Chapter Four
November 2002, Anini Beach, Hawaii; Kauai Island
*********
Lance stepped into the small, air-conditioned Lihue airport, lowering his sunglasses only slightly and looking around. He didn’t know what he was expecting; but aside from a few people waiting for family or friends who had come in on the same inter-island carrier, the 8-gate airport was almost deserted. He sighed.
Of course, Cassie would pick one of the more remote islands, he thought, grumbling to himself as he went searching for the baggage claim. If one was looking to get away from the rest of the world, this was definitely the place to do it. He watched the trickle of bags coming out onto the conveyer belt, waiting for his own, hastily-packed duffel bag.
Once having grabbed his bag, he had to cross the street in order to get to the car-rental agencies. “So, how long will you need the car?” the bubble-gum popping college-aged student behind the counter asked him. Lance shrugged. It was a rather morbid thought: needing the car until Cassie died, trying to put a time limit on that.
“A month,” he said. Taking a deep breath, Lance tried not to complete the thought that Cassie would be dead by then. It was something he just wasn’t ready to start dealing with.
“What if…” Lance swallowed hard. He could do this. He wanted to do this, to be here with Cassie. “What if I return it before then?”
“Then we’ll refund your credit card,” the girl, whose name tag read Leiloni, replied, handing his Visa back to him. “If you wait a few minutes, one of the lot attendants will bring your car around to the front.”
“Thanks,” Lance said as he left the airport. He nodded to the guy with dreadlocks who pulled the red convertible up to the sidewalk and gave him a tip before throwing his bag in the back and taking off.
By the time he reached the north shore of the island, it was dark out. He’d had to pullover halfway there and put the top up when it had started raining. He’d stopped to get a drink at a McDonalds on the road, and been mobbed by a ten-year-old’s birthday party. When he finally reached Anini, he’d gone to the wrong beach house. After pounding on the door for five minutes and having it answered by a lady in a VERY skimpy negligee, he’d discovered that he’d just disrupted a honeymooning couple in the middle of a strawberries-and-champagne moment. All in all, he was not in his best mood when he finally pulled up in front of the right cottage’s garage.
At least he hoped it was the right cottage. He triple-checked the address Cassie had given Jenna before making his way up the steps. Now that he was at the right place, and he’d gotten rid of some of his anger by banging on the wrong door, he was more than a little nervous.
In fact, he was a lot nervous. She’d gone pretty far out of her way in order to disappear. Now that he had found her, he still wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. A flight across the Pacific, and another across the island chain; he’d spent most of the time angry at her, rather than trying to figure out what to say when he finally reached her.
Before he could lose the little nerve he had left, he rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, he heard little feet running to the door. It swung open to reveal her little brother, Michael. He gave Lance a gap-toothed grin. “Hey, it’s you! You here to see Cassie?”
“Uh…yeah. Is she here?” Lance asked. He peered around the open doorway, searching the background for her.
“Yup. She’s out sitting on the beach. You can go through the house if you want,” the little boy offered.
Lance nodded. “Thanks.”
Following Michael’s pointed arm, he looked across the spacious rental to the sliding-glass patio doors. Crossing quickly, he glanced around but didn’t see anyone else. “Where is everyone?” he asked as he reached the back door. He could make out a lone figure sitting on the sand in front of the water.
“Mom and Dad went out to dinner and Jo Beth is in her room reading a book. She didn’t want to play video games with me,” Michael added, giving Lance the girls-are-weird look that all boys have learned by the age of five. “Do you wanna play?”
“Sorry, kid. I really have to talk to your sister.” Yet he still couldn’t force himself to open the door and walk out there.
“That’s okay. Cassie never wants to play either. I’m getting a lot better at Zelda though, since it only takes one player.” He looked quite proud of his accomplishment, and Lance ruffled his hair before making himself open the patio door.
Once he was down the steps and on his way across the sand, it didn’t seem so hard. Seeing Cassie sitting alone in the sand, just staring out at the water, reminded him of why he had come all the way out here to be with her in the first place, when she had made it quite obvious that she didn’t want to see him.
