Bittersweet Revelation
Part eleven

I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

Justin’s POV

I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve stopped to look at the world around me. It all seems to come and go pretty fast and then before you know it, it’s all blurred by and you don’t know where it ends and where you begin. It’s been a while now since whatever happened between Erin and I went down and I can honestly say that I miss her. As wrong and as cruel as it was, a part of me misses the most random things. I guess since I’ve had more than my fare share of one night stands and girlfriends that she out of all people would mean the least to me but that’s just not the case here.

I’ve known the girl- or excuse me- woman, forever and I’ve seen her at her best and at her worst. I miss most of all the way she’d lay against me as she slept and hang on as though I was going to escape her at some point. My girlfriend always slept away from me so it was something I guess I craved. Closeness seemed to but such a simple, diminutive thing but I’ve come to need it almost. And then there’s the fact that JC didn’t recognize what he had when she was standing right in front of him, infuriated me beyond my means. The mans always been pretty level head as well as a little sensitive and I guess I was completely blind sided when Erin confessed this to me. I know I saw little things on my own between the two of them but I figured it was just stress of JC constantly working on his album. It always seems to get in the way but they’d always bounce right back. I couldn’t help but wonder though, if I had met her first, where things might have been.

Erin is beautiful in so many ways. She’s got the best sense of humor than anyone I’ve ever met, she’s easy going, good natured, multi-talented and one of the sweetest people you’d ever have the pleasure of knowing. She listens when you need her and she’s just very down to earth. I hate myself when I wish  that maybe she was mine. I hate it when I lie awake at night and hope she’d come back to me and  know I could be the better man. It’s not about winning, it’s about who you feel you’re suppose to be with.

I don’t know whether I should call her. I know that JC had come home and from the looks of it, she was broken and hurt and wanted to try and fix things with him. He’s a pretty reasonable guy, although sometimes kind of dense with women, I’d bet that he forgave her. Erin used to be his everything. At least I thought she was. How he’d claim to love her and then be gone forever without more than the quick 2 second phone call is beyond me.

 I don’t know how I’m ever going to face him after this and I know things will probably never going to be the same. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again that I, Justin Timberlake am one of the biggest assholes in the world. I have no excuses for what I did and no sorry, pathetic story. I saw Erin in front of me, vulnerable and beautiful at the same time and I went with my instincts and I got what I thought we both wanted.  This in all honesty, had nothing to do with Jace. It wasn’t about winning, nor was it about trying to over power him and fill those spots he’d neglected to do. It was just sort of like a magnet, drawing me to Erin and when she accepted, there was no turning back.

There is no part of me that feels good about this, but in the end, it is what it is and I can’t go back and change things. I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend in a few days-no wait, it’s been weeks and though she knows we’re both super busy 99% of the time, this is just a little off. I think she deserves to know about this, even though it probably won’t happen again, with Erin at least. I can’t guarantee that I’ll never cheat again because the reality of it is, that I’m a selfish bastard and if theirs trouble within a ten foot radius, I’m probably going to find it. End of story. I really need to look around and reassess my life and find out what the hell I really want. I’ve won dozen of awards, toured the country and have had my fare share of women left and right. I’ve partied with some of the biggest names in Hollywood, sipped the finest drinks and had my fix of the best drugs you can get your hands on and what am I left with in the end? Nothing. Hollywood is not all it’s cracked up to be and neither is my life.

If I were honest to myself, I’d tell anyone the truth and that truth is that I’m lonely. Having everything really doesn’t mean jack shit. We’re all put on this earth to live, to breath, to succeed and to love. I’ve gone over this argument about fifty times in my head, telling myself that it was wrong, that I have to be the biggest prick in the history of pricks to sleep with my best friends girlfriend but a part of me misses her. What if it wasn’t wrong? What if Erin is the one I was meant to wonder this earth with? I’m not drunk, nor am I under the influence of drugs of any type. I’m thinking clearly and I’m so fucking sick of the words “what if.”

A part of me thinks that this might be karma, for all of the times I’ve done wrong and abused the physical aspect of sex. Well I wouldn’t necessarily say ‘abused.’ I’ve never forced a woman to sleep with me if she didn’t want to but I use the term in the sense that I wasn’t always in love with them. Sometimes guys are jackasses and think with body parts only in the southern region and don’t connect the emotional aspect of it with their brain. To us, sometimes it’s just sex. Like I said, this is probably karma. I’m going to end up alone. My music will eventually burn out and my fans will see me for the bastard I really am. I’ll lose my sex appeal and it will all go from their. I can just see it now.  “Tonight on E! news. Justin Timberlake. 30, burnt out, unloved and lonely.”  What a lovely ring it had to it.

I’m not saying I’m incapable of love because I am. I have had serious girlfriends and I’ve loved them from the depths of my toes all the way up to my diamond encrusted ears. It’s just always the same old story. Love burns out. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been used, abused and it all ends the same way. What a pathetic life. Love is a bunch of bullshit now that I think about it. I’m turning into such a sad excuse for a man. I think I need a therapist or something.

I wish I knew where I got off that wonderful path that god has in store for me but I fear I may not find it again for a longtime, if ever. Something tells me I’ll always be a nomad, always drifting here to there and never have any type of direction. Music will always be my passion but there’s also times that I think I’d like passion in my love life. Yes, I’ve just completely contradicted myself but in all honesty, karma and all this bullshit aside, I want the real thing, to fall in love and to settle myself on one woman. To wake up one day and know that I won’t be tempted by any other girl because she’s the only one and gives me all I’ll ever need. I want to be happy and to be one hundred and fifty percent satisfied.  I just wish I didn’t find that possibility in the most inappropriate of ways. I wonder if I’ll ever make it that far or to that point in my life but right now, it’s not looking very promising.

I guess I should make a list. A ‘better your life’ type of list if you will. I need to get my shit together and buckle down and be a man. I know I’m  capable of anything as long as I put myself to it. I’ve come to learn that life throws us curve balls and we just have to roll with the punches.

I think the first part of this list is to not only be honest with other people, but to also be honest with myself and that would be admitting that it’s time to end it with my girlfriend, in person and publicly. I don’t think she’ll be all that shocked honestly. I’m sure she’s getting hers too while she’s over there in whatever country she’s in. I think that’s why we stayed together- because we’re a lot alike. We both play this dirty little Hollywood game. It’s not about love. It’s about sex, lies and how far you’ll go to get it and keep it covered up. I dig my cell phone out of my pocket and hit speed dial number 7 and wait for the phone to ring. I tell myself that this is the right thing to do and I’ll be alright in the end. Hell, I’ve survived it before. I need to get my shit together and it’s not like I haven’t already walked down this road, I can do it once again. Public break-up number fifty two, here I come.