Chapter Twenty-Six
"I don't know about you, but I am exhausted," Gaby informed her boyfriend with a yawn, leaning her head on his shoulder as they slowly swayed to the music that was playing.
"Yeah, me too," Trace agreed, stroking her hair softly. "It's been a long night."
Suddenly, a streak of black, white, red and auburn flew past them and towards the exit and Gaby frowned, lifting her head off of Trace's shoulder. "Was that Rachael that just ran past?" she asked.
"I don't know, I didn't see."
"I'll be right back," Gaby told him, following the figure outside, worried that something bad had happened to her friend. She did indeed find Rachael sitting on a bench outside in the middle of a rose garden that sat in the behind the building.
"Rachael, are you okay?" Gaby asked quietly and sat down next to her. Tears were streaming down Rachael's face and she shook her head, trying to wipe them away.
"I'm an idiot, Gaby. I'm such an idiot," Rachael whispered through her tears as she buried her face in her hands. "I'm such an idiot." Gaby rubbed her back soothingly, trying to help the best she could while having no idea what her friend was talking about.
"You're not an idiot," Gaby tried to assure her, but she just shook her head again.
"I am," she insisted. Gaby sighed.
"Does this have to do with Justin?" Really, she didn't have to ask since she was almost positive what the answer was, but Rachael was just babbling incoherently and asking her questions was the only way to get her to make any sense. Rachael laughed bitterly, wiping her running mascara.
"Of course it is. Isn't everything?" She'd stopped crying for a minute but now the tears were coming again. "God, I'm such a moron. I can't believe I'm such a moron. Why didn't I see this sooner?"
"See what?" Gaby had initially thought this was going to be another "Justin's being honest about his feelings and I don't like it" conversation, but the way Rachael was talking she was beginning to suspect there was something different going on.
"I love him." The statement was extremely quiet and Gaby almost didn't hear it, but she just barely caught it. "I love him and I want him and I-I...why am I so stupid?" Gaby was just staring at her friend incredulously, trying to believe she was actually hearing this. It was nothing she didn't already know, of course, but actually hearing the words come out of Rachael's mouth was an entirely different matter. "And it isn't like I didn't know all along, but I just didn't know it was...and we were standing in there dancing and I just realized... God, I'm such an idiot! I can't believe I was so blind. I just kept telling myself it wasn't what I thought and I kept pushing him away and...I'm such an idiot," she said again. She was having trouble thinking clearly enough to formulate decent sentences so she kept cutting herself off and the overwhelming realization that she was an idiot repeatedly came out whenever she couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Well, you realize it now, right?" Gaby encouraged her. "That's what really matters. Now you just need to tell him and-"
"I can't tell him!" Rachael shrieked, shaking her head quickly and seeming horrified that Gaby would even suggest it.
"Why not?" The other girl looked confused. She could see no reason Rachael shouldn't tell Justin what she'd just realized, since he had made it very clear that he felt the same way.
"Because, I just...I've been so horrible to him and kept telling him I didn't feel anything for him and he probably hates me," she explained mournfully. "I am such an idiot."
"Sweetie, he doesn't hate you," Gaby told her gently. "I know Justin and he could never hate you."
"Oh god." The terrified whisper was accompanied by a dramatic paling of Rachael's skin and Gaby turned to see what she was looking at. As she suspected, Justin was standing a few feet away, one hand in his pocket and the other holding a jacket he had slung over his shoulder. The corners of his mouth were turned down and he looked completely worn out, probably from a combination of physical and emotional exhaustion. He was just staring at Rachael silently and she was staring at her hands, wringing them nervously. Gaby squeezed her arm encouragingly, then stood up and left without saying a word.
"You're mad at me?" Justin finally broke the silence after Gaby left and Rachael looked up at him and shook her head silently. She was shaking, although she wasn't sure if it was because she was nervous or because she was cold. She'd made the horribly bad decision of going outside with nothing covering her shoulders and even in Los Angeles it was too cold for that on a night like this. Justin handed her his jacket and she took it as he sat down next to her, neither saying a word.
