Chapter Thirteen
The silence in Trace’s car was almost eerie as he drove down the dark Millington streets on the way to his own party. The other occupants of the car-Gaby, Hollie, Rachael and Justin-had all been talking quite animatedly to each other when they’d first started driving, discussing the show and the girls congratulating Justin on a job well done. But now they were all utterly silent. It wasn’t something that one often heard from this particular group of people. Glancing in his rearview mirror, he saw that Rachael was squished in between Hollie and Justin and was looking quite uncomfortable about the situation. She’d actually been unusually quiet the entire trip, not saying much other than a quick, “Good job,” to Justin. He could tell that Justin had taken notice of this odd behavior by the slight frown that had settled over his features. He was also pretty sure that he knew what had caused Rachael’s surliness. Being an intelligent girl, she had probably suspected that Justin’s last song was about her. And she was right. If Trace were to be honest with his friends, which wasn’t on his to-do list in the near future, he’d say that the very reason he’d convinced Justin to sing the song was because he knew Rachael would figure it out. Granted, Justin hadn’t actually admitted to him, or anyone else, that the song was about her, but anyone with half a brain cell could figure it out. And Rachael certainly had more than half a brain cell. What he’d hoped to accomplish through this wasn’t exactly clear and judging by the obvious discomfort between the two friends, he wasn’t sure it had been the best idea. But what’s done is done.
“Don’t all talk at once now,” Gaby joked weakly, trying to get someone to say something. She, like her boyfriend, had an inkling as to what the awkward silence was about, and she was really quite annoyed with him for purposely inducing such behavior. He should have asked her advice before going and convincing Justin to ruin his life. Then he would have realized what a moron he was.
“So, um…this party is going to be awesome!” Hollie joined into her friend’s efforts. “And look, here we are now, so let’s all go have a good time!” she added as they pulled into Trace’s driveway. Some of Trace’s friends had already come over to get things set up and get the party started and the music was audible even from the driveway. Rachael and Justin both got out of the car silently and headed into the house while the others hung back and exchanged knowing looks. “Trace, tell me, why are you an idiot?” Hollie asked. “Because I’d really like to know.”
“I’m not an idiot!” the idiot in question replied defensively.
“Actually, yeah you are,” Gaby agreed with a nod.
“Why am I an idiot?”
Both girls rolled their eyes. “You know full well why you’re an idiot. You coerced Justin into pouring his heart out to an entire stadium when you knew that Rachael would get uncomfortable. Now they’re not going to talk to each other all night, and they’ll both be miserable. Good job,” Gaby replied, smacking him upside the head before heading into the house.
“I just thought it would be a good idea for him to get his feelings out so he could stop thinking about her, that’s all.”
“Yeah, because that’s a really good idea when the person you’re trying to forget about is watching,” Hollie stated sarcastically.
“Wait, how do you two even know this? You haven’t even been around them lately.”
“Trace, we’re women. When will you learn that we know all?” Hollie continued in a longsuffering sort of voice before following Gaby’s example and making her way into the party.
***
Rachael stared up at the sky, sipping silently on her beer. If it weren’t for the obnoxiously loud music floating from the house, it would have probably been a very peaceful night. It was cold, but not too cold, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. She knew that she should probably be inside mingling with the guests at Trace’s party, but she wasn’t in much of a mood for other people. What she really wanted was to be at home in bed, or watching Times Square on television with her mom, but she felt an obligation to be at the party and so she was. It was ironic, really, considering that she’d actually been looking forward to hanging out with people, but then she was feeling entirely different than she’d expected to. Confused was how she was feeling. She should have expected it of course. Every time she’d start to feel like a normal human being again, Justin would go and do something incredibly stupid like sing songs that were clearly not about Britney and make her all self conscious and uncomfortable. And it didn’t help her mood much that Lance had called earlier and while they’d had a fairly normal conversation, she’d been slightly distracted and she knew he could sense it. She felt bad that she was such a flake with him, but he was just another complicated part of her life that she did not feel like dealing with at the moment.
“You okay?” a voice came from behind her. She turned to see Hollie and Gaby standing on the porch behind her. It was Gaby who’d spoken. Rachael nodded and forced a smile.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied as her two friends sat down on either side of her. “But boys are for the dogs, you know?”
“Oh believe me, I know,” Hollie replied with a snort. “If I ever meet a guy who isn’t either gay, married, or a complete asshole, I think I’ll die of shock. Then it won’t matter that I finally met him because I’ll be dead.”
“You and JC seemed to be hitting it off pretty well,” Gaby intervened with a grin.
“It’s cause she has the hots for him,” Rachael informed her friend in a pronounced whisper. They both giggled as Hollie glared at them.
“We’re talking about Rachael now. Focus.”
“Let’s not talk about me,” Rachael suggested with a roll of her eyes before taking another swig of her beer.
“I thought you didn’t drink,” Gaby observed with a frown.
“I don’t. Leave me alone.”
“Wow, this is worse than I thought,” Hollie muttered. “What’s wrong, Rach? Seriously.”
