Wow. I actually got married. That's insane! That's HUGE! That's. . .that's. . .
I don't even know. I feel great though. Well, part of me does anyway. The other part is the Debby Downer of my wedding day. Somewhere in my mind, a voice of reason was telling me to not go through with this. It was telling me that Ryan wasn't the one. That Justin was.
But that's ridiculous. Justin and I are the best of friends and I foolishly fell in love with him when. . .when I was five. Yeah, I know. What a loser I am, right? I couldn't help it though. He's so amazing, but he so didn't love me back. He doesn't love me back. It hurts because I honestly envisioned this to our wedding. I wanted to grow old with him after we had a zillion kids and lived a life of intense passion. . .
Yet, I knew, even before the celebrity status came along, Justin was just too good for me. A guy like him doesn't settle for a frumpy mess like me. Even when were were younger, he always wanted the best in life. Nothing boring and original. Nothing like me.
But we clicked, for some unknown reason. Our friendship was right for all the wrong reasons and it kept things interesting. We could be fighting and I'd still have the time of my life because he's so damn stubborn that it never seems to end. But I love him for it. I love everything about him. I love his smile. I love his touch. I love the way he treats his mama and I love the way he can stand in front of the world and never let his nerves get the best of him. I just love. . .him.
"Hey, sweet thang," I hear Justin say in a pimp-like tone that causes me to giggle, "Can I have this dance?" I watch as his hand opens up to grasp mine. I accept his gesture and laugh as he pulls me into his arms.
You give your hand to me
Then you say hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
I can't believe he still manages to make my heart flutter. It's amazing how much someone can effect you without them noticing. He doesn't know how I feel about him and I choose to keep it that way. Everybody else knew at some point in time that I had a small crush on him, but they all suspect that my feelings are gone. Especially now that Ryan's in my life.
They're wrong.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me
I've kind of kept this to myself. My big secret, I guess. I know that Ryan would be devestated if he ever found out about my feelings. I promised him that Justin and I were simply platonic and that I only had eyes for him. Lies. All lies.
I know that my heart only beats ten times faster when Justin touches me. I know that his sweet smell is the only one that gets my senses on overdrive. I know that we belong together. . . in my own little world, that is.
No, you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Reality is a different story. Reality lets me know that my true feelings are better off dead and buried because it won't change the way he looks at me.
Oh I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me
So, I guess I sort of settled for Ryan. He was a safe bet. I knew for a fact he loved me and would give me a stable life. Justin couldn't give me that. Justin didn't love me.
Not that I bothered to ask. I mean, how would you go about something like that? 'Hey, Jay, do you love me? Like you loved Britney and Cameron?'
How awkward would that be? What if he laughs in my face and ask if I'm joking? I can't put myself through something like that. But it doesn't matter now. I'm a married woman.
Afraid and shy
I've let my chance to go by
The chance that you might
Love me, too
God, look at me. I've been married for a second and I'm already having lustful thoughts about my best friend.
"You alright?" Justin asked as his arms encircled my waist. I nod and drape my arms over his broad shoulders. He stares down at me for a moment and a small smile curls the corners of his lips. I can see a bit of his teeth behind his little pink lips.
I blush the moment my eyes shoot up in time to catch him noticing my staring and Justin chuckles. His throaty laugh sends vibrations through my chest and my stomach knots.
"Sorry," I said lamely, "I just saw your teeth. . ." He raises a brow before one of his hands self-consciously covers up his mouth.
"Is there something in my teeth?" His muffled question cause me to laugh as I reach up and remove his hand.
"No, I was just- nevermind." I mumbled as Justin smiles brightly. I think he gets a rise out of embarrassing me.
"You look really beautiful, Gab," he compliments softly, "Ryan's really lucky." Damn, there goes that blush again.
"He's lucky today," I laugh, "Once the honeymoon is over, sweat pants and t-shirts all the way." Justin laughs and hugs me. We sway back and forth, completely off beat and not really caring.
"You are a trip, Gabby," Justin says. I can practically hear the smile in his tone, "One reason why I love you." I hold in a disappointed whimper as my hand rans up his neck and rest in his soft brown curls. My chin finds a spot on his shoulder as I hold him tighter. Even Ryan doesn't feel this good in my arms. It was like he was meant to be there.
"I love you too, Jay." I meant those words with every fiber of my being, but he'll never know that. I'm too much of a punk to tell him.
You'll never never know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me
The song ends and we pull apart. Ryan is by my side and before I can respond, he's pulling me over to the center of the dance floor. I look over my shoulder and smile at Justin. He waves at me with a broad grin as the crowd slowly forms a circle around Ryan and I. The smooth beats of Norah Jones flows from the speakers and Ryan gently embraces me. I melt into his arms and sway to the music. Photos are being taken as we rotate in a small circle and he snuggles closer to me.
This is suppose to be our moment. This is suppose to be our song. This was suppose to be the most incredible day of my life. A whole new beginning to a beautiful marriage. But it was also a sad day. A day where a part of me died when I realize that this isn't exactly right.
I wanted to push those negative feelings into some abyss as the song came to an end and Ryan stared lovingly into my eyes. This man was the suppose to be the love of my life. I promised him forever and I intented to keep that promise.
But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help but think. . .
He should've been Justin.
