(January 5, 2003)
“Beautiful days are long gone
I can’t seem to breathe
Feels like it hasn’t been that long
Since you walked away from me
Now I can try to act real strong, but you and I know
That I still think of you that way, you should know.”
Caitlin sighed as the song played repeatedly in her stereo. She felt her heart break every time she heard it, but she had to listen to it. She enjoyed hearing Justin’s pain pour into his songs. “Never Again” was a favorite of her’s. Caitlin sat down at her table as she drank her hot coffee. Her apartment window overlooked the beach. She had visited the beach many times with Justin, but for the first time, it was peaceful. It actually felt good to watch the ocean.
Caitlin smiled and took a deep breath. The saltwater filled her lungs. Her eyes slightly closed, imagining the way the sunset looked every night that she sat here. Slowly, but surely enough, Justin’s face came into view. There was something about him that still appealed to her. Caitlin still loved him, but she knew she couldn’t.
Justin hadn’t even bothered trying to find her. It was rumored that since Caitlin was finally out of the picture, he had been jumping from bed to bed with many female stars in the public eye. Caitlin couldn’t care less. If he was happy doing what he was doing, then so be it. Justin had always made sure that she would never meet any of his male friends, just in case. It wasn’t as if Caitlin would cheat on him anyway. She loved him too much.
She moved to her bedroom, abandoning her coffee at the kitchen table. It was a much smaller bed and a very small apartment, just big enough for her only. The whole apartment could have fit inside of their bedroom easily, but what was the use? Caitlin was finally happy. She’d never sacrifice her happiness again.
Caitlin turned the TV on and watched the videos on MTV stream in one after the other. She heard rain falling as she turned to look at her reflection in the mirror. It reminded her of that one day when she had finally released herself of the pain. Caitlin looked back at the TV set and felt her chest tighten as Justin’s face appeared. The tears welled up in her eyes as she watched him walk across the screen.
He was gorgeous, there was no denying that. She pushed videotape into the VCR and recorded his video. When it was over on the TV, she rewound the tape and watched it over again. She watched his video with intent. His face pressed up against a shower stall in the end exposed his blue eyes. They were heartbroken and she could see it through the monitor. Caitlin paused the tape as her face pressed up against his on the screen.
She missed him. Caitlin shut her eyes tightly, hoping to forget about him and his haunting image, but she couldn’t. She missed the way he’d hold her late at night. She missed the way he’d touch her skin without his mouth having to say anything. It was hard to admit it, but she did. In her heart, she still missed him. Caitlin needed him at that moment. Her hand ran across his features of his face. She missed everything about him.
No. She told herself sternly. She couldn’t do it to herself again. He’ll lie again, he’ll break your heart again, Caitlin. Don’t do it. Caitlin tried her hardest to listen to her heart, but she couldn’t. There was a long silence as she continued to study him. She needed to get out. Caitlin reached out to grab her Walkman to accompany her on her long walk, but she couldn’t find it anywhere. She sighed and ran a hand down her face.
It was still at their house. She knew she had forgotten a lot of things when she rushed out of that house, but she was hoping they were just clothes or books. Things that weren’t important. Like their love. Caitlin growled as she looked at the clock. It was almost three in the afternoon. He was out, most likely. He was probably doing something else. Justin wasn’t known to spend his time indoors during the day.
She snatched her keys to their house off her dresser and jumped into her car. Caitlin would be in and out in a matter of minutes. Caitlin drove towards their house and felt a million and one memories rush into her head as she pulled up to the gates. She punched in the security code. The gates pulled back and allowed access for Caitlin. She parked her car beside Justin’s Mercedes.
She took a deep breath before opening the door with her key. It felt cold and lonely. It felt so familiar. Caitlin closed her eyes and looked around the bottom of the house. Dishes were packed high in the sink and there were assortments of pizza boxes scattered about the whole house. Caitlin walked up the stairs and passed through all the rooms that used to be theirs. She didn’t take a glance inside the room right beside their room, but she knew what was inside of it. All the hopes, dreams, and possibilities that were made in that room.
Would it be a boy? Would it be a girl? It was painted a soft yellow and the crib was already tucked in the corner of the room. A few stuffed animals were in the room. Caitlin remembered how she would spend hours and hours in that room, just imagining how perfect Justin and her would be with a family. How beautiful their daughter would be or how much their son would look like Justin. She hurried past this room and slowly slid inside their room.
She hadn’t been in this room for so long. Not for three months. The bed was a mess and there were clothes scattered across the room. Caitlin found her blue Walkman hiding underneath a few of Justin’s shirt. She bent down and picked it up, but not without getting a whiff of his scent. The tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. She brushed them away and stood up. Caitlin glanced at the silver Rolex on her arm that Justin had given her for her twentieth birthday. It was almost three thirty.
She turned and started walking towards the door while her eyes never left the floor as they inspected the whole room. Caitlin was so absorbed with the sight of their room, that she didn’t notice who was standing at the door. “C-cait?” Caitlin jumped back when she heard the voice. Her knees wobbled underneath her as she saw him standing in front of her. Caitlin’s breath was caught in her throat.
