Bittersweet Revelation
Part Thirteen-I

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
Ive found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once Im at peace with myself
Ive been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
Im movin on


I’m sitting here in the doctors office, tapping my foot repeatedly against the stirrups they have me in, waiting for my doctor to walk in any second. My hand goes to the ever present bulge known as my stomach and it still shocks me till this day that I am pregnant and going to be a mother in less than two months. I will my eyes to stop the sting that’s nagging them, knowing that someone else should be here with me, holding my hand and excited to see if we can find out the sex of our soon to be child-- but he’s not. The baby’s been uncooperative when trying to find out what it is and I figured maybe this once, with it’s father here that he or she would show off and maybe we’d be able to find out.

Yes, JC called me a few weeks ago, nice as ever and willing to ‘work’ on things and see where they would go. This was suppose to be our neutral meeting place, the first time I wouldn’t have seen him since everything happened. A part of me thought that he’d had his time to think and maybe even mature a little bit but I know now that nothing has changed. He promised me he’d be here and it appears that he’s not going to show at all. Wonderful. I’m trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. All drama aside, I know I’ve messed up and I’m dealing with that but my number one priority is the baby that’s growing inside of me. He or she has been kicking like crazy today, making her appearance known every time I might forget that it’s in there. I swear this baby will be a gymnast.

I pick up a magazine on the table beside me, looking for something to keep me occupied while I sit here and wait some more. Jesus, what’s taking this doctor so long? I leaf through the recent  US Weekly and my eyes widen at the main story inside the index. It’s Justin. I might throw up. I scan over it some more, shocked that I’m actually reading what I think I am. “Justin Timberlake calls it quits with Hollywood Beauty.”  He broke up with her? Wow. I never thought he’d actually take it that far. I continue scanning the magazine and roll my eyes as I read what is ‘rumored’ to have happened. Justin cheated, oh my gosh. Like she didn’t do the same. Hollywood is such a dirty place to live. People live to stab you in the back. I still can’t stop thinking about the fact that Justin is now single. I haven’t spoken to him since, well you know. He’s called me but I’ve never answered when he did.

My cell phone has had plenty of messages from him and each time I listen, it takes me a lot of will power not to call him back but a part of me feels that it’s still betraying Jace. Justin still has no idea I’m pregnant, or at least I don’t think he does. Something tells me that he and JC have yet to speak to one another and I highly doubt that’d be one of the first topics of conversation. As far as I’m concerned, JC has no claim over me either. If he can’t make the effort to be a part of me and this baby’s life, I shouldn’t make the effort either. Life is way too short for this cat and mouse game.

Goodness. I sigh in relief as my doctor finally makes her way into the room, pulling my gown up and measuring my belly and poking around on it before she turns the lights off to begin my ultrasound. I really want to know what I’m having. By the look on her face, I can tell she’s going to warn me about my stress level and remind me that whatever stress I go through, isn’t good for the baby and can cause problems. I assure her that I’m doing my best and have been following everything she’s been telling me to do and taking those disgusting vitamins she gave me. I’m trying here. Fatherless or not, this baby will be loved and have the best life I can give he or she. I’m not the least bit concerned about myself.

***

I press my hand into my back, as I reach down and grab more border. I don’t know why I waited so long to decorate the baby’s room but it was something I got the urge to do as soon as I got home from my doctors appointment. My motherly instincts are kicking in. My child must have my sense of stubbornness because I still do not know the sex. I hope this baby likes light green and ducks for a color and theme. I refuse to paint it one color or another because I know either way, I’d end up with the opposite gender and I don’t want my baby growing up with an identity crisis.  

I wipe the sweat from my brow before I finally give up. I really am too pregnant to be doing this. I’ve only gained twenty five pounds and I know a lot of people hate me for it but I feel like a cow. My thoughts are distracted by a knock on my door. It’s weird living on my own and not having Jace around but at the same time, the independence feels really good. I waddle to the door, expecting it to be a friend or one of my sisters but the person standing in front of me, hands nervously in the pockets of his jeans, blue t-shirt sitting perfectly on his shapely frame has me on automatic mute.

It’s Justin.

The first thing that comes to my mind is how in the heck did he find out where I lived? My thoughts are put on pause as he shifts from one foot to another before he begins to speak.

