A/N: Hey guys--the updates are gonna be a little slow, I apologize. Due to my schedule and homework and stuff it's insane. So hope you like this chapter and thanks for continuing to leave reviews!
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June 4, 2005
3:41AM
“NO!” Justin screamed as he sat up straight in bed. He quickly looked to his left side and saw his wife sleeping peacefully and heaved a sigh of relief.
“It was just a dream..” he whispered as he laid back down while continuing to look at Rachel.
He knew about it. He had seen the cuts on her arms and wrists. Ever since they came home, she was distant from everyone, including him. He knew it would take time for her to heal, but never expected it to be this bad. He began to wonder if this was how she acted while he was in the hospital. It wasn’t until dinner last night that he noticed things were worse than they seemed. Both sleeves on her over-sized hoodie had slid back far enough to make his eyes wide. There were huge, deep cuts all near her wrists and a few on her arms. He quickly brought his attention back to her question she had just asked and bent his head back down to concentrate on finishing his dinner. But he didn’t miss a motion out of the corner of his eye when he saw that she noticed her sleeves were showing the dark secret she was keeping from the world and quickly covered it back up.
No one is glamourously lonely, follow your heart
“What am I gonna do?” Justin asked himself as he tried to fall back asleep. He knew that the thought of committing suicide had to have crossed Rachel’s mind. It was what usually happened. The person went distant from other people, hardly talked, hid the tears and the cuts, and eventually killed themselves. What he couldn’t get was why she would even think about it in the beginning. She had made some mistakes with her father and never got the chance to take them back, but killing herself? It made Justin cringe thinking about it.
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will help me leave the past behind
Justin rolled over on his side and wrapped his arms around her waist. ‘I have to say something before it’s too late,’ he thought as he fell back asleep, hoping he wouldn’t have the same dream again.
He also hoped his dream wouldn’t turn into a living nightmare.
11:14 AM
“You can’t be serious, dude.”
“I wouldn’t lie about something like this.”
“But honey…why would Rachel even think like that?”
Justin sighed as he looked at Lynn and Trace, “I honestly don’t know, Mom. If I was positive about it, I would tell you, but after seeing what I saw, I have no idea what else she’s hiding.” Justin had called them over to talk to them about something ‘serious’. Elisha was outside on the back porch with Rachel talking with her, or at least as much as she could get the girl to talk.
“She might need some professional help,” Lynn said.
Justin looked at his mother and stood up angrily from the couch, “There is no way I’m having her put in with all those other wackos-”
“Justin, calm down! I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just saying a psychiatrist. I don’t necessarily think she needs to go down that far unless she really does try to attempt the extreme,” Lynn stated as she watched her son sit back down and rest his head in his hands.
“Rachel might not even need that, dude,” Trace added to try to calm his best friend. “She just needs someone to talk to.”
“But why won’t she talk to me about it? We’re not supposed to keep secrets from each other, and it hurts me that she can’t even tell me that she’s hurting.”
“She may think it would only be another burden to you, which it’s not, but that’s how people get sometimes. She just doesn’t want you to worry,” Lynn says as she sits down next to Justin and rubs his back.
“Too late,” Justin said and sighed.
“How bad are the cuts?” Trace asked.
“They’re pretty deep from what I saw. It doesn’t look good at all.”
“Do you have anything going on today?” Lynn asked.
“I had a couple interviews, but I called Johnny and cancelled them. I just told him there were some family problems going on at the moment.”
“Good, because I think that’s when she’s cutting herself since no one would be able to catch or hear her.”
Justin nodded slowly, “God, how could I have been so stupid? All the signs were right in front of me and I just couldn’t see them.”
“It’s hard, man. But be thankful you know now instead of later. The hard part is you need to talk to her about it,” Trace says.
“She’s not even supposed to know I know-”
“It doesn’t matter, Justin. It needs to be said. If you let this go, it’s just gonna get worse and worse until you don’t have the chance to stop it. You’ve got to tell her TODAY. She’ll thank you in the future,” Lynn says.
“She’s right, J. And whatever happens, know that we’re here,” Trace adds.
“Thanks,” Justin says as he hugs his mother and Trace tight, but lets go quickly when they hear the back door open.
“Hey, you guys as hungry as I am?” Elisha says as she enters the living room with Rachel following behind her.
Everyone nodded in agreement as they decided to eat lunch. As everyone else walked into the kitchen, Justin went over to Rachel, hugged her tightly, and kissed her on her head.
“Its past 80 degrees out there, Rach, aren’t you hot in that sweater?” Lynn asked, seeing what she would say.
“Not really..” she answered quietly.
Tomorrow the sun will shine and dry the tears in your eyes
'I have to talk to her today,’ Justin thought as he and Rachel joined the rest of the group.
Just one last cry
9:41 PM
Is it just me or was everyone acting a little weird today? Maybe it was the heat..sure had me going daft. I felt like I was going to faint. Oh well, I lived.
Yeah, yeah, I know, take the damn hoodie off. But I can’t. If anyone found out about what I’ve been doing…things could go wrong. I don’t need another issue to carry along with the other ones I already have.
I look at one of my cuts on my left wrist. I don’t know how I made it go that deep, but it hurts like hell every now and then. Yeah, I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I deserve it. Every little cut.
I open one of the drawers in the kitchen and pull out the weapon that I use almost everyday. Every time I use it, I back out at first, but end up shutting my eyes and dealing with the pain while no one’s around to hear my cries. But it’s okay. That’s the whole point. No one can find out.
“Looking at your reflection in the knife? That’s what mirrors are for, babe.”
I turn around quickly to see Justin come out of the dark hallway and walk over to me as I’m panicking in my head to think of an answer.
“Don’t be silly. I just finished washing it and made sure there were no specs on it or anything.”
“Oh, I see..” Justin replies. “So are you done? Cause I wanted to talk to you.”
I laugh hesitantly, “Talk about what?”
Oh god, please don’t tell me he knows something.
“Well, I’ve been thinking about it for a while..and I wanted to know..”
There’s no way he has no idea.
“..if you’d do a song with me on my album.”
I sigh with relief. That was close.
“Of course I will,” I say.
Justin smiles and wraps his arms around my waist, “Good, cause if you said no, I would have had to make you suffer...but I probably will anyways.”
I smile at him and my heart melts inside. He always takes away all the pain.
“I love you,” I say.
“Mmm..I love you too, babe,” Justin replies as he kisses me. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” I say not realizing where this may head to.
“Can I ask you what this is?” Justin asks as he quickly grabs hold of my left hand and pushes the sleeve of my hoodie back up to my elbow to reveal my cuts.
My eyes grow wide and I start to panic as I look up at Justin who now has a serious face that mixed of fear, anger and sadness.
“I…I..-"
“Rachel, tell me why,” he says with a serious voice.
I look in his eyes and know that there’s no way I can get out of this. He knows, he’s apparently known about this for a while. When did he find out? How did he find out?
I’ve got some explaining to do to my husband and it’s not gonna be pretty.
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Song credit: Song For The Unloved”Backstreet Boys
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