“Men are what’s wrong. They’re stupid and pig-headed and self-centered and confusing and I hate them. I want them all to die painful deaths, preferably involving decapitations performed by myself.”
“Apparently alcohol gives you violent tendencies,” the blonde observed and all three girls giggled the giggle of women who’d already had a good amount to drink.
“I’m just pissed off is all. Pissed off and confused and I don’t know why, so I just want to forget about it for once. For once I just want to pretend like all of my relationships are simple and don’t involve stupid people confusing them. Is that so much to ask?”
“Yeah, kind of,” Gaby replied. “But I suppose we can let you do it.”
“Well, listen,” Hollie continued. “Justin, who I’m assuming is one of said stupid people, just left to go stop by his family’s New Year’s party and he won’t be back for a while. So why don’t you come back inside with us and we’ll have some fun, huh?”
“Yeah!” Gaby encouraged with a nod. “We’ll get drunk and dance and sing and pretend stupid boys don’t even exist!”
Rachael laughed. “Sounds like a plan. You guys rock, you know that?”
“We know,” both girls replied in unison.
***
Justin whistled to himself quietly as he walked down the street he’d lived on for most of his life. He’d stopped by his house for about an hour to see what was up with the Harless family New Year’s Eve party, and was now on his way back to Trace’s. It was an oddly quiet night, considering all of the partying that was probably going on. But then most of the houses were set a ways back from the road, keeping all of the noise their residents were undoubtedly creating pretty much self-contained.
He was actually feeling quite glad to be all alone for a little while. Immediately following the concert, he’d showered quickly on the bus then driven to Trace’s with his buddy and “the girls” as they’d always called Hollie, Rachael and Gaby. That drive had been one of the most awkward half hours that he’d spent in his entire 22, almost 23, years. Rachael had sat in between himself and Hollie and had spent the entire ride doing her best to avoid eye contact with him, barely saying two words to him. He inwardly cursed himself for letting Trace talk him into singing that song for the encore. He should have known Rachael would figure out it was about her and that she wouldn’t be happy about it. After how happy he’d been about how normal she was acting before the concert, he had to screw it up. It seemed to be his lot in life for the past year or so. Patch things up with his best friend, and then screw them up again. He longed desperately for their childhood when nothing was more complicated than whether they wanted to play basketball or go play in the woods. He was tired of going back and forth between talking and not talking, comfort and awkwardness, friends and not friends. He was tired of trying to decipher his feelings for Rachael, and even more tired of trying to figure out what she wanted from him.
As he reached Trace’s house, he could hear the music blaring inside and the voices talking and laughing loudly. It was well after midnight and the party was still going strong. He smiled as he thought about last New Year’s Eve. The night Britney had broken up with him, and he’d then proceeded to make out with Rachael. He couldn’t help wondering how different things would be now if he hadn’t done that. If he’d just kept his feelings inside and been content with their friendship instead of pushing for more. Would he still be this confused?
Justin pushed the front door open and surveyed the scene in the house. Trace and Gaby were barely visible as they made out in a corner, Hollie was perched on the dining room table grinning flirtatiously and talking to JC and the living room was full of bodies dancing and flailing their arms wildly. He finally spotted the person he was looking for, grinding with a tall blonde man who looked all too familiar.
“Hi, Justin!” Rachael exclaimed brightly as he approached her and her dance partner on the floor. Apparently the alcohol had made her forget that she was feeling angry and confused. “You remember Adam, don’t you?”
“Adam? You mean the Adam you dated in high school? The one that dumped you right before prom?” Justin questioned, looking between his best friend and her ex with a confused expression on his face.
Rachael frowned. “Yeah. I’d forgotten all about that! Oh well! That was, like, decades ago! All over now! Adam happens to be a great dancer!”
“I am,” Adam agreed, chuckling. “I am a great dancer.”
Justin was just staring at Rachael incredulously. “Rach…are you drunk?” He had never seen his best friend drunk, or even buzzed, but he was pretty sure she was. There was no other way to explain her behavior. He himself had only had two drinks all night, and was feeling that this situation was a little backwards.
Rachael giggled. “No, silly! I don’t drink! Well…maybe I had this much!” She demonstrated how much by holding her thumb and index finger about half an inch apart and erupting into a fit of giggles. She held onto Adam for support as he guffawed heartily. Justin just stared at them. It was like some sort of bizarre alternate universe.
“How much is ‘this much’?”
“Um…” Rachael bit her lip, obviously trying very hard to remember. “I think I had three beers, four Smirnoffs, some other bottle of something and a couple of shots of something else. OH! Jell-O shots! Dude, have you had Jell-O shots? Those are good!”
“Holy shit,” Justin muttered faintly. No wonder she seemed so wasted.
“Adam is also a really good kisser,” Rachael continued. “Did you know that? I totally forgot he was a great kisser!”
“I am. I am a good kisser,” Adam nodded fervently.
Justin’s jaw dropped. “Right. Okay. Rach, I think it’s time for me to take you home.”
“No, I don’t want to go home! I’m having fun! Adam and I were gonna go look at the bedrooms upstairs. He says they have pretty wallpaper. Do you want to come see wallpaper?”
