A/N: This chapter is a little touchy to a specific subject. Just to let you know, I have not thought about trying to do what the character is going to do. It’s just fiction. There are also two parts to this so..yeah. Alright, thanks!
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June 3, 2005
Los Angeles, CA
Justin and I came home yesterday after a week of sorrow. I couldn’t stay there anymore. I wanted to, but I couldn’t take it. The day of the funeral was miserable. It was dark, cloudy, and raining which fit the mood. I stood near the hole where my father would be buried. I almost didn’t show up at all. The emotions were getting stronger.
“I can’t go, Mom. I just can’t.”
“I know it’s hard, but it’s your last chance to say goodbye.”
“That’s the whole point! I don’t wanna say goodbye! I’m not supposed to do that yet! I can’t bury Dad, Mom! I CAN’T BURY HIM!” I cried as Mom did her best to comfort me.
And so she convinced me to go. I thought about it and was sounding pretty selfish. I didn’t need more regrets on my mind to think about. But it was so hard to watch the whole burying process. I almost wanted to grab one of the shovels and dig him out, but I knew that it wouldn’t change anything. Just my sanity..or what’s left of it.
I’ve often wondered if there’s ever been a perfect family
I’ve always longed for undividedness and sought stability
So here I am home alone in the afternoon. Justin had a meeting to go to about when to release his album. And I’ve been here, sitting on the living room couch in silence thinking about things. My life is hell. It’s like all of a sudden I can’t live happily anymore. It’s just one living nightmare to the next. And it’s not anyone’s fault. It’s mine. I hate myself. When I look in the mirror, I look in disgust. I hate myself.
A flower taught me how to pray
But as I grew that flower changed
She started flailing in the wind
Like golden petals scattering
“I hate myself..” I say as I roll up my sleeves to look at the marks I’ve made on my arms. No one knows except me. When Justin’s not around, I cut myself. And then I wear long-sleeve shirts to hide it.
“Is it that cold in here? I can turn down the air for you,” Justin says concerned.
“No, I’m fine. Don’t worry,” I reply with a fake smile.
Yeah, I know. I’m lying to my husband. And he’s done nothing wrong, but I can’t tell him. I can’t tell anyone. They’ll just put me in with the rest of the other people who have problems like me. So I’ve decided. I won’t be here much longer. I can’t go through all this pain anymore. And as soon as I’m gone, there will be no more pain..for no one.
I was resigned to spend my life within a maze of misery
“Baby, I’m back,” I hear Justin say as I quickly roll down my sleeves.
“How was your meeting?” I ask.
“It went well. The album’s gonna come out near the end of the year.”
“That’s great,” I say with another fake smile.
Justin looks at me with worry across his face, “Are you okay?”
I shrug, “As good as I can get at this point.”
He takes my hands into his and sits on the couch, “You know I love you, right?”
“Of course,” I say truthfully.
“Good,” he says as he kisses me and pulls me into a hug. “You’re gonna be alright.”
‘If you say so,’ I thought as I held onto him.
June 4, 2005
2:15AM
I look at the bright red numbers that appear on my alarm clock as I lie awake in the middle of the night. This is it. It’s time. I roll over quietly to look at Justin sleeping peacefully as the front of his handsome figure faces me. I lie there watching him for a few moments. I’m not doing this because of him. It’s because of me. No one else. I’ve done too many horrible mistakes and now it’s time for me to pay my debts.
“I love you,” I whisper quietly as I kiss him gently on the forehead. I then place a note on my pillow for him to read when he awakes.
Justin,
When you read this note, I’ll be gone. I won’t be here anymore. I couldn’t take this pain anymore and decided to end it once and for all. Don’t ever think for a moment that it’s your fault, because I love you. It’s me and all the stupid mistakes I’ve made in my life that I can’t handle.
And I hope you realize I’ll always love you
And although you’re struggling, you will recover
I’m sorry to do this to you, but it’s for the best. Nobody will have to go through so much misery anymore.
Tell everyone that I love them. And don’t ever forget that I love you.
Goodbye.
Love, Rachel
I get out of the bed without waking him up and head to the bathroom. I look over at him one last time before I close the door. I look around the bathroom as I try to calm down. This is not exactly how I pictured myself dying, but it has to be done. I’m done with life. I’ve had enough.
I open the medicine cabinet and take out a bottle of pills. I look at them, knowing that as soon as they enter me, I’m gone. I start to shake, a little scared of what I’m doing so I sit on the edge of the tub to relax.
I know what I’m about to throw away. I know that. My husband, my family, my career, my future. Everything. But then I think back on how Dad lost all of that, too. And it makes me angry. Even though he did some mistakes, he never deserved to die. And I finally figure that out when I’m about to do the same thing.
I stand up from the tub and open the lid. I look at the contents inside before I raise the bottle near my mouth. I have quick thoughts of everything that’s happened in my life. I guess it’s true that you go down memory lane right before you die. These are my last thoughts. Goodbye Justin. I love you so much. Goodbye Mom, I had to do this. Goodbye Sarah, make me proud. Goodbye to everyone I knew and loved.
And I missed a lot of life, but I’ll recover
Though I know you really like to see me suffer
And hello to Dad. I’ll be seeing you in a moment.
I open my mouth and the bottle touches my lips. This is it. Goodbye.
To be continued.
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Song credit: Petals”Mariah Carey
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