"Baby, listen," he said, sighing and pushing his hands further into his pockets. "I know you don't like it when I tell you how I feel about you, and I really wish that I could pretend I didn't feel it. I really wish I could be more like you that way, but I can't. You know I love you and if you still don't want to be with me, there's nothing I can do about that. I know that." He paused to take a breath and look up at her tear-stained, fear-filled face before returning his gaze to the ground and continuing. "And I think you know I'd wait around forever for you to figure out what you want if I thought you'd actually decide you wanted me." He choked on the words and Rachael tried to interrupt, a new wave of tears streaming down her face, but he silenced her by shaking his head. He needed to get this out and if she spoke it would make it a lot harder. "But I just have this horrible feeling that you're never going to figure it out or when you do it won't be me you want. And I can't just sit around and wait for that to happen, Rach. I just can't," he finished in a whisper. Rachael was crying harder than ever now and just listening to him talk was breaking her heart. He sounded so sad and hurt and it killed her to know it was her fault. She wanted to tell him that she knew exactly what she wanted, but the words just wouldn't come. All she could do was cry.
"I better get back in there," Justin finally said, standing up and turning his back to her. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done, but he felt he had to do it. He had to walk away from her right now and not put himself through this torture anymore.
"Wait!" It came out almost instinctively as Rachael's hand shot out and grabbed his arm. And now Justin had no choice but to turn back around and lower himself back down onto the bench, looking at her sadly.
"I have to tell you something," she told him, wiping her eyes again. She could only imagine what her face looked like right now with all the mascara and other makeup she was wearing running down it. She found a tissue in the pocket of his jacket and wiped it across her face before she spoke again, trying to buy herself sometime. She didn't know what she was going to say to him, she'd only known that she had to keep him from leaving. He looked at her expectantly and she took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry." It was the first thing she could think of to say and so it's what came out. Justin looked confused, like he didn't know what she was sorry for, but he didn't say anything. "I know that you probably completely hate me right now because I have been so horrible to you, but I, um...I know what I want," she stated firmly.
"What?" Justin asked, almost afraid to hear the answer. He wanted to think it was going to be good, but if there was anything he'd learned in his life it was to expect the worst.
"You." Her voice was tiny and quiet and she wasn't looking at him so it was a miracle Justin heard her at all. She continued staring at her hands, which she was still wringing into oblivion, as she went on. "It's you, Justin. You're everything, you always have been. Something in me always knew it but I didn't really realize it until tonight." She finally got the courage to look at him and found him staring at her like he'd just entered heaven and couldn't believe Saint Peter had let him in. "I was just scared. You scare me so much."
"Why?" he finally spoke, his brow furrowing in confusion. They'd been friends for seventeen years; he couldn't imagine why in the world she would be afraid of him.
"Because you are literally everything! If I let myself be with you and something happened...a-and you didn't want to be with me anymore and we stopped talking like we did last time..." Her voice trailed off and Justin reached out to touch her, running a hand over the top of her head and down the side of her face.
"Rachael, I wouldn't-"
"But it doesn't matter anymore," she cut him off, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter because I'm tired of running and I'm tired of pretending I'm not completely and totally in love with you. I'm tired of being stupid and blind and scared and I just...I just want to be with you, Justin. I'm tired of watching you with other girls and wishing it were me and I'm tired of feeling guilty for kissing you. I'm just so tired of everything and the only person who can fix that is you. So, there you go. I've got nothing else." Her shoulders slumped as she finished and her eyes found their way back to her hands as a single tear rolled down her cheek. Justin let out the breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding.
"Oh god, Rach, you have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear you say those words," he admitted, tilting her chin up so she was looking at him. "Can I kiss you now? Because I really want to kiss you now." He brushed away her last remaining tear with his thumb and she smiled, nodding. He dipped his head down to capture her lips into his and she scooted closer to him, sliding her arms around his shoulders. For the first time in their lives they weren't just getting caught up in the moment as they kissed, but rather making a conscious decision that this was what they wanted. They finally had to break apart so they could breathe and Rachael rested her head on Justin's shoulder, her head spinning and lips tingling.
"I love you," he whispered in her ear.
"I love you too." They were both silent for a good two minutes, their brains working overtime to process what was happening. Rachael personally felt that she had no idea what was happening, but whatever it was, she liked it and was feeling happier than she had in a long time.
"So what do we do now?" she asked him softly. Justin sighed, running a hand through her hair.
"I don't know, but I kind of want to get out of here. You wanna get out of here?"
***
"Hey there," a voice said, breaking Lance out of the daze he was in. He was busy sitting in the corner and feeling sorry for himself but when he saw who was speaking, he smiled. It was the girl he'd run into earlier outside of the bathroom.
"Hi," he returned. "Your night going a little better than the last time we spoke?"
"Yeah. I dumped my boyfriend and yelled a lot and I feel a lot happier now," she replied with a smile, sitting down next to him.
