Bittersweet Revelation- Part ten

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

Erin's POV

I think that nod I gave him tore Josh apart. I still can’t believe the words myself. I’m sitting here, trying to piece things together, little by little. I know where babies come from but in light of the recent events, my mind is like a ticking bomb. I still hate myself and probably will for a long time but I’m trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I am going to be a mother.

I’ve always wanted children, always wanted that special bond with my husband but apparently things don’t always turn out the way you plan. Not only am I not married, I’ve just cheated on the man I’ve been with for the last three years. Like I said, I hate myself. I love Josh and always will, no matter what. In light of all of these events, I can’t sit here and blame him for the fact that I slept with another man because we all choose our own actions. I’m not anywhere near perfect, and neither is Jace or Justin for that matter. I almost cringe at the thought of Justin. I don’t want to rehash that part of my life ever again.

I believe that mostly everything happens for a reason, and I believe that mistakes can eventually be forgiven even if they’re not forgotten. I’m trying so hard right now to see a light at the end of the tunnel but at the moment, it’s looking like it might be a long time coming. It’s honestly hard to breath, the more I think about things. I’m going to be a mother-- yes, I’ll say it again because I’m still not comprehending things entirely. A child is going to rely on me for the rest of it’s life to keep it safe and warm, to feed it and cloth it and most of all, love it. I almost want to cry  because right at this moment, I don’t even know how to love myself. What’s he or she going to think of a mother who has screwed everything up and I’ll be the reason my baby doesn’t have a father. No one will every want to marry me. I wouldn’t want to marry myself.

I know that things have the potential to look up and that anything is possible, but it’s going to take some time. I’m still sitting here in this hospital bed, decked out in your typical pale blue gown, IV taped to my hand and I feel as though I’ve been ran over by a train. Silence seems to be the only word to describe what’s going on in here because ever since I told Jace that I was pregnant, he nor I have said a word.

I think I needed time to take it in, before I curl up into a ball and will myself to disappear. It’s almost too much now and I have to think of somehow to start a conversation. He fell slowly in the chair beside my bed and I swear his face turned about five shades of yellow. I don’t know which was worse-- watching his face drop or feeling him let go of my hand that he had held so securely. I’ve said it before but there’s something about JC’s touch that holds me together. He’s got this firm grasp that has always reassured me that everything’s going to be alright and with him, I’ve always believed it. When he let go, my lip did tremble and I couldn’t hold back the tears flooding in my eyes. A little piece of my strength had faded away.

Bravely I look over at him, wishing him to look at me- for any sort of acknowledgment because right now, I need him more than ever. I know what he wants to know, what he’s thinking right now but I want to know what he’s feeling. I know he’s thinking the worst. I lay my head back against the pillow, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin but we need to have this conversation.

“Jace…” I call softly as he looks over at me, his blue eyes look nothing but lost.

He shifts in his seat, bringing his elbows down to rest on the top of his thighs, his hands folded together. I can tell he has so many things to say and even more things to ask. I need to hurry this up, if only my mouth didn’t feel like cotton. It’s so hard to talk.

I choose my words carefully. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”  He shifts again, before taking a deep breath and the air that he releases is unsteady, and the voice that comes out even more so then that.

“It’s Justin’s isn’t it?”

And there it is, the one question that I was waiting for. He’s assumed the worst, but I can’t really blame him. Guys are so dense sometimes. I knew my body better than anyone else but it still doesn’t make the theory of the situation any better. This is so far from the way I had planned to tell my baby’s father that we were going to have a child. I tuck my hair behind my ears, something I’ve done for years in a nervous habit and I sit up, pulling the blanket that’s in my lap tighter around me.

All it took was one word to make lift his head, to get his full attention and feel his eyes boring back into mine. “No.”

I voice was firm and sure and it’s right now that the reality of all of this doesn’t sucker punch me in the gut. And this too shall pass.. His eyes are full of wonder and I might even see a little bit of hope in there, even if it’s a small glimmer, it’s something.

“It’s not? You- you’re sure?”

