Bittersweet Revelation
Part nine- By a Thread
Stretched like a canvas
Nailed to a frame
This is as far as I can go
Who could have planned this
Who's left to blame
Must I always be the last to know
My paintings fall to pieces, timely pieces
With no one to claim me
JC's POV
I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase before, you know the infamous ‘Where do you go when you’re broken?’, because broken is what I am right now. My house is empty and felt cold, Erin no where in site. My CD promotion had come to a halt, finishing up what absolutely had to be done and from there, I came back home. I’m here and my surroundings are cold, empty, gray and I’m stuck in what can only be described as a big giant, dark, piece of shit whole in the wall.
I look back and try to grasp where the hell everything went wrong. My mind still has vivid moments where it replays the day Erin told me she cheated on me. It stings like a mother fucker but today it’s a little easier to breath. I must have been quite the ass hole to make her feel unloved and neglected to where she had to find that solace in the arms of my best friend. Justin, my brother, that jackass who slept with my girlfriend.
I have yet to speak to him, not knowing what to say or what I’d do. I’m not one for physical violence but my god, I might be tempted to take a swing or two if we come face to face anytime soon. He was the last person in this world that I expected to hurt me, Erin also. I try to surpass all of that and tell myself that I’ll cross that bridge when I absolutely need to. My biggest insecurity is that Erin will go back to Justin and be with him again and I’ll be stuck here, alone while the two most important people in my life move on with out me, while I’m left with my heart torn to shreds. Part of me knows better than that. Erin swore to me that it was a one time thing, that Justin had only filled the void while I was gone and he was convenient, but she had no intentions of continuing whatever ‘thing’ they had going on. It doesn’t fix the pain of their actions but for the love I feel deep down for her somewhere, it helps me a little.
Yes I said love. I know people would think I’m the most gullible man that ever walked the face of the planet but I honestly believe or believed that Erin was it for me. I had painted pictures in my head of marrying her, of laying around the house on the weekends, making love and just enjoying life. I thought we’ve have a baby someday and we’d have our own music-esq., cookie cutter family. Those dreams are pretty distant these days. It’s weird sitting here, laying around in complete silence as my mind takes over a show of it’s own. I contemplate this and that and I tell myself different scenarios of if I could have done things this way, or that way, where I would be right now and what I’d be doing. I fucking hate silence for this reason. My mind overrules and it’s like I can’t get it to shut up. I haven’t picked up a guitar and I haven’t put the most depressing CD in yet. I need to do something though because my thoughts are going to talk my brain to death. Maybe I need some fresh air.
My face falls to a photo of Erin and I, and I instantly recall the day and everything about it. We had gone to the beach, and it wasn’t long after Erin and I had started dating. We had met some of my friends there, which she instantly got along with and everyone seemed to love her. After a long day of playing volley ball in the sand, we were hot and exhausted from the California sun beating down on us all day. Erin and I had both went to dive for the ball, crashing into each other. We ended up in a sandy heap, laughing and sputtering and one thing let to another and the next thing I know, I had kissed her. Our first real don’t’-want-to-let-you-go type of kiss. She wasn’t’ embarrassed even though it was right in front of all of my friends. Instead she smiled and welcomed my weight against her. Not long after that, still sitting in the sand, she in my lap, someone had snapped a photo of us, looking lovingly at one another.
She had said time and time again that she loved whoever had taken the photo and that it was that moment, that she realized she loved me. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t well up like a cheesy sap when she confessed this because I did-only because it was at that moment that I too had realized I loved her.
As much as I hate to say it, I miss her. I really do. I miss holding her while I sleep, I miss my nose resting in her hair- smelling of something I can’t put words to other then the fact that it was simply Erin. My Erin.
I don’t know where she is right now but I assume she went to stay with one of her sisters. I didn’t ask her to leave or tell her that she had to go, I just think she wanted to give me space. I know she hates herself and parts of me do to. I don’t know what I want to happen with this, with us. I could put it all behind me and move on. I could find a new girlfriend at the drop of a hat but none of it would be real. No one knows me like Erin does. Through and through she knows me and I know it’d take a lifetime for someone else to ever measure up to her. Parts of me ask myself that if she loved me like I believe, then why did she cheat on me? I’ve asked this to myself over and over again and the more I do so, the more I see why. Answers are becoming a little clearer in my head and this is just as much my fault as it is hers.
She brought it to my attention that she did try to talk to me about things, about where they were headed and the lack of time and effort I’d been putting into our relationship. I could sit here and play the career card and say that it’s not my fault that I put myself into my music so much that I just happened to forget I had a girlfriend. I knew she was at home but a part of me went along aimlessly and I did indeed put her at the backburner of my list of priorities. I will admit it freely and you know it’s hard for most men on the face of this earth to do-- I was a horrible boyfriend. A jerk, an ass, etc, etc and whatever else you want to call my type.
