I took a deep breath as I sat on the couch, waiting for him to come home.  My heart is beating faster than a heart is supposed to beat, in fact I’m pretty sure it’s going to jump out of my body. The man I love more than anything in life is going to come through that door any minute and I’m supposed to tell him something that will break his heart. It won’t just break his heart; it’ll tear it out and rip it up into a million pieces. Gosh, now I feel sick to my stomach.

         His car just pulled into the driveway, and now I can hear him at the front door. Oh gosh Addison, take deep breaths. I can’t do this. I don’t have to; I’ve kept it a secret for almost a year ago.  Granted, I’ve been beating myself up since the day it happened, but maybe it’ll hurt less if I wait longer. I could tell him on the day after our wedding, or the day of our 50th anniversary. I like that even better.

         “Hey,” I heard his voice and looked up from the ground. I tried to look him in his eyes but I couldn’t, “What’s the matter?”

         Perfect Justin pulled me up into his arms. The second I felt his arms around me I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I felt myself bawling. “Ads, what’s going on? Is everyone alright?”

         I nodded my head, “I just need to tell you something. But you need to promise that you’ll listen to everything before you freak out ok? And you know how much I love you, more than anything Justin.”

         He sat down straight, looking directly into my soul, “What’s going on Addison?”

         OK, there’s no holding back now. I need to breathe and tell him. I closed my eyes because I couldn’t look into his eyes as I spoke, “I um… ok I just need to tell you. It happened almost a year ago so it’s like the past. I probably should have told you then but I was too scared, and I’m still too scared but it’s killing me. Like I’m having issues, so I need to get it out.” I looked up at Justin but he was just looking onto space. I wish he would say something, anything. “When you were um… it was that night when we just came back from New York. We were fighting because you were so stressed and my cousin’s wedding was that weekend and you couldn’t come because you had to do that photo shoot. Remember? We were out at Hyde and you were in a real bad mood and got pissed about something and left early. Remember? You took the car and left me?”

         He nodded his head but he’s looking at the ground. It’s like he knows what I’m about to say. “Keep going.”

         “I um… I was drinking and I probably had too much to drink. But I wasn’t drunk; I knew what I was doing. Being drunk is definitely not an excuse. There is no excuse, none at all. And it was a huge mistake, the biggest mistake…”

         “Spit it out Addison.”

         “Adam and I… kissed,” I answered softly hoping maybe he didn’t hear me and I wouldn’t have to repeat it and we could move on. But he heard me. Justin didn’t say anything, he continued looking at the ground completely stone faced. “I’m trying to be honest because it’s been bothering me forever. It was so stupid and it meant nothing. We both realized what we were doing and stopped, I mean it was just a kiss, hardly even a kiss.”

         “Adam.” He spoke softly, moving his gaze to me, “Adam Maloney? My friend who you hooked up with five years ago?”

         “When I first came out here, before I even knew you,” I answered quickly. Adam and I do have a bit of a history. When I first moved out to California I met Adam and we became friends. It was nothing more than friends until one night that we hooked up. It was just one night, a complete one-night stand, and after that I stopped talking to him because it was weird. Then two years later while I’m dating Justin we went to a party and Adam was there. It turns out Adam and Justin were old friends.

         When Justin found out that Adam and I hooked up, even though it was just that one time, he was pissed. I guess he had the right to be, I mean, I don’t think any guy wants to meet a guy that his girlfriend hooked up with, especially when it’s his best friend.  But like I said it was way before I even met Justin.  And now we’re here four years later and it’s still causing issues.

         “I’m sorry Justin, I’m so sorry. I was mad at you and I had some drinks and I didn’t think about what I was doing. It was stupid, obviously, but it meant nothing.”

         He won’t speak. He won’t look at me. It’s like he hates me so much he can’t even look at me. My heart is breaking, I feel sick to my stomach. I shouldn’t have told him.

         “I can go,” I spoke between tears, “If you want me to go for a little while so you can think I will.” He didn’t answer. I really wish he would show me some kind of emotion. I can’t take the silence even though I know that’s how he deals with it. “I’ll go take the dogs for a walk,” I managed to stand up and placed my hand on his shoulder, “I love you Justin.”

         He doesn’t care; he won’t even look at me. What is wrong with me? How could I be so stupid? He’s given me everything, absolutely everything. And I’m the horrible bitch of a girlfriend, fucking fiancé, who does shit for him. We didn’t go for much of a walk. I couldn’t walk. I stopped at the dog park and let them run around while I sat on a bench and felt my life crash before me. I was out there for a while because I didn’t want to go back in the house and face Justin again. This has to be a nightmare. There’s no possible way this is really happening.