“No, Rach, I think you’re gonna have to skip the wallpaper this time. Come on.” Wallpaper? Was she serious? Had his beautiful, intelligent Rachael actually fallen for a line as lame as “let’s go upstairs and look at the pretty wallpaper?” He obviously needed to get her out of there before she did something really stupid.
“No!” she replied forcefully.
“Yes!” he insisted, grabbing her wrist and trying to pull her along with him.
“No!”
“Yes!” People were beginning to stare but neither of them really cared.
“You suck!” Rachael exclaimed, sticking her tongue out at him and folding her arms defiantly.
“Maybe so, but I’m taking you home. You’ll thank me later. Trust me.” Without warning, he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder, making his way towards the door as she kicked and screamed for him to put her down.
“You suck,” she whined.
“Bye, Rach!” Justin could hear Adam calling after her as they walked out the door, and he didn’t let her down until they were safely a block away. She immediately tripped and fell over her own feet.
“Ow,” she stated simply before struggling to get back up. Justin offered her his hand and she took it reluctantly, allowing him to pull her up off the ground. “Why did we have to leave?” she questioned, leaning against him for support as she staggered down the street.
“Because you were about to do something really dumb with that Adam guy,” Justin replied patiently.
“Was not. We were just gonna look at wallpaper.”
“Rach, I know you’re drunk, but try not to be so brain-dead, huh?”
“I’m not drunk!” she protested, her words slurring together as she tripped again, this time not falling due to Justin catching her at the last minute.
“Yeah, okay. You’re not drunk and I’m the Queen of England.”
Rachael giggled. “No you’re not.”
“Exactly. Okay, here we are. Up the steps!” he ordered and the woman beside him shook her head.
“Can’t do stairs.”
Justin sighed. “Fine, fine.” He picked her up and carried her up the stairs, grabbed the spare key off the top of the doorframe and unlocked the door, carrying her inside the house. “Is your mom home?” he asked her and Rachael shook her head, yawning softly. Her eyes were beginning to droop.
“No, momma’s spending the night at Uncle Ronan’s,” she replied sleepily as her head fell onto his shoulder.
“Okay.” He carried her up the stairs and into her bedroom, setting her down on the bed. “Now you get some sleep. You’re gonna have a hell of a hangover tomorrow,” he instructed, watching her struggle to remove her boots.
Rachael pouted at him. “Can’t get my boots off.” Justin sighed what must have been the twentieth sigh in the past ten minutes and knelt down to help her remove her boots. A smile spread over Rachael’s face as he unzipped one and pulled it off, then moved onto the other. “You’re cute,” she informed him and Justin rolled his eyes.
“Wow, you really are drunk.”
“Am not, you’re just cute,” she replied, pulling her sweater off over her head to reveal a white tank top.
“Fine, have it your way.” He threw her second boot across the room, then sat down beside her on the bed and looked her in the eye. “Do you want me to stay here tonight so you aren’t alone, or are you okay?” he questioned, trying to ignore the fact that she was leaning into him and running her finger down the side of his face flirtatiously. She smiled.
“I want you to stay,” she whispered in his ear in what was clearly intended to be a seductive tone.
“Okay,” Justin replied, taking a deep breath. He was trying not think about the fact that her breath on his ear sent shivers up his spine and the way she was touching him…he didn’t even want to think about the way she was touching him. “Well, I’m just gonna…go…”
“I want to kiss you,” Rachael informed him matter-of-factly before he had a chance to stand up.
“Well, I don’t think that’s such a good-“ his sentence was cut off by Rachael pressing her lips against his. “Idea,” he finished breathlessly. Against his better judgment, he allowed her to kiss him again and found himself kissing her back as she slowly lay down and brought him with her.
“Stay,” she whispered, running a hand through his hair and he responded by initiating another kiss, this time deeper and more passionate. His hands slowly began to work their way up her shirt, caressing the skin of her stomach. His kisses trailed down to her neck and as she moaned his name softly, Justin broke away quickly and sat up.
“I-I can’t do this,” he stammered and Rachael frowned at him.
“What?” she questioned.
“I can’t let this happen. It’s wrong, Rach. You don’t know what you’re doing, I can’t take advantage of that.”
“I know what I’m doing,” she replied, rolling her eyes and sitting up. “Now come on.” She ran her hand up his back and rested her chin on his shoulder. “Don’t you want to?”
Justin closed his eyes, doing his best to block out the sensations that her touch caused him. He knew he had to do the right thing, no matter what he wanted. He couldn’t take advantage of her. He’d hate himself forever. “Yes, I do. God, I want to. But I can’t.” He stood up. “You don’t want to lose your virginity like this, and I don’t want to take advantage of you being wasted. I care about you too much.” Rachael gave him a disgusted look.
“Jesus tap dancing Christ, why do we have to think so deeply about all of our choices all the time? Why does it have to be so complicated? Can’t we just have some fucking fun for once?” She immediately erupted into a fit of giggles when she realized her unintended pun. “Ha! Get it? Fucking fun! Hahaha!” Justin just rolled his eyes and headed out of the room.
“Goodnight, Rach,” he said and shut the door quietly behind him.
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