Epilogue
December 31, 2002
**********
She wished that her feelings HAD been adrenaline-based. More than anything, she wished that were true. Maybe then, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe then, eleven days after she had walked out that door, and walked down that long, cold driveway, and driven all those miles back to Vegas…Maybe then she would be able to stop crying.
Tissues. She needed more tissues. Grabbing one, she glared at the Kleenex box. She hated crying. It made her eyes puffy and red, and then they hurt.
She had hurt JC. Eleven days later and she could still see the expression on his face. She’d told herself over and over again that she had done the right thing. It had been the right thing for him. But for her? No way. The right thing for her would be to have stayed with him, loved him. But when the adrenaline rush was over…he would have wondered how the hell she had managed to trap him into a relationship that he didn’t want to be a part of, and he would have hated her for it.
It was better this way. It was.
Oh, who was she kidding? Or trying to convince? Because after crying every night for eleven straight days, there was no way that she could convince herself that she was better off without him.
She had walked away from the perfect guy. She had to be the stupidest girl on earth, without a doubt. What did it really matter if he ended up hating her? She would be with the guy of her dreams. Someone who cared about more than advancing their career, a guy with strong convictions that he didn’t back down from. JC, who didn’t laugh at her nightmares or her ridiculous fears. Someone that she could stay up all night with, talking to. Respect. Love. Honesty. She would never find anything more than what she had found with JC that night.
But he was gone, and she had been the one to let him go. It was her own fault that she’d had to watch the MTV Christmas special from Vegas, crying on Melinia’s shoulder, while it was being shown live from the cabin in Tahoe. It was her own fault that she would never be able to even meet another guy without comparing him to JC. It was her fault that she was alone now, on New Year’s Eve, and not with JC somewhere, ringing in the New Year.
She needed another tissue.
**********
He stood at her apartment door. What would happen when he knocked? If he knocked.
Oh hell no, he had come this far. He had to at least see her. He had to know if she had meant what she’d said. If she was as desperate for him as he was for her.
He didn’t know how, or when, but sometime during that night, she had managed to make a place for her in his heart. A secure place. He loved her, and it hadn’t died like she’d promised that it would. The hurt hadn’t gone away. He could only hope that she felt the same way. That she had been lying to herself that morning at the cabin. That she had been lying to him.
The first time that he actually wished for a girl to be lying to him. But he needed his wish to come true, needed it more than he could say.
He knocked on the door.
After waiting all of two seconds, he convinced himself that she wasn’t there, or that she wasn’t going to open the door because she knew who it was, and she really felt nothing for him.
He hadn’t taken three steps when the door opened behind him. He stopped. Turned.
There she was. Standing there in the doorway, gripping the frame for support. Her eyes wide. He was so happy to see her that he didn’t notice the bloodshot eyes, the red nose, or the fact that she looked like death warmed over. All he saw was her. The girl who hadn’t left his thoughts since she’d left his cabin.
Neither of them said anything, and JC wondered what would happen next.
She looked down at his hands, and noticed the bundle of clothes he was holding. “Did you come to return those?”
The clothes. Oh yeah, he had forgotten that he even had them in his hand. “Uh, yes. I did. Thought you might want them back.” Her face fell as JC watched. Maybe, just maybe, she had missed him as much as he had missed her.
“Oh, okay. Hold on, I’ll get your clothes.” She took a few steps back into the apartment and JC followed. Closed the door behind him. She was halfway across the room before he spoke again.
“Devon, wait.” She stopped, but didn’t turn around. Okay, he could do this, he could say this. He NEEDED to say it, because there was a slim possibility that she might feel the same way he did. And it was that possibility that had made him borrow Justin’s car and drive from L.A. to Vegas. “That’s not all. I came…I came here to see if you still felt the same way you did when you walked out of the cabin that morning.”
She didn’t move, didn’t say anything. His breath caught; maybe he had made a mistake in coming here. Maybe she never really had felt anything for him.
Watched her turn. Waited for her to say something. Anything.
“No. I don’t feel the same way. I never did.”
JC was rooted to the floor. Was he hearing her right? “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I never did mean what I said up at the cabin.” He could breathe again. Finally.
He had crossed the room in two strides and then she was in his arms again. He was so…relieved that he didn’t notice the clothes falling from his hands. All he saw was her. God, eleven days without her, wondering what would happen if he tried to meet up with her, spending every moment thinking about her, wondering how she was doing since she’d returned to Vegas. Until he couldn’t stand it anymore and he had to see for himself.
