Chapter Forty-Five
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance �“ Psalm 42:5
Lance yawned widely as the cafeteria worker handed him two coffees. He thanked her and then began his daily trudge down the hospital corridors.
Three days had passed since Justin’s accident and he still hadn’t woken up. For the members of Justin’s family, blood-related or otherwise, these had been the longest three days of their lives. They had all spent more time in the hospital, doing nothing but praying, waiting and hoping, than they ever wanted to again.
The guys had been staying in shifts; two of them would go back to the hotel to shower and get some sleep, then would come back and let the other two go. Justin’s parents had developed a similar system, though it had taken quite a lot of convincing to get Lynn to leave.
The only person who’d been at the hospital for the entire three days was Rachael. She refused to leave Justin’s side and had very nearly gotten into a brawl with a nurse who’d tried to make her do so. Lynn had spoken with the doctors and convinced them to let Rachael stay with Justin for as long as she pleased, provided she stayed out of their way. So there she sat day and night, only leaving to go to the bathroom or to let Randy or Lynn spend some time alone with their son.
Lance had taken to bringing her food and coffee a couple of times per day for fear she wouldn’t eat otherwise. He was probably right. There wasn’t much she’d leave Justin’s side for and to Lance’s knowledge, she hadn’t even slept in the past three days. How she did it was beyond him; the girl had amazing willpower.
He finally reached Justin’s room and found Rachael sitting in her usual spot in a chair beside his bed. She was leaning on her arm, which was rested on a table by the bed. She was humming softly and as Lance neared, he realized that she was humming “I’ll Walk Beside You,” the song that she and Justin had sung at her 21st birthday party. She glanced at Lance and stopped humming. “Hello, Lancey,” she greeted him softly as he handed her one of the coffees.
“You know, for someone who’s convinced there’s no hope, you sure spend a lot of time here,” Lance commented in reply.
Rachael shrugged. “I guess I just want to be here until the end, even if he doesn’t know it.”
He sighed. “Rach, why are you so convinced he isn’t going to make it? The doctors say he seems to making some progress.”
“I had a dream,” she replied simply.
“A dream?”
She nodded. “The night it happened. I dreamt that I was with Justin and he-he asked if he could hold me one last time. I stood there in his arms and he told me he’d miss me and I said it back. At the time I thought it was just because of the fact that we weren’t speaking, but now…I just know, that’s all. I don’t know how, I just know.” She wiped away the single tear that had fallen from her eye. “And it’s just so unfair! I finally was getting to the point where I felt I could forgive him. I was finally going to give in and allow him back into my life and now I’m just going to lose him for good and I just…I don’t understand why this is happened. It’s not fair at all and I’m babbling now, aren’t I?’
Lance just smiled and looked at her thoughtfully. “Have you talked to him?” he question.
Rachael looked confused. “Who?”
“Justin.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Lancey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he isn’t exactly in the most responsive state of mind right now.”
“You don’t need him to respond, you just need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. I think it’ll make you feel a lot better.”
“Maybe.”
“Just give it a shot. And try to have some more faith, Rach. That’ll help too.” He squeezed her shoulder and stood up, walking out of the room.
Rachael looked at Justin for a moment. Despite the broken bones, bruises, and all the machines, he looked strangely peaceful. “Justin,” she whispered tentatively, as if afraid she’d disturb his slumber. “I guess…I guess I’ve been telling myself you won’t wake up because I want to be prepared for the worst. But the truth is I’m not. I’m not prepared for you to die and I never will be. I have been so miserable with out you the past few months; you know that? I tried to act like I didn’t want you there with me, but the whole time, every time something good happened, I wanted to tell you so you could share my happiness and every time something bad happened, I wanted to tell you so you’d listen to me babble and tell me it was going to be all right. But I couldn’t, J. I couldn’t cause I’m so damn stubborn and I couldn’t admit I missed you. I was so stupid,” she whispered. “So, so stupid. And now, the very thought that I’d have to live my life like that forever, not even having the option of calling you if I want…it scares me so much. No one can understand me like you do, ever. You get me like no one else can. And even though Lance does a pretty good impression of your mind-reading skills, he’ll never be you. No one will ever be you. You’re my best friend.” Tears were cascading down her cheeks now and she laid her head down next to Justin on the bed. “Please don’t leave me, Justin. I need you so much. I can’t handle it if you leave. Please pull through this. I know you can do it, baby. I know you can.”
“Rachael,” a tentative voice in the doorway spoke.
Rachael sat up quickly, looking towards the door to find Jonathan and Stephen standing there looking at her. She wiped her eyes quickly and forced a smile. “Hey, kiddos, how’d you two get in here?”
They walked slowly over to her. “Mom was talking to Lynn and we snuck away. We wanted to see Justin,” Jonathan admitted.
“Oh, she’s going to be so worried when she realizes you’re gone. You shouldn’t have done that,” Rachael scolded slightly. She understood though and the boys both knew she wouldn’t tell them to leave. If she were them she would have wanted to see Justin too.
“Is he dead?” Stephen whispered, his eyes wide.
“No, sweetie, he’s just sleeping,” Rachael replied, pulling him up onto her lap.
“Then why are you crying?”
“Because I want him to wake up.”
“Oh. Did you try shaking him?”
Rachael smiled at his innocence. She wished things could be that simple. “No, it doesn’t work that way, honey.”
“Why not?”
“Because Justin’s in a coma, sweetie. He’s been unconscious for three days and shaking him isn’t going to help.”
“Oh.” Stephen’s face screwed up in confusion. Rachael looked over towards Jonathan, whose face was sheet white. She reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a little squeeze.
“Is he going to wake up?” he asked her fearfully.
Rachael sighed, not sure what to tell him. She decided on the truth; he was old enough to know. “I don’t know,” she replied honestly, trying to stop the tears that were once again forming in her eyes. “No one knows for sure. I hope he will.”
“Do you think if I pray, it’ll help?” Stephen asked earnestly.
“I’m sure it would, Stevie,” she replied.
“Should I kneel?”
“Only if you want to.”
“Do you think it would be okay with God if I just prayed right here in your lap?”
Rachael smiled. “I’m sure it would be perfectly fine with God.”
“Okay. Close your eyes,” he ordered. Rachael and Jonathan obeyed and Stephen shut his own eyes tightly. “Dear God, please wake Justin up, because it makes Rachael sad that he’s asleep and I don’t like seeing her cry. Amen.” He opened one eye and looked at Rachael. “You have to say ‘amen’ too, or it won’t work.”
“Amen,” she whispered softly.
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