They say 'you never know what you have until it's gone', and up until this point i've never really understood what that meant. I never knew what it meant to love someone so much, that when they left you you were just totally devastated. That loving them and having them love you back was your reason for living. They also say you 'learn to take things that mean the most to you for granted.' I just never understood what all of that meant ..
Toss and turn ..it's so hard for me to sleep
I guess i'm not used to being alone ..yeah
But as i'm rolling over to the other side of my bed, feeling the coolness of the sheets, missing the one thing that's ever made sense in my life ...
It all makes sense.
I never had to deal with love. As I turn to the ceiling, fixated on a small drop of paint, that failed to dry the way the rest of it did, I realize I never even had the chance to fall in love. I'm Justin Timberlake, so going to the movies and bumping into someone that I connect with instantly has never happened to me. Strolling into walmart, and picking up a particular type of soda the same time a lady that peaks my interest decides to do the same, has never crossed my way. Until ..
Her ..that is.
Of course, i've had dozens of girlfriends. I've had your chozen celebrity girlfriends ..which included the oh so faithful Britney Spears, and the ever so intelligent Cameron Diaz. I've even had your girl next door "normy" type girlfriends. Pick one ..Veronica, Shawntelle, Elizabeth ..the list goes on. Britney and Cameron were more for publicity then anything else. And behind closed doors there was nothing more than kissing and alittle bit of action happening. There were no late night talks until the wee hours of the morning. There were no lounging around in sweats, watching cheesy ass movies that only girls like to watch. There were no walking in the park late at night, hand in hand, whispering 'I love you's' ..and talking about forever.
Britney ended up cheating on me. If you can even call it that. But part of me was hurt, I guess the part of me that considered her an actual friend. The part of me that couldn't believe that she'd even do that to me. I kind of thought I knew her ..but when celebrityizm (not that that's a word) comes into the picture things change, people change. The same ol' Brit that I grew up with vanished somewhere down the road. From then to now, she's changed into something completely different. I never expected that to happen with her. Though I never really considered her an actual girlfriend, she was a close friend of mine, and in my own little way I had love for her. But years of being around her, and seeing how she treated everyone around her INCLUDING her fans, the act got old quickly. Of course she thought she was hiding it from me. She was a different Britney to me than to everyone else. But I caught on fast. Then the bullshit hit the fan, and I smelt it quickly. And I let her go.
Cameron was awhole different story. I actually did to her what Britney did to me. And though I never considered Cameron anything more than a chick on my arm, I think she might've had strong feelings for me. But like I said fame changes people, and somewhere along the lines it changed me, too. I was always the faithful person, never thinking to cheat on anyone. And here I was cheating on Cameron every chance I got. She was so ..clingy. I felt caged in, like I had no air to breathe with her around. She suspected that I cheated on her, and even confronted me a few times. I dismissed all of the accusations, and she believed me like a "loving girlfriend" would do. But alittle too soon after she actually caught me in the act. And then the gig was up, there was no lying after that. I told her the honest truth, how I had sometimes 2 different girls in my bed a night. She cried her eyes out, the most emotional i've ever seen her. To say I was uncomfortable would be an understatement. She begged, Cameron Diaz, begged me to stay with her. But after my shit came out of the closet, there was no point in holding on to her any longer. And I let her go.
The "normy" girlfriend's ..I don't think I had any real feelings for them. They were just girls who had no idea about the business, had nothing to do with the business, and had legs that could be open as long as need be. Yeah, I sound like a dick ..and at the time I was. I guess I used them for comfort. I hate to be alone ..I need someone to physically be with me. Or then again I feel caged in. Which I guess you could say is ironic. But eventually ..shit got so messed up, I was drinking every night, screwing three or four times a night, and once I even did cocaine. That's when it all stopped. The "girlfriends", the late night partying, the socializing. I ended up staying in my house for months without a word from the outside. Growing my hair out, and even a fucking beard! I was looking like fucking Grizzily Adams or some shit.
Then I met her. Haysia Mindheart. Everything about this girl was unique, even her name. I'd never heard anything like it before, but to be fair i'd never met someone like her. She came in and changed everything around. I expressed feelings for her that I never knew that I could feel. That I never had felt up until that point. She was unlike all of the other girls. I stopped the bullshit, and treated her like the queen she was. I bought her everything she could ever asked for, and spent all of my waking moments with her. Every free chance I got it was spent with her. My whole world revolved around her. But like all good things ..I had to screw it up.
And I know that it's because of me
And i'm tryin' to face this reality
I'm competely possessive of everything. My cars, my houses, my women. Or my woman, considering i've never felt so possessive in my life over a woman that wasn't my momma. I knew Haysia had guy friends, but it was this one dude, that just rubbed me the wrong way. Shit, she started BLOWING me off for this faggot. I just didn't understand it. I had friends too, even girls that were my friends. But I never thought to blow Haysia off for any of them. I didn't blow Haysia off for my momma. And some of ya'll made not understand the magnitude of that, but believe me it's un fucking believeable. She said something along the lines of "J, he's my bestfriend. He's always been there for me, through EVERYTHING. I need time for him too."