He was almost right behind her and unable to figure out why she had yet to hear him when she spoke up. “I should have known that little twerp wouldn’t keep her mouth shut.”
“Which little twerp is that?” Lance asked, coming to a stop at her back and staring out at the water, trying to see what was so fascinating that she would want to be out here alone on the beach.
“The only person whom I gave our address to.”
“She actually kept her mouth shut, literally, quite well. Zipped, locked, key thrown away, the whole nine yards.”
They were silent for a few minutes, neither quite sure what to say, before she asked, “What are you doing here, Lance?”
“Well, gee, Hawaii just seemed like a good place to take my vacation.”
Cassie stood up angrily, turning around to face him. “Couldn’t you just have taken the hint?”
“What? That you didn’t want to talk to me or see me?”
“Yes!”
“Why couldn’t you have just told me the truth?” he replied, finally remembering why he had been so angry at her in the first place.
“Because!”
“Because? Because what? Because you liked the idea that you knew something I didn’t? Because when you were talking to me, you could pretend that you weren’t sick? Is that why I was so appealing to you?”
“NO!” Cassie exclaimed, horrified that he would think her possible of using him in such an artificial way. “Because I didn’t want every phone conversation to start out with ‘Oh, good, you’re not dead yet.’ Because I wanted what time I did have with you to be just that: time with you. Not time before I died. Because I love you! And I don’t want to die, knowing that I’ve left you here on earth, grieving for me! I’ve seen too much death and mourning. I didn’t want that for you. I wanted you to remember…I wanted you to remember being down on the docks. I wanted to remember you as having gotten Alicia Keys to come visit a sick little girl who idolized her. I wanted to remember our phone conversations.”
She had calmed down by this point, and was crying now. “I don’t want you to remember how I look while I’m all sick and dying. I don’t want you to remember me from when I’m all doped up on pain medication. I didn’t want that, Lance. But you’re here. Why are you here? Why didn’t you just stay away when you couldn’t get a hold of me?”
Tears were streaming down her face. Lance slowly pulled her into his arms. “Because I love you, Cassie. Because I want all the time that we have. Not just the time you decide to give us. And if that means following you halfway across the Pacific Ocean, even if you don’t want me here, that’s what I’m going to do.”
Cassie wound her arms around his waist as she looked up at him. “I didn’t want you here. I never thought you would manage to get the address from Jenna, but since you did…I missed you Lance.”
Brushing a soft kiss across her lips, Lance smiled. “I missed you too.”
They stood that way for a long time. Just glad to be together again. Not worrying about what tomorrow or the day after might bring.
*********
“Watch, there’s another one!” Cassie said excitedly. She continued, awed, “They’re so beautiful.”
Lance tightened his arms around her waist as they sat on their beach blanket, gazing out at the moonlight-reflected water. For some reason, he always seemed to miss the dolphins when they jumped out of the water…he supposed that could have something to do with the fact that he was too busy looking at Cassie; watching her finding happiness in a couple of dolphins.
Cassie leaned even further back against his chest. She tilted her head back to look up at him, finding him watching her. “You’re not even trying to see them!” she accused.
Laughing, Lance shook his head. “Nope.”
Cassie smiled back. He really was amazing, she thought, as she looked around at the romantic, dinner-on-the-beach picnic he’d prepared for them. They’d eaten peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches (that Lance had slaved to make: Cassie found it incredibly adorable), chocolate chip cookies (made by Michael and Lance earlier that day while she’d been napping), and he’d brought sparkling cider and two wine glasses. They’d finished a few minutes ago and were now relaxing: watching the water, watching a ship meandering its way past in the distance, watching for the occasional surfacing dolphin.
It had been four days since he’d shown up in Hawaii. Four of the most unforgettable days in her life. Talking on the phone with him was one thing, she’d realized. Spending the day with him, being with him, was something else entirely.
Lance was all about the little things, she’d noticed after their first day of strolling along the narrow streets of Anini. She supposed that being all about the details was what made him such a good business manager.
He seemed able to remember everything she’d ever told him. That first day, he’d stopped at a florist place and bought her a red baby carnation. She’d confessed during one of their phone conversations that she wasn’t a big fan of roses, that she preferred carnations. And he’d remembered, cutting the stem and placing it behind her ear as they finished their walk about town.
