**A/N - there IS language...so you're warned**
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I woke up last night, around 2 am. I don’t know what stirred me awake, but I woke up to find your side of the bed empty. I figured you probably couldn’t sleep again, and were downstairs. But I heard you come in a few hours later, smelling different. I didn’t want to think about why that was, or why you were coming home at 5 in the morning. I didn’t allow myself to think that way because I knew you loved me. I knew you would never do the unthinkable, because you’ve been left hopeless because of it. And you promised me you would never break my trust that way.
But you’ve been out late a few days every week, out with friends. I don’t know what’s going on, but I really wish you would tell me what you were thinking. You used to tell me everything, and I cherished our late night chats. That’s something I love about our relationship. We can tell each other everything, and not be scared of hurt feelings. Things are different now, though. I know that if you tell me what I know is the truth; I’ll end up hurt. It’ll feel as if someone ripped my heart out of my chest, because that’s exactly what you would do if you admit it. I can’t stand to hear it aloud; it’ll tear me apart. So instead, I’ll pretend to be blind and oblivious. I’ll ignore the many signs of your betrayal, and live in the moment of being with you. I hope and dream that you really are just out with friends. Every fiber of my being yearns for that to be true. Every part of me hopes you are completely mine, because I am completely yours.
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It was late in the night as a shadow quietly padded over a plush carpet, through a quiet living room. The figure slipped into the guest bathroom and took a quick shower, to wash away the night, before silently slipping into another room. They softly slid into bed, hoping the other person was sound asleep. But she wasn’t. Blayre lay quietly; her eyes wide open as they blinked away tears. Her tears had suddenly appeared when she heard the garage door close, and heard the shower in the guest bedroom turn on. What had been going on, had been going on for a few months now. Justin had insisted he was out with the guys, writing, and recording. But she wasn’t blind, or incompetent. She knew he was out with her. He had even admitted that he would always love her, but Blayre always believed that love would stop being a romantic love, and fade away into a caring love. A love that someone held for an old friend, or family member. But her moments of yearning turned into hopeless wishes. He would always love her. Madeline Thomas, star of a hit TV show, and ex-girlfriend of 6 years of Justin Timberlake. How could a journalist from a little town in Texas live up to that?
Blayre slowly fell asleep, her tears drying up as she held on to Justin’s arm that was draped over her stomach. He whispered ‘I love you,’ before closing his eyes. He took a deep breath, savoring the sweet scent of Blayre’s shampoo. He frowned slightly, thinking of his recent, unforgivable actions.. But he couldn’t help himself. He knew that his nights away meant nights of loneliness for Blayre, and he scolded himself every night on his return. She was too good, too perfect, for him to treat her the way he had been treating her. He would have to confess tomorrow. His mother had even stopped talking to him, after finding out what he had been up to. It was time to release all of the emotions he felt inside. Even if it meant losing the one good thing in his life.
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Justin looked up when he heard the door open. Blayre stood in the doorway, smiling weakly as she walked over to his position on the couch.
“I need to ask you something,” she sighed. Justin sat up straighter, and nodded.
“What’s up?”
“Are you having sex with Madeline?”
Justin’s eyes widened in shock, “What?”
Her aqua blue eyes looked away, before turning back to him. “Justin, I know you’re not going out with the guys every week. I’m not an idiot. And I want to know if I should leave now, before I let myself fall even deeper in to this relationship.”
“Blayre, don’t act like this. I know what you’re thinking. But it’s not like that…”
She shook her head frantically, her eyes blazing with pain and anger, “Justin, don’t talk to me as if what you’ve done is right. Don’t talk as if it’s my fault. And don’t you dare tell me that I don’t understand and don’t know. I know that you’ve been fucking her. I know that you’ve been going every fucking week to her!” She took a deep breath and turned away from him. “You promised you would never hurt me, and never do anything to break my heart. Guess what you’re doing now? And guess what you’ve done for the past month? You don’t know the horrible things I think about when I’m sitting home alone. Are you with her? What were you guys doing? Or maybe, just maybe, you really were with the guys recording. I know for a fact you haven’t recorded this week, because JC and Joey are in New York. You’re a bastard for lying to me, but acting as if I didn’t know? And going on with it for a month?”
