Bittersweet Revelation -Force of Gravity
Part 8
I remember the days I still could breathe
Now I’m sinking beneath, the waves are crashing over me
The empty space, I lay between
Is all that’s left of where our love was meant to be
JC’s POV
I swear that it was that moment, that my world stopped. I couldn’t breath, couldn’t think but all I knew was that the world around me seemed to come to a halt and it was like the room I was standing in seemed to swallow me up whole. I didn’t know what to say, what to do but I knew right then and there that my heart had been officially crushed.
Erin, the girl I had been in love with for years, who I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with had cheated on me, but not with just anyone. With my best friend. How fucked up is that? Justin was my brother, save the fact that we didn’t share genetics. He had shared every up and down with me, going through trials and tribulations that musicians often go through. He’d been by my side through the best and worst moments in my life, knew nearly everything about me and yet he had still betrayed my trust and been with the one woman I love in the most intimate of ways. And fuck, he not only slept with my girlfriend, he cheated on his also. This situation seemed to get worse by the second.
I finally looked up, my eyes stinging with tears, my heart ripping to shreds by every second that past. Erin was standing there, tears streaming down her face, her stature looking shaky and about to crumble. How the hell did I get here? Last I knew, I had just come home, was going to surprise my girlfriend and spend the rest of the night figuring out what this new found distance between us had been about. Now it all made sense and I didn’t think I had all the glue I needed to fix it. I tried to find my voice but my mouth suddenly seemed dry and it was hard to swallow. It seemed all the saliva I needed to speak had been drained from every crevices of my mouth and the taste that sat on my tongue was suddenly bitter.
“You slept with Justin? Out of all the fucking people in this world, it had to be him, Erin?”
She looked down at the ground, not being able to meet my eyes and I knew this was hard for her to but right now, I really didn’t give a shit.
“Nothing that I say is going to make any difference Jace. All I can do is say I’m sorry over and over again. You were always gone and I was sick of feeling like I was always at the end of the line in your list of priorities. Justin was there for me, always wanted to listen. I swear to god, I didn’t initiate this.”
“At the end of the line? Is that what this is about Erin? I did my best to be there for you, to treat you like the you deserved. I guess it wasn’t good enough.”
“Your music is your life Joshua and I know that. I just think it got to be too much for me. I know I should have said something, should have just walked away but I believed in you, in us. I thought you’d come to your senses and it’d be like before. I guess I had that false hope that we could be like we used to. I can’t take this back but all I can say is I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen.”
My muscles tensed, my hands forming fists in at my sides. I was trying to piece all of this together, trying to make sense of it but it was hard. Was she telling me I wasn’t the best boyfriend? Ok, so I’ll admit, my music is my life. It’s who I am. I tried to make her feel loved, to feel important because at the end of the day, she was my heart that I came home to. I pictured growing old with her, maybe one day having a child-one that had her eyes. They were the most rare color of green. It was then that I saw every pictured I’d ever painted so far away.
Maybe she wasn’t the only one to blame. It was stupid of me to think she’d stay here and wait for me. She was this gorgeous girl in her late twenties, the brightest personality with loads of talent. In the end, I guess I had put her on the backburner but she always stayed. Maybe this time, she got sick of it and Justin was here to give her what she needed. Justin- out of all people. God, it made my skin crawl picturing the two of them. I thought I knew him better. Thought this, thought that, it’s all one big fucking mess. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I swallow the lump in my throat, willing away my lunch to stop crawling upwards.
“You’re right, Erin. I’m married to my music. I’ve worked my ass off for the past how many years and you’ve always been there for me but when I finally get there, finally make it-you bail on me! Just like that.”
“Damnit Jace, don’t turn this around to being all my fault! Do you know what it’s like to sit at home when you don’t even know where your boyfriend is? To not hear from him for days? Fucking days! Don’t sit there and tell me that you wouldn’t be hurting too. I missed the hell out of you. For god sakes, the last time I made an attempt to call you, you seemed to not even care, you interrupted me and ‘had to go’. Do have any, ANY idea how that feels? No you don’t because you’ve always had SOMEONE. It’s never been a big deal for JC Chasez to find some company in the bedroom now is it? How am I suppose to know you‘re not out partying with girls pawing all over you?”
I did cry after that. I tried to hold off, and be a man but I was literally breaking into small pieces right here.
“You’re right. I walked all over you. I kept you around because I loved you. You stayed and waited for me and I went on like it was all okay. Why in gods name did it have to be with Justin though? The guy is like my brother, Erin. You know this.”
She sniffled, trying to surpass her tears that were evenly streaming down her face now. I’ll be dammed if I didn’t want to wrap her in my arms still. Pieces of me were broken, but I still had a few left fully intact.
“I have no idea. None. I’ve never looked at him like that, ever! He came over to get something of yours. I was in the bedroom getting dressed and he accidentally walked in on me and I flipped out on him. Then later, he stuck around and we got to talking. I was hurting for what seemed like the millionth time. He wanted me to talk about it, blah, blah, blah. Was all sympathetic and next thing I know, he was kissing me. I knew it wasn’t you and I knew it was wrong, but I craved it Joshua. As sick as that sounds, I was desperate for something you couldn’t seem to give me.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes because after hearing this, I lost it ten fold. Hearing why she did this, who she did it with, how it happened was all slapping me in the face. I was coming out as the asshole and couldn’t even blame her anymore. I was the lone musician who had worked his ass off, who had married music as my life and I’d be left an old, lonely man in the end. Other girls had taken a back seat to my career and they had all left. Erin was something special when I met her. She’d swept me off my feet and though I had swore off women for a while, wanting to focus on my work, she was just someone that I couldn’t forget about. She was my something special. She had been through the ringer, always there for me, always dealing with me being gone, constantly working and I guess it was that it was now that it finally got to be enough. I really couldn’t even blame her.
