Chapter Twenty
By normal standards, Justin should have been in a state of bliss as he sat on his bed the morning after his birthday. After all, the night before he had shared what was quite possibly the most amazing kiss in the history of kisses with the one woman he wanted more than anyone else. One kiss had turned into two, two had turned into three, and when she finally ended it there was no freaking out or screaming about how stupid he was, just a simple, "Goodnight Justin," before she retreated to one of his many guest rooms. Anyone else would have been ecstatic and thought he was finally getting what he wanted. The way she had earnestly kissed him back should have been a very good sign. But Justin knew Rachael better than anyone else knew her, and as much as he wanted to think there was no way she could deny the connection that had been between them or say they shouldn't be together, he was well aware of the fact that Rachael Jacques could deny anything she felt like denying. He also knew that leaving her alone to mull it over all morning was not a good idea as she would undoubtedly spend all that time working up a number of good reasons for denying it. He could only hope that when he went to talk to her about it, as he was currently psyching himself up to do, she would surprise him and admit she felt the way he felt.
As he walked down the hall towards the room she was in, he was less than comforted by the fact that there was angry chick rock seeping through the door in the form of Alanis Morrissette's "You Oughta Know." This meant that she had not only been awake for a while but that she may very well be pissed off at him. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door.
"Come in!" she called and turned down the music as he entered.
“Hey,” Justin greeted her quietly, completely thrown off by the fact that she had obviously just gotten out of the shower and was wearing nothing but a towel. She’d pulled her still wet hair up into a high ponytail, exposing her shoulders completely. The skin of her shoulders looked exceptionally soft and Justin wanted nothing more than to just touch her and hold her and he really needed to stop staring at her before she got uncomfortable. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you weren’t dressed.”
“Hey,” she replied with a smile. Well that was good. She at least looked happy to see him. “It’s okay. What do you need?”
“I, uh…I need to talk to you.” Rachael was clearly trying to appear as though she wasn’t anticipating an awkward conversation or that she didn’t know what it was he needed to talk about, but Justin had no doubt that she knew exactly why he was there.
“Okay, just give me a second to put some clothes on,” she replied with a nod.
“Sure.” He sat down on the bed as she grabbed some clothes from her suitcase and headed back into the bathroom. He was hoping with every fiber of his being that this conversation would go well. There was no way she could say she didn’t feel the same way he did, he was sure of it. Not after last night. Or so he told himself.
It seemed like merely seconds before Rachael returned wearing jeans and an SFSU t-shirt. “So what do you need to talk about?” she inquired. Justin couldn’t help noticing that she didn’t sit down next to him, but stayed standing up instead.
“I think you know,” he replied softly.
“Justin,” she sighed. Uh oh. He knew that “Justin.” That wasn’t a good “Justin.” That was her way of saying, “I know what you’re about to say and I don’t like it so please stop talking before I have to stomp all over your heart, self esteem, and any pride you may have left.”
“We need to talk about it, Rach. We can’t just walk around pretending nothing happened last night.”
She shrugged. “What’s to talk about? You'd been drinking and-“
“That’s not what it was and you know it!” Justin cut her off immediately.
“No, I don’t know it! What else am I supposed to think?”
“You have got to be kidding me!”
“Do I?” She was standing with her arms folded defensively now and Justin stood up so that he could be closer to her eye level.
“That was way more than a drunken kiss, Rachael, don’t pretend it wasn’t. Do you honestly mean to tell me that you didn’t feel what I felt?” Rachael immediately began fidgeting and avoiding eye contact and he knew he’d struck a nerve.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied softly. Justin raised an eyebrow.
“I’m talking about the same feeling that I got that time when we were 16. And last Christmas Eve. And last New Year’s. And that night on the roof. And the day that Wade caught us together.” He purposely omitted this past New Year’s Eve. No reason to bring it up now and make the situation even more awkward. “That feeling that this is the person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life and you never, ever want to stop kissing them. That feeling that makes your knees go weak and your head spin. That feeling. Know what I’m talking about now?”
