His ocean blue eyes stare right through me as he waits for my reply.
“I”you wouldn’t understand.’
“I don’t understand now either, so what’s the difference?”
Justin brushes past me into the hallway, leans against the doorframe, and sighs. “It’s me, isn’t it?”
I look over at him, “Of course not!”
His eyes start to get glossy, “Then why would you do that?”
I sigh and walk over to him, “It’s not you, Justin. It’s me. I just keep screwing up my life and everyone in it. Everyday I look in the mirror and I see a cold-hearted, worthless person staring right back at me.”
His hands rest on my cheeks, “You’re not like that at all, baby. You’re the most caring, beautiful, and wonderful person I’ve ever met.”
“How could a daughter who treated her father like shit still be those things?!”
“Rachel, you never did that!”
“Yes I did! I ignored him, I was rude to him, and now he’s gone! He’s gone and I’ll never get the chance to tell him how much I love him!” I cry as Justin pulls me close and hugs me tight.
“It’s not fair…it’s not fair. I never meant those words. I wish I could take it all back.”
“He knows all that, Rach. He loves you so much. And I’m sure he’s as proud of you as I am for all that you’ve done. But I don’t think he would want you to hurt yourself. That’s crazy of you to do that.”
“I know, I know..it’s just…I felt trapped in all this pain. I want all the pain in my life to just go away!”
He sighs, “You have no idea how bad I wanna do that for you. But I can’t help you if you hide all of this from me. I’ll be here for you, Rach, if you just let me in.”
I nod my head slowly, “Okay, I will.”
Justin starts to cry silently, “Don’t leave me.”
I think of how selfish I’ve been lately. I was just sitting around the house moping and wishing I was dead while my husband needed me all along.
“I won’t. I promise.”
July 16, 2005
8:15 PM
“Baby, you have no idea how bad I wanna be there.”
“For the last time, don’t worry about it! It’s not like you’re missing this on purpose. Besides, I feel better that you’re not here watching.”
“That makes me feel good.”
I snicker, “Justin, you know what I mean! I get too nervous. Plus…this video’s gonna get a little emotional.”
“Which is why I should be there for you.”
“Well let’s just say we’re even then. I should be there for you and the guys, too.”
I know what you’re thinking. ‘You and the guys?! What are you talking about?!’ Attention to all the screaming girls: NSYNC is back. What a shock, eh? ‘Oh my god, they’re back again.’ Wait…wrong group. Anyways, it turns out that Justin was in the studio the whole time with the guys working on new stuff. They wanted to keep it a surprise and with me going in and out of the studio, he decided to say he was working on another solo album. Well…the whole studio thing was true.
Right now, I’m still in good old Los Angeles, CA, shooting a music video while the guys are in New York City. Whatever big TV show exists, they’re on performing and being interviewed and also welcomed back. They weren’t sure how people were going to react, but thankfully, they’re back at number one. As for me, I’m not like I was over a month ago. I’ve been able to handle my feelings better. I’m still upset about my dad and how I wish I could say just say sorry and that I love him. My first single is not ‘Most Girls’, but now ‘Confessions of a Broken Heart’. Justin insisted that I see a therapist at least once to talk about things. I hated the idea at first, but decided to do it anyways. The therapist told me to write down my feelings in a journal or something. So I did and somehow all those feelings turned into a song. Everyone, including myself, was a little hesitant about releasing this as a single, but I feel that it’s a shout out to my dad in Heaven. Sure, some of the song is a little bit of blaming, but most of the song basically tells him that I never stopped loving him.
“It’s not like you haven’t seen us yet, babe.” Justin sighs, “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” I say as I roll my eyes. Sometimes he worries too much. He even insisted that if he couldn’t be here, Lynn should. Which is nice since she’s always been like another mother to me. But still, that boy needs to calm down.
“Rachel, we need you on set now!”
I sigh, “Well you know I would stay on the phone all night, but I have to go. They’re calling for me.”
“All right, call and tell me how it went whenever you get a chance.”
“Okay, I will.”
“I love you, babe.”
I smile, “Love you, too.”
We both say our goodbyes and hang up. I step out of my warm trailer into a cool night as I walk over to the set. I shiver a little, considering I’m wearing nothing on my shoulders and hoping that I don’t trip on the bottom of my red dress in front of all these people. I walk up to where the director was standing to see what to do.
“Hey there Rachel!”
“Hello,” I say giving him a hug, “so what are we doing now?”
“You’re going to go into the bathroom and just do it like yesterday, only make the emotions a bit different. Also, these people will be watching you so also try to look like you’re telling the world how you feel.”
“All right. I can do that…if I make it over there without tripping.”
He laughs, “All right, give me a cue when you’re ready!”
“Okay,” I say as I head over to the ‘display window’ I’m supposed to be in. People meet me there and position me where I should be in the beginning. I give a thumbs up to the director.
“Quiet on the set!” he yells as everyone is silenced.
“Start the song…and action!”
The all too familiar tune starts as I prepare to finish this video.
Why’d you have to go, why’d you have to go, why’d you have to go?
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am broken, but I am hoping
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am crying; a part of me’s dying
And these are; these are
The confessions of a broken heart
I start to cry as I continue through the song. This video is important to me not only because it’s the first single, but because it’s so real to me. Even though it’s been drawn out on a storyboard, these are real events that happened in my life.
Three hours later, the video’s finally done. I’m in my trailer changing and sit in silence until I decide to call someone connected with this whole thing.
“Hello?”
A smile appears on my face, “Hi Mom.”
“Hi, how’d the video go?”
I sigh, “I’d be lying if I said it was easy.”
“I know. You know, I’m proud of you for doing this. I’ve always wanted to see how it was through your eyes.”
“You have no idea how much your opinion on this means to me.”
“Oh, I’m sure I do. Just like I know about last month.”
“Well I’m never doing that again,” I say.
“Just like you said there was no way you were marrying that NSYNC boy?” she teases and quotes me.
I laugh, “Be quiet, Mom! That was a few years ago!”
“But you know I’m always right.”
“Right…” I say sarcastically as I continue to laugh as I hear a knock at the door.
“Speaking of the NSYNC boy, I think that’s his mother coming to see if I’m ready to go.”
“All right, tell her I said hi and to call me whenever.”
“Will do.”
“Oh, and Rachel?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
I open the door for Lynn as she steps in, “I love you too, Mom. Bye!”
“Oh was that your mother? Darn, I missed her!” Lynn says as I put my phone in my purse and pick up all my other bags.
I laugh, “Yes, that was her. She says hello and wants you to call her whenever you can.”
“Is that all you have here?” Lynn asks before we leave.
“I’m pretty sure. They’ll call me if they find something I forgot. Let’s get out of here.”
Lynn and I get into the car and leave the set. Remembering Justin’s request, I start to dig my phone to call him until Lynn stops me while at a red light.
“I know what you’re planning on doing. I don’t think you should do that right now.”
I start to get worried, “Why?”
Lynn looks over at me and smiles, “I think it’d be better if we surprised him by heading to New York. I think it’d do well for all of us. Plus, you could use a little break. What do you say?”
My smile brightens and I put my phone back in my purse, “I couldn’t agree more.”
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Song credit: Confessions of a Broken Heart”Lindsay Lohan
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