He’d also remembered her telling him about Jo Beth’s dream of cruising in a red convertible, and on the second day had taken her out for a drive down the highway during the sunrise. Cassie, of course, had refused to get out of bed when Jo Beth had woken her up to see if she wanted to come along. But she’d fallen back to sleep with sweet dreams of the most amazing guy.
Then, he’d even dyed his hair a lime Kool-aid green for her. Cassie had almost fallen off their couch when Lance walked out of the kitchen with bright green hair, Jo Beth holding a towel and grinning evilly behind him. It seemed the only time she removed her nose from her books was when she was helping Lance with something.
And baking chocolate chip cookies with Michael? How sweet was that!? Cassie had confided in him that she was more than a little worried about her brother; he seemed to get pushed aside with what was happening to Cassie. Jo Beth was old enough to understand that Cassie was dying and nothing could stop that, but she knew Michael wouldn’t, and she was scared about what he would do when she was gone. She hadn’t known what to say to the little boy, but Lance had been an incredible help; he’d told Michael that Cassie was going to go away soon, that she was gonna be an angel, and that even if Michael couldn’t see her or hear her anymore, she would always be with him. Cassie had cried as she stood in the kitchen doorway, listening to them.
And now, they were here, a romantic picnic on the beach in Hawaii.
Lance stood up, stepping off the blanket before reaching down for her hands. After helping her up, he leaned down to press play on the portable stereo he’d brought along. Norah Jones’ Come Away With Me started playing, quietly, romantically, as he lifted one of her hands to his shoulder, putting his around her waist, took her other hand in his, and began dancing.
Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song
Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies
I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come
Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you
And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me
It was the perfect moment. There was a lazy breeze coming off the water, rippling it, making the moonlight dance on top of it, bringing in the saltwater smell of the ocean, mixed with the distinct smell of Hawaii’s lush forests. Her hair drifted in the breeze, along with the soft folds of her ankle-length cotton beach dress. Her left hand rested on his shoulder, her fingers curling in his white t-shirt. They were both barefoot, his khakis rolled up to mid-calf, the cool sand beneath their feet, the moon and the stars shining down from above. She kissed him, slowly, deeply. Cassie wanted to bottle this moment, keep it forever. Never let it go.
But unfortunately, her strength-or lack thereof-wouldn’t allow that. Her strength gone, Lance lowered her carefully back down to their blanket, lying down next to her, holding her hand between them. She rolled over onto her side, trying to memorize his features. She knew it wouldn’t be long now.
Even in the four days that Lance had been here, she’d gone from being able to walk around town for three hours to barely being able to stand for three minutes. She’d had to lean heavily on Lance in order to get down to the beach tonight. Though her parents and Lance had been encouraging her to get some more rest, she’d refused, knowing that she would be soon be unable to get out of bed. It was bad enough, being groggy for most of the day from the pain medication. She’d skipped her dose this evening, wanting one last, clear memory of Lance.
She was paying for that now, she realized. Her headache had been increasing steadily for the last hour, till it was impossible to ignore. The pain was coming in waves, and getting stronger. A tear slipped down her face, soaking into the blanket; she knew that this would be their last night together.
“Cassie? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Lance asked anxiously as his eyes followed the tear. He leaned up on his elbow, ready to take her back to the house if something was wrong.
Smiling reassuringly, Cassie shook her head slightly. “No, I’m fine.”
She watched him relax back onto the blanket. “Lance? Promise me something?”
“Promise you what?” he asked, brushing her hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear before running his hand through to the end of her hair, curling the ends over his fingers.
“Don’t forget me. I love you. Don’t forget that. But most of all, Lance, be happy. Promise me that you’ll be happy. For me. Don’t be sad for me. I don’t want that.”
She watched the tear roll down his own face as he nodded. “I promise.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead. He pulled back and looked down at her. Her eyes had closed, and at first Lance thought she’d fallen asleep.
“Cassie? Wake up, we’ll get you back to the house. Cassie? Cassie!”