         When I got back to the house Justin was still sitting in the same spot he was when I left. He looked up at me when I walked in, “You should go home.”

         Here comes the bawling, pure blurry vision, can’t breathe bawling. I heard the door close and managed to clear my tears enough to run to the window and see him drive off. Oh shit, this is serious. What am I doing? If he wants me to leave I have to leave. I have to give him his time and let him think. I owe him that.  I also need to stop crying and imagining my life without him so I can get some things together.

         Justin came back home a little over an hour later. He had his hood up and never took his sunglasses off so he could hide the fact that he’s been crying. He doesn’t cry. The only time I’ve seen him cry during our five-year relationship is when his mother’s dog died. Now I’m making him cry, I’m the reason for those tears. When I saw him cry the day the dog died it broke my heart. I was crying right along with him and I’d never even seen the dog before. I knew that I never wanted to see him cry again and now I’m the fucking reason that he’s crying.

         “Ready?” was all he said as he grabbed my bag by the door and went right back to his car.

         “No, I’m not ready, I’m never going to be ready,” I said to the closed door between sobs.

 Brennen and Buckley, our two boxers ran up to me as if they knew they had to say goodbye. They’ve been freaking out ever since they saw the suitcases; they always get worried when we leave. I knelt down to hug them and they each licked my face, clearing all the tears away. Those dogs always make me laugh; they’re completely out of control even though we’ve spent so much money and time trying to train them. Nothing works, “Eww, thanks guys. I’ll miss you.” I kissed each of them on their head and grabbed my purse before walking outside.

Justin was sitting in the car looking out the window. I took a deep breath before getting in and immediately turned the radio down since he had it so loud. He reached over and turned it back up, just to be an asshole. “Can we please turn it down a little? My heart is thumping with the base and I already have a migraine.”

He shook his head and reached over and turned it down a little. I know music helps him deal with shit but there’s absolutely no need to have it that loud. We drove to the airport in complete silence. He didn’t say anything and I was afraid to talk because I knew he wouldn’t respond. I felt like if I were to talk it would hurt even more, at least this way I can pretend the silence isn’t because of me.

We stopped in the departure area, neither of us moving. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before speaking, “Justin, I…” the sound of the car door slamming shut made my eyes jolt open. I watched as Justin went around to the trunk and pulled my bags out. I wiped the tears away and said a silent prayer that he would put my bags back and drive right back home. He can yell and scream and tell me exactly what is going on in his head. I’ll just sit there and listen, I don’t even care.

Justin is standing out there crossing his arms and now he’s walking over to the passenger side of the car and he tapped the window. I looked around to see paparazzi coming towards us, that’s exactly what we need. I got out quickly and wrapped my arms around him. It would have been a hug but he kept his arms by his side. I sniffled back the tears, “I love you. I’ll call you when I get in, all right? I’m so sorry; you have no idea how sorry I am. It was the biggest mistake and I…”

“Bye Addison,” he answered before I could finish.

“I love you Justin. I love you so much,” I spoke as he walked to the car and drove off quickly.

Two weeks later I’m driving to the house with my best friend Michelle. She just picked me up from the airport and is taking me back home since Justin will not pick me up since he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I’ve been crying nonstop for the past two weeks so there’s no reason why I’d stop now.

“Sweetie, pull yourself together. It’s going to be all right. You have to stay strong. Go in there and tell him how you feel and explain everything.”

“He won’t listen.”

“Well make him listen. You’ve been together for five years you’re fucking engaged. He needs to listen. He owes you that. It was a fucking kiss, he needs to get over it.”

“Stop being my best friend and stop telling me what I want to hear. You don’t have to take my side Michelle, I fucked up.” I can’t breathe anymore; I’m about to have a panic attack. I’ve never had a panic attack before but I would imagine this is what one feels like.

“What you did was wrong. I’ve said that from the beginning, and I think you should have told him a long time ago. But you did the right thing. You needed to tell him, I’m proud of you. It’s going to be alright though, he loves you.”

“He loved me,” I corrected her, “He loved me more than anything but now he hates me.”

“That’s not true and you know it’s not true. Justin’s sensitive. I get that, we all get that, you gave him time to think and now he’s thought it all over and everything is going to be fine. He’s going to be pissed for a while, he’ll probably be quiet and you’re clearly not going to be able to see Adam. Like ever again. Which is fine, right?”