I know she deserves better, a good guy that showers her with attention and makes the effort to love her. She’s not spoiled, nor does she need to be showered twenty-four seven. Erin is pretty independent if you asked me. I just think she wanted to know that I was still there, loving her like before. I used to be that very guy at one time but like I said, my career got the best of me. It was always promote here, promote there, tell everyone how great your album is. It got old but it was the grunt work I had to put into it. This little collection of thirteen songs had become my heart and soul and what could only be known as the comeback I desperately needed to survive and get my name back into the music industry. Ugh, fuck these thoughts. I hate the whole situation. Nothing in this world justifies cheating on someone you’re suppose to love and nor does using a career as an excuse to throw someone your suppose to love in the dust.
I hate this whole situation. Hate, hate, hate. I’m a grown 32 year old man, sitting here next to fucking tears. What has my life come to? My fingers move to pinch the bridge of my nose-- something I often do when I’m stressed. My head fly’s back against the couch cushion and I toss the picture frame of the two of us that I’ve thoughtfully picked up, to the side of me but I‘m not letting it go just yet. I remember that I had a friend who once told me something that has suddenly been drawn to my attention. He said that he would easily forgive someone for their mistakes and faults because he would want them to do the same for him, no judgment attached.
This theory enlightens me so much that it takes me a second to think about it, clearly thinking out its relevance. I know I miss Erin and I know, as well as she does that what she did was wrong. I still can’t help but wish that this never happened, that maybe I’ll wake up and this will all just be a bad dream. That Erin will be laying against me in her little tank tops and cotton shorts she always wears, her head resting on my shoulder as we argue over what to watch on TV.
I want those moments back, more than I even realized right now. I breath in an exhausted sigh, trying to fill my lungs with air as I stop for a second, hearing the front door open and close quietly. I don’t think much of this because whoever it is has to know my security code. It’s probably just my brother anyways.
I’m still sitting here, wallowing in my sorrows as that familiar scent lingers through the air. It smells just like Erin but I can’t think anything of it because a lot of her things are still here and the scent of her didn’t go anywhere. It gets closer though and I’m probably just wishfully thinking. Is it wishful? Do I want to see her or am I just wishing I could turn back time? Ah, hell- I need a fucking life. I peer my hand from my eyes, daring to catch a glance at whoever just intruded my home and interrupted my self pity session. My breath gets caught in my throat because for a moment, I honestly don’t believe my eyes. She’s standing there, her eyes puffy and red, her hair piled on top of her head, dressed in cutoff sweats and a ragged old t-shirt- one that looks oddly familiar.
I don’t know what to say or where to start and I think a year might pass by if we play the game of ‘who’s going to speak first.’ I blink slowly, taking in her tired and haggard appearance, and note that her stature and form match mine. She’s the first to speak and I can tell she’s nervous. “I’m just going to get some of my stuff. I didn’t mean to bother you.”
My voice cracks as I try to respond before coughing and starting again. “You’re moving out?” I guess I should have expected this but the reality of it hurts way to much.
She shrugs and I can see her welling up a little. She doesn’t really want this. “I thought it’d be best Josh. I don’t think you really want me here.”
I sit up on the couch, running a hand over my face, trying to get the foggy, hazy feeling to leave my brain. I stand up and follow her as she slowly begins to walk to the bedroom we once shared. “We need to talk, Erin.” I say softly.
She opens the door to the bedroom and stops too suddenly and my chest is flush against her back, my breath fanning on her face and the silence is too much. She doesn’t move right away, just standing there and taking deep breaths. Her scent meets my nose almost instantly and I close my eyes, drinking it in to my memory, trying to hold it there forever. If she’s going to leave me, I want some part of her to come back to. Her voice comes out in a mere whisper, quietly acknowledging my statement. “I know.”
It’s a simple agreement but it’s all I can do to keep myself together. Maybe, just maybe- there might be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. “I’ve been thinking about all of this, from every possible angle.”
She nods, walking into the bedroom, into the closet. Her head turns over her shoulder, her green eyes fierce on mine. “I’m sorry Josh. I never meant for this to happen. If I could take back anything in the world right now, it’d be this.”
My eyes start to sting again and I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not strong enough to do this just yet. She’s taking all of the blame and I just can’t let her do that. She’ll beat herself up for the rest of her life. “I can’t let you take all of the blame for this, Erin. I know I’m not perfect and I know it was me that brought a lot of this on. Like you said, if I could go back in time myself, I’d fix this. I’d treat you how you deserved to be treated all the time. Their would be no question.”
