Sorry to have been absent for so long, mate. School was my main priority for the last few months, and as you know, I recently lost my dad and that was very rough. I'm still having a hard time, but I'm finding that writing helps me get stuff off my chest, and I decided if I want more reviews (there's been a bit of a review famine on my side), it's only fair that I deliver some reviews here and there, too.

I was a little surprised that you decided to write this whole thing over again, but I am seeing a great improvement in the quality. Remember to be careful of the length of your sentences AND paragraphs; say what you need to say, don't be too stingy with your words, but don't drown your readers, either. I'm a big believer in leaving some room for personal imagination, so it's not necessary to describe every little thing. And it's also important to show things rather than merely telling them like they are. For instance, don't just say that someone's mad or excited or depressed; describe their body language and show it in their dialogue. 

As for your dialogue, it's quite impressive. I'd say it's one of your strongest points. Don't know if I shared this tip with you, but one professor suggested taking some time to read the dialogue out loud to see how natural it sounds.

Keep up the awesome work, matey!