**********
Lance spent the next three days living in the chair next to her bed as Cassie drifted in and out of consciousness. A local doctor would make a house call at least once a day, make sure that Cassie was never in any pain.
She never fully came awake, but Lance could tell that she knew he was there. Every once in awhile she would send an unfocused smile in his direction, as he held her hand, reading to her, or singing, or telling her about what had happened that morning on Days of Our Lives. Anything to keep up the weak connection they still had.
Her family would check in on them, and Jo Beth spent some time sitting with him, reading for him when his voice would get too hoarse, or bringing him something from the kitchen. Michael sometimes came in and laid down next to his sister, just wanting to sleep with her. But Lance couldn’t bring himself to leave her side for any substantial length of time. He knew they felt he was hanging on too tightly, but he wasn’t ready to give up his hold on her, not just yet.
They’d had years to prepare for losing Cassie, months since her tumor had started its regrowth. He’d had less than a week, and he just wasn’t as ready as them. Jo Beth seemed to understand that there were times when he just couldn’t leave her alone, even if Cassie wasn’t awake to hear him reading to her; Jo Beth would come in sometimes and insist he go take an hour or two and sleep on the couch, get some rest, while she sat with Cassie.
Lance walked in on the third night after their picnic and found Jo Beth holding tightly to Cassie’s hand.
“Hey. Any change?” Lance asked as he sat on the other side of Cassie’s bed.
Jo Beth gave him one of the sad looks that the family had been giving him for some time. “Lance, she’ll never change for the better. She’s not going to miraculously awaken again.”
Lance nodded, slowly, biting his lip. “I know. It’s just…sometimes, it feels like she knows I’m here.”
“Yeah. I know that feeling.” Jo Beth looked down at her and her sister’s clasped hands. She gave it one last squeeze before she stood up and stretched.
“Are my parents still awake out there?”
“I don’t think so. The house was dark when I woke up. You shouldn’t have let me sleep so long.”
Jo Beth just gave him one of “riiiiiight” looks. “You’re gonna have to let go sometime Lance. Not to sound all Top Gun on you, but you have to let her go.”
Lance sat in his usual chair, looking at Cassie. “I know.” He kissed her temple. “I will. Just…just not yet.”
Jo Beth sighed. “All right. I need to get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Lance nodded. “Good night, Jo Beth.”
**********
Sometime during the night, while Lance drifted between sleep and consciousness, Cassie slipped into a comatose state. The doctor came in that morning and shook his head, letting them know they had almost no time left, while Cassie’s parents stood in the doorway, her dad’s arms around her mom, while her mom’s tears rolled down silently, leaving a ghost trail of moisture. Jo Beth leaned against the wall, holding Michael in front of her while the little boy looked confused.
They crowded around Cassie’s bed as the doctor left, saying goodbye to their daughter, their sister. Lance stood apart from the family moment, not wanting to intrude on something so private. As Mr. and Mrs. Spencer stepped back to the doorway, Jo Beth and Michael moved in. Michael looked at his oldest sister, still slightly confused as to why she wouldn’t wake up.
Then it was Lance’s turn and he froze. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t say goodbye to Cassie, not so soon. They’d had only had two months together. His eyes squeezed shut, trying to hold back the tears that he knew would fall if he was forced to say goodbye so soon. It wasn’t fair.
Somebody took his hand, and he opened his eyes to find Michael holding his hand, pulling him towards the bed. He started to shake his head, but from somewhere deep inside, he scrounged up the courage to sit in his usual chair. As he took Cassie’s hand, Jo Beth lead Michael to their watchful position against the wall, Mr. and Mrs. Spencer in the doorway.
“Hey, Cassie,” he whispered as he leaned in close to her ear. He knew that if he tried to talk any louder, tried to sound normal, he wouldn’t be able to finish. This wasn’t a time for normal; it almost felt like the whisper was all that the room of sadness would allow.
“I know…” His throat closed and he worked to swallow as the first tear hit the bed sheets. “I know we haven’t known each other all that long. I also know that I would have given the world to have more time with you in it.”