She closed her eyes, praying to be imagining him. Her eyes opened slowly and he was still there. He was real. A small painful smile spread across her chapped lips. “Justin.” She whispered. Caitlin clenched her hands tightly, feeling her fists turning white. She felt the weight of her Walkman become heavier with each moment she spent in front of him. “I…um, came to get some things I forgot.” Caitlin nodded as she started towards her walk-in closet.
“Why’d you leave, Cait?” Justin asked, his blue eyes saying everything his lips couldn’t. Caitlin felt her legs giving way on her. It was so hard to act strong and perfectly composed in front of the eyes that you once loved. She turned her head to look at him and she shook her head.
“Justin, don’t do this.”
“No.” He whispered, cupping her face in his hands. Caitlin felt her whole body shiver at his touch. It was poisonous, it was deadly, but at the same time, she couldn’t get enough of it. She bit her bottom lip hard as she forced herself to keep the tears inside. “Caitlin, I love you. I will do everything to get help. I’ll stop going out. I’ll be good for you. Remember when I wrote that for you? I will Cait. I’ll do everything I can to be the perfect hus…”
Caitlin pulled away, angry at herself for giving into him. This was the exact reason she left. All he fed to her were lies. Lies that had hurt her for the longest time. “No.” She whispered. Caitlin tried to walk around him, but Justin’s hand reached out for her’s. “We were made for each other.” Justin whispered into her palm. She pressed her lips together. “I love you Cait. I’m sorry for everything I did to you. Can’t you believe that?”
“No, Justin. Because the last time I believed you, I stayed and put up with your abuse for three years.” Justin’s heart broke in front of Caitlin’s eyes and she finally had the strength to leave and let go. She felt free. He stood there and didn’t bother to make her stay as she walked past him. She was almost out of the door when Justin’s voice stopped her.
“I need you Cait.” He whispered. Caitlin leaned against the doorframe, the knot in the back of her throat becoming bigger and bigger. “I haven’t been with anyone else ever since you walked out. I loved you then and I still love you now.” The tears ran past her cheeks, exposing her soul with every drop. She didn’t know what to do, to leave or to stay. “I never meant to hurt you, Cait. I’m sorry that you thought I was out that night, I’m sorry that you felt neglected, but…”
“But what, Justin?” Caitlin asked, turning around. “But I can’t help it? I’m a man? But I knew that you would come running into my arms again?” She shook her head as she sniffled. “You can apologize all you want Justin, but I will not do this again.” Caitlin turned around and was one step closer to being released as she neared the front door, yet something held her in place.
She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against the door. “Why do I love you so much?” Caitlin asked herself, a few tears rolling past her cheeks. She could feel Justin’s presence in the room. It felt dark whenever he went into a room and it caused Caitlin to fear him.
“Because you know I will be better. You’re afraid that if you walk out that door you’re walking out on something good. You know I keep my promises, Cait. I always do.” Justin’s hand rested on her shoulder. Caitlin felt her body warmth return at his touch. She hadn’t felt that from him in so long. The tears welled up in her eyes as she turned around and hugged him. Caitlin’s hands got lost in his blonde locks.
“I love you Justin…” She whispered, hugging him tightly. Caitlin pulled back, Justin’s eyes beaming nothing but love and admiration at her. “…but like I said earlier, I’m not going to do this again.” She moved to turn the doorknob, but Justin grabbed onto her legs.
“Caitlin, stay, please. I need you, every part of me can’t live without you. Every part of me knows that you’re the only one for me. I love you. I swear to God that I will be better and get help. I swear to God I’ll be a good husband, a great friend, and an even better father. I’ll give you everything if you just promise to stay. I need you, Cait.”
“Need what? My tears? Did you miss how good it felt to make me cry? Did you miss how powerful you felt when I was down? What do you need?” She yelled at him. Justin closed his eyes and looked down. He pressed his face to her knees and cried into them. Caitlin felt her chest constricting itself around her heart. Her walls were broken at this moment.
Justin had never cried in front of her, ever. Once Caitlin believed that getting Justin to cry would make her feel powerful, but now that she was here, she didn’t believe that lie anymore. It broke her inside. She slid against the door and held Justin in her arms. Not wanting to leave or ever wake up from this lie. She’d hurt herself even more than the first couple of times around, but maybe he would change. Maybe it would be alright. They’d finally have a family. They’d finally be enough for each other.
“What I need is you.” Justin whispered into her chest. Caitlin sighed and kissed the top of his head, knowing that this was everything they were. Fights, lies, apologies, tears, promises, and when they thought it was all over, it’d start over again.
“How do I know you’re not lying to me again?” Justin pulled away and his blue eyes stared into her’s. He kissed her lips and pulled out something small. It had once symbolized their love. It had shown the world that they were everything to each other. And it had broken them apart before. But this time, it meant the world to her. It was everything and anything she would ever wanted. It was all she would ever need as long as they were together. Caitlin’s tears this time were not of sorrow or hurt, but of pure joy.
“Marry me, Cait.”
“See when I get the strength to leave you
Always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak 'cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You could learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
Never gonna change
Never gonna change
See, my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin' while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See, my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin' while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you.”
- Ashanti “Foolish”
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