“Hey.”

It’s a simple opener but why is my heart about to beat out of my chest?

 “Hi.” It’s equally simple. I take a deep breath. No stress. Stress is bad. Think of the baby.

He scratches the back of his head nervously. His hair is shorter than I remember  but the new look suits him.

“Can I come in?” He looks behind me, cautiously making sure no ones here. I know who he’s looking for.

I glance down at my stomach, it’s covered by my hooded sweatshirt so I guess it’s not obvious. I’m fine with that. Some things need to be eased into, right? Still I don’t know if I can do this. Talking leads to drama. Drama leads to stress and who knows what might happen after that. I always seem to step into trouble with Justin.

“Um, I guess so.” I move back from the door, allowing him step inside as I shut the door. I silently curse myself as a small breeze of his cologne meets my senses. Damn him for smelling so good. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

“Thanks. You’re place is really nice.”  He’s still looking around curiously, his hands still in his pockets. Jesus, do I make him that nervous?

“Thank you. How’d you find out I moved?”  I really want to know. How much does he know?

“I saw one of your sisters the other night. She mentioned it.” He looks down at the floor, eyeing it like it’s the most amazing thing he’s ever seen before looking up again. “Okay, I asked her.”

I lead us into the living room and motion for him to sit down, doing the same-- or more like plopping onto the couch. He’s sitting across the room from me. Distance is good.

“What for?”  I keep my tone light. I’m not here to yell at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. Well he did but it took the both of us. Ugh, I’m getting annoyed.

He swallows, and I can see his Adams apple move with ease, his elbows resting on his knees. “We just kind of left things unspoken. I called you. Didn’t you ever think I deserved some sort of explanation?”

“I cheated on my boyfriend Justin. It’s ruined everything.”

“I cheated on my girlfriend-- for you.”

What the hell? I don’t like where this is going.

“For me? What are you talking about? What we did was wrong.”

He licks his lips in that obsessive way he does. This was a really bad idea.

“Do you really think that Erin? Did you think I’d ruin everything between a man that’s like my brother and rip apart whatever mess was between my girlfriend and I just for nothing?”

“What are you trying to say, Justin?” I’m really confused as to where he’s going with this. I’m always wrong.

“I cared about you, Erin. I mean that.”

I look down, taking a deep breath. It feels like oxygen is scarce right now. Breath, Erin. Just breathe.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. Everything is messed up.”

He eyes my sympathetically before he gets up and moves to the seat beside me. I really don’t like where this is going. He has intentions in his eyes that I’m not sure I can handle. What I need right now is a friend.

His big hand reaches out to touch mine before he pulls it back quickly. The look of warning I gave him did what it was suppose to do.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to mess things up for you and Jace. I didn’t mean to make everything fall apart.”

I blink back the tears that I know want to fall. It stings really bad.

“I’m sorry too.”

His long fingers go to the bridge of his nose, pinching it as his eyes fall shut for a second. Not long after that, their looking back at me, piercing right through me. I hate the affect he has on me.

“Are you sorry about what happened between us?”

Oh gosh. Why’d he have to ask me that? I want to cry and throw up all at the same time. What a lovely combination. I shift on the couch, suddenly uncomfortable. Silence seems to tick by forever before I can speak. My mind is giving me a rundown, looking at everything in slow motion, analyzing it and studying it from every aspect. I think of what things were like with JC and what I felt from it and then my mind quickly flashes back to my brief time with Justin. In every moment that was wrong, it was a time in my life where I did feel cherished. I wasn’t just a convenient body to him, but he took his time and gave me what I needed and I did the same for him. I could over analyze the situation a million times and look at it in different ways and always find the wrong but a part of me feels that maybe-- a small part of it, even it’s so small to the point of nonexistent-- that maybe it was right and happened for a reason. Just maybe.

I run my hand nervously through over my hair, taking the time to look away as I tighten the pony tail sitting on top of my head before I look back and blink and it’s all like slow motion again.

“No, Justin. I’m not.”

He let’s out a breath of air and I can tell he’s been holding it in forever now. It feels kind of good to say it. I can tell he’s relieved and I can honestly say I am too because he did need to know that. It was important to me for him to know that I didn’t use him. Still it doesn’t change anything between us.

“Good. I’m not either.” He inches closer, and I want to move away but I can’t. We still have distance between us with him in the chair and myself on the couch. Yes. Distance is good. “I broke up with--.”

“I know. I saw.”

“You helped me realized I needed to do that a long time ago.”

What the heck am I suppose to say to that? The girl was a good friend but truth be told, she was a lousy girlfriend. Not that I’m one to talk. “Good, I think.”

“You did Erin. She wasn’t right for me. And it just proved to be the right thing to do when I walked in on her and some guy she was working on a movie with.”

Ew. She was even more classy than I thought. Cheating is one thing. Getting caught in broad day light is another. “I’m sorry Justin.”

“Stop saying that. I’m not. Things happen for a reason.”

“Yeah. So what all did my sister have to tell you once she told you where I moved.”

He coughed in that nervous way again and this is getting to be too much. I’m not going to shoot him. The tension is way to thick for my aura.

“She just said that you’d moved into your own condo and that things with you and um-- you and JC were kind of non existent right now.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s the best way to put it. It’s all my fault though. I messed everything up. I live with it every day.”

He did move right then, crossing that invisible line of personal space. His hand had suddenly reached for mine, strong and seeping with a sudden bought of confidence.

“Don’t you dare let all the blame fall on yourself, Erin. Yeah you messed up but it happens. I messed up do. We all make some mistakes in our lives but don’t for one second think this is all on you. Jace brought this on himself and trust me when I say this. He’s so far from perfect that it’s not even funny. You can’t have all this blame on you. It’s just not fair at all.”

“I never thought he was perfect but I know theirs more to that story.”

His hand squeezed a little tighter in my mine but I know he feels like he opened up a can of worms, still I want answers.

“Don’t ask me to dig up his demons. Just trust me. He’s not perfect.”

I know what that means and for some reason, it doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation but a part of me isn’t surprised. I was never good enough. Plain and simple. Our entire relationship was all a crock of crap. All of the times I thought I loved him or we made love, all feel like a lie now. Wonderful. “Yeah, go figure.”

And now, of all times, my child takes this moment to kick me right in the ribs, causing all the air in my lungs to leave quickly, causing me to gasp.

He leans forward, his hand dropping to my leg where it rests warm and heavy.

“Are you alright?”

I nod weekly, taking a few deep breaths. I don’t want him to know. Not right now. A part of me is almost scared to tell him.

“Just a stomach ache.”

He begins slow, soothing strokes on my leg and I hate that he has this affect on me, always willing to calm me down.

“Can I get you anything?”

My eyes follow his hand, staring at it blankly.

“No. I’m fine.”

He nods, finally looking a little relaxed. Thank god. I can’t stand another moment of awkwardness floating through my home. “Good. You’d let me know if you weren’t?”

I smile weakly and nod again. I either am seriously blessed because he hasn’t noticed that I’m over seven months pregnant or he’s just one of those dens men who don’t noticed things like that. Maybe he thinks I’ve just gained weight? Or maybe it’s all just hidden by this miracle sweat shirt. According to my sisters, all my weight is in my boobs and stomach. And it looks like I swallowed ‘a small basketball’ as they so charmingly put it.

His hand still hasn’t left my leg yet and it’s suddenly making me uncomfortable again.

“So seriously Justin, what are you doing here?” Yeah, I’m a bitch.

He pulls his hand away, suddenly insecure with himself and I hate it that I made him feel that way. Still, things are so up in the air. I use my evil words as self defense.

“I missed you, Erin. I don’t know what you think happened between us but it meant something to me. Yeah the circumstances were bad but I don’t just sleep around with my best friends girl for the hell of it. Something was drawing me to you. I took that feeling and went with it.”

And there goes all the saliva in my mouth and I can’t speak. I shouldn’t have let him in here. I shouldn’t have let him say this stuff to me. I tell my brain to shut up, feeling like if I respond in any way shape or form that I might have felt the same way, that it makes me the biggest creep in the world. Still at the same time, Justin’s words from earlier are echoing in my brain. ‘He’s so far from perfect, it’s not even funny.’  I guess I can only ignore the reality of things for so long.

“I missed you too Justin.” He smiles at this, but stays where he is. “But--.”

“Why does their always have to be a but?”

I shrug helplessly as I pull away from his grasp. I need breathing room. Yeah, that’s it.

“I just-, things are kind of insane right now. I’m trying to deal with all of-things.” I caught myself. This is hard not to spill the beans. “I’m still messed up from everything and it’s going to take me some time.”

He nodded and stood up, pacing the length of the room. I can tell I’ve just stomped on any intentions he had in coming here.

Finally, he stops and turns around. “Can I call you?”

I can only smell trouble, still I can’t stop my response. “I guess so.”

He smiles slightly, and I know he can tell I’m hesitant. “A phone call isn’t a death sentence, Erin.”

I stand, joining him and rolling my eyes. He eyes me funny and I pull my hoodie around my stomach so it’s looser. I don’t like that curious stare. “Gee, thanks for the info.”

He laughs and stands beside me as I walk to the door and it’s a silent agreement that he’s going to leave. His heels are hot on mine, so close that I can smell him again and I curse him for wearing something that makes me just want to rip his clothes off and have my wicked way with him.

He turns to me suddenly and once again it’s a little hard to breath. I haven’t had any kind of closeness since he and I did-- well you know. I haven’t attempted to date and forget about JC being there through any of this. I tell myself he’s busy. It makes it hurt a little less. Still, Justin’s standing here and I’m mentally cursing myself for thinking the things I am. He was always the best at the closeness. Never clingy but always good a giving you a hug right when you needed it. Even when we were friends, before everything happened, that was his best quality. That and making me laugh.

He stares at me for a bit before his hand is raised to my cheek and I swear he’s going to kiss me right about now and I might hyperventilate. But he doesn’t, instead his thumb goes to my cheek where it smudges across my skin slightly. He looks at me funny but his eyes are still hazed over, that deep penetrating gaze looking back at me.

“You’ve got paint on you’re face.”

I figured I looked like shit but now this has just been confirmed.

“I was painting the ba- the guest room.”

He looks at me funny but nods and smiles. Smooth move, exlax. I could have just opened this biggest can of worms ever. Still I feel like I don’t owe him anything, and that this information wouldn’t do any good when I have no idea where this-- whatever is between Justin and I is going, if anything. I don’t want to see the hurt or the fear on his beautiful face and I don’t want to sit and analyze every single damn thing. I want to live my life and keep my baby healthy.

“Painting, huh? I like your place. It’s homey.”

“You already said that.” I laugh slightly trying to ease the tension but he hasn’t moved. Maybe I’m the only one that feels the nervousness. I wouldn’t be surprised.

“Well I’m going to say it again.” He rolls his eyes and licks his lips again. Why is it now so intriguing to me? Hormones. That’s it. Keep telling yourself that.

His arms envelope me in a big hug, holding me tightly against him and even though he’s pushing my baby into my bladder like no tomorrow, it feels good. His arms have always been safe and  made me feel something I can’t explain. Putting all confusion and drama aside, I let myself savor the feeling, knowing it’s probably going to be a long time before I have anything like this again.

He pulls away slightly and I already miss the feeling. Still, even if it’s just a simple gesture, I want him to know. “Thanks. I needed that.”

He smiles as he leans in and I’m almost positive that he’s going to kiss me this time but my thoughts turn out only half true. He lips grave softly over my forehead , brushing the flesh quickly before he pulls back. “I did too. I’ll call soon. I promise.”

I nod, letting him know I heard him as I step back an open the door. He takes one glance back before he winks and exits. I take another deep breath, cursing the thoughts that are once again, mocking me in my head before I close the door and lean against it.

I’m trying to get a grasp on all of this. After all this time, he showed up at my door, acting charming as ever. I hate myself for feeling anything from all of this but the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t seem so bad. Justin is right. I need to stop blaming myself for all of this. Even if this turns out to be nothing, I could always use a friend.

I walk back down the hallway, eager to get back to finishing the baby’s room when I hear my cell phone ring on the ladder where I’d left it. I glance at it, reading the caller I.D. before it feels like all of the wind has been knocked out of me again. Shit. I really don’t need this right now.