“But that’s not possible, is it, love?” He took a strand of her silky blonde hair and rubbed it between his fingers as more tears fell. “And you know what Cassie? I don’t even know if it would have made a difference. More time, less time. I still loved you. You still loved me. Time didn’t really matter. More time wouldn’t have changed how I felt about you. What I learned from you.”
“Did you know that, Cassie? That you taught me more about love, about life, in two short months than I’ve learned in twenty-three years? You taught me that love can catch you off guard, that it happens when you least expect it. I didn’t go into the hospital that day, thinking I would meet someone like you. Someone who put so much effort into the inevitable, put so much love, and still came away thinking the world was sunshine and roses. Well, maybe not roses. We’ll say carnations.” He gave a cautious smile, amazed that he even could when his eyes couldn’t stop watering long enough for him to bring Cassie into focus. He gouged them with his free hand, wanting a clear image, wanting something to remember forever. Wanting to remember Cassie.
“I made that promise on the beach, Cassie, and I mean to keep it. I won’t ever forget you, love. Never. But I’ll try to get through this with even an ounce of your strength. That’s what you were, Cass. Strength. Strength and hope. Not for yourself. You accepted that, with a courage I only wish I had right now. But you had hope for the world, Cassie. You didn’t let it bring you down. That’s what was so amazing about you. When I first met you at the hospital. Even talking about Jenna. There was a strength, a hope about you.”
“Maybe that’s when I fell in love with you, that first day. Or maybe down on the dock, after you pushed me into the water, and we were talking about boats and moonlight and dreams. All I know is that you taught me love.” He kissed her hair before resting his forehead against it, trying to will the tears not to fall, trying to be strong for Cassie, as strong as she was. “I love you Cassie.”
His shoulders started to shake, silently, as he made futile attempts to stop his tears. Then Jo Beth was behind him, hugging him, crying with him, and the rest of Cassie’s family moved in just as silently. Mr. and Mrs. Spencer sat on the other side of Cassie’s bed, Michael sat on the arm of Lance’s chair, resting his head next to Cassie’s stomach.
**********
She died two hours later and they flew her body back to Seattle, where the funeral was to be held and she would be buried. Justin, Joey, Chris, and JC flew in from Orlando to be with Lance.
They stood, surrounding him at the graveside surface. All of them wearing dark glasses. The only sign of life was the sun glinting off the moisture trails on Lance’s face.
He thought it was fitting that Cassie was being buried on a sunny day in Seattle, a city that knew only rain for the most part. Saying goodbye to a life that had known so much rain, and still brought sunshine into the world.
He would miss that sunshine; God, Cassie had been able to make him laugh, make him see the world in a new light. Whether she was walking into a parked truck or talking about Jenna and Alicia Keys, she’d had been full of sunshine: brightness and hope, neverending.
Shaking his head as the service ended, he walked forward until he reached her casket. He smiled as he placed a white carnation with blue edges on top and her family placed yellow and red carnations on it. He’d made sure that none of them had brought roses to the cemetery. That just wasn’t Cassie.
Before leaving with his bandmates for the airport, he stopped to talk to Jo Beth. She was watching them lower the casket.
“You know what I realized when I put that flower on there?”
“Hmm?”
Lance could tell she was struggling not to cry and he put an arm around her, offering her comfort as she took a deep, shuddering breath.
“That’s not Cassie. She’s not there, Jo Beth.”
“I know.”
“You know how I told Michael that she was going away to become an angel?”
“Mmhmmm.”
“I just said it to let him know that she would always be with him. But now…I can’t see Cassie settling for anything less.”
She shook her head, conveying her disbelief. “Now you’re just saying that for me in the same way you said it for Michael.”
Lance shook his head gently, smiling as he looked up at the sky. “Think about it, Jo Beth. I know you heard me when I was saying goodbye to her. She truly was strength and hope. She cared so much for the kids at the hospital. Seeing as how she tried so hard to be their guardian angel when she was alive, can you see her leaving them now? It just doesn’t work for me. She’s still here, with us. Giving us strength and hope, even when we can’t see her. Just know that she’s with you, Jo Beth. Remember that about her. Not the funeral, not the casket. Remember her.”
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