Have you ever seen that commercial where something goes terribly wrong and then it says “life comes at you fast?” I can totally relate right now. I never thought in a million years that this trip would end up the way it did. I certainly didn’t expect all of the surprises Alyssa had in store for me, especially the one about me being a father. I don’t think the news really sunk in until this morning. Knowing I am responsible for bringing another life into this world is a very powerful thing. I don’t think there are words that could possibly explain what it feels like.
I’m not going to lie and say I’m completely thrilled about being a father because I certainly didn’t plan this. But I’m man enough to take care of my responsibilities. I know staying in North Carolina is completely out of the question, in fact I just want to put some distance between Alyssa and I for now. I’m way past upset and have landed in severely pissed off with her; therefore it’s best for us to be apart. Although, I can’t just be selfish…I have a daughter to take care of now.
I caved and called Alyssa this morning so we could get together and talk about what we should do…now that we have a daughter together. I want nothing more than to take Cadence with me to California but I’m not going to be that guy. Even though Alyssa has done some questionable things…she’s still the mother of my daughter and I refuse to make things worse between us.
We decided to meet for lunch at Alyssa’s house so I can spend some time with Cadence and we can talk in private. The idea of being a father is a little intimidating but nothing could prepare me for this feeling of protectiveness. She’s my little girl and I won’t let anyone hurt her.
I try to calm both my nerves and anger while I’m walking up to Alyssa’s house. I gently knock on the door and shove my hands in my pockets. I rock back and forth on my heels until Alyssa finally opens the door. Her eyes are red and her hair is thrown up in a messy ponytail. She looks miserable and part of me is happy because miserable doesn’t even begin to describe the way she’s made me feel these past couple of days.
“Hi.” She mumbles and ushers me through the door. “Let me go get Cadence…she’s being really fussy today and I laid her down for a nap a while ago.”
Alyssa disappears down the hallway while I sit down on the chair and survey the living room. There are at least twenty different baby toys strewn about and a pink cradle swing in the corner. Alyssa has a million pictures of Cadence adorning the walls but one picture in particular catches my attention. It’s a picture of Alyssa laying the hospital bed with Cadence lying on her stomach sleeping peacefully. My heart aches knowing I wasn’t there to help Alyssa or see my daughter’s birth. It’s when thoughts like these plague my mind that the anger towards Alyssa seeps back in.
Alyssa finally appears with a squirming Cadence in her arms. Alyssa looks close to tears and even though I’m still pissed I stand up and take Cadence from her arms. I cradle her into my chest and the feeling that overtakes my body is one I have never experience before. I am totally and completely in love with another person in an instant. I bend my head down and lay a couple kisses on her forehead. Her eyes open wide as she takes me in. She continues to look at me for a couple seconds before suddenly squirming in my arms and wailing at the top of her lungs. Alyssa turns to look at me and I shrug my shoulders while gently cooing at Cadence. I hug her closer but nothing seems to calm her until finally Alyssa grabs a pacifier and takes her from my arms. Gently, Alyssa calls her name and rocks her back and forth until sleep overtakes her little eyes again.
“Has she been like this all morning?” I ask when Alyssa lays Cadence down in the bassinet.
“Yes…all night and all morning. I’m exhausted.” She answers while tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ears.
“Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve come over and stayed with her.”
“I didn’t want to bother you at three in the morning.”
“Damnit Alyssa…it’s not up to you to make all the decisions concerning Cadence. She’s my daughter too and I deserve to be there for both you and her.”
“Justin…you’ve ignored all of my calls for the past couple days…why would you have answered me at three in the morning?” Alyssa asks while running her hands over her face.
“All you had to do was leave a message saying you needed help with her and I’d been here in a flash.”
Alyssa stood up and walked into the kitchen. “I’m not going to do this anymore with you Justin…” She says while grabbing a bottle of water. “I’m not going to let you make me feel guilty every time…”
Immediately the anger flashes through me and I interrupt her rant. “Don’t fucking flip this shit onto me Alyssa. You’re the one who hid my daughter for the past ten months. I missed her birth, I missed naming her, and I missed her first smile and giggle. I’ve missed a lot…I refuse to miss anymore because you feel it’s inconvenient to include me.”
Alyssa lets out a sigh when she turns to look at me. “I know I’ve screwed up Justin…I really fucked up…but I’m not going to let you just sit here and knock me down when I’m already feeling low.”
“Well let me clue you in on a few things Alyssa. I’m not going to sit here and let you have all control over our daughter. It took two of us to make her and it will take two of us to raise her. I came here to talk about all of this not sit here and fight with you.” I say while running my hands across the back of my neck. I’m trying my damndest to control my anger because getting into a screaming match with her will only make things worse.
Alyssa sits down in the kitchen and I pull out a chair myself. She looks at me with tired eyes and I can tell she’s feeling defeated.
“Justin…I’m sorry about not telling you sooner about Cadence. I am deeply sorry…there are no words that can excuse what I did and I know no matter what I tell you…it won’t make anything better.”
“Why did you Alyssa…seriously, why would you think it would be better not to tell me I had a daughter?”
“I did it to protect you…”
“What do you mean protect me?” I asked with a confused expression on my face.