I nod steadily, and I almost burst into tears when he stands up, his hand reaching out and then quickly pulling it back. I can tell he’s not ready to believe anything for sure just yet.  He rubs the back of his head anxiously and I’ve witnessed this move so many times that I’ve lost count. He can be so insecure in himself.

“Yes Jace. I’m already three and a half months along.”

I hear him let out a small whoosh of relief and he actually does sit down beside me on the bed this time. His hand timidly reaches for mine but he doesn’t take it in his, but only rests it on top of mine.  “This thing with Justin?”

I know what he wants to know. Men can be incredibly dumb when it comes to the human body but in light of things, he deserves a small run down.

“This thing with Justin is what you just said. A thing. It’s over. I slept with him twice Joshua, less than a week ago. I was also still on birth control and I’m not dumb. I used protection. I’m one hundred and fifty percent sure that three and a half months ago you were the only one I was sleeping with. In fact, I can recall the exact night this happened.”

He pulls back a little, looking down at me and I know he’s wondering how in the world I know this. Like I said, there are some things women just know, especially when it comes to their own body.

“You know when it happened?” His voice doesn’t sound so shaky but I know he’s trying to hold it together.

I nod and grab a hold of his hand, taking him by surprise as I lace our fingers together, amazed by how effortlessly they fit. Suddenly a big wave of confidence floods through me and I use this moment to tell him, remembering it fondly.

“Yes. You had meetings that week and we had been busy as heck, going from one place to the next. The alarm had went off late that morning so we were rushing around and left in a hurry and I had forgot to take my birth control. We had got back that night were both burnt out and stressed  and I went right to bed and you went to your studio. I had woke up at like three a.m. and you still hadn’t come to bed so I went down to check on you.”

He smiled shyly, his head moving to look down at our hands joined together. His voice comes out soft but sure and this time it doesn’t crack or tremble. “I remember.”

“It was different that night Jace. I know you’d been busy and I understood but it was like it was just you and I just for that night. I felt you, almost re-learned your body. It had been so long since we laid together, talking, feeling, making love.”

His eyes dropped a little. “I know I was a lousy boyfriend, Erin and I’m so sorry for that. I have nothing to defend my actions with other then I buried myself in my career and I hate that about myself. I don’t want you to think that I didn’t know you were there though. I remember that night vividly.”  He picked up our joined hands and kissed my knuckles softly. “You came down wearing one of my t-shirts, looking gorgeous like you always do. I had asked you to listen to a track I had just finished and when it was over, I saw something in your eyes. One kiss led to a million more and it wasn’t long before we were crashing down together in that sweet release that I’ve only known with you.”

“Things weren’t always like this Jace. Your love for music what I love about you the most. Your dedicated. Music is just who you are. I should have understood better.”

He shook his head. “Don’t blame yourself anymore, Erin. It took two people to bring us to this point.”

What I wanted to say next seriously made me nervous and I second guessed it before I decided that things had already been at their worst. Now was not the time to hold things back. “”Being pregnant never even crossed my mind but in a way it makes a little sense. I know this doesn’t make anything better but it explains why my emotions and hormones were out of whack, why I was missing you so much.”
“Which makes me even more of an ass hole for not  being there for you.”  

I shook my head at his wounded state. We could sit here and play the blame game forever and it would get us no where. It felt better to see eye to eye though and with each word we spoke, it became a little easier to breath again. “Stop it Jace. We could sit and do this until we are blue in the face.”

He let out a frustrated sigh. “I know. It doesn‘t make me feel any better though. I mean if I‘d just been less of a selfish bastard and been there for you, none of this would have happened.”

I shook my head and reached up to cup his jaw, willing his eyes to look into mine. He looked sad and guilty and it almost made me forgot what I had done. Almost. “I think it’s safe to say that neither of us are perfect and we both know that. We can either moved past it or we can sit and go over this a million more times but it won’t do any good. I’m sorry for what I did and I know you are to, so leave it at that. I know it’s a long shot to ask you to forgive me  but-.”