“I’m sorry, JC. I love you. I am so sorry I said any of that. I just wanted to be fair to you.”
The only time he had ever felt relief of this magnitude was in those moments when the rest of the FBI team had shown up at the cabin. “Fair? You wanted to be fair? What was fair about leaving me alone, right before Christmas, wondering if anything that you had felt that night was real? I knew what I felt; I knew that I loved you. You just never gave me a chance to tell you. You left; how is that fair to me?”
“I wasn’t sure if what you felt was real, and I was scared. Scared that it was all fake, scared that one day you would hate me if I stayed.”
She pulled back, her hands drifting from his shoulders to his arms. Her fingers were tight enough to bruise. He hoped that meant she didn’t want him disappearing on her, because he had no intention of leaving her apartment until…well, he didn’t know if he would ever be ready to leave. Right now, he just wanted to be with her.
He cupped her face in his hands, gently. Kissed her slowly. Wanted nothing more than this.
Well, okay, so maybe a little bit more, he thought as he looked down at her. He wanted to be with her, more than for just this day, this night. He wanted to bring in the New Year with her. Be with her for that New Year.
“So…I know this might seem sudden…or odd…but…uh…” he stalled; how did one go about asking someone to change their entire lives for them? “What do you think of Orlando?”
She smiled, and JC wondered what she was thinking. What had brought that almost mischievous smile to her face? “Actually, I put in a request to be transferred to the Orlando FBI office.”
“You did? When?”
“The day after I got back to Vegas.”
“So the day after you told me that it was really only adrenaline?”
Devon had the grace to look embarrassed. “Yeah. That’d be right.” She scuffed her toe as she avoided eye contact. Finally looking up at him, she grinned. “Oh hell, you know how obsessive I can be; how unwilling I am to let some things go. I was just thinking about what might have happened if I moved to Orlando and ran into you on the street.”
“And if I hadn’t known your name?” Her eyes widened, and he felt like the biggest jerk in the world for even suggesting it, because he could tell that even the thought had hurt her. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry, Devon. I shouldn’t have even joked about that. You know it was a ridiculous idea, don’t you? As if I could ever forget you.”
“It could take as long as six months, or even a year for me to actually get transferred to Orlando, you know.”
“Well, like I said that night; it would take both of us to be willing to make it work like that.”
“Oh, I’m willing all right,” she assured him, a sexy grin gracing her face as she wound her arms around his neck. “Definitely. Willing.”
He kissed her mouth, his tongue darting out to taste her lips. Damn, but it was a taste that had haunted him for the past eleven days. A taste that he would never get tired of. He finally managed to pull away from her, long enough to add to her confirmation. “As am I, Dev. In fact…I had actually checked out Vegas for some good recording studios. And although there aren’t too many, or any, for that matter, that I could use, Vegas is only a four hour drive from L.A., which is an ideal place for me to be working, at least until me and the guys need to start meeting for the next group CD.”
“So,” Devon began as she worked her way along his jaw line, from his neck to his mouth, punctuating her words with kisses. “It wouldn’t be as distant as we thought.”
“Nope. Just think,” he whispered, kissing her mouth. “Every weekend. Here with you. There with me. Whatever. Hell, we’d probably be together more in these few or many months than during a normal work or promotional schedule for me, even if you’re in Orlando.”
“And the weekends where either you or I am too busy working?”
“Well, you’ll be one of the first girlfriends I’ve had whose work schedule can be as hectic or as unpredictable as my own. Just remember: If we’re both going to try to make it work, then we can. We already know just how stubborn we both can be when it comes to something that we believe in.”
“Me?” she protested. “I’m not stubborn.”
“Really? So why not just give up when you couldn’t get a hold of anyone about the Cougar that night?”
“Because Melinia wouldn’t let me?” she suggested. He pinched her side and she laughed. Rolling her eyes, she added, “Alright, already. I didn’t give up because I knew I was right.”
“So…are you right about us two being able to make it work? To be together, even if we aren’t TOGETHER?”
She grinned before kissing him again, walking backwards through the apartment to her bedroom. As she reached behind her to open the bedroom door, she pulled away just slightly, not wanting to put too much distance between them before she absolutely had to. “Oh, hell yes. You know I’m right.” Her head tilted to the side as some realization hit her. She looked at him. “Wait…does this mean that I was WRONG about fairy tale endings?”
“I guess so,” JC agreed, looking down at the woman he had fallen in love with. He smiled and kissed her again. “Which means that this is my cue to say that we lived…happily…ever…after.”
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