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Despite all of your problems, you still loved him. Despite his ways of cheating on you, you still loved him. How you hated the way you always took him back after he cheated on you with another girl.
"Why can't I stop loving him?" You wail to the almost empty room. The cat you named after him, stared at you with loving eyes. You continue to pack you're bags, crying as you stuffed the gorgeous Versatile dress into the bag. The one he bought you for you're first charity function. Grabbing the jewelry box that held the engagement ring, you wish you had found out what a liar he was before he proposed.
You sob as you think back to the last time he had cheated on you. He had brought the girl into the house you shared with him. He had slept with her on the bed you had so thoughtfully picked out for you and him to share all the dreams of you're impending marriage. The same bed where you had conceived a child, and lost in the next month.
You dry you're eyes in the almost empty bathroom. Staring at the reflection in the mirror, you wonder if you'll ever get over him. The sad, broken look in you're eyes makes you stand tall with determination. Despite his cheating, you will get on with you're life, even if you can't stop loving him.
Even if you never get over him, you will try to get on with you're life. Grabbing you're bags, you walk downstairs with a purpose. Grabbing the letter that sat on the table, you smile as you think of all the wonderful opportunities you're going to have when you move back to Nebraska. Stopping at the small table in the foyer, you lovingly place the letter you had written to him on the table. He would surely find it when he came home from work.
You pet the cat one last time, thinking you're going to miss him. You would take the cat with you, but it was his cat. He had found it outside one day when you had first moved into the house, and he had fallen in love with him. "Bye." You whisper to the cat, you're eyes misting over once more. Standing up, you grab you're bags once again, and head out to the car that he had bought for you after you had gotten engaged. You didn't really want to keep the car but you needed it to get to Nebraska.
You give one last glance to the house where you had thought that you would spend the rest of you're life in, with him. Starting the car, you peel out of the driveway, and take off, leaving you're old life, and him, behind. He walks into the house, and spots the box holding the engagement ring. The box is sitting on top of a hand written letter. He recognizes it as you're handwriting and realizes that you are gone. Shakily he picks up the box and the letter, and humbly walks to the chair that you always sat in. His handsome face crumbles as he reads the letter that you so carefully and tearfully wrote.
His strong hands grip the letter, crushing the words he had read, tears falling from his ashen face, his heart broken. "Why?" He whispers to the empty house. "Why did you not say anything?" He wails in heartbreak and sorrow.
The tear streaked letter falls to the floor, forgotten as he buries his face into his hands, sobs racking his shoulders. The cat he loves so much crawled onto the arm of the chair, crying with him, as if he knows the immense sorrow that his master feels.
His four best friends find out the next day that you are gone. They sympathize with you, instead of him, because he had cheated on you, and they felt that you were one of them. Only one of the 5 knows where you went. He had to know, only because you and he are related, and he was concerned that you would do something drastic. Over the next few months, you try to get on with you're life, living in the hometown you had despised for so long. It feels like home to
you for once. Maybe it's because he is never in that city, or it's because it holds no trace of the life you once led.
You're friends help you cope with you're heartache, but you can never go back to dating. There may have been men before him, but there will never be another after him. After all, you had shared you're dreams with him, and he had gained you're complete and utter trust, something you had never given another man.
The months are hard for you, and for him. You watch the shows that he and his friends appear on. He looks heartbroken, and old. Even though he broke you're heart, you still love him, after all this time.
When he is asked if he and you are still together, and are still getting married, he shakes his head, and acts as if he's about to cry. He can't say anything, for if he does, he will break down. You want to call him, to hear his sweet voice once again, but you can't. He was a part of you're life that was at first, the happiest time of your life, and the immense sorrow that you still feel. You can't call him, because you know in you're heart, you would forgive him again, and go back to the life you once had.
Hearing a knock on you're door, you wonder who could be calling at this hour. Peeking through the hole in the door, you wonder what you're cousin is doing there. "JC?" You ask, opening the door.
"Jessa, you have got to call him, or do something." JC comes nto the house, swiping at his longer curly hair.
"I can't."
"Yes, you can. He's going nuts without you." JC tells you desperation in his voice.
"Why should I? So I can tell him that I forgive him again and that I still love him and go back to what I thought was a relationship?" You growl in anger.
"He changed." JC explains. "All those girls all that wasted time. He knows that he lost the best thing in the world, and he wishes he hadn't done what he did."
"Aren't you forgetting something?" You ask, anger in your voice. "The only reason he and I got together was because he was cheating on Danielle with me! He will never change!" Tears now fall from you're bloodshot eyes. The next thing you know, JC's strong arms were wrapped around you, holding you close to him.
