She walked briskly beside him, averting her eyes from those of the girls glaring at her, clawing at him. They had an almost glazed look of hatred on their faces. And it sent a shiver down her spine to think that that much negative energy was being diverted at her.
She held on to his hand, almost as if it were a lifeline. How ironic, she thought to herself. When in reality, she was as far from him as one person could get.
"I'm just like you!" she wanted to shout to the girls who envied her position. Truth be told, she envied them. They who had the power of to seduce him into this industry.
"Did you see their faces?" he would ask her on more than one occasion, his pulse erratic and his eyes dilated after a concert. And then he'd turn away, as if she had no idea what he was talking about. As if he was a part of this elite phenomenon that only he, the guys and their fans had exclusive rights to. As if she was the stranger.
"Are you okay?" he asked kindly as they entered the safety of the hotel lobby.
"I'm fine," she reassured him as they walked onto their floor, into their room.
"I'm sorry that our little lunch date was soured by the fans out there ,just now. But you know they're harmless, right?" he said as he sprawled himself across the bed.
"Hmmm... yeah."
"Are you sure, you're okay? You've been withdrawn for the last few days. Are you... still upset?"
"Upset?" she asked, innocently.
"You know, over the article." He seemed almost embarrassed to be bringing it up.
"Oh. Not at all," she said, smiling at him from her perch, on the couch. Of course I'm upset, you nut! You just declared to a magazine that you've 'been in love'. What am I supposed to do? Leap for joy?"
He breathed a sigh of relief and flopped his head back onto the mattress. "Good. That's what I like about you. About us. That there's no complications of feelings and stuff. You're just there for me."
"Yeah," she said, softly."No feelings."
"You're a good friend, B. I'm gonna take a shower now. Take a message if Johnny calls. See ya in a few." He kissed her affectionately on the forehead as he passed her on his way to the shower.
No feelings...
She knew that he'd been hurt before. By that ex-Mouseketeer chick from Innosense. And she understood that he had a hard time giving his heart again. But she must have burned him pretty bad for him to hide within himself the way he did.
She'd understood what she'd been getting into when she'd agreed to date him. She knew that he wasn't looking for love. And she knew that he wasn't in love with her. Lord knows he told her that often enough.
But she didn't count on her feelings.
On falling for the wonderfully sweet and intense boy that he was underneath it all. His kindness and the way he took care of her. For the way he held her when they made love. Almost like a lover's caress. Like he knew that every woman was meant to be held that way.
He gave her all that and more. But he took it all away again by saying that he didn't love her.
How could any one person be so vulnerable , kind and so..... so cold.
Sometimes at night, when she was alone with her thoughts, she wondered why she was still with him. She didn't have a hard time getting dates before. And she didn't think anything was going to change now. Not to mention that she had to put up with shit from his fans.
At least Britney had her fair share of fans and haters. No one considered Kelly a threat. So it was always her.
Bobbi the bitch. Bobbi the slut. 'Bobbi-who-stole-MY-JC'. She'd heard them all. Loud and clear.
And then she'd look into his needy blue eyes. It wasn't so much that the words he said, but the way he looked at her. Pleading for her understanding and comfort. And she'd relent.
Praying that someday, he'd look at her the way she'd always wished he would. That someday, he'd love her. Someday, they'd complete each other.
But until that day, Bobbi realized that she was stuck in a relationship with a man who didn't love her.
That she was desperately in love with.
Why do you keep us apart?
Why won't you give up your heart?
You know that we're meant to be together..
Why do you push me away?
All that I want is to give you love...
You can call me selfish,
But all I want is your love.
You can call me hopeless,
Cos I'm hopelessly in love.
You can call me unperfect,
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only one for you.
What’s wrong with being selfish?
(*NSYNC - 'Selfish')
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