“I don’t give a fuck about Adam.”

“Exactly. So you’re good. Relax, fix your make-up and go in there and remind him why he proposed to you in the first place.”

She’s absolutely right. I can’t go in there crying and looking like a wreck. I need to straighten my shit out and act like I’m not a complete nutcase. Look on the bright side Addison; it’s a beautiful day. I get to see Justin again. I missed him so much. And I get to see the dogs, my babies. Everything is going to work out. It has to. I’ve been with Justin for five years; I don’t even remember my life without him.

Michelle pulled up to the gate just as I finished retouching my makeup. I think I look halfway decent, at least not like I’ve been crying for the past two weeks straight. As she drove up the driveway I heard her under her breath, “Shit.”

“Shit what?” I asked looking up to see a U-Haul truck parked between Justin’s Mercedes and my Prius. My heart stopped beating, it literally stopped. “OK, so I’m just going to go and lay down behind your car so just back up over me a couple times, maybe like ten times. I don’t know, however many it takes, if I’m still breathing just keep going, ok?” I’m crying. I can’t stop. There’s literally a UHAUL truck in my fucking driveway, I can’t breathe.

“Stop. Stop sweetie, stop,” she’s crying too, I swear to God she’s crying too. I felt the car stop and she leaned over to hug me tightly, “It’s ok, you’re going to be ok. Just go in and talk to him. You’re mascara’s running,” she laughed as she wiped under my eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, “God Addison, you should know to wear waterproof mascara. Just go in and talk to him. Do you want me to come in with you” I shook my head, I need to handle this by myself. “Alright, you call me if you need me. I’ll be close and I’ll come. I’ll be back here in like a minute, all right. Stay strong, I love you. You’re going to be ok.”

I hate how everybody is so glass half full. It’s not ok, it’s not going to work out there is a fucking UHAUL truck in my driveway! A fucking UHAUL TRUCH IN MY DRIVEWAY BECAUSE OF A FUCKING KISS! Five years! This is bullshit.

When I finally made my way into the house I saw Justin standing by the bookshelf, throwing my books in a cardboard box. He looked up when I came in and went right back to doing what he was doing. I got a half a second of his attention. This is fucking fantastic.

“What are you doing?” I asked the question as I sat down on the couch and the dogs came running and jumping on me.

“I’m packing your shit. You can help… or you can sit there and watch, that works too.”

I took a deep breath, I don’t know who he is anymore. This is not Justin. I get that he’s pissed but this going overboard, completely overboard.  “I’m not going to help until you listen. This is insane Justin. I made a mistake, a huge mistake.”

“Yeah, one of those mistakes that you regret for the rest of your life,” he answered coldly.

“It was a kiss Justin, it could have been so much more. A kiss! We’ve been together for five years!”

“And we were engaged. You’ve got that fucking ring on your finger, right? You kissed my fucking best friend!” I hate when he screams, he doesn’t scream too much but when he does he turns all red and his face looks like it’s going to explode.

“I was drunk...”

“Oh, now you were drunk? Before you just had a couple drinks and you knew what you were doing.”

“I had some drinks, I knew what I was doing. I don’t know Justin! I don’t know! All I know is that I made the biggest mistake of my life and I am so sorry. And I love you more than anything and I can’t leave! Please don’t make me leave.” I grabbed onto his arm and he pulled it away quickly.

“Stop crying, stop fucking crying! I don’t want to hear it. You need to pack up your shit Addison.”

“I’ve given up so much for you. And this is it? I moved out here for you, I left everyone.”

“You did not,” he answered with a laugh, how the fuck can he be laughing right now? “When I met you, you were already living out here.”

“Well I stayed out here for you!” I can’t fucking think straight, “I would have gone home a long time ago, and you know that I wanted to.”

“The good news is… now you can” he fucking smiled.

“Who are you?”

“Who are you? You’re not the fucking girl I fell in love with, that’s for damn sure. Stop being a drama queen, get off your ass and start packing your shit.” Justin screamed as he threw a last book in the box and grabbed the tape so it closed so loudly. I can’t handle how loud the damn tape is. It sounds a lot like my heart getting ripped out of my chest.

I’m back to crying and I don’t even care anymore. “It was one kiss,” I answered in a whisper, “Hardly even a kiss. People do way worse and they get through it.”

“One kiss, with my best friend. You forgot to mention that part.”

“So it’s all me then, right? Because you’re still fucking friends with him. I guess I must have thrown myself at him and forced him to kiss me. Cause its all my fault.”

