May 25, 2005
“I’m so sorry, honey. It’s a shock to all of us.”
I nod as another person I’ve never met before heads over to my mother. It’s nice to know people actually care, but if another person says something along the lines like that, I’m gonna snap. The viewing started an hour ago and that’s all I’ve been hearing. Of course, Justin and his family are here with me, but I really haven’t spoken today. You could probably mistake me as another statue in the funeral home right now. It’s as if the world’s stopped.
I look over at my mother who’s trying so hard not to cry, but continues to anyways and makes me cry silently. She doesn’t deserve to go through this. What did she ever do wrong?
The only person that’s been wrong the whole time is me. I never forgave him. I had so many chances, but I didn’t and now it’s too late. He’s gone..and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. He died on the night of Trace and Elisha’s wedding due to a heart attack. I kept on hoping this was another false death, but as soon as I saw my Dad lying in the casket, I knew it was true. I had to leave the room due to shock and denial with Justin behind my back to make sure I was okay. But I’m not. I lost my father. I lost the one man who cared for me from the moment I was born. I lost the man who was there the moment I signed onto Jive to start my career. I lost a part of my heart.
Would you know my name if I saw you in Heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in Heaven?
It took a little bit, but I’m back in the room. I just won’t look over where the casket is. I look over to see Sarah coloring with Steven, one of Justin’s half-brothers. She really doesn’t understand what’s going on. She thinks Dad is just sleeping. Mom and I discussed that if she asks one of us if he’s dead, we’ll have to tell her. But I don’t want to be the one to tell her. I don’t wanna see her cry.
I look over at the poster-board Mom and I made full of pictures of Dad. I spot the one of him, Mom, Sarah, and me at my opening night for my first tour. I then spot the picture of him walking me down the isle while crying in the process.
“If I cry, its tears of joy. Because you grew up so fast and I’m so happy I’m here today.”
I think I’ve had enough for now. I’m gonna be here all day anyways. So I decide to head over to Sarah, “Do you wanna go downstairs?”
“Yeah! I wanna watch ‘The Fox and The Hound’!” she says excitedly as she stands up. The funeral home has a room for kids to watch movies and color since they might not understand the concept of what’s going on.
As we’re about to leave, someone grabs my hand and I turn around to see my worried husband, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah..I’m just taking Sarah downstairs. I need a break anyways.”
“You want me to go with you?”
“I’ll be fine…I think I need some time alone with her,” I say as I look over at Sarah anxiously waiting to go.
“Alright. Just come and get me if you need anything,” he says as he kisses me on the cheek and watches Sarah and I go downstairs.
“Why aren’t they friends anymore?” Sarah asks as she watches the movie.
Not noticing she’s asking me something, I stare out into space just thinking about everything that’s happened.
Time can bring you down; time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please.
“Rachel? Rachel... Rachel!”
I snap out of it and look over at Sarah, “Sorry, what did you ask?”
“I wanted to know why they aren’t friends anymore?”
“I don’t know, sweetie. You’ll have to keep watching the movie.”
She watches quietly for a few minutes until she turns around and asks me, “Rachel, why are people crying upstairs?”
I look at her with wide eyes knowing that I’m going to have to tell her, “They’re sad about Daddy.”
“But Daddy’s just sleeping. People don’t cry when I sleep.”
“Daddy’s sleeping…but he’s not going to wake up again,” I say slowly.
“..So what does that mean?” she asks confused.
“...It means that Daddy’s in Heaven now, sweetheart. He’s in a better place.”
“Daddy’s never coming back?” she asks on the verge of tears.
“Unfortunately…no..” I say as a tear escapes my eye.
“But..but how is he here?! How is he lying in that weird bed if he’s dead?!”
“Maybe that’s something you should ask Mommy..” I say.
“You’re lying aren’t you?! You’re just trying to trick me again! This isn’t funny, Rachel! I’m gonna tell Mom!”
“I wish I was lying Sarah, but I’m telling you the truth! I wouldn’t lie about something like this! Why else would everyone be crying upstairs?” I tremble.
“He’ll come back won’t he? Just like Justin, right?”
“Justin never died, sweetheart. We thought he did, but it was a mistake..”
Sarah sits in her chair quietly and starts to cry, “I want my Daddy..”
I cry harder as I kneel down beside her and hug her tightly, “I do, too. I want him back so much.”
I hear someone come in the room, but I don’t bother to look up until I feel the person hug Sarah and I. I look up to see Justin look at Sarah and kiss her head. I continue to cry as he kisses me and tries his best to comfort us.
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don’t belong here in Heaven.
An hour later, Justin and I are sitting on the steps outside the funeral home. I’ve calmed down a bit, but I’m still upset. Sarah’s inside with everyone else since she’s done crying. I wish I could do that, but I hate myself right now. I hate how I treated him in the hospital a month ago. I regret all the negative words I’ve said about him.
“You’ll get through this. It just takes time,” Justin says as he holds me.
“Time won’t heal anything. You saw how I treated him the past month. I really was gonna forgive him..I was just..mad and confused. If I knew this was gonna happen..” I say trying to finish my sentence.
“Shh..it’s okay. I’m sure he knows.”
“Maybe…but I still hate myself.”
“Don’t. Baby, this isn’t your fault. You had no idea this would happen.”
I sigh as I lean against him, “I just wish I would have told him before it was too late.”
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Song credit: Tears in Heaven”Eric Clapton
Number of reviews: 41
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