Past relations they've made me
Into this man that I am
She was my girl, and I loved her to death so I was cool with it. It was until she was spending TOO much time with him that it was working on my nerves. She spent nights over that pricks house. We'd all have dinner together, and she'd smile at him, and he'd smirk at me. And I guess I let my imagination get the best of me. I never had proof that she was cheating on me with him, but I had enough information to fill in the blanks myself. He started calling my fucking house at odd hours of the night needing to see her, and she'd pull on a pair of pants and be out the door, just like that. At that point in time I didn't need any proof, I was devastated. My mind overworks itself, and yeah ...I went bezerk. I guess all of my dirty deeds were playing around with me. If I could cheat, she could cheat.
Knowing now that it's wrong
It's too late 'cuz she's gone
I set her up to see me fucking her BESTFRIEND Kristina.
I know what you're thinking ..i'm a bastard, dick, asshole,dickwad, shitface ..whatever you're thinking is pretty much what she yelled at me. But Kristina had been feeling me for awhile, I could tell. It was all too easy, i'm guessing she wasn't Haysia's bestfriend as she claimed to be. But when Haysia caught me with Kristina ..I can't explain it, but her face ..and her reaction, told me that I had made a huge mistake. You can apologize a million times over, but when you do shit like that, there's no turning back, and there's no forgiving.
It took her no time at all to pack ALL of her things, she even apologized for leading me to believe that she'd ever cheat on me. She of course said that I never trusted her, and after this she could never trust me. And a relationship is built on a foundation of trust, and we apparently had none from the get go. I begged to her, got on my hands and knees, wrapped my arms around her trying to stop her from leaving. But in the end ..she did leave. And I was ..again ..left alone.
Gone ...Gone ..Gone
Don't think she's ever coming back
I move to my side, hugging what was once her pillow to my body, sniffing it. I know it's insane, but after 5 months I can still smell her Vanilla Sugar perfume on the sheets. Even after I had washed them about 500 times since then ..I can still smell her. I can still feel her. I can still feel her hands yanking my arms from around her waist. I can still hear the door slamming behind her, rattling everything in the house.
It's killing me that I let her heart down completely
I should've gave her all of me
I can feel my eyes fill up with unshed tears. But I refuse to cry, after all I have no reason to. I did this, I brung this amongst myself. I hurt her, and she's the only one that has the right to cry.
She's gone ...
Gone ..Gone ..Gone
She ain't even thinkin' bout me honestly
Being strong to carry on aint easy
Gotta face it ..she's Gone ..Gone
In all honesty, I doubt she's even thinking about me right now. Not that she should, I don't deserve for her to even remember my name. For her sake I hope she did forget about me. I could not live with myself knowing she's going through the same kind of pain I am.
I sit up removing the covers as I do so. I shiver as the cold climate hits my bare chest. I look outside, it's light outside. So, I expect it to be early in the morning. But when I turn to my digital clock, I frown as the bright lights inform me it's late in the afternoon. This is how it's been for months. I go to bed late at night, and I wake up even later. I sigh, and stand up, scratching my stomach in the process. I don't even bother to make the bed.
I walk to the kitchen, and bend down into the fridge, I don't even know when the last time I made an attempt at getting some food in the house. I groan, because there's no milk. I have tons of cereal, and there's no way i'm eating it dry. Have you ever tried that shit? It just doesn't satisifies me the same. I see an old wifebeater on the floor ...who knows the last time I even TRIED to do the laundry. That's what she did, not that I asked her, she volunteered. She liked doing that type of shit, plus she didn't want me runnin' around looking "raggady". I throw that old wifebeater on, grab my keys, and for the first time since she left set one foot out the door.
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As I make my way through the tiny convient store, I ignore the stares that make my way. I guess i'd stare at me, too. Hell, I look like hell ran over twice. Not to mention I probably don't smell all that great. The first hard decision in months that I have to make. Whole or 2%? Well, on one hand ..2% is more healthy. But whole milk is creamier. I feel that 2% milk is just whole milk watered down.
I grab a half gallon of milk, I turn to make my way down the aisle to check out, but I hear a giggle. Not just any giggle, HER giggle. I've had many of this delusions, so I try telling myself it's just my mind missing her too much, but when I hear it again i'm 100 % sure it's Haysia. I nervously make my way down the aisle I last heard her. I see her running, and some dude chasing her down the aisle. We used to do shit like that. She just always had this child like innocence about her. I laugh, as she giggles again. I remember how it felt to be that carefree with her. All my worries would just disappear whenever I was around her.
At this point in time i'm very aware of my appearance. So, I try to leave without much notice, not wanting to disturb her. And definitely not wanting her to see me at my lowest. But I turn too swiftly and bump into a Little Debbies display case and knock the whole thing over. My first instinct is to make a mad dash for the check out line. But that's not really the mature thing to do.
