It might seem girly, but Chris kept a diary. It wasn’t an everyday thing, just when something happened. He can’t say exactly when he started writing in one, but it was sometime around the first grade when he was in love with Elmer’s glue and Mrs. Nolan. Back then it wasn’t really a matter of writing down what he was feeling, but the fact could write anything in the first. His mom kept most of those papers in a box, but there was some he didn’t let her see. Mostly those had words that he didn’t know the meaning of, but were so obviously bad because of the way the kids at school giggled whenever he or somebody else said them. Or when he got in trouble for the calling Richard by his nickname, which at the time he really didn’t understand at all. Now he laughs himself silly. A lot of those papers are lost to time and moving around so much.
He started writing about real things when he was eight; feelings about his life, when he really started to understand the difference between him and everybody else. Words like white trash were in there a lot and it hurt still that sometimes he didn’t write those words in describing what others thought of him, but of what he thought of his mother. Luckily that was mostly in the beginning when kids first started teasing him. His own guilt stopped him from keeping that mentality for too long.
There were things about his first job; first girlfriend; first time having sex; a lot of firsts really. He only read back that far during No Strings Attached on those times he splurged just because he could, or because he was high off winning the suit against Lou after being so worried. Most times he started with the day he moved to Orlando with his dad, or really, the day Lance joined the group with a southern slick “Hello.”
~*~
Chris was sitting in an overstuffed living room chair flipping through channels with his eyes closed. Today was boring, just like all his other days with everybody else having things to do. Well he had things to do; just not time consuming things, and he made it a point that it stayed that way. He been working his ass off for as long as he remembered and he thought he deserved some kind of break, a breather. JC liked his LA house better than his Orlando penthouse so he was there more often; Joey was doing the Broadway thing; Justin didn’t live anywhere, or really he lived all over the world; and Lance, though he still lived in Orlando--and down the street even--was almost always out of town on business.
So he was there alone, or for now anyway. Later on tonight he planned on going to his club, maybe find someone to take home, someone with blonde, spiky hair and green eyes. He idly wondered when he would stop bringing home look-alikes and actually bag the real thing.
Maybe when he stopped using words like “bag.” Lance acted like a girl when it came to things like that. Chris himself wouldn’t mind if somebody, particularly Lance, bagged him.
So, sitting there alone in his living Chris devised a plan. He went upstairs to get his diary.
~*~
Chris decided that before he really poured his heart out, he’d pour his heart out. First he had to get Lance over to his place in order to declare his undying love. In his mind, after he got down on his knees between Lance’s legs while Lance sat comfortably on Chris’s overstuffed sofa and looked into Lance’s eyes Lance would just know. And then he would lean down as Chris climbed up the sofa and they’d meet in a passionate kiss. Hot monkey sex on the overstuffed sofa would follow, and then be continued further more once they made it upstairs. Of course, Chris was pretty sure this wouldn’t happen so he had to go for actually saying “I love you” whilst looking into Lance’s eyes so he could be sure Lance got the message, then they’d kiss, have hot monkey sex on the overstuffed couch, and again upstairs.
In the back of his mind Chris knew that probably wouldn’t work either, but he wasn’t going to think about it.
~*~
Lance was back in town and would be for the next couples of months because “Alright Chris, you’ve convinced me. I’ll stay home for a while. I can just do everything from my home office,” when really Chris just asked if he’d like to come over for pizza and beer and hang out for the couple of weeks that he was in town. Chris didn’t complain though, this just made his plan all the more easier.
The third go at making frozen pizza was baking in the over while they watched reruns of Friends on TV, well Chris was. Lance was talking into his phone. Probably canceling in person meetings or shit like that. Chris didn’t mind that either. It gave him time to collect his thoughts, as well as think of all the ways Lance could reject him. His palms were starting to get a little damp so he decided to go in the kitchen to check on the pizza. Out of the corner of his eye he looked to see if Lance was following him with his eyes.
He didn’t seem to notice that Chris had even moved.
Chris stayed in the kitchen longer than it was supposed to take one to check on frozen pizza, but he didn’t to think about that. He opened and closed the oven at least ten times because he heard Lance changing the channels. He decided that this would be as good a time as any to take action.
Taking a deep breath, Chris walked back into his living room with a purpose, only slouching the slightest bit when he got just behind the couch. He walked around to the front because he could change his mind and paused just in front of Lance.