“Justin…” her voice trailed off as she sat down on the bed to avoid looking at him. He turned around so that he could still face her.
“Tell me you don’t feel it too,” he demanded. She just stared up at him mournfully, so he repeated himself a bit more softly. “Tell me you don’t feel it.”
“Justin, look, I just think don’t we should go there, okay?” Rachael pleaded. Justin ran his hands through his hair in frustration. If she did feel it, which he assumed she did by her lack of response, why couldn’t she just say it?
“Why not? I have tried to be understanding. I’ve tried to accept the fact that you needed time to get over what happened with Wade and Kim and everything last year, and god, I’ve even tried to pretend that I’m not completely fucking in love with you. But I just can’t anymore, Rach. I love you and I want to be with you.”
“Justin, don’t…”
“Don’t what? Don’t tell the truth? Don’t tell you how I feel? We’ve been pretending for too long, Rach. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I love you and I want to be with you,” he said again.
“Please don’t say that,” she pleaded.
“Why?” The inquiry came out a lot louder than Justin had intended and he saw Rachael wince slightly. He was just at his wits end with her. Why did she have to be so difficult? He knew she felt the same way he did, so why did she have to pretend that she didn’t and keep insisting that they remain friends and nothing more? “Does that scare you? Does it make it too real for you if I say it? I love you. I adore you. You are the most beautiful, intelligent, amazing woman I have ever known and I have never cared about anyone as deeply as I care about you.”
“Stop!” Rachael finally exclaimed. Her eyes were full of fear and she looked like she wanted nothing more than to disappear. She'd figured that last night when he said he loved her, he'd just been intoxicated and caught up in the moment, but now that he was completely sober and still saying it, it was freaking her out. “I just don’t think that you and me…I just don’t think it’s a good idea, okay?" she explained desperately. "I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” Justin snorted. He knew that what he was about to say was going to make him a complete asshole, but he was fed up with the whole thing and really feeling quite used. It was like she wanted to have the best of both worlds. She would make out with him, but she didn’t want the commitment of a relationship. It was bullshit and he was tired of it.
“Oh, you don’t want to ruin our friendship? Is that what you call this? A friendship?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she snapped.
“We haven’t really been friends for a while now, Rach. We pretend like everything’s fine, but it isn’t! We can’t talk to each other, we can’t be real with each other. It’s a complete charade.”
“That isn’t true.”
“Yes it is! Everything we do is fake. This friendship is a fucking joke!” he finished and Rachael stared at him incredulously.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“Yeah, me too.” And with that, he left the room, slamming the door behind him and leaving Rachael sitting on the bed in complete shock. She knew he was upset with her, but she couldn’t believe he’d actually just said that. After all they'd been through together, did he really believe that? Did he really think their friendship was a joke? It was maybe sixty seconds later when the door opened again and Justin re-entered the room.
“I’m sorry,” he said immediately.
“Yeah, you damn well better be,” Rachael replied bitingly, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes.
“Oh, god, you’re gonna cry now, aren’t you?” Justin asked desperately, sitting down next to her. “Please don’t cry.” He reached out to touch her, but she stood up to avoid him.
“I’m not crying,” she lied, turning her back to him.
“Rachael,” Justin attempted to interject, but she continued talking, turning around to face him as she wiped a tear out of her eye.
“You know, I’m really glad you got that out, Justin. Really glad. If you hadn’t told me, I would have never realized that our friendship was a ‘fucking joke.’ It’s great to know that seventeen years of friendship means so little to you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he sighed.
“Oh, really? Tell me, how many possible interpretations could there be for ‘our friendship is a fucking joke’? Because I’d really like to know.” The tears were coming again, no matter how hard she tried to hold them back. She normally didn’t mind crying in front of Justin, but crying in front of him when it was he who’d caused her tears was a different matter. She hated showing that kind of weakness. It was much easier to handle arguments with him if she could remain aloof and unaffected. Of course, he was the one person who affected her more than anyone else in the world, so that course of action was proving very difficult at the moment. She closed her eyes tightly and opened them again, hoping to squeeze her tear ducts into submission.
