Erin’s POV


I’m dripping with sweat.

I take a deep breath, in through my nose, out through my mouth. I’m running, sweating my ass off. Ten more minutes on this damn treadmill. I can do it. It’s like I’ve got something to prove and by god, I’m going to do it. I’m hoping, wishing even, that this work out will just for once take my mind off the whirl wind it’s been on in the past month because right now, I don’t want to think that. My hearts pounding, my skin is clammy and I can only concentrate on one thing and one thing only. Running towards that three mile goal that I’ve set for myself. Working out is something I feed off of. It makes me feel good and like I said, right now I’m somewhere else.

I’m not with Justin, or JC at the moment. I’m with myself- my own thoughts, my own problems and it’s here where I sort them out. I don’t know why but it’s now when my mind seems to clear out in front of me and trust me, I’ve got plenty to sort out.

I’m almost there, and I can’t freaking breathe right now. I just got a drop of sweat in my eye, even though my hair is pulled back in a pony tail, this burns if I might add. I reach for my gym towel and blot my face, carefully wiping off my eye. Give me two more minutes and I’ve got this. I continue running, then once I reach my three mile limit, I jump off the treadmill, my legs feeling like jello and I take a long draw from my water bottle. I turn my ipod, removing the headphones from my ears. I hunch my back, palms going to my knees and I’m trying so hard to breath. As much as this hurts, it feels good too. It’s an odd kind of good.

I’m standing here, hunched over, trying to get air into my chest when I feel arms snake around my sweaty waste and I nearly scream at the top of my lungs.

“Holy shit, Jace! You scared the shit out of me!” I yell, as I turn to see him standing there, blue eyes smiling brightly, and a bouquet of the prettiest wild flowers I’ve ever seen.

Ok, so maybe I’m not somewhere else, when I have a gym in my home. Well, my boyfriends home, or our home- whatever.

He steps back a second, before enveloping me in his arms and rubbing my back softly. I try so hard not to melt into his touch but something’s different right now and it’s taking me over. “I’m sorry babe. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

I pull back, guilt rushing over me. I want to erase everything and start all over. I can’t do this. I’m sick of feeling one thing one moment and the complete opposite the next. I want off of this sick rollercoaster. Something tells me it’s not healthy. Suddenly my face softens and I smiled at him and I reach for the flowers, smiling as I smell them.  One of his large hands comes up to cup my face and I turn in his embrace, my cheek tingling like it once used to and it’s all too much right now. How do I tell him that I slept with his best friend? How do I tell him that for the passed four years that I loved him, have pretty much been destroyed. I can’t bare to see his face hurt, to look into his deep blue eyes and see a somber shade of gray. I just can’t do it.

I gather my pride, my dignity and my love for this man and I swallow this bitter taste that settles in my mouth. In the end, I’m probably going to end up alone. Not only have I probably ended a long friendship between two men who are like brothers, I’ve torn my heart to shreds in the process. I told myself I’d never be one of those women who cheat, who have to have their cake and eat it too and that’s exactly what I am. I’m not proud of it and I won’t blame JC for this but it was a two sided relationship and I took the short end of the stick in the end. Sometimes the world can be such a cruel fucked up place.

I’ve got two options right here and now. Number one would be to tell him the truth, to forget that he’s standing here, nuzzling my face like he always used to do when he’d been gone for long bouts of time, swallow the lump in my throat and tell him that I’ve betrayed him, that through all the time he’s been gone I’ve felt neglected, unloved and not important in his life and I’ve slept with his best friend. One quick rip of a band aid, and it’s over. Or I can stand here, hug him back, smile like I’ve missed the hell out of him, attack his gorgeous face with kisses and just forget this whole mess happened.

But all cheating aside, I’m better then that.

I pull back, leaving his embrace, willing his hands to not touch me. I have to do this. I’m not a coward and I won’t live my life in this sick and twisted whatever-you-want to call it. I owe it to him to tell my boyfriend that I’ve ruined everything. I try to swallow but suddenly my mouth feels like cotton. All the saliva has vanished and it’s hard to find my words, but I have to do this. The clock is ticking.

“Jace, we need to talk.”

He looks at me, his eyes full of question but nods, trying to grab my hand. I dodge his grasp and continue. “This isn’t easy for me to say but I’ve got to do it.”

His brows move together, and I can tell right now he’s really confused. “It’s me babe. You can say whatever you need to. I’m here.”

Damnit, I hate that when he calls me babe, my heart skips a beat. I once thought any physical reaction had died out but it hasn’t and the reality of what I’ve done hurts even worse right now. How the hell could I have done this to him? To us?