"Shh." JC whispers, rocking you back and forth.
"Why can't I get over him?" You whimper. "Why did he even cheat on me in the first place?"
JC holds you as you cry for everything you lost. His love, his friendship, the wholeness you felt every time his lips touched yours. It hurts to think of the fact that if he hadn't cheated on his first girlfriend with you, he might have never cheated on you either.
"I can't go back Josh. I can't." You sob into his shoulder.
"Why not?" The familiar voice whispers in your ear.
Startled, you pull away from JC, staring into the handsome face that haunts your dreams night after night. "What are you doing here?" You cry, anger and sorrow in you're voice.
His deep green eyes, once full of life, look at you as if he hadn't seen you in so long. "Jessa Lynn, I begged JC to bring me here. I can't bear another second without you." He whispers tearfully.
"You cheated on me, plain and simple." You sob, trying to become angry at him. You think of the girls he had cheated on you with. It wasn't working. All you can think about is kissing those luscious lips of his. "You brought one of those girls into our home! You slept with her in our bed!"
"I didn't." He says, looking at you straight in the face. "She claimed she was a really good friend of yours, Baby girl. She wanted to wait for you in the house, when you came home from work." He looks down at his hands. "I didn't want her to stay there, in case she was lying, and was a fan and took something, but I was paged by JC to do some work in the studio."
"Oh my god." You whisper. Everything that girl had told you was a lie. Then the realization hits you. He still thinks of you as the most precious thing in the world to him.
JC backs off, as if he's ready to leave you and him alone, to work things out. But you're not ready. You're heart is still tender, and still broken. "I need time." You finally whisper to him.
"Time is what you will get." He whispers back, wanting to take you into his arms and hold you forever. "But don't wait for forever."
And with that, he and JC walk out of the house. They don't wait for you're goodbye, nor for the soft sighs as you try to calm down enough to think.
As soon as the car was gone from the driveway, you immediately call you're best friend, the only other person from you're old life who knows everything. "Jessie!" You whimper into the phone. "I was wrong!"
"Hold on girl. Calm down and tell me everything." Jessica Simpson says, settling down in her own home, waiting with a box of tissues. She knows she will be crying right along side you once it is over.
In a halting voice, you tell her everything. From the moment you saw Britney in the bed, naked, to the declaration that he had made about Britney being a liar. Jessica helps you figure everything out. In spite of everything, you still need to tell Justin that Britney was trying to cheat on him. It's been months since you and Britney were friends, ever since that day you found her in the bed, naked.
As soon as you get off the phone with Jessica, you realize that you want to go back. To the life you used to have. Life wasn't as fun now as it had been with him. You pick up the phone again, starting to dial his cell phone number out of memory. But before you can finish, you hang up.
"I can't do it." You whisper to the empty house. All the happy times, well, they couldn't make up for the empty time, and the fights. Something inside of you wants to go back, but something else doesn't. Is it the thought that he might cheat again? No. Seeing him tonight has definitely erased that hought from you're head. He will never cheat again.
So why can't you go back? It bugs you all night as you try to sleep. After a few hours of tossing and turning, you get back up and go into the closet for the box that you never dare to open.
It holds memories of you and him. The first date at the beach, where he had later on brought you back to, and had the words `Will you marry me?' in the sand, right where you two had shared your first kiss. The time that he decided to play bodyguard and took you to Disney World for a day.
You smile at the memories. Him holding you close, whispering something into your ear, like it was a secret. You're resolve to never forgive him for what had happened melts away like the snow on the ground before the spring thaw.
Even though it's 3 am, you know you've had enough time. Grabbing you're flannel robe, you fly downstairs. The phone is waiting for you to pick it up and dial his number.
"I'm so sorry." You start to cry softly as he picks up the phone. JC had left his hotel number on the table before they had left earlier that night. "Please forgive me?"
His deep voice, laced with sleep makes you're heart flutter. "I'll be right over." He says, hope in his voice. You pace for what seems like hours, waiting for him to get there. Finally, the lights shine into the house, and you're out the front door, in foot deep snow rushing to get to him.
It seems like years since you last felt his arms around you, and those luscious lips on your own. "I'm so, so, sorry." You whisper after the passionate embrace.
"So am I, Baby girl." He whispers back. "Can you ever forgive me for being such a prick?"
"Now that I know the truth, yes." You reply, a smile gracing you're face for the first time in months.
His sweet kiss sends you swirling head long into a place where there is only him and you. "I love you Lance Bass." You whisper against his lips. "More than life itself."
"I love you too Baby girl."
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