“Hey Chris, I can’t see.” Lance reached out to push at Chris out of the way, but Chris dodged his hand and got to the kneeling position, pushing Lance knees apart so that he could rest there comfortably. “Chris? What the fuck are you doing?” Chris got a little closer and wrapped his arms around Lance’s waist. When Lance tried to pry him away Chris only squeezed harder. “Chris?”
“I love you.” Chris looked up at Lance, resting his chin against the abs Lance got from space camp.
“God Chris, not now.” He sounded exasperated, and that wasn’t good.
“No, really. I love you. Like, love you, love you. Wanna spend the rest of my life with you, love you.” Lance didn’t say anything, but he was looking at Chris with an expression he couldn’t quite read. Chris decided to take a chance for the passionate kiss so that they could get on to the hot monkey sex a little quicker when Lance said,
“Chris. Really. I don’t feel like playing games--”
“I’m not.”
“--with you right now. I’m tired and I’m hungry and I just want to watch some TV before I go home to go to bed.”
“Lance, listen to me,” Chris said as he drew circles on the small of Lance’s back, “I’m seriously not kidding. I’ve loved you ever since we came back home from Europe.” Lance didn’t say anything for a long time.
“I think the pizza’s burning.” That surprised Chris and Lance used that advantage to get up from the couch, nearly knocking Chris over in the process. He didn’t go to the kitchen though. Chris sighed when he heard the front door close, then got up to order pizza instead of burning another one.
Chris paid the pizza guy when he came and set both boxes untouched on the kitchen table. They would stay there all night.
~*~
When he woke up the next morning he decided that last night was a total flop and that he deserved to stay and bed and mope for his broken heart. He flipped through various infomercials and lame TV shows before putting the TV on mute and watching some brunette show off some kind of blender. Chris ordered one of every product all the infomercials he watched had to offer.
~*~
Chris was making a smoothie in his new blender after having watched his robot vacuum try unsuccessfully to clean the floor while his new air filter supposedly cleaned the air when Justin called.
He didn’t know when he started going to Justin in order to help mend his broken heart, probably the day he told Justin he loved Lance.
Most likely today, because that’s when he told him.
“And you thought that would work?” Justin was eating something crunchy and it was annoying in Chris’ ear. “Yo, this is Lance we’re talking about here. You knew he wasn’t going to believe you.”
“So why do you believe me then, smart ass?” Justin was quiet so long Chris thought he’d hung up, except for the absence of the dial tone anyway. “Justin?”
“Excuse me for sounding all deep and shit, but I knew you were in love with Lance the day I realized you weren’t in love me.” Chris didn’t say a word, because really, he didn’t know what to say. So that’s what he said. “You don’t have to say anything, man. I’m over it now, took me a while though. Through the first half of my relationship with Britney I was still jonesin’ for you.”
“You were hot for my fine ass,” Chris said, in order to lighten things just a bit. Justin snorted, but Chris heard the amusement in it.
“Britney said to either say something to you or get over it. I chose to get over it.”
“Why didn’t you say anything to me?”
“Because I didn’t want to hear the answer I knew you’d give me.”
“And that is?”
“Don’t play dumb with me. You’d’ve said that you weren’t interested. Maybe not in those words but whatever you said would have had that meaning.” Chris snickered.
“You got all deep and shit anyway.” Justin full out laughed.
“Yo, don’t laugh at me while I’m trying to be sentimental.” Chris wanted to know what Justin did to get over him, but didn’t ask. With all his past relationships it was pretty much an out of sight out of mind kind of thing. “Anyway, what are you gonna do about it?”
“Well I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this,” Chris paused when he heard Justin say something along the lines of “Oh shit,” but he didn’t let that deter him. “I think I’m gonna woo him.”
“Oh?”
“By showing him how much I care.”
“Isn’t that what people normally do when they woo somebody?”
“Fuck off. I don’t think I like your new friends. Their bad attitude is rubbing off on you.”
“Fuck off.” Chris rolled his eyes.
“I was gonna show him how much I want his hot ass by letting him read my diaries.” Chris waited for Justin’s reply.
“What? Diaries?”
“Um. Yeah.” Chris cleared his throat to fill the silence.
“So I’m assuming you’ve had these for a while.” When Chris didn’t say anything Justin said, “And why did you never say anything? I’m your best friend.”
“I can’t tell you _everything_.”
“Of course you can!”
“_No_,” Chris said, hoping that Justin understood.