Here goes nothing. “You’ve been gone a lot and I’ve missed you. Things have changed. I tried to deal with it, tried to-.” I say before I’m interrupted by his god-for-saken blackberry chirping loudly in the pocket of his cargo pants. He holds a hand up, apologetically, before he turns his back to me and takes the call.

I shake my head, suddenly not feeling as guilty and now it’s easier to breath and I can easily swallow now. I grab my bottle of water and my ipod and leave the room that he’d set up as a home gym and make my way to our bathroom to shower. I don’t want to be around him right now. If he can’t listen to me for five damn minutes, I’m not going to bust my ass to tell him this unfortunate news.

I quickly undress, turning on the taps and waiting for the water to warm before stepping in to the shower. I sigh as I let the steam and warmth pound gently onto my skin and relax my aching muscles. I’m tense as hell and on the brink of a breakdown. I can feel it. Every nerve inside of me is twisted to the max, full of stress, my body racked thickly with guilt, a guilt I’m not sure I should even feel but I do. I’m one of those people who’d feel something for a stranger if they were hurt so this would be no different. Especially since I loved this man, parts of me still do but right now, they’re bruised to the max.

I reach for the shampoo, squirting some into my hair before lathering it thickly and then rinsing. I stand there, listening to the sound of the water meeting the tile floor, the sound almost relaxing as it drowns out the thoughts skittering through my mind. I wish I could start over. I wish I’d had just told him that his being away bothered me. I wish that Justin had never looked at me as though I was the only woman on the planet, making me something I hadn’t felt in years. I wish I hadn’t went with him that day, that I had said no the day he’d kissed me. That I wouldn’t have been so vulnerable and that Jace had been there for me, to love me the way I deserve.

I forget my thoughts, once again, wishing for once my mind would just shut the heck up. I’ve spent days, minuets, seconds analyzing all of this and nothing is making any sense right now. I grab my loofah and body wash and try to wash myself of any traces of Justin. It’s been days since I’ve been with him but the picture of his face isn’t far from my minds eye. I just want to forget this. A part of me wonders what I’m still doing here. Why didn’t I just leave? I did the damage, therefore it was my job to move on elsewhere. I don’t know what’s keeping me. My home is here with JC, my whole life built around it. My comfort and my things that make me feel at home. Too bad he’s usually missing from that puzzle piece.

Once I’m done, I step out of the shower and reach for a towel and almost scream out loud at the vision of JC sitting there on the toilet, head hung low waiting for me. I suddenly feel awkward standing in front of him like this, naked. It’s been so damn long. I mentally curse myself again as his intense scare causes good bumps to form on my skin and I know it’s not because I’m freezing. I wrap the towel around me tightly, tucking it into one side. He licks his lips, still staring at me and I don’t have a good feeling about any of this right now.

He comes up behind me, as I stand in front of the sink, wiping down the steam that’s covering the mirror and begin to comb through my hair. One of his big hand palms my side and his breath is right by my neck. “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I shut my phone off though so I‘m all ears.”

He tucks his chin on my shoulder an watches me, something he always used to do while I got ready after my shower. It almost hurts me to tell him this but I’ve got to do it. I lay the brush down, and turn facing him. His hands immediately going to cup my face and I bite my lip. I can not give in right now. A touch doesn’t make up for the lack of time you’re there for someone you’re suppose to love. I look up at him, his eyes shining brightly and I can tell I have his full attention right now. I can’t even look him in the eye because I know once I do, I’ll crumble. Why? Because his eyes are the one thing made me fall for this man. I swear I could get lost in them. They chance color with his mood. I’ve never seen eyes such a shade of blue before. They go dark and gray when he’s upset too and I don’t want to be that person.

“Can I get dressed first?” I ask, trying to side step his touch. He nods but doesn’t let go. Instead he leans forward and captures his lips with mine in a sweet, lingering kiss. I will not give in, I will not give in, repeats over and over in my head. This man and his lips, his touch, are going to be the death of me. I try to pull away but he comes back in, hands coming up to cup my head and I gasp and that was my first mistake. His tongue dives in, tasting with mine shyly and I can’t help but to feel the constant thudding in my heart. It’s just like it used to be, he tastes the same, my skin is reacting to his touch, the way it once did. Before I know it, he’s backed me up against the sink, his hands coming softly to my hips before hoisting me up on the sink and pulling my towel up to my thighs so he can make room for himself between them.

He pulls back from my lips finally, his head coming down to buss mine before he smiles down at me genuinely. “I’ve missed you Eirbear.” Shit. My heart is thudding loudly in my ears as I hear him say that damn nick name. He’s been calling me that for years and each time I hear it, I fall more and more in love with him. It’s evident at that moment that I’ve never actually fallen out of love with him but the revelation that I cheated is less then quiet.

