His frail, limp body hunched over the surface of the round table in the middle of the luxurious hotel room, but he felt no luxury, only the cold, stiff air around him, engulfing him with the feelings of guilt, hopelessness and grief that had adopted themselves into his heart.

The only sound heard above his own pounding heartbeat within his ears was the sound of the shower running in the bathroom beside him.  He stretched out his arms on the table and lay his head down between then, closing his eyes as tears laced them in silence.

He remembered the day he had met “his twins” so well, it was like it had just happened.  It was hard to believe that it was already a year ago, today.  Their one-year anniversary.

He had gone on the internet one night after a show, too hyped up to sleep and too tired to go out with the rest of the guys.  He ventured into a fan chat room under an unrecognizable screen name.  One of his favorite things to do on his “off time”.  He watched the conversations with curiosity, waiting to reply to the topic of which member was “hotter” than the other’s.  Justin got his vote, but then again, he got everyone’s vote.

A screen name caught his eye, along with the comments it added to the lot.  He laughed in interest at the remarks and suddenly found himself drawn into a conversation with the owners of the screen name.  After a few minutes he messaged them privately with a bewildering need to understand and know them.

The owners of the screen name, a set of twins, had seemed so different from the other fans in the chat room.  He didn’t think that they seemed to care who was cuter, or really even care that the members of the group were not “normal” people.  It seemed that they had simply fallen in love with the music and the music had changed their lives.  They had instantly proven him right in the assumption he made about them and he couldn’t have been happier.

Using his first initial as his name and not giving out any personal information he plunged into a relationship with them.  He would go online every chance he got; an hour before a meet and greet, two hours after a show, a few minutes between interviews or in the middle of the night on the bus.  Tour life made it hard to start a friendship, especially online, but he was determined to know these two girls who had changed his opinion of all the fans he had known.

They didn’t seem to care that he never gave them personal information or that his screen name was somewhat familiar to his “real” identity in the world.  All they cared about was WHO he was and that was something he hadn’t had in a long time, from anybody.  They seemed content in the fact that he wanted to talk to them and in return they shared themselves with him.

Their conversations were superficial, talking about songs, actors, writing stories or just making fun of each other.  They had an understanding; nothing personal was said or asked of the other.

But his curiosity got the better of him and he started getting in deep.  He would ask them questions about themselves, never volunteering the answers himself.  They answered in earnest, hoping that their confessions would one day lead to his own.  Pretty soon he had come to know and love the two girls as his own sisters, with what little time he spent talking with them online and from their weekly emails, portraying their lives to him in letterform.

When a long day wore him out and just about everyone around him aggravated him to no avail he would hop online and an email from them would be sitting in his inbox and their words lightened his day, allowing him to laugh or cry, depending upon what words were said.

They couldn’t know just how well he related to them.  No matter how “normal” and “boring” their lives were, the feelings were still there, they were so apparent.  Their concern and love for him was obvious and it touched his heart.  How could they love someone they didn’t even know?  They had brought a sense of normalcy to his life that he didn’t even know he needed.

The man stretched his back out in the chair and groaned; rubbing his stinging eyes and stood up, walking towards the small mirror above the hotel room dresser.  He stared at himself in the mirror, not quite recognizing the man staring back at him.

His hair stuck out in every direction.  He gently ran his fingers through it, cringing at how oily it had become from not being washed in days.  The red highlights were slowly fading and his natural brown was growing back in.

His eyes were red and swollen and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days, when the opposite was true.  That was about the ONLY thing he had been doing aside from crying. His usual chin stubble had grown longer than he had wanted, but he hadn’t the energy to shave it off.

He looked despondently into the mirror and groaned sadly, turning towards the bed he had spent the last few days in and sprawled out across it, burying his face in the pillows as the sound of running water from the bathroom was replaced by the sound of a hair dryer.

His mind drifted back to a day, six months prior.

It had been a long day full of interviews, rehearsed answers and screaming fans.  All he wanted to do was get away from it all, be normal, if only for a few hours.

He turned on the laptop and lay down on his stomach, getting comfortable on his hotel room bed as his computer booted up.  He signed online and clicked on his email icon.  As usual there was an email from the twins sitting in his inbox, waiting for him.  He opened it and read it slowly.

We won’t be able to get online for a week, we are so sorry.  But, if you gotta talk about anything or just want to hear a lame voicemail message, feel free to call us.  ANYTIME, whether we are online or not.  Call DAY OR NIGHT!