"Good for you. He sounds like he needed someone to dump him," Lance told her and she laughed.
"Oh, definitely, the arrogant bastard. Listen, I just wanted to tell you thank you for earlier. It was really nice of you to try and help me even though I'm a total stranger. It was just what I needed."
"No problem." For some reason, Lance was finding that he couldn't stop smiling. He thought this girl seemed really nice and he was glad he could help give her the strength to dump someone who had been treating her so poorly.
"I'm Jenna, by the way," she told him.
"Lance."
"Well, it's very nice to meet you Lance. You here alone tonight?" Lance shook his head.
"No, I have a date. Well...I had a date. I don't know where she is now." He had been feeling pretty upset about the fact that Rachael seemed to have disappeared after her dance with Justin, but he was starting to feel a bit better now that he had someone to talk to.
"She ditched you?" Jenna asked disapprovingly.
"Sort of. She's kind of in love with her male best friend, who also happens to be one of my bandmates."
"Ooh, that's harsh." Jenna grimaced to illustrate her point. "But she's obviously a moron if she ditched you." Lance blushed and shrugged modestly. "We should start a club," Jenna continued. "People Who Go Out With Morons. We could have t-shirts!"
"Well, if there are t-shirts involved, I'm all for it," Lance replied with a grin.
"Good. Because I wouldn't even dream of doing it without you."
***
"You know, you look really sexy," Justin informed Rachael as he entered his bedroom after taking a quick shower. They'd had a car pull around back and pick them up then retreated to the safety of his home, eager to avoid dealing with all the people who would be dumping questions on them if they went back into the party. His best friend, or whatever she was now, was sitting on his bed flipping through the TV Guide and trying to find a movie for them to watch. She had taken a shower before he did and after listening to her complain about how uncomfortable her party clothes were, he'd allowed her to borrow some of his clothes. So she was now pretty much swimming in one of his t-shirts and a pair of his far too long for her sweatpants were tied tightly around her waist in attempt to get them to actually stay up. Strangely enough, he thought he liked her even more like this than when she was wearing elegant dresses and revealing party clothes.
"Do I?" she replied distractedly, completely focused on the task of finding something decent to watch on television.
"Yes," he affirmed, plopping down next to her. "You should wear my clothes more often."
"So should you." She smirked at him as she eyed his bare chest and raised an eyebrow before returning her gaze to the TV Guide. Justin shook his head and brushed her hair away from her neck so he could start placing soft kisses on it. It was strange, they had only had their discussion on the bench about an hour and a half ago, and they'd yet to even define their relationship, but already sitting here with her and kissing her neck like it was nothing felt completely comfortable and familiar.
"You know you love it," he mumbled against her skin and she sighed, reaching back and ruffling his hair. She was enjoying the feeling of his lips on her skin, and did in fact have no objections to him being shirtless, but she figured she'd been nice enough to him for one night and he didn't need anymore ego boosting.
"Ooh, look, Justin! Model Behavior's on the Disney Channel! I think I know what I want to watch." She grinned evilly at him and switched the television on, turning it to the appropriate channel.
"Oh, come on, baby," he groaned in protest. "Do we have to watch this?"
"Yes! I need to make fun of you and your horrible acting skills!" she insisted as though this were a life and death situation.
"You know, Rach, just because I have stunning features and chiselled abs, it doesn't mean that I too can't not get my feelings hurt." She looked over at him and he just stared back at her, fighting the smile that was threatening to destroy his completely serious expression. Rachael blinked at him a few times before she fell backwards onto the bed, shrieking with laughter. "What?" he questioned innocently as he laid down next to her.
"Have you been watching Zoolander again?" she asked through her laughter, referring to the fact that he'd just taken a quote from the movie and changed it slightly to suit his interests.
"Maybe," he replied with a grin.
"God, you're such a loser. Why do I like you?"
"Because I have stunning features and chiselled abs?"
"No, I don't think that's it." She stuck her tongue out at him as her giggles finally died down and he just grinned. They both fell silent, watching but not really paying much attention to the images on the screen.
"Hey, Rach?"
"Hmm?"
"You wanna make out?" There was a short silence as Rachael considered her answer.
"Congratulations, Justin, I think you've just out-lamed yourself," she told him with a smile.
"Perhaps I have, but I can't help noticing you didn't say you dmmmppph." He last few words were cut off as she rolled on top of him and pressed her lips onto his. Both parties soon forgot that they were even supposed to be watching a movie and became completely caught up in each other.
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