Justin grabbed another box, throwing more of my things inside it, “So you’re saying it’s all him then? Right? That’s what you’re saying? He made you do it?  Should we call it fucking rape? Should I call the cops?”

“Oh fuck off! You’re absolutely ridiculous. It wasn’t all him, it wasn’t all me. It was a fucking kiss Justin. A kiss! A year ago!”

“Yeah, a year ago, which is a whole other issue. You lied to me for a fucking year, that’s not a big deal? I proposed to you, got down on one fucking knee, gave you a hundred grand ring, and begged you to marry me. When three fucking months earlier you were making out with my best friend!”

“A kiss Justin, a fucking kiss. Not making out.”

“No, not this time. But you did. At one point. Hell, you even fucked. Right? You sucked his dick. You fucking rode him all night. I know, I know, it was a long time ago. But you kissed him not so long ago. Which means there’s still something there, even though you told me that nothing would ever happen between you two. You told me this three years ago when I found out, and again, and again, and probably again the fucking morning after you made out. Or kissed, my bad, just kissed.”

“I know how much I hurt you, I know that’s a big deal because it’s Adam. I get that, and I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I love you more than anything and I can’t just let this happen. You need to give me one more chance, please just give me one more chance. I’ll do anything. I won’t complain when you want to have all your friends over for poker. I’ll go to the Lakers games and I won’t ask any questions, I’ll just sit there quietly and cheer when you cheer.” He didn’t answer, maybe he’s actually thinking about it. Is it possible that he could be changing his mind?

“Addison come on, stop,” he answered softly.

“Please Justin, I’ll wear those thongs that you love so much even though they feel like a piece of floss up my ass crack. I’ll throw all my other panties away and I’ll just wear those. We totally don’t have to do the roses on each table at the wedding. We don’t even need flowers, I don’t care. Please Justin, I’m begging you. Please don’t make me go.”

He grabbed a box and walked to the truck so he could get away from me, but I followed him. I can hardly walk and I can hardly breathe or see through all these tears but I can’t let him go. “Please Justin.”

“Don’t do this Addison,” he whispered, looking right into my soul.

“How can I not? How can I sit back and let this happen? You’re my world; I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t know how to breathe. Justin, I haven’t slept in two weeks. It was a kiss, and I’m so sorry.  Please Justin.”

“Just stop,” he put a hand on either of my shoulders, “Go back inside for a minute.”

Why is he telling me to go inside? What’s going on?

“Are you moving?” I heard that voice I’ve grown to loathe ever since I met Justin. Tommy is the annoying neighbor who has been here at every step in our relationship. He is the most annoying, nosey human being that has ever walked on this earth. He’s a writer, or so he says, but he’s always home and always looking out that damn bedroom window that looks right into our yard. He was there the first day I went to Justin’s house. Tommy was there when I met Justin’s family, when he met mine, when I moved in, when we brought home our first Christmas tree. Every step of our relationship Tommy has managed to show up. It’s only fitting that he be here for the ending as well.

“Oh, great. Tommy’s here! Of course! How are you Tommy? Great, I’m so glad!”

“Addison, stop it,” Justin whispered to me.

“I’m not going to stop Justin, because he’s nosey and he needs to get the fuck off our property,” I whispered back, “And you need to tell him, you need to yell at him, we need to get a fucking restraining order.”

“Relax, he’s not doing anyone any harm.” He’s too nice. Justin will never yell at him when I know for a fact Tommy annoys the fuck out of him.

“He’s doing me harm.”

“You’re doing yourself harm. Just shut up.”

Justin has never told me to shut up before. Now we’re out here in the driveway, packing up all my things and he tells me to shut up so he can stand up for his creepy neighbor. This can’t be happening.  I took a deep breath to calm myself down. “You’re killing me, you’re really killing me.”

“Just go inside.”

I decided I’d be better off if I did what he said. There’s no way we need to add another battle to the war. I don’t even know what to do with myself. The thought of living without Justin makes me sick. I’ve lived with him for so long, I’ve dated him for even longer and we were planning our wedding. I don’t understand how a stupid kiss can ruin all that. It makes me mad. It’s like our relationship was worth nothing. People make mistakes. Relationships go through tough times. We’ve never gone through anything hard. The first sign of something bad and I’m getting kicked out of his life. I’m not worth making it work.

I didn’t make it all the way inside, instead I sat on the steps watching Justin talk to Annoying Tommy. I’ll never understand why he feels that he has to be nice to this man. Tommy is in his fifties at least, it’s not like he doesn’t have any friends, he always has people over. He’s not married, I know that much. It doesn’t even matter. The fact is he’s the most annoying person in the world and I’m trying to beg and plead for my fiancé to take me back and he’s not helping.