He stared at the letter, reading the phone number over and over again, burning it into his memory.  He wasn’t ready for that, not yet, but he stored the phone number for when he would be.

Two days later he was ready.  He was at his wits end with everything.  He was getting sick and had no time to rest, so he filled himself with cough syrup.  Their sound check was terrible and off-key.  He hadn’t felt normal in days and all he wanted to do was vent and to have someone actually listen to him in return.

His hands shook nervously as he picked up the receiver and placed it on his ear.  He trembled, dialing the first three numbers.  His heart raced.  He shook his head and threw the phone back down onto the receiver.  He couldn’t do it.  This one call changed EVERYTHING.  He would reveal himself, they would freak out and that would be the end of the relationship.  No.  He thought to himself.  They had to be different.  They had to be.  He picked up the phone once more, droplets of sweat beading on his forehead and his hands quivering as he dialed the last two numbers.  He stopped breathing as it rang once, twice and a third time before one and then another cheerful voice answered the phone.

That was it.  He had taken that next step.

His voice shook as he told them his internet identity and half expected them to scream or say nothing, recognizing his unmistakable voice.  They did neither.  Instead, they said their hellos and thanked him for calling, since they had hoped he would put enough trust in them to WANT to call and talk to them.  They had told him how badly they had wanted to hear his voice and how glad they were that he felt he could call anytime, day or night, just like they had promised he could.  His first question caught even himself off-guard, but he had to ask it anyway, he had to know; “Now that you know WHO I am, do you care?  Does this change anything?’  Their only answer was; ‘No, should it?’  His heart reveled.  For once in the long 6 years of being known as *NSYNC he could just be known as the normal person he longed to be.  All his fear was replaced with an overwhelming sense of comfort as he proceeded to confide in them his worries and frustrations of the past week they had not been online to talk to, never telling them just how important it truly was to hear their voices and reassuring words.

One phone call lead to another and he soon found himself wanting to meet the two girls who had come to be two of the most important people in his life.  He called them, almost weekly, whenever he had a few minutes off, telling them about the tour and his worries and troubles, never wanting to hang up.  He longed to see them in person, to introduce his friends to the two people who had very quickly changed his life.

That was how he got the idea.  The idea came so quickly that the thought scared him.  Was he really ready to meet them?  Was he ready to fly them both out to an unknown state, pay for their hotel room and have them stay a couple of days with him?  Was he ready to “mix his worlds” so to speak?

He pondered over it for nearly a week, asking the people around him for advice in the most nonchalant way he knew how.

 JC ended up giving him the answer that he knew was right all along.

“You haven’t been very happy lately, but since you’ve been talking with these girls, it’s like we got the old you back.  I think WE all and especially you, deserve to meet them.  You deserve the chance to meet your ‘somewhere someday’.”

JC’s words went straight to his heart.  He knew it all along; he just needed to hear it from someone else’s mouth.  He needed to know he had his friend’s support.

JC was right.  The twins had indeed become his ‘somewhere someday’.  They were a place where his heart and spirit could go free.  They brought him peace and hope.  They were his one constant love, one that he didn’t even realize he knew.

His mind was made up and there was nothing that was going to stop him now.  He had casually brought it up in a conversation a month before, asking them if they would like to fly to Boston to catch one of the last stops on the tour.

They were surprised, as was to be expected, but they agreed happily, realizing at the last minute that he had no idea what they looked like.  They emailed him a picture of themselves the next day.

He opened the attached picture and his breath caught in his throat.  Tears stung his eyes and a grin tugged his lips as he carefully examined it, taking in every one of their features to hold in his memory forever.

He smiled at the picture, still in disbelief.  These were “his twins”, his lifelines.  Up until this point, it all seemed like a game to him.  It wasn’t that he took the whole thing as a joke, but that it was just a drive down a scenic road instead of taking the glitzy highway.  But now, with their picture right in front of his face, it was as if nothing seemed more real to him at that moment.

He printed the picture out and placed it into his wallet, ready to take on the world.

The next week he was so busy he barely had time to get online, let alone purchase airline tickets for them.  He logged on late one night after a concert and after party, hoping to find an email from the twins in his inbox.  Instead, he was surprised to find them online.  He messaged them right away, shocked that they had not messaged him first.

His shock grew as they begged him to call them.  He wasted no time in fulfilling their request, his chest growing tight and his heart beating faster in worry.

They had lost their friend due to illness and as a result could not sleep and needed dreadfully to talk to someone.

HE was the one that they needed to talk to.  They had ventured online, hoping and praying that he would be on.