He cut me off, one of his big warm hands coming to trap over mine on his face. He held it still, nuzzling his cheek into my palm. “I do, Erin. I really do. In no way do I think what you did was forgivable but it was partially my fault. It’s going to take some time but I’m going to move past this as long as you promise me that you’ll help me be the guy I once was. One who put you before me, who paid attention, who listened, who took time to love.”

I really did break down after he said that and part of me wondered if my hormones were going insane again. I cringed a little knowing I still had five and a half months of this left. Truth be told, I wanted my baby to have a father and I wanted that love that comes with having a family. Things started to look a little more clear and it didn’t’ seem that the light at the end of the tunnel was that far away but I wasn’t laying money on it. One step at a time. “Then I forgive you Jace. And I’ll give you time because I know we both need it. I know if you want, you can be that guy again.”

He placed his hand on my stomach gently, rubbing in slow circles and dipped his head down. When he looked back up, I swore I could see the shining of tears but I knew he was too brave to let them free. “We’re having a baby, Erin!”

Was he saying he wanted to do this together? Did he mean as friends because we were having a child together or as a family as we had once planned? There were still so many hurtles to get past. “You want to try this again? You‘re album-”

He nodded, as his hands went back to mine, holding them. “I think we owe it to each other to try this and my album can wait. I think some things are more important. I think we also owe it to our child. I know with time and understanding, we can get back to that place again, to where things were good. I never let go of all of the times we talked about having a family. I think we could do it.”

I stood up with confidence and everything seemed to make sense at that moment. “I know we can, Jace. We’re pretty strong, even when we’re weak.”

He smiled, looking down at me before his forehead bussed mine and then kissed it softly. We were quickly interrupted and the moment had past as someone came into my room insisting on doing an ultrasound right then and there. As they shifted me and lifted my gown, JC seemed like he was in the way so he stepped back. The moment I felt his hand leave mine, I snatched it back, giving him a look of fear and I knew he understood. He crouched down beside me, his hand coming to mine lacing our fingers together before kissing the side of my face, right in the corner of my eye. I may have been a grown woman but I was still scared. I had never been pregnant before.

Once they got everything set up, it wasn’t long before the doctor had flipped off the lights and began typing away at his computer. Once the invasive probe was put inside of me, he turned the screen towards us and clear as ever, was our baby staring back at us. I had expected to see a tiny dot, like a grain of rice but it was ten times better than that. The doctor pointed out all of the visible body parts, from the baby’s spine, to it’s eyes, arms and legs. I guess I forgot how easy things were to see, once you had reached a certain point in a pregnancy. We watched as the doctor moved around on the computer, doing all of the proper measuring and what not. It was almost too much to take in. I was going to a mother.

“Everything looks good. Baby is healthy and active. Heart rate is normal as well as the size.”  

I nodded, as he removed everything from me before covering me back up and taking the ultrasound machine, flipping on the lights and leaving the room. I looked over at JC, his eyes now visible with tears and I knew at that moment, that things were going to work out. They had to. If I couldn’t find the strength to do it for myself, I’d do it for my baby. My eyes mirrored his with tears, as I brought my hand up his eyes to brush them gently with my finger tips.

“You okay?”

He swallowed thickly, before nodding and leaning down to kiss me. It was foreign at first, not expecting him to want to kiss me so soon but my heart skipped a beat when he did so and those tingles I once knew came flooding back. “I’m great. I’m just trying to put this all together. We’re having a baby, Erin.”

I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. This was going to be a big adjustment for the both of us, among rebuilding what we had once lost but the size of the smile that was slowly creeping upon his lips gave me that feeling again that everything was going to be okay. He grasped my hand once again, strong and firm and I couldn’t hold the tears in any longer, letting them once again fall freely down my cheeks. This time wasn’t like the others though. These were emotions I hadn’t had yet since finding out that I was pregnant just moments before.  Scared to death was now replaced with delicate waves of reassurance and  I had little visions of what all the future would hold and with my hand placed firmly in the hand of the man beside me, it made everything that much more easy to deal with. Regardless of our mistakes hovering in the shadows, it made me see the possibility of a future and he was standing right there smiling back at me, and behind him was the light at the end of the tunnel.