(November 9, 2002)
She licked her dry lips and breathed in silently. There she laid, silently still. It was absolutely silent; the only sound that was heard was the sound of the rain drumming on the roof of their house. THEIR house. She silently chuckled at the way that sounded. Everything seemed to be THEIRS now. Caitlin’s and Justin’s. Justin should have been lying beside her, fast asleep, in THEIR bed. She used to love that, but now she was sickened by the sound of it. She was glad Justin wasn’t sleeping there.
Caitlin closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was late, around 3 or 4 in the morning. She opened her eyes and wished that she would see a new sunny day, but instead, it was still the same cold surrounding. She shivered slightly as a breeze swept over her. She laid there, still remaining in the same position. If Justin were there, he’d curl up, causing her body to spoon against him. Caitlin would have usually loved it how they’d cuddle up close when it was cold, but she was glad he wasn’t there to do this.
She had no idea what had changed between the two of them, but it had happened in the last couple of days because she had no memory of ever hating anything like this before. Caitlin rolled over and stared at Justin’s pillow. There was nothing there. She closed her eyes and pictured his sleeping form lying in front of her, breathing in and out. His strong nose and gorgeous lips. He was everything any girl would ever want, but she didn’t want him anymore. Maybe it was the way he had been treating her lately.
Ever since he jumped on the chance to make a solo CD, she took a backseat in his life. Caitlin used to be his everything, or so he’d told her. Maybe that was all a lie, also. The rain beat even more intently against the roof, making it sound as if someone were walking around THEIR house. Caitlin closed her eyes and wished that Justin was sneaking around THEIR house. That he’d come into THEIR room, expecting her to be asleep. He’d pull up a chair and sit there, watching her, waiting for her to wake up.
When her eyes would open, he’d sing to her and then give her the bouquet of roses he had gone out to get for her. Caitlin tried her hardest to fall asleep so she could wake up to that, but she knew no matter how hard she tried, no matter how many stars she wished upon, that it would never happen. He wasn’t out getting her flowers or wondering how she was sleeping in that bed alone. No, instead, he was out with his friends partying, dancing with all girls who would do anything to get into his pants.
He was drinking. He was getting drunk. And when he was drunk, he was horrible. He would stumble into THEIR house, making noises. Caitlin would have to get up and help him up the stairs to THEIR room, but he wouldn’t even let her touch him. He would snap at her and tell her how much he didn’t need her worthless body all over him. Caitlin would fall aside and cry and Justin would get a kick out of that. Once in awhile, when he was drunk and high, he’d hit her and she’d cry some more. She hide in the closet after he’d beaten her and cry her eyes out.
Caitlin noticed a tear fall out of the corner of her eye and she didn’t bother to wipe it. She pretended it was a drop of rain. No one ever knows that you’re crying if you stand out in the rain. Caitlin told herself. She got sick of lying down in THEIR bed, so she sat up and looked around the room. There were all kinds of memories in that very room. This was the very room that Justin had proposed to her in. Caitlin looked down at the gorgeous ring on her finger.
She shook her head at it, telling it that it held no special meaning to her. Did she really want to get married to someone like that? Someone who would hit her and treat her like that? Caitlin brushed her hair back with both hands and slowly let the tears pour out her eyes. The rain. She mentally told herself. Justin was going to walk into THEIR house in less than an hour. He’d expect her to come downstairs so he could yell at her, but Caitlin decided to turn things around. She grabbed two big empty suitcases and threw all of her belongings into them. She dressed herself in a pair of jeans and a big sweater. She zipped the suitcases up and was ready to leave, but her legs stopped and held her in place.
Caitlin fell to her knees and cried. A part of her wanted to leave and couldn’t wait to run away from him and never look back. Another part of her couldn’t bring herself to leave, knowing that if Justin really loved her then he would do everything in his power to get help. All of Caitlin knew what she had to do. She pulled herself up, grabbing onto the side of THEIR bed. She took one last look at THEIR bed and saw an image of Justin lying there, holding her.
Caitlin shook her head and wiped them away. It was too late for that to happen. No matter what happened, it would all go sour in the end. No matter how many promises Justin made and no matter how many times he apologized, it would all go wrong. Caitlin had had enough lies from that man alone to last her a lifetime. There was no tomorrow for them. This was the end. Caitlin felt her hands get heavy and she looked down at her left hand. There was the engagement ring.
Another tear slipped out of her eye as she placed it on Justin’s dresser. The rain continued to fall and Caitlin knew that she would feel free as soon as she walked out into the open and the rain poured all around her. She would feel loved, knowing that she was surrounded by something that would never hurt her. Caitlin closed her eyes and opened them. Justin was there, sitting in the chair. He was crying and Caitlin smiled sympathetically at him. Now it was his turn to cry and Caitlin wanted to reach out and tell him it was alright, but she wouldn’t lie to him. Cry me a river. She said mentally as she remembered the title to one of his songs.
No words came out of her mouth as she stood there, watching his misery and hurt pour out of his eyes and flow down his cheeks. The eyes that had made her love him in the first place. The cheeks that she would caress ever so softly as they slept together. Caitlin took a deep breath and closed her eyes and only opened them, when she heard a car honk its horn. Caitlin opened her eyes and Justin’s image slowly dissolved.
Caitlin made her way down those stairs and closed the door to THEIR house behind her. She would never go through that same hurt ever again and she would never have to see him laugh at her tears. She had escaped the hurt he would bring her that night. The rain beat against the windshield and the windshield wipers went crazy trying to wipe them away as quickly as they could.
As the taxi drove away from THEIR house, Caitlin saw about a mile away, another car pulling up. The taxi driver was driving very slow just to increase rates and Caitlin was slightly thankful so she could get a good view of the car. It was Justin and he parked his car in THEIR driveway. Caitlin knew that he would get angry as he found out that she had walked out before he could even hit her.
Caitlin still loved him, but she couldn’t love him when he was either drunk or high most of the time. If she had stayed that night, then she’d still be lying in her bed, wishing that he’d come home sober and ready to tell her how much he loved her, but she knew that would never happen. He hadn’t done that in such a long time and she knew it would never happen again.
She’d wonder what was wrong with her and why he didn’t say he loved her anymore. She wished that he would drop to his knees right there and pass out from drinking just to get what he deserved. She knew it wouldn’t happen. She shook her head and sighed. Caitlin watched as Justin opened the door to his car and she cried as her eyes noticed the item in his right hand.
A bouquet of red roses.
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