In all the months of his knowing them they had never once asked that he lend them a shoulder to cry on or reach out to him with their problems and now they finally were.  They came to HIM in their time of need and his heart soared.

He had been wanted and needed for so many things the past five years, but never before had he been needed so desperately, just to be a good listener, a good friend and a comforter.

He was convinced, more then ever that he had to not only meet them, but comfort them in person and get them away from their harsh reality, if only for a few days. He promised to order their tickets the next day and true to his word he did, even missing an interview to schedule their flight, book their hotel rooms and beg for a day off when they were to arrive in two weeks.

The man groaned, rolling himself over so that he faced the ceiling of the lonely room, shielding his eyes from the light by covering them with his cold, tired arm. A few escaped tears ran down his face, tracing his cheeks and falling onto the pillow beneath him.

The two weeks before they came seemed to take forever, partially due to his overwhelming anticipation and partially due to his slow schedule, only having five shows in the two weeks and a few interviews.

The closer it got to the day they would be flying in the more hyper, worried and excited he became.  The constant ups and downs in his attitude did not go unnoticed by his friends.  They would ask, at least once a day, when his “sisters”, as they had affectionately come to call them, would be arriving.  They would repeatedly have to take over for him on interviews and beg him to calm down before rehearsals or photo shoots, but they harbored no negative feelings towards him, and all their efforts were made earnestly and with happiness for their friend, supporting one of the biggest decisions he had made.

Finally the morning of the twins’ flight arrived and he took his time getting out of bed and preparing for the day, so as to calm his nerves before their arrival later that afternoon.  He longed to pick them up at the airport himself, but due to his “fame” he wasn’t allowed.  Instead, a bodyguard was instructed to meet them there.  He had to admit he was a bit upset over it since instead of his inviting and welcoming smile and hug they would be met with a cold, uncaring sign and tall, frightening man, but at least he knew that they would be delivered safely to the hotel and that was all he cared about.

Two hours before their arrival he turned on the television in his hotel room, hoping to occupy himself until the bodyguard called from the airport to let him know that his “guests” had made it in all right.  He turned on some cartoons, but quickly changed the channel as a special news report interrupted them.  He flipped through the channels, noticing the news report on almost every one, so he stopped at one, now interested in what the report was about.  His blood ran cold as the words of the newscaster echoed in his burning ears;  “United Airlines Flight 389 from Los Angeles International Airport to Boston has gone down somewhere in the middle of Colorado.  That’s right, if you’re just tuning in, United Airlines flight 389 to Boston, Illinois has gone down in the middle of Colorado.  On-lookers who owned a farm nearby say that the plane crashed and minutes later burst into flames.  As of now, there are no reported survivors.”

His eyes widened in realization and his heart beat faster.  He shook his head in denial, turning the channel to another, similar newscast, the same doomed report looming in his mind and replaying over and over again like a nightmarish mantra.

He stood up, trying desperately to run away, not able to believe the words protruding from the screen in front of him, but he fell immediately to his knees on the floor in front of the television.  He inched his way up, closer to the television, scraping his exposed knees on the rough carpet.  He wrapped his arms around the now despicable device, trying to cling to what he had left of “his twins”, the last memory he could ever have of them and the reality they now knew.   

He felt his heart shatter into a million different pieces and a heavy weight pounding down on his lungs, he gripped his shirt with his hands, pulling it away from his chest, heaving out breathes, trying desperately to hang onto some air to breathe as he felt his lungs collapse and the room close in around him.  His vision blurred as tears unconsciously streamed down his now red face and onto the television screen he gripped tightly, his knuckles turning white under the pressure.  Finally, he let go, letting his body sink down to the floor as he grabbed onto the carpet and pulled on it, hoping, somehow it could ease the pain and guilt that over took his body.  His wretched body-raking sobs turned into quiet moans as he cried harder.

The only sound his friends heard when they walked down the hall to his hotel room, just to make sure what they had heard on the news was not the doomed situation they imagined, was his desperate wailing.  It broke their hearts to hear the soft howling from behind his door and the sound only confirmed their dreaded fear.  They knocked on the hotel room door, knowing they would be helpless to his grief and knowing that from that day forward they would never have the same carefree man with them ever again.  There was no answer from inside the hotel room and no one dared enter.  Even if they felt they should go in to comfort him, words were useless and inadequate.

They let him alone for two whole days.  Two whole days he had spent in the same hotel room bed, sleeping.  And when he wasn’t sleeping he was crying.  It was all he could do.  It was all he felt he had right to do.  It was, after all his fault.  If he hadn’t bought them the plane tickets, begged them to come visit, they would still be alive, waiting online for him and cheering up his weary days.