“Whatever,” he muttered, but Chris could tell he understood. “So what do you mean by letting him read your diary?”
“I figure I’d pick out important stuff. Like the time we first met. Or when I realized that I might be in love him up to the time when I came to terms with the fact that I was.” Chris sighed. “I don’t even think he knows I gay, er, bi.”
“Yeah he does. He saw you making out with some guy back when we all lived in that house together. He was practically in shock when came back downstairs.”
“What?” Chris felt oddly embarrassed, both because Lance had saw him and because he was getting flustered over something that happened over seven years ago. He wondered what guy it was.
“Yeah. It took me a whole week to get him to tell me what he saw. I knew it had something to do with you because he’d blush and leave the room whenever you came around.” Chris still didn’t remember, but that sounded just like that shy country boy Lance used to be.
They talked some more, Justin saying how the crew he was with now just wasn’t the same as the one he had with N Sync.
Sometimes Chris didn’t give Justin enough credit.
~*~
Normally Chris would have allowed a waiting period after such a conversation as he had with Justin two nights ago, but it’d took a month and a half to get all the stuff he’d ordered from TV after his night with Lance so he figured he should get right to it. After getting off the phone with Justin Chris went to the extra room and sifted through every diary he had. Going through twenty years worth took time and the only way to date them was buy opening up each one and looking at the date of his first entry. That alone took all day, mostly because Chris got bored quickly and for every hour he searched he’d take a two hour break.
After having all the books in some kind of order, Chris didn’t exactly know what to do with them. He was pretty sure he’d have to read through every one and pick out the entries that mattered. That meant reading some things he’d written down just to forget about as soon as he dotted the last period.
With determination and hunched shoulders, Chris flipped open the book that started in 1987.
~*~
"No, Millie, I have to have that contract today," Lance was saying. He had his office phone balanced between his head and shoulders while sifting through numerous papers on his desk. He was particularly flustered because if he didn't have that contract he'd be in a world of trouble. "Are you sure you can't get a hold of her agent?"
"I already have sir. He said to call him when you were ready to renegotiate."
"I'm not giving him anymore of my money," he almost yelled. He caught himself when he realized he was taking his anger out on the wrong person. A few more minutes into the conversation Lance heard the beautiful sound on his fax machine. "Wait, Millie. I'm think I'm getting it now." Lance set the phone down while she was still talking and hurried over to the machine. By the time he got over there one page was already done and it was steadily working on the second.
He picked up the paper expecting something that looked more like a legal document than the hard to read lined notebook paper he was actually getting. There were black splotches over blank spaces and parts where there was writing. The second and third pages were that same way. Lance was trying to make out what the hell it was when he remembered he left Millie on the phone.
"Hey, Millie. I'm sorry, but I need to call you back." He hung up before she could answer.
About thirty minutes later his fax went off again. He rushed over to it and quickly picked up the paper. It was hot in his hands.
This time the papers were a lot clearer and there weren't so many ink blotches. After comparing the two sets he concluded they were the same document. Whatever it was. He was idly afraid someone was stalking him because they reminded him of the creepy notes those people in the movies always got.
Reading through he recognized the handwriting, scrawly, but not too sloppy. There was a date at the top corner of the first page: Sept. 30, 1987. It looked kind of like pages from someone's journal.
As he read through it he learned that whoever wrote it was going through some sexual identity crisis, wondering what others would think of him added on to fact that he was already nothing. Some guy name Rudy came up a lot. Apparently he was causing most of the problems. The whole thing had a sad tone to it and he felt sorry for the person even though he didn't know who the hell it was.
That question was answered as soon as the passage was over.
Lance didn't quite know what to think of it.
~*~
Chris was in the shower when Lance called. He knew because he heard his phone ring a couple times back to back. There weren't any messages, but when Chris checked his cell phone, too, there was Lance's number.
Five missed calls.
He dried off and got dressed, then called Lance back.
"Chris. What the hell?" Lance sounded confused and just the littlest bit frantic.
"I'm showing you how much I love you," he answered, and then hung up.
~*~
Lance stared at the phone in his hand, the dial tone ringing in his ears. He was snapped out of his reverie when the beeping noise started and it was then that he clicked the off button on his cordless. After thinking it over he dialed another number.
He got Justin's voice mail.
~*~
Lance remembered that night at Chris' while he was soaking in his tub. He remembered feeling the heat surge through his body when Chris looked at him, said he loved him. It was too much. He'd needed to get out of there.