“You have a career Justin, which is just beginning to soar. If people knew you had a daughter…did you ever stop to think about what that would do to your career? Not to mention what would happen to our little girl if she were put in the middle of your crazy schedule.” Alyssa says.
“That’s not your decision to make Alyssa…it’s my career and my daughter.”
“Correction…she’s our daughter and I have every right to voice my opinion on how she should be raised. I don’t want her in that spotlight that you are in. I refuse to allow the paparazzi to hound her because she’s your daughter. I don’t want to restrict any time you have with her Justin but if the paparazzi become a problem…I won’t stand by and allow her to go through that.”
“I don’t want to put her through any of that either Alyssa. I can’t help who I am and what my career requires of me…but I want you to know I will do everything in my power to protect her and you.” I said honestly.
“Why me?” She asks with a skeptical look on her face.
“Because you’re the mother of my daughter and even though I’m still really upset with how you handled everything with Cadence…you’re still going to be a part of my life.”
Don’t get wrong…I’m still very pissed off at Alyssa for not telling me sooner about Cadence. But when I look into my daughter’s eyes, I see Alyssa and myself reflecting back and that will never go away. Together we made a small bundle of joy and whether I want it or not, she will forever be a part of my life. It’s better to talk about everything as adults rather than piss and moan at each other for all of Cadence’s life.
Suddenly, Cadence’s cries break our talk in the kitchen and I stand up to check up on her. I walked into the living room and swaddled her into a pink blanket. She cuddles in closer to my chest and I put a pacifier back into her mouth. Alyssa walks out behind me and peers over my shoulder at our baby. Cadence looks back and forth between the two of us and suddenly breaks out into a squeal. I feel my heart soar and there’s nothing that can compare to having my daughter look at me with a smile on her face.
“Justin…I know you have to get back to California soon…” I turn to look at her and nod my head. “Why don’t you take Cadence with you? I’ve had her for ten months…it’s only right that you get to spend some time with her now.”
“Are you sure you’re ok with that Alyssa?” I ask.
“Honestly…no because I’m going to miss her like crazy but I want you to have a chance to be her father.”
I genuinely smiled at Alyssa for the first time in a long time because she was doing what she knew needed to be done. “Thank Alyssa…”
“Don’t thank me Justin…however I might call every couple of hours to check up on her…”
“I think I can handle that.” I said while shifting Cadence in my arms.
“I’ll plan on taking off tomorrow sometime but how about the three of us go out for awhile and spend some time together. I don’t want to freak you out or anything but I’m completely clueless when it comes to babies. I might need some help.”
Alyssa smiles at me and starts to laugh. “I will definitely help you out Justin…I know I don’t deserve a second chance but I will do everything in my power to earn your forgiveness.”
I smile and nod my head at Alyssa before she walks down the hallway towards the nursery. I know Alyssa will ring true to her promise and she will do whatever it takes to make things right again. Even though we have a long way to go to patch things up between us again…we’re definitely on the right path for Cadence’s sake.
Alyssa finally appears with a diaper bag thrown over her shoulder and every little thing Cadence could possibly need during our trip out together.
“Lesson number one…you will more than likely always need to change her diaper after she wakes up from a nap and before you take her out.” Alyssa says while pulling out a new diaper from her stacks of supplies.
I look at her with shock clearly displayed on my face. I haven’t changed a diaper in years…I don’t even remember how to do it anymore. “Ummm…” I mumble.
“Need help changing a diaper?” She asks with an amused smile playing on her face.
“Yeah…” I answered timidly.
“All right…give her here.” Alyssa says while taking Cadence from my arms and laying her down on a blanket. She unsnaps her onesie and then pulls the tabs of her old diaper off. Alyssa explains what to use and the order to use it from wipes, to baby powder, and finally securing the new diaper on. My mind is spinning making sure I follow the steps correctly. I don’t want to be a failure and I certainly don’t want to hurt Cadence in anyway.
Alyssa finally snaps all the buttons back up and lifts Cadence from the floor. “There…if you need a refresher course I’m sure she’ll need a change later.” Alyssa says while winking at me.
“Great…”
“Lesson number 2…when you take her out make sure you have enough diapers, baby wipes, powder, pacifiers, toys, bottles, formula, clothes…anything you think you might need. You should pack it. You don’t want to be somewhere and she’s crying and you don’t have anything to soothe her.” Alyssa says while going through the diaper bag.
I know my face must be white as a ghost right now. I certainly wasn’t expecting such a list of things to remember if I want to go out with her for a little bit. I am starting to freak out inside and I’m really nervous that I’m going to fail at being a father.
“You’ll get the hang of things really quickly Justin…don’t worry.” Alyssa says while standing up from the floor. “Let’s get going…”
I take Cadence in my arms and follow closely behind Alyssa. I know I have a lot to learn when it comes to being a father and even though I’m scared shitless that I’ll fail…I know Alyssa’s willing to help every step of the way. I still can’t believe I’m a father, I’m responsible for another life…you know, there should be an application for this job or something because I can barely take care of myself.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey there!! Thank you all sooo much for your great reviews!!! YOU ALL ROCK!!! But here's the next chapter...I hope you like it! Please review and let me know what you think!
Story Tags: daddyj