I heard a loud crash and looked up to see Justin pushing Tommy down the driveway. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he screamed, “A fucking camera. You’re taking fucking pictures of the worst day of my life. Get the fuck out of here!”

The gate was slammed shut before Justin made his way back up to the house. He picked up the camera he threw on the ground and threw it in the garbage can as he walked by. “Fucking bullshit,” he said under his breath walking right past me and ignoring the dogs as they met him at the door. Justin ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath before falling to the couch.

“Alright, I don’t want to fight anymore. Honestly, I don’t have the strength,” he spoke softly, “I just need you to leave.”

“Justin…”

“Don’t. Don’t make it harder. I know it was just a kiss and I thought I could get over it but I can’t. I mean, since the day I found out you hooked up in the first place I couldn’t get over it. And this is just… I don’t know, I can’t. I know you’re sorry, I know it was a mistake, but I can’t. I can’t marry you, I can’t…. even look at you. I’m sorry. You deserve more than that but I can’t. So just get your stuff, alright, and go.”

I’m crying again, and so is he. If he’s crying and I’m crying why don’t we just stop and stay together forever? That’s how it’s supposed to work. “Where am I going to go?”

“I don’t know baby, go home. You wanted to go back home. Stay with Michelle. Get an apartment. I don’t know. I’ll take care of the wedding stuff.” Now he’s really crying, and I feel like my life is over. I’d rather die. I’d rather him kill me.  Justin put his arm around me and pulled me into a tight hug. I can’t even begin to explain how good it felt to be in his arms again. I closed my eyes and tried to take it all in, the scent of his cologne, the way he feels around me, the way he breathes. “I do love you.”

“Then why can’t we make it work?”

“Because it doesn’t happen like that, it can’t happen. I’m sorry Addison, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But I can’t get over it.” He grabbed onto my hand and ran his fingers over the ring, “You can keep the ring, I don’t want it back.”

I had one of those awkward moments that I laugh and cry at the same time, “What am I going to do with it?”

In turn, Justin laughed, “Sell it on eBay? You can still wear it, just put it on your other hand.”

“What about the dogs?” now I’m back to bawling. This is ridiculous, but the thought of not having my babies makes me sick to the stomach.

He licked his lips nervously and looked at the dogs, lying together on the couch, Brennen resting her head on Buckley’s back. “I don’t know,” he answered softly. I turned to look at him and saw a few tears falling down his face. “I mean I guess… technically Brennen’s yours right? Bailey’s mine.”

“We’re going to split them up?”

“Well what else? I’m not going to give them both up, and you’re not either. So that’s the only solution.”

“OK,” I nodded my head and called Bailey over. I knelt down with him and hugged him tightly as Justin called Brennen over. “We can like take turns or something on the weekends. They need to still see each other; it’s not fair that we’re splitting them up. They’ve been together their whole lives.”

“We’ll figure it out,” he said as he rubbed Brennen’s ears, “They can have play dates or something.”

I took a deep breath and stood up, I can’t drag this on any longer. “I don’t know how I’m going to live without you Justin.”

“Me neither, but we’re going to have to figure it out.”

I nodded my head, suddenly feeling a little better about this whole thing. I’m still heartbroken and I still feel like driving off the edge of the hills but I feel like I might be able to get through this. “Come on Bren. Just know that I’m sorry ok? I’m so sorry, and if I could go back in time…”

“I know Addison,” he broke in petting Brennen one last time, “I’m sorry too. And I do love you.”

“I love you, so much.” I said as I gave him one last hug and a quick kiss before grabbing onto Brennen’s leash. Buckley was right up there jumping around, trying to figure out why Brennen gets to go somewhere and he’s trapped inside. God, I can’t take it. This can’t be happening, please tell me this isn’t happening.

I couldn’t take it anymore so I grabbed onto the bag of Brennen’s food and toys and brought her to the car. I don’t know exactly where I’m going to go, I guess to Michelle’s. I need some serious time to think and figure out my life. Bren is going absolutely crazy without Buck already. They’ve never been apart; she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

“I know Babe, I miss him too.” I cried as I backed out of the driveway. Bren looked out the window and I saw Buckley looking out the house window. Please let me wake up from this nightmare. “We have a lot in common girl, we both need to learn how to live without our men. We’re going to get through it though. We’ve got each other.”