Lance had always thought Chris was this cool guy, kinda like the guys back home. Not the ones like Justin, the jocks that everybody liked or the popular that all the girls fell girls over, but the class clown that was always getting into trouble. Those were the ones he was always attracted to. Chris came off as that kind of guy right away because when they first met Chris was over in the corner behind Lou making faces. He must have known Lance was nervous despite his mother being right there. When Lance finally couldn't hold back his smile anymore Chris started to walk over. Unfortunately for him Joey came up behind him and swiped Chris' leg from under him. He fell down with a loud thud on the hardwood floor and Joey doubled over in silent laughter. Chris stayed on the ground and played dead when Lou looked behind him to see what was going. Joey'd continued walking into the next room and Lance took that opportunity to laugh himself. Diane, even though she gave him a pointed look couldn't help but to laugh either. When Lou turned back around to finish whatever it was he was saying Lance and Diane had straight faces. Lance could see Chris's back rise and fall with laughter before he got up and slipped away to seek revenge.
When he and his mom were driving back home to get things together she told Lance that she loved and that she'd miss him. She trusted her there with the rest of them just fine. Lance always gave Chris and Joey the credit for that.
They'd practice hard nights in just to be considered, and they'd practiced even harder once they were signed. Germany, now, seemed like a blur. It certainly didn't at the time. It was mostly hard due to being so far away from home. Chris was always there to make thing better, though. With a smile and dirty jokes or later on down the road a beer and dirty jokes that Lance was just beginning to understand.
Chris spent most of his time with Justin and Lance thought that would have bothered him except Joey was like that with him. He'd idly wondered if he was falling in love with the wrong guy, but every time Chris looked at him or touched him in some way that probably meant nothing more to him than something friendly Lance would know he was right.
Thinking back on it he wondered if those touches meant more to Chris than he'd thought now with what's going on.
Lance got out of the tub and lay in his bed for a long time before finally falling asleep.
~*~
"So what did he say?" Justin was leaning on his golf club, waiting for Chris to swing. It was a few weeks later and they had the day together, then Justin had to fly out to California and Chris would fly back to Orlando.
"What the hell."
"Huh?"
"That's what he said."
"Oh." Chris swung and Justin watched his ball go far. "Was he mad?"
"No. He sounded confused." Justin smiled and took his own ball out of his pocket. Chris moved out of the way so that Justin could take his turn.
"What'd you tell him?"
"I told him I was going to show him how much I loved him." Justin swung staying in that stance until the ball landed a few feet shy of the hole. They began walking. "I didn't let him say anything else, though."
"You hung up on him didn't you." It was more of a statement that a question so Chris didn't bother with an answer. "You do realize that if you'd talk to him you could have settled everything right then and there?" Chris thought about that for a moment.
"Sure, I could have, but then he wouldn't know how much I love him."
"You could just tell him."
"It's not as easy as that an you know it." Justin didn't argue.
"You're a lot braver than I am. I don't think I could do what you're doing no matter how much I loved the other person.
"S'what makes us such good friends, Jup." Justin shook his head.
"That makes no sense." Chris smiled over at him and leaned over to line his club with the ball.
~*~
It wasn't as hard a Chris thought it would be actually. He felt sure of himself, knew he could trust Lance that even if things didn't go the way he wanted, which he doubted once he was done, Lance wouldn't make things weird. He'd keep those secrets for Chris and that'd bring them that much closer. He decided that in the off chance that happened he'd be okay with it. Not really. He knew he'd be miserale.
So with that in mind Chris set another page in his diary onto the fax machine in his office and pressed the green button.
~*~
The crowd below him was loud and clapping. Lance wasn't as close to the stage as he would have liked, but he made do. He silently cheered Joey on from his seat in the balcony and rushed out as soon as the cast stepped onto stage so he could beat the out crowd. He wanted to be backstage in Joey's dressing room when he got there.
Joey opened the door about thirty minutes later and Lance heard the brief rush of noise before he closed it again. Joey jumped back, surprised to see Lance sitting there, then hurled across the room and squeezed Lance until he couldn't breath anymore.
"I didn't know of you were coming."
"I squeezed in the time. I got somebody to cover for me."
"So you're sneaking out?" Lanced laughed. "My man!" Joey slapped him on the shoulder hard enough to make him stumble forward. Minutes later his assistants were milling around them and Lance waited until they were all gone before saying what was on his mind.
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