“Rach, I just…” he let out another sigh, running a hand through his curls and feeling like a world-class asshole for making her cry. “I’m just frustrated. I don’t know what you want from me anymore.”
“I just want you to be my friend!” Rachael exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air and feeling more than a little exasperated.
“Then why did you kiss me?”
“You kissed me!”
“You told me not to stop!”
"What the hell was I supposed to say?"
"You were supposed to tell me to stop!" With every sentence they both got louder and louder and now Justin was nearly screaming at her.
“Yeah, well I…you…we…um,” Rachael sputtered, trying desperately to regain her composure. She had never felt so confused in her life. She was telling him all these things about how much she just wanted to be friends with him and yet he had a point. If that’s all she wanted, why had she kissed him? And why had she felt like she never wanted to stop kissing him? And why had it all felt so right? “I got caught up in the moment, okay?” she reasoned aloud. “We were dancing under the stars and it was just like it used to be and then you got all serious and I just…I just wasn’t thinking. I-I didn’t mean to.” Oh please don’t look at me like that, she added silently. He was looking at her like he didn’t know her. Like he couldn’t believe this was his best friend talking and hurting him with every word she said.
“So, that’s all it was? You just got caught up in the moment?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” she choked. He just stared at her and she broke her eye contact with him, shifting uncomfortably and feeling naked under his gaze. She knew he was trying to read her and figure out whether or not she was telling the truth. She also knew if she let him look into her eyes, he’d know that she was mostly trying to convince herself of what she was saying. She didn't know why, but she needed to believe what she was saying.
“You’re lying,” he finally stated.
“No I’m not,” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. He was staring again. How she wished he’d stop staring.
“You are. You have to be. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Look,” Rachael began, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I don’t know what last night was, just like I still don’t know why everything that happened between us last year happened. But I know that what you and I have works. Our friendship works; it makes sense. I don’t see any point in messing with that.”
“That is such a load of crap, Rachael,” Justin replied steadily. “And I think you know what a load of crap it is. I don’t know why you’re still trying to make yourself believe that, but we both know it isn’t true.”
“It isn’t crap.”
“It is! God, Rach, I don’t understand you! Why are you so afraid of this?”
“Afraid of what?” She stood up and he took a step closer.
“This,” he replied, placing his lips on hers and kissing her softly. She didn’t stop him, but when he pulled away she gave him what was quite possibly the most evil glare he’d ever had directed at him.
“I can’t believe you,” she muttered. “I really can’t believe you. You just push and push and push. Why can’t you just respect my feelings for once?”
“Because those aren’t really your feelings! I know they aren’t,” Justin protested. He’d been sure he was right, but the way she was looking at him now was making him feel slightly less secure.
“Do not tell me what my feelings are.”
“Rach-“
“Justin, for the love of God, can’t you just let it go? For once in your life can you just stop pushing me to do what you think I should do and leave me alone?”
He just looked at her for a moment, trying to decide how to respond. He used to understand the way she thought, but not anymore. Somewhere along the line she’d turned into this woman whose thought process made little to no sense. “Fine,” he finally said softly.
“What?” she snapped, sitting back down on the bed.
“Fine,” he repeated. “I don’t want to lose you, so if that means we can only be friends, no matter how much I want more, then fine. That’s what I’ll do. I won't push you. Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore.”
Rachael was in a slight state of shock. She had not been expecting him to back down, since in the past he rarely did. He’d always whined until he got his way. “Good,” was all she could think to say.
“But you can’t just keep leading me on and getting ‘caught up in the moment’ or whatever, because that isn’t fair,” he continued. “It really isn’t fair.” Why did he feel like he was going to cry? This was wrong. This was all wrong. This wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to have gone.
“Fine.” Rachael choked on the word and had to fight back tears of her own as she said it.
“Fine.” And with that, he turned and walked out the door, leaving Rachael sitting alone on the bed and feeling strangely empty inside.
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