, and there is no such thing as perfect.
Number of reviews: 1
Print:
