Part Four-Deceit is a bitter pill to swallow
I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
and I'm feigning for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
Erin’s POV
My body feels lifeless right now. I can’t even sum up the words, the right words for what I’m feeling right now. I know they are out there somewhere, lingering on the tip of my bitter tongue. I should feel relaxed and slumberous seeing how I did just have sex, and if I do say so, it ranked in the amazing category. But that doesn’t matter because what I did was wrong. I just cheated on the one man I’ve loved with all of my heart. Do I have excuses? Of course I do, but that doesn’t make what I did right. I don’t even remember Justin carrying me to the bed and laying me down, sliding up behind me and spooning his body with mine and then covering us with a thin sheet. He didn’t talk, or try to explain himself. He simply held me as I sobbed silently. I swear I wasn’t one of those girls that cheated. I was never one to have to ‘have her cake and eat it too’ as they say. I loved JC for who he was and how he made me feel. He was my soul mate through thick and thin. I never once thought I’d find myself in this position, with his best friend of all people.
I don’t even know why, out of every male in this world, that it’s Justin I’m laying in bed with, wrapped in his arms. I never once looked at him like that, my eyes were always steadfast on Jace. But Justin was something. All guilt aside, he did give me something I haven’t felt in a long time. When he touched me, my skin became alive again. My body ached for it, to be loved, worshiped and desired. Though our romp was a bit rushed, he did take his time, loving me, moving in sync with my body, waiting for me to catch up and feel with him so we could reach that rapture together.
Even in those moments of passion, I knew what I was doing was wrong but I shut off that nagging conscience of mine and just enjoyed it. Justin smelled different, his beard had a different texture then JC’s. I was almost afraid that the burn he’d left of my chest would stay visible but thankfully it had faded. I honestly didn’t know where to go from here. Did I confess to my boyfriend and tell him everything and risk breaking what we had? Was I suppose to keep going along with this sinful adventure that Justin and I had going on? Hell, even he had a girlfriend. Not only did I cheat, I helped him cheat on his girlfriend. She was one of my closest friends, though I rarely we rarely spoke with her being gone so often. At times I could see the loss in Justin’s eyes. Almost like when she was away, a part of his soul was too. I have a feeling he saw the same thing in my eyes with JC being gone. I honestly hate myself right now. My boyfriend was off promoting a CD that deserved to be heard, finally and here I was playing the neglected girlfriend card and jumped into the first arms that opened.
But that was a lie. Things with Jace and I had started to go rocky a while ago. He was always gone, always doing this or that. He’d come home and hold me and sometimes it just didn’t feel the same. Almost as if something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but it had started a long time ago.
It still didn’t make what I had done right. Have I mentioned how much I hate myself? Because I do. I really, truly hate myself. I don’t know where to go from here. The damage has been done. What I hate most of all is why I haven’t gotten up and left this, without a second glance back. I hate that Justin holding me feels so good, comforting in some kind of way. I’m trying to find the willpower, the energy to push him away, pull his arms wrapped securely and comfortingly from my body. I wish I didn’t feel the less then smooth feel of his thumb run small circles over my side. Sometimes I honestly hate feeling, period. How sad is that?
I lie there, staring at the ceiling, listening to the soft whispers of Justin sleeping. Finally, thought I feel his body heat close to me, at least his blue eyes are closed for now, nothing making me think things I shouldn’t be. Right now, all I want to do is talk to my boyfriend. To hear his soothing voice in my ear and even though it won’t be, I just want to be reassured. Don’t ask me to explain that to you because I cant. I slip from beneath Justin’s lose grip he has on me, climbing out from under the sheet and I find my cell phone that had been carelessly tossed on Justin’s dresser. While over there, I rummage around in his drawers, searching for a shirt of some kind to cover my naked flesh. Guilt is eating away at me as it is, I don’t need to speak to my boyfriend in all my naked glory freshly touched by his best friend in the most intimate of ways.
Slipping out of the bedroom, I pad down the hallway and make my way to the living room and sitting down. I suddenly feel cold as I hit speed dial 1 and wait for the phone to ring. It takes a while but he answers with his usual “Hello?”
I reply, my typical “Hey sweetness.” just excited to hear his voice. It’s honestly been a while, I’m a little desperate here. Would I tell him over the phone? No, shit-I had more integrity then that. I only hoped the guilt didn’t drip passed my lips and be easy to read. Those thoughts were never given a second chance because as soon as I tried to ask how things were wherever he was, I was interrupted with the usual line of “Erin, I hate to cut this short but I have to get going. They need me on air like now.”
I bit my lip, nodding to no one at all as I hung my phone up without another word. I knew he was busy, trust me I did but not once in our all to brief conversation had I gotten a honey or baby, not even a quick love you, which at one point in our relationship he told me at least five times a day. Something seemed amiss, and with each second that passed by, my cheating seemed to eat a me a little less. I hadn’t’ even noticed how my eyes welled up and how tears were slipping freely now. I didn’t even bother to wipe them away as I stood and padded back down to the bedroom, slipping quietly into the bed next to a stirring Justin.
He opened his eyes, letting them come into focus and then his arms, welcoming me into the offered heat. I readily accepted, laying my head on his shoulder. He held me tightly against him, almost rocking my slowly and soothing me with this simple gestures. In a way, I felt like he knew. My pain was transparent to him, coming out in so many ways and directions and that’s all that moment was about. He pulled away, kissing me softly on the lips and whispering a comforting “It’s going to be okay, Erin. I’m here.”
Don’t ask me what it was or why but at that very second, I believed him and I let myself revel in his touch and be loved. I simply nodded, agreeing to his statement and I kissed him back. I laid me back on the wide bed, coming over me carefully, where his head seemed to rest on my breasts and his arms wrapped around me tightly, holding his ear to my heart. I stopped thinking at that moment, stopped letting the guilt get to me from what I had done because in a way, Jace had cheated me out of the love we once had. I honestly didn’t know what tomorrow held or next week or the month after that but it was right here that it didn’t matter.
I was being loved, being cherished and something about it felt right. Pushing away everything, I readily accepted his lips against mine once more, this time lingering before I whispered, “I need you Justin.”
His kisses became more reverent, increasing speed and intensity as he looked into my eyes, so strong and fierce. “I need you too, Erin. You have me.”