She gives me a sad smile and I can tell she wants all of this to go away too. The hurt is evident all over her porcelain features. “If only we could go back in time.”
I plop down on the bed, watching her reach for clothes and pile them into her suitcase. I don’t want her to go. Little pieces of my heart are slipping away. At least when they were shattered, they still existed. Now they’re leaving for good and all I’ll be left with is an empty feeling in the end. I know what I want to say but my lips wont let me right now. The words are still so partial to me, and all I want to do is tread slowly.
My thoughts are interrupted as I look up to the thump of a box falling by Erin’s feet, her body hunching over and her hands on her knees, her head dipped low and her breathing ragged. I stand up, by her side in an instant because regardless of everything, I still care about her. “Are you alright?” I look her over worried, taking in each of her features, pulling her up to run a hand over her face. Her color has an odd yellowish tint to it and she just doesn’t look right.
She takes in a deep breath, nodding faintly and trying to muster up a smile. “Just got a little light headed. I’ll be ok.”
I look at her skeptically, but she nods again and tries to reassure me. “Did you eat anything today? Your color is off a little.”
“Yeah, I ate breakfast a little bit ago.” she pulls away reluctantly and I can tell she’s trying to be brave. She doesn’t want to need me but I know deep down, she does.
“I’m going to go get you a bottle of water. Why don’t you sit down for a few minutes?”
She shakes her head, going back to folding her clothes and the pile keeps getting bigger and I really don’t want her to leave. Fuck all of this. Mistakes or not- I’d rather live with that fact that we both messed up as opposed to living without her. I sigh and turn to jog down the hall and into the kitchen, grabbing her a water. I take my steps quicker then normal because something just doesn’t feel right. I can’t put my finger on it. I walk into the bedroom, and to the closet and I’m right in the entry way when I see Erin reach for a box before her stance becomes wobbly before she loses her balance and falls to the floor. Dropping the bottle of water, I run over to her, getting down on my knees to her aid.
Her eyes are fluttering gently, her color completely gone- she’s as white as a ghost and her lips are parted softy. “Erin, open you’re eyes for me!” She glances up at me, barely with it and I don’t even hesitate, pulling out my cell phone and dialing 911.
It seems like hours as I wait for an ambulance to get here but when they finally do, I can breath a little better. Erin’s laying her, faint and breathing slowly and I don’t’ want to let her go. They check her vitals, stabilizing her before they get her strapped on to a Gurnee and in my scared shitless mind frame, a piece of my heart is suddenly glued back together. Her hand reaches out and through the oxygen mask, she calls for me. I don’t’ think twice before going to her side, my fingers tightly in hers as they load her into the ambulance. There’s no way I’m leaving her.
The EMT gives me a look, and I swear if this guy denies me the privilege of riding to the hospital with her, I might have to punch him in the face. My mind gets the best of me and my protective instincts go into over drive. “She’s my fiancé. I’m not leaving her.”
Her nods in agreement and theirs no question or argument as we quickly drive to the hospital, the sirens drowning out all the thoughts going through my mind.
***
I pace outside of her room, giving her privacy as they do an exam. I let her know that I was only a step or two away and that I wasn’t going anywhere without her. It was maybe an hour, but it felt like a fucking eternity when a nurse finally came out and got me, telling me I was welcome to come back into the room. I walk in slowly, the smell of hospitals instantly making me queasy but I push it aside because this isn’t about me. It’s about Erin. She looks so young an pale, laying in the huge hospital bed that looks like it’s going to swallow her up.
I walk beside her, grabbing the hand that’s not hooked up to an IV and run my thumb across her knuckles. She smiles weakly up at me as I lean down to kiss her forehead. Something’s different and I can’t place my finger on it. God, I hope she’s okay. I swallow thickly before taking a seat beside her, not letting go of her hand. “What did they say? Are you going to be alright? Did they say why you passed out?”
It all comes out in a rush and I can’t help myself. I was so damn worried. She smiles, shaking her head before sitting up and tucking her hair behind her ears like she often does when she’s nervous. I’m trying to read her but right now, it’s too hard. “I’m fine, Joshua. They said I’m just anemic. Apparently it can happen when you’re pregnant.”
My throat automatically goes dry and I can’t think, I can’t speak, all I can do is stare, wide eyed and try to breath. She didn’t just say she was-- “You’re pregnant, Erin?”
She bites her lip in that nervous way she does and gives me a small nod, just before I see one lone tear slide down her cheek.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Here is part nine for every one that's still reading. I haven't finalized the ending just yet but I'm getting there. A part of me doesn't want to end this story just yet because it's different and I find it fun to write. Anyways, as always, enjoy and review :)
Story Tags: affair triangles justin