And now he sat, but not alone this time.  Justin had decided to share the room with him after the second night, deciding that if he had wanted to talk he would be ready.  But he wasn’t ready.  How could he face the world after this?  How could he face his friends?  Them knowing that HE was the one who had killed two of his best friends, two people who had become like family?  Two people whom he never was able to meet and thank in person for coming into his life and two people whom would never again see all the world had to offer.

He sighed again as the sound of the hairdryer stopped and the bathroom door flew open, Justin standing in front of it, staring at the lifeless body on the bed.

“Come on man.  I know this is bad, but I swear you’ll get over it.  It will be alri…”

He snorted.  “Yeah, sure, I’ll get over this.  Eventually, I’ll get over this, but what about their mother Justin?  How can their mother get over this?  How can their mother get over the fact that her babies were on a plane at the request of some boyband member and because of that request they died!  They were killed, innocently killed to fulfill MY wish, MY request.”  He slowly lifted his body away from his pillow and turned to face his friend who sat on the bed opposite him.  He wiped his tears away from his eyes angrily.  “This is all MY fault.  If I hadn’t begged them to come they would still be alive.  I never got to…”  He couldn’t help the tears from falling again.  “I never got to…”  They fell harder as he tried to sniff them away.  “I never got to see them face to face, let them know just how much...”

Justin sat down beside him, covering his weak body with his arms and rocking him back and forth.  “How much what?”

He buried his face in Justin’s shoulder, unable to stop the tears from soaking Justin’s white shirt.  “How much I loved them.  And how much they meant to me.  And…” he shook his head violently against Justin’s.  “And it’s all my fault.”

Justin took a strong hold on his arms and pushed him back gently so that he was facing him.  Justin stared into his eyes, trying desperately to make him understand what everyone else knew all along.

“IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.”

He turned his head away, closing his eyes in frustration.  Justin’s expressionless face turned cold and a single tear trickled down his cheek at the site of his friend.

“Look at me.”  His tone was stern, but his words were barely audible.

When there was no reaction he tried again, more forcefully.  “I said look at me.”  When he felt he had gotten a good enough response he sighed and continued.  “Let me tell you something about these “girls” that you seem to have forgotten here.  They were so desperate to see you that if you hadn’t paid their way out here, they would have hopped on that plane themselves, paying their own way.  You know it’s true, so DON’T EVEN say this is in anyway your fault.  Do you understand me?  We could all tell how much you loved these girls, and we weren’t even in the situation.  They HAD to know how you felt, they had to.”

With that he stood up and left him alone with his thoughts once again.

Justin was absolutely right.  He knew it.

He stared down at the carpet, his tears finally stopping their trail down his cheeks and for the first time in three days he saw clearly.  They WOULD have flown out themselves, most likely on the same flight, in fact it took all his convincing to them for them to allow him to buy them the tickets.

He shook his head, rubbing his fists over his eyes.  Convincing himself would do no good.  It only made him feel worse.  For three days he felt like he couldn’t breathe and he knew it would only get worse if he couldn’t at least say goodbye.

He remembered JC telling him that a funeral for all passengers of flight 389 was going to be held the next evening, in Los Angeles. 

That was it.  He mustered up all his strength to take a shower and pack up a nice outfit for the funeral.  His body ached and his head wasn’t clear, but he had to do it, he had to go say goodbye, the only way he knew how.

As he tied his shoes the hotel room door flew open and Justin strolled in, staring at his form in shock.

“Where are you going?  You want some company?”  He asked, even though he already knew the answer.

The man’s voice was soft, almost inaudible, but Justin heard him loud and clear.

“I gotta go to the funeral J.  I gotta do this."

Justin nodded.  “You do know we have a concert tonight right?”  He asked, unconcerned.  They could make do without him.

He nodded.  “Yeah, but there’s somewhere else I gotta be.”

He nodded again.  “Go get ‘em tiger.”  Justin smiled as he stood up and headed towards him.

Justin opened the door for him and gave him a hug of reassurance.  “You know we’re all here for you when you get back right?  Whatever you need.  If you need to take a break for a while, we understand.”

The man nodded as a few tears he didn’t know he had left fell down his cheek.  “I know.”

***

His hands shook nervously as he pushed the door to the taxicab open and stepped out in front of the large building where the funeral was to be held.  He coughed uneasily and tugged on his jacket sleeve, his eyes focusing on the ground in front of him as he walked slowly towards the entrance, his heart racing.