“Blayre,” Justin stood up and grasped her arms firmly. He needed her to listen to him. To understand he hadn’t really meant to hurt her. “I know that you’re mad. And you have every right to be. But…you have to hear me out. If you’re going to leave me, you need to know the truth.”
She squinted at him, pulling away from his grip. “So you are having sex with her?”
“No…and yes,” he looked away shamefully. Blayre gave him an incredulous look and folded her arms across her chest. “I have been seeing Madeline, but not…dating or anything. We just talk. She called me about a month ago, crying, saying she needed to tell me things that she’s been holding inside ever since I broke up with her. At first, I resisted. I didn’t want to see her, and have those emotions come flooding back, so I ignored her calls. But I ran into her when I was out with Chris one night, and we went back to her place.”
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” Blayre interjected, still cooling down from her recent outburst.
“Just listen,” he held his hand out in the air, as defense. “She told me she understood why I was angry, and upset at her still. And that it was all her fault. She said she was sorry for causing so much pain, and for making so many mistakes. She admitted that she still missed me, but she understood that I had moved on, and was much happier with you.”
“Do you still love her?” Blayre spoke up again, her voice much softer. She just needed to know, for her own sanity.
Justin sat down next to her, and shrugged. “I’ll always love her. As a person, and as a very old friend. But I don’t love her, the way I love you. But Bee, just let me get everything off my chest…it’ll be better for the both of us… So after we talked, and I told her that I would always love her, but I loved you and had finally moved on, I left. Then we didn’t talk for about another couple weeks, when we ran into each other at that club. That was the night where you were sick and couldn’t come out. Anyway…we were just hanging out with some friends, actually being comfortable around each other. Everyone went back to her house…and one thing led to another, and she kissed me. I don’t know what happened, but I…I just didn’t stop it. Maybe deep inside, I still had feelings for her. But JC quickly interrupted us and told me to go home. He pulled me aside and said I had to tell you, or he would.”
“Why didn’t you?” She didn’t know why she kept asking questions. If anything, she wanted him to stop talking, and try to forget any of this was even happening. It felt as if everything she knew and loved, was being taken away with every word that came out of his mouth.
“At the time, I thought it would be stupid to tell you because it was a stupid kiss that lasted for 30 seconds. I knew you would get mad. So I forgot about it. Then last night, I was in the studio with Pharell, when Madeline called. She was crying for some reason, so I rushed to her house. Her father was in the hospital, and had small chances of coming back. I tried to help her, do anything I could to reassure her everything would be fine. But then we started kissing again, I think she was just really emotional…and things just kept going from there.”
Justin looked over at his girlfriend’s small body that was curled up in the corner of the couch, as if she was trying to get as far away possible from him. Her eyes met his before she spoke, “And you had sex.”
“Almost,” he whispered. “All of a sudden, I realized what I was doing, and it was like I had been another person. I bolted out of there and came back here. But I felt horrible because I had been lying to you about going to her for weeks, and I had been so close to…you know. I couldn’t live with myself if I kept it away from you for any longer.”
“What am I supposed to do, Justin? I can’t…when I look at you, all I see is her all over you. And…it just kills me. It hurts so much,” Blayre stared down at her hands, willing herself not to cry. “Just because you didn’t actually have sex with her, it doesn’t make everything else okay.”
“I know,” he shrugged helplessly. “You don’t have to say anything. It was all a huge mistake; I was an idiot and a bastard for lying to you. But you have to know that I really do love you. It tears me apart that I’ve hurt you.”
Blayre sat quietly, her dark blond hair framing her face. “I have to be alone for a while.” She stood up and quickly left the room, leaving Justin on the couch in his dark studio. He sat there for an hour, his head in his hands, thinking about what had just happened. He had just lost everything in the span of thirty minutes. It amazed him how happy he had been a few weeks ago, and how disgusting he felt now. He didn’t blame his momma for being angry with him. All he knew was that it was going to take a miracle for Blayre to forgive him. He finally got up and went to wash his face, when he saw her standing in the hall, staring at their pictures he had hung up a few days ago.