I didn’t say anything for a long time. I just stood their dumbfounded, my cheeks wet with tears just like hers were. It was hard to see, hard to think but I couldn’t move. After several minutes had past, I felt her touch my arm and she was right beside me. My skin still reacted the way it always had when she touched me, it became alive but now, this time it was different. She wasn’t the same person she once was and in the end, neither would I be.
Her hand cautiously reached up to my face where her fingers tried to brush my tears away. As numb and as angry as I was, I still felt them. They were as soft as they once were and just like I always remembered. My mind flashed back to the good times we did once have. She was always my biggest supporter, always had my back, reminding me to keep my head up when I was turned down by this record label or that management team. She was the first to hear those heart wrenching melodies that I had stayed up until five in the morning perfecting, which were mostly about her. She was the first person to wrap her arms around my neck and kiss me silly when I was hard on myself, reminding me that to her, I was everything and that’s all that ever mattered. It was her soft loving body that would always show me just how much I was loved before we’d go to sleep at night. She held nothing back, always giving me all of her and in the end, what did I have to show that I gave in return? Nothing.
Here she was, still trying to console me and even though I was more angry then words, when I think about it, those words had a bittersweet taste to them. There were always two sides to a story, two people in the mixture and I was standing in the middle of the storm. I didn’t know which way to turn. Part of this was my fault, the other half hers but when it came to give an take, there was no definite one word verdict. Half of me wants to walk away from her, rip my arm free of her touch and never think about it again, the other half wants to wrap her in my arms, holding her close to my heart as I often did, will away all of this and hold her there forever, breathing in the scent of her. I’ve never been more torn in my life. At no point in my life did I ever think cheating was acceptable, nor did I ever think out of all the people in my life it’d be Erin, with Justin none the less, but you know what they say- no one’s perfect, and that includes me.
She looks up at me, with pleading eyes, just looking for some reaction. I just don’t trust my words right now. “Say something, please.”
I finally meet her eyes, choosing my words carefully. “I’m so sorry. For everything, for never being there, for taking you for granted.”
I can tell she’s shocked and not expecting words like these to leave my lips but I owe her this, at least. “Jace, you don’t have to-.”
I stop her, because I need to say this. I think the air in my lungs and the beat of my heart depend on it. “Yes I do.” I sniffle, turning towards her and grabbing her hand and lacing our fingers together like we once did. I’m amazed but they still fit, like two pieces in a puzzle, they hook together to create one. “I’m sorry for not being the guy you deserved, for never being there when you were always here for me. I’m sorry I made you take a back seat to my love for you, for all those nights you slept alone, having no idea where I was. For-”
I can’t go on any further. It all came screaming back at me, like waves of angry water swallowing me whole and I just couldn’t continue because my body couldn’t stand it.
“Jace, stop! Sorry has been said enough and I think it’s going to wear out it’s welcome if it already hasn’t. We could sit here until we’re blue in the face, trying to find all of the rights and the wrongs when it’s clear we’re both to blame here. You tell me what the next step is? What do you want to do?”
I look at her, stepping away because I really don’t even know, but all I do recognize is that I’m never going to be able to decide with her standing her so close to me, fingers laced with mine because I know deep down, I do still love her. A part of me always will, I’m just not sure that it’s enough.
I took a deep breath, because what I needed to ask her was hard but still I had to know. “How many times did you sleep with him, Erin?”
She pulled her arms around herself like a shield, and I could tell she was ashamed and just hearing the words out loud made her feel dirty. “Twice.”
I nodded solemnly, willing away the mental picture of my best friend touching my girlfriend in ways that only I had. My stomach churned. “And do you have feelings for him or was this just a one time thing?” My voice took on strong bite of anger as I asked that but I couldn’t prevent it. I was in a war of emotions with myself.
Her chin tipped up, going into that strong independent woman she always was and I could tell we were back to spitting nails at one another. “Before I answer that, tell me one thing.”
I’m weak by now so I finally collapse on the floor and lay my heavy head against the wall. “Okay.”
She looks at me, strong and almost like she’s dreading what she’s about to ask and what my answer will be. I hate myself but she’s standing there, in work out clothes, the sweat that had once covered her is gone, tear tracks clear on her face, not a drop of make up evident and still she looks beautiful. I need to snap out of it. Clearly that’s not the point here. “Tell me that in all the years we’ve been together, that you’ve never once been unfaithful to me.”
My eyes widen, and I look at her dumbfounded. Never did I think her question would be as heavy as that. I scanned my brain, trying to remember everywhere I’ve went in my life and who I’ve met. Nights I numbed myself with alcohol and kicked back with the guys. I’ve met so many people in my days. Some gorgeous, others not and it’s then a revelation hits me.
She looks on, waiting for an answer, her lip beginning to tremble and a fresh batch of tears slowly makes their appearance. Time ticks on and I can’t say a word, I can’t give her an answer because even though it might not damage what we have, I’d look like a fucking hypocrite. She nods slowly, answering her own question, shaking her head before she turns to walk out of the room. Not one word spoken, not the sound of anything slamming. Just the silent whisper of the room becoming nearly empty.
II choke out a sob, the silence becoming all too much. In the end, I was drowning, and I would be left alone, one step closer to becoming that old, lonely dried out musician I had dreaded turning into.
Author's Chapter Notes:
It's been a while but I'm starting back at this story. Hopefully coming to an end sometime soon. I hope someones still reading out there. I had the idea of just ending it right now but I've got too many ideas running through my head. Anways, here's part 8. Be sure to review :)
Story Tags: affair triangles justin