"Justin?" I hear her say. I close my eyes, mentally preparing myself for our first meeting in months. I turn to look at her, surprised to see the guy had disappeared somewhere. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. She walks over me, and I notice the frown she's holding, while looking me over. "Justin .." She says in more of a sympathetic tone this time.
"You look good, Haysia." Was that my voice? It surely sounded like me, but I can't believe that, that came out of my mouth.
"I wish I could say the same thing about you." She said it in more of a caring way, than trying to be a smart ass. "How have you been?" She asked, truly concerned.
I shrug my shoulders then said honestly, "I miss you." I see her body tense up in an uncomfortable fasion. "Do you miss me, Hay?" I needed something to go off of. I needed one piece of relief from her.
"Yeah, I miss you, Justin." She looks everywhere but at me. And I can't help but think that she's just saying it to humor me. And it breaks my heart even more if that's possible.
"I guess I better go," My voice cracks out, I make my way past her. I buy my milk and make my way to the car. I sit there for God knows how long just staring out the window. She might as well have ripped my heart out of my chest and kept it. It felt like she had done so anyway. I drive dangerously fast to my house, even alittle surprised that I made it there so quickly.
This house is cold ..it's like doing time in the pen
Wondering where she is, and who she's with ..yeah
I step inside the house, I look around, it's so big and lonely in here by myself. Atleast I had someone to share that with when she was around. I close the door, and slide down it, resting my head on my knees. She had finally moved on ...without me. I dunno the dude she was with, but I hate, admire, envy him all the same.
But the hardest thing is there's noone else to blame ... but me
So I guess i'ma have to take it like a man
But I don't know If i'll ever love again ..yeah ..yeah
I haven't moved on yet, that's apparent. I don't think I ever will. She was my everything, my soulmate if you will. And I don't even believe in fate ..I just believe that things happen day to day. But she gave me a reason to believe she was my destiny. There's noone else out there for me. I won't go back to my old lifestyle, because I still have a need to please her. And even though she's not here, I know she'd be disappointed. How can I take it like a man ..when every moment i'm awake I break down even more. Everytime I wake up ..I lose more of myself. I hate myself alittle bit more, and it's becoming unbearable trying to live with myself.
Cuz this pain i'm feeling inside is like a hollow point through my heart
I know that it's kinda crazy but I feel like i'm falling apart
I don't pretend to myself or anyone else that i'm hurting. That everyday I have to breathe, i'm further inpaling my heart with a knife. I can't and won't feel for anbody else but her. I don't think my heart even knows how to feel anything but pain now.
Usually i'm so cool, but I lost it when she walked away
Lost without her ..and she's gone
I stand up, I run a hand over my face, surprised to feel that this whole time I have been crying. So much for taking it like a man, huh? Disgusted with myself I don't even have the appetite I had earlier. I look down at the gallon of milk I set down earlier. Lifting it up I throw it against the wall with all the force I have, the cap comes off, and the liquid splashes all over my hardwood floor.
Without some kind of intervention
I can't go on another day ..oh
I walk over to my stand, it has all of this glass shit, knick knacks and all of that. Haysia loved shit like that. She begged me to start collecting them and keeping them in the house. My arm slid across the first shelf, tumbling the knick knacks to the floor, breaking instantly. That wasn't enough for me, I took one in my hand and threw it against the wall, enjoying the sound of the impact. I did this several times before there were nomore.
Gone ...Gone ..Gone
Don't think she's ever coming back
Those were possibly the only things left in the house that actually reminded me of her. That she had something to do with. Realizing I broke the only things that connected me with her, I fell to the grown dramatically, curling into a ball, and bawling my eyes out. I wipe away the tears one by one, as they try to make their way down my face. I hate crying, it makes me feel like a bitch. But it's becoming an everyday routine with me.
That I let her heart down completely
I should've gave her all of me
She's gone ...
Gone ..Gone ..Gone
She ain't even thinkin' bout me honestly (she forgot all about me)
Being strong to carry on aint easy
As I lay there thinking about our earlier encounter, invisioning her face as she notices it was me. It was like she was looking at a stranger. She never expected to run into me ever again. Though i've dreamt about running into her. I visioned us making up ..I mean, I didn't think she'd run into my arms, expressing her undying love to me. But part of me thought she'd never move on. Wishful thinking, I guess you could say.
Gone ..Gone ..Gone
Don't think she's ever coming back
She ain't comin back to me nomore ..
Pretending that I can carry on without her isn't easy. And so far I haven't been pretending all that well. Though i've seen her with someone else, and my mind registers that she's moved on, my mind listens to logic. But my heart won't believe that she doesn't need us anymore. So ..here's a question ..
How do I make my heart realize that she's not coming back?
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Lyrics -- Gone --*Frankie J*
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