Part Five-Something's Missing

Leave unsaid unspoken

eyes wide shut unopened

You and me always between the lines

between the lines

JC’s POV

I’m laying here, staring up at the ceiling and my mind is going a mile a minute. I’ve been busy, non-stop for what seems like days and this is the one place I have wanted to be ever since. My own bed, the smells are the same, it feels just like I remember it as my tired body sinks into the mattress and the sheets feel the same, cool and smooth against my aching body. I should be asleep right now, like I said I’m exhausted but I’m not. This bed seems cold because Erin isn’t here. I’ve tried her cell and she hasn’t picked up. Her car is in the drive and that thought should worry me but something tells me she’s just out with one of her girlfriends. I’m laying here, missing her like crazy. I have to give her props for not being one of those clingy types. She accepts me and my career for what it is and goes from there. She doesn’t blow up my phone and ask me what I’m doing or where I’m at all the time. She just goes with the flow. Most guys would be lucky to have a girl like Erin. I’m a lucky guy.

She is everything to me. From the day I first met her, she’s been by my side. I always say she blind sided me. Now don’t get me wrong, because we’ve had our ups and downs just like any other couple. She’s special though.  She’s this gorgeous girl with a personality that makes her shine watts above the sun. You know exactly the type I’m talking about. Like one of those people who just walks into a room and everyone takes notice. Yep, that’s Erin for you. She’s never asked much of me, just that I love her as much as she loves me and I do. Sometimes I think I don’t even deserve her. I’ll admit, I have my faults and I’m no where near perfect. I’m a guy and I make mistakes, but I won’t go into that not. I roll back over to my back, tucking my hands behind my head and suddenly this bed feels massive with just myself inside of it. I reach over for my phone and try her number once more, and don’t get an answer. I can’t remember the last time I talked to her, like really had a flat out conversation with her. Gosh, I’m starting to worry now. Maybe Justin knows where she might be? I quickly dial his cell and frown as I get a busy signal. Where could she be?

Suddenly I feel like the biggest ass of a boyfriend on the face of the earth. I should have called her, kept in touch no matter how busy I’ve been. A phone call only takes a few minutes but apparently I’m too much of a selfish bastard to know that. I dial her cell once more, willing her to pick up. At this point, I just want to know she’s safe. I have to know. I suddenly have a bad feeling about this. Something just doesn’t feel right. A roll over to my side, pulling her pillow to my chest and it smells just like her. It’s been forever since I’ve held her in my arms or loved her like she disserves. When she comes home, I’m going to change that. I will not fuck this up.

Time ticks away slowly and its 3a.m. and I think I must have dozed off before I feel the bed shift and roll over to see her sliding in, clad her typical tank top and shorts. It’s been forever and I honestly can’t wait to feel her skin against mine. I need to hold her, feel her, breath her in. She slides in on her side of the bed, covering herself up and rolling to her side in the usual position she sleeps in. She must not know I’m awake because time goes by and she hasn’t said a word to me. Should I be hurt that she hasn’t curled up against me? We always sleep spooned together, hearts beating as one. I’m tired of waiting so I move over, sliding my front against her back, wrapping my arms around her waist and whisper in her ear. “Hey sweetheart. I’ve missed you.” I feel her still in my embrace and something doesn’t feel right. She smells kind of like herself but I can’t quite place my finger on it, but it’s mixed with something that’s a mystery to me. Maybe I’ve been away too long. Her silence is confirmation that I’ve fucked up bad.

“You okay?” I ask. She moans, confirming that she’s fine I think, and curls more into herself. By now, I feel almost as if she’s trying to get away from me. “Tired.” she mumbles. So this is a different side of her, one I haven’t seen in a long time. I just came home from being away for weeks and is it selfish of me to expect a little more of a warm welcoming? I don’t want to fight tonight. I just want to be with her, even if it’s only to hold her as I sleep.

I run a soft kiss behind her ear, something I always do before we go to sleep. She doesn’t tremble like she used to. What the hell is going on? “Everything okay, Erin?” I ask, holding my breath. Silence. I swear, it feels like a year has ticked by before she answers me. I’m starting to doubt myself and all the times I’ve fucked up. Maybe it’s too much for her and things have changed. I can tell you one thing though, something is definitely missing. Her answer comes with a bit of an edge but not very loud. “No Joshua. Everything’s not okay, but I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

My heart drops down to my stomach and suddenly I am the worlds biggest ass. I know this is my fault. I should have called, should have made the time. Should have been not so damn selfish. I feel like worlds worst boyfriend right now. Why do we always hurt the ones we love the most? Is it inevitable or something? I’m never going to fall asleep now. I want to make things right but I have no idea how. She’s probably already sound asleep by now, not wanting to hear whatever I have to say. I’m going to make this right. I refuse to lose her. Erin is my everything. Right now the only thing I can do to calm my fears is pull her even closer to me. I lean over her and buss her forehead as I always do and feel her skin in contact with mine and it feels right, but something is missing. I’m going to make this right though. I’m an ass whole and I know it. I just hope my love is enough and that doesn’t give up on me. I need her, I need her so bad.

I whisper the only words I can right now, hoping that as she dreams they somehow reach her heart. “I’m sorry Erin, I’m so sorry baby.”