And if I tried to save him
My whole world would cave in
I tell him to breathe. Breathe in deep. He pushes me away from his helpless figure. Resting his head against the toilet, shouting in pain and frustration. His brain is just too jumbled to even think of regret. He doesn’t even know why he’s going through this. The throbbing in his head and the uneasiness in his stomach is a strong indication of what he’s done wrong. But he can’t even recognize it.
I try not to cry. Try not to think of what else I could do. There’s nothing. He won’t let me help him. I want so badly to go over to him, and run my fingers through his hair, telling him everything will be fine. But his hands shove me away. I fall to the ground, a bruise on my arm starting to form. I don’t even think about it. Nothing is on my mind except his body laying there.
Why don’t I just pack up and leave? Leave his disgusting self lying there? I can’t. It sounds simple, but it truly is complicated. But there’s still no wavering in my decision. I’ve never left him before, and I’d be damned if I’m going to do it now.
I regain my composure, and march over to him, grabbing his hands, and dragging his body close. I repeat soothing words, over and over again, hoping, praying that it may go through. He may understand. A wish is never gone until all possibilities have disappeared. But he never disappears. Somehow, somewhere, my prayer is answered and he falls asleep. Now resting in my arms. Just hours before, he had been the man in the relationship, holding me with compassion, but now I try hard to fit my small arms around his body. He’s getting smaller and smaller every day. Not his appearance, but his soul. It’s truly dying. And I can’t help but save him. He causes me so much torture when I have to look at him. Helping him kills me. It’s an ultimatum with no options. Just one choice that I can’t make. Because there is no alternative when it comes to entrusting myself with his soul. His body. I die inside, piece by piece, because the pain on his face breaks my heart.
And if I tried to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
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