“I miss this,” she called out when he came out of the bathroom. “Everything was so much simpler.” Justin nodded wordlessly, coming to stand up next to her. The pictures spanned from their first date, to a music gala they had attended in March. She was in his lap or arms in most of them, beaming from ear to ear.
“Do you need help packing?” he mumbled, shuffling his feet nervously. “I can carry some of your stuff to your car.”
Blayre turned to him, her lips curving into a slight smile. There was still sadness in her eyes, but she seemed much more calm. Which was good. “Not just yet. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do.”
“Really?” he looked up hopefully. She was looking at the pictures again.
“What would you do?” Came her reply. Justin looked over at her, confused. If he were honest, he would leave. He would leave and try to forget everything. But that would mean she would be out of his life for good. He could lie, but he’d already lied to her enough.
“I’d leave,” he answered slowly. She nodded slowly before sitting down against the opposite wall, staring up at their pictures. He slid down next to her, wondering what would happen next. “Do you love me?”
Blayre turned to him, unable to stop the small smile from forming on her lips. “Unfortunately…”
“I love you,” he sighed. In a normal argument or situation, he would have leaned over and kissed her cheeks. But he understood she needed her space, and folded his hands across his lap. “Are you going to leave me?” he asked quietly. He didn’t like beating around the bush, when he needed to know what was going to happen in the end.
Blayre left the question unanswered, deciding instead to sit quietly as she thought about her choices. If she left him, she knew she would be devastated. And by the way things looked, Justin would too. But she also knew that would be the smart thing to do. She didn’t like being lied to and betrayed, but she had learned a long time ago that logic didn’t go hand in hand with Justin Timberlake. It was almost as if everything was the opposite with him, simply because she was so completely enamored by him. If she stayed, she didn’t know how long it would take to forgive him, or erase the image she had of him. “I think I just need a break.”
“A break?” he questioned. He brought his knees up to his chest and laid his arms on top of his knees as he looked at her. It was hard to sit so close to her, and not pull her towards him. He wanted to protect her from the pain she was feeling, and the dark sadness in her eyes. The fact that he had put all of that there hurt him even more. He’d gone through the same pain before, but seeing it as a result of his actions was so much different. On top of the pain he felt from seeing her so damaged, was guilt.
“I need space and time,” she mumbled, breaking through his thoughts.
“Okay,” he nodded. That was better than her running out on him. “Are you moving out then…?”
She stood up, and looked down at him. “Maybe I’ll visit the family for awhile.” She turned and started walking up the stairs to pack.
“Is this like…a Ross and Rachel ‘break’?” he suddenly asked as he followed her up the stairs. She couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the question. Leave it to Justin to make a joke right after a huge knot in their relationship. She seriously needed help. Professional help.
“If you’re asking if you can hook up with other girls. The answer’s no.”
Justin shook his head, leaning against the doorframe as she packed a small carry on bag. “Believe me, I’m not touching any other girls for awhile. Except for my momma. Who I should call by the way. She hasn’t talked to me ever since I told her about…Madeline.”
“I always liked your mom,” Blayre called out from the closet. Ten minutes later she was throwing her things into her car and Justin was standing next to her on the driveway.
“Bee, I’m so sorry. I know saying that over and over again doesn’t help. If I could go back and change everything, I would,” he frowned, hoping another apology would make her stay back. He knew he should be happy that she wasn’t yelling and screaming at him. But either way, she was leaving.
“I know,” she sighed. “That’s why this is so hard.”
“When are you coming back?”
Blayre shrugged as she tied her hair up, into a bun. “I don’t know.”
“Call me?” he pouted. She slid into the driver’s seat and shrugged again.
“Maybe,” she mouthed as she started the car. He nodded, understanding her reluctance to be in contact with him. He just hoped she’d forgive him quickly and come back.
“I love you,” he signaled, making a heart with his hands. She smiled sadly as she backed out of the driveway and drove off.
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