He took a seat in the very back of the small auditorium and watched the mourners shuffle by him, sniffling back their tears, embracing one another in support and a united, loving bond.  His eyes glistened.  He had no one to share his pain with.  No one who understood what he secretly went through and no one for support.  Up until now he had grieved alone.

He thrust his fists in his eyes to wipe the tears that formed and looked up, finally noticing a small picture of the twins at the front of the room, along with pictures of the other victims, posted on a large chalkboard for all to see.

He forced himself to stand and slowly walked up to the chalkboard, his eyes never leaving the picture of his dear friends.  He reached his arm out and gently traced the picture with his shaking fingers, tears once again pouring down his cheeks.  He smiled sadly and turned around, making his way back to his seat in the back of the room.

He stopped as he felt a hand touch his shoulder gently.  He turned around meeting a pair of familiar eyes.  He gasped, looking into the twin’s eyes, the same brown, warm, welcoming, joyful eyes.  He stepped back in shock, unprepared for the site of the woman before him.

Her bittersweet smile made his heart melt.  “You’re him aren’t you?”  She stared at him expectantly, begging him to give her what was left of her children.  Any kind of memory she could hold onto.

He nodded absently.

She cried out in joy, embracing him.  “Oh, thank you so much.  Thank you so much for coming.  You have no idea what this means to me.”

Tears spilled onto his cheeks as he wrapped his arms around her waist.  “I’m so, so sorry.”  He shook his head, pleading for forgiveness.

The woman backed away, smiling while wiping the tears away from her eyes.  “No, don’t be.”  She paused, glancing around, unsure if what she had to say next would turn him away and she couldn’t bear that, but she had to tell him.  “I just want you to know, it’s not your fault.  Don’t blame yourself.”

He bit his lip, holding back the guilty tears he had been shedding for three days.

“Visiting you was all they talked about for weeks.  They were so anxious and excited to finally meet you.”  She smiled at the memory.  “They couldn’t wait to finally meet you in person.  They would have raised hell to get there, trust me.”  Her eyes filled with tears as she touched his shoulder gently, the last link to her daughter’s memory.  “I’m so glad you came.  Please, sit down.”  She motioned to a few seats next to where she stood.  “I saved a seat for you, in hopes you would come.”  She held out her hand to him.

He stared down at her trembling hand and smiled.

“It’s nice to finally meet you Chris.  I’m the twin’s mother.” 

He nodded and took a seat next to her as she bent down and rummaged through her purse, as if looking for something very important.

A few moments later she pulled a small box out of it and handed it to him.

"They wanted to give this to you when they met you, but they forgot it at home.”  She laughed lightly, tears springing to her eyes once more.  “Thank God they did, otherwise…”  She wiped away a few stray tears.  “Otherwise you might not have known how much you meant to them.”

Chris stared at the box as fresh tears escaped his eyes.  He slowly opened it, noticing a small necklace with two charms on it. 

“The little twin stars.”  Their mother gave in way of explanation.  “I always called them my little twin stars.”

He nodded, pulling out the necklace and examining the charms.  The pain in his chest tightened as he fingered the small silver charms taking in every detail.

His eyes dropped down to the box once more, noticing a folded paper.  He opened it up and read the inscription;

Chris, we hope this in any small way expresses the way that we feel about you.  We love you and can’t believe that we were given the chance to finally meet you in person.  Please, please never forget that you are a shining star and the music of our hearts.

He read down the page, his hands shaking.  They knew, they had to know how much he cared and loved them.  His heart soared as he read the words, so eloquently expressing the way he felt about them.  The tears of grief and pain finally stopping and instead, replaced with tears of love and admiration.

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul.

You'll never know
The gift you've given me.
I'll carry it with me.

Through the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better.
And made me reach for something more.

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...
Is the music of my heart.

You were the one
Always on my side
Always standing by
Seeing me through

You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you

Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before.
And your love
Is the music of my heart

What you taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me
Before…

Cause you always saw in me
All the best that I could be
It was you who set me free.

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love
Is the music of my heart.


He sniffled as he reached the end and looked up to the woman next to him, grabbing her outstretched hand.  She smiled up at him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.  The pain in his chest lifted as he embraced her, the only comfort he knew how to give.

They cried in each other’s arms for what seemed like an eternity, each taking relief in the other’s memories, until finally Chris broke away, smiling.

“Please.”  He begged.  “Tell me about your twin stars…” 

The End

Lyrics written by Diane Warren