“I’ve missed to too Jace. You have no idea how much.” I say as I look into his eyes, which is my first mistake. I take a deep breath. “But things have changed.”

He looks at me confused. “I know I haven’t been home much and I’m sorry. You know promoting this album could make or break me.” I nod in agreement, wanting nothing more than for this CD to be his big comeback. He deserves it so much. He grabs my small shaking hands in his, lacing our fingers together. “I know I haven’t called much and that’s all going to change. I’ve had time to think about it, about what an ass I’ve been and I know you deserve so much better. I promise I’m going to make it up to you sweetheart.”

I close my eyes and fight back the tears but it’s too late. They’re already slipping down my cheeks freely and I don’t even attempt to wipe them away because in the end, I know they’re going to keep coming. It’s everything I’ve wanted to hear for a long time now, escaping his soft lips. Everything I’ve tossed and turned over, that I’ve contemplated and hoped for but it’s too late and it’s all my fault. I wanted him to realize what he was doing to me mentally, that in the end it all hurts when the one that suppose to love you, can’t even take the time to call you when he’s gone. The words have almost no meaning now because I’ve fucked everything up. God I hate myself sometimes.

He’s looking down at me now, eyes full of concern before I feel the tips of his fingers trying to brush away but I can’t stand it. I push them away and stand up, away from him in the spacious bathroom and walk into our adjoining bedroom. He’s following me, hot on my heels as I reach into my dresser drawer and pull out a pair of panties and pull them on in one swift motion. I reach for a t-shirt and a pair of cut off shorts and toss them on the bed, walking to it and begin drying off and dressing and my tears haven’t stopped yet. Their still flowing freely full of guilt, heavy on my skin. JC comes up behind me, his hands on my shoulders rubbing slow circles and it’s just too much.

“What is it, Erin?” he asks pleadingly. I take a deep breath, not wanting to be a big wimp and sit there and play the ‘poor me’ card. I did this on my own, in full daylight without a drop of alcohol or a milligram of drugs in my system so I have to stand up and face this. Rip off the band aid, I tell myself. I’m trying to be strong, to just do this but a part of me knows I’ll have to leave after. I’ll have to walk away from everything I once knew and everything in this home I’ve built the foundation of my dreams on with this man. In the end, I’ll end up alone.

I pull away from him once again, thinking that feeling his touch on me will burn my skin and I’ll be covered in that horrible feeling of guilt. I know though, that as I stand here confessing this to him, bawling my eyes out and crumbling that his arms around me are the one thing that I’ll need but it can’t be that way, not this time. I did this to myself. I feel him shuffle not far behind me, but he’s keeping his distance and I look back to see he’s got his hands shoved in the pockets of his pants, eyes wide and waiting. “Whatever it is, we can fix it.” he says and I smile to myself wishing that were true but I know it’s not.

I turn to look at him, not taking a step closer and urging him to stay where he is. All it will take is one tiny whiff of his scent or one soft touch of his hand and I’ll crumble, more than I already am right now. “You can’t always fix things, Jace.”

He looks like he’s strong in thought. “Why don’t you just tell me what it is and we’ll go from there. Come on honey, you’re scaring me here.”

I shake my head but nod at him. I’m scaring myself. “I don’t want to say the words.” I feel like my throat is closing up right now, and once again, all the saliva in my mouth is gone and it resembles the feeling of cotton. How the hell did I get myself into this mess?  My palms are beginning to sweat as my fists are clutched tight and my nails are digging into my skin. I can see he’s getting nervous now and it almost makes me want to confess this with my eyes closed, doing everything in my power not to see somber shade of gray his eyes will turn to. I really hate myself.
“Just say it Erin.” He moves to walk towards me but my hand goes up and I stop him.

“Don’t Jace. I promise you’ll hate me when I’m finished.”

He looks at me, eyes widely and I can see he’s almost in shock right now. “Hate you? Erin, what the hell are you talking about? I’m in love with you.”

My lips tremble, eyes still pouring tears freely and I just stare at him, looking blankly. He stares back and his face goes blank and I think he knows. “Did you-.”

He’s cut off by my burst of fresh tears but these aren’t silent. They’re brought on by a loud sob as it’s all too much and it racks my body roughly. He has to know now. I hiccup, trying to find my breath and I know now that the confession will come out. It’s all over. Everything I built up with him, the highs and the lows all boil down to this one moment. I’m about to crush the man I love. I look down, my head hanging low in shame and I don’t have to look to know his eyes are probably red right now, burning with tears. I’ve never hated myself more than at this moment. I gather what little pride I can find but it’s not much at all, just enough to find the words that come softly from my lips, but loud enough for him to hear. “I slept with Justin.”