T-minus two days until I am officially on tour again and T-minus 1 day until Alyssa leaves with Cadence in tow. I’d just like to take a moment to point out how much this situation truly sucks….ok, moving on.
Alyssa, Cadence and I have spent every waking moment together as a family over these past couple of weeks and I’ve grown so accustomed to this lifestyle. I love being a father…there’s nothing in this world that makes me happier than being a dad. I can’t even imagine my life before Cadence and I never would want to go back to that. Honestly, I have no idea how I’m going to tour without my baby girl by my side.
“Justin…are you ready to go?” Alyssa calls up the stairs breaking me from my thoughts.
I jump off the bed and give myself a quick once over in the mirror. My jeans are hanging low on my hips and my plain white t-shirt lies loosely over my body. I throw my sunglasses and hat on to cover my distressed face, I can try and act like nothing’s wrong but my eyes clearly tell a different story. I make my way out of my bedroom into Cadence’s nursery and gently lift her out of the crib. Thankfully, I didn’t wake her and she wiggles slightly in my arms before falling back to sleep. The three of us are going to go to a park and just enjoy our last day outside, having fun as a family.
“Morning Lyssa…” I greet as I walk into the living room with our baby girl wrapped in my arms.
“Morning to the both of you…” Alyssa says happily before kissing both Cadence and I on the cheek.
God, how I’m going to miss having both of them around all the time. I never imagined life would fall into an easy routine, one that I look forward to, with Alyssa. I never thought we’d get as close as we have when she first came out to California. She’s the mother of my daughter and whenever I look at her…I see our baby girl, our family, my life…I am completely in way over my head here.
“Ready to go?” I said picking up one of Cadence’s blankets and throwing it over my shoulder. Alyssa quickly grabs Cadence’s diaper bag before giving me a wink and following me out the door. I might dread tomorrow but today I am going to enjoy being with my family.
We decided to drive a little further away to a secluded park in hopes of eluding the paparazzi. We’ve been lucky protecting Cadence from the backlash my life can cause. There’s been speculation about my daughter but no one has gotten any pictures and I’m extremely thankful. It’s not that I’m hiding her but I know how crazy people can get and Alyssa, Cadence nor I need to deal with that. It’s in these moments I wish I was just a regular guy.
Finally, we arrived at the park and unloaded my black escalade. Alyssa unbuckled Cadence from her car seat while I gathered the blankets, food and bags full of stuff. We set up shop underneath a great big oak tree and relaxed on the blanket enjoying the cool summer breeze.
“Wow, it’s gorgeous outside…” Alyssa states while repositioning Cadence to sit up in-between her legs.
“I think it helps that I have two of the most beautiful girls with me.” I said while making a goofy face at my daughter.
“I’d have to disagree…I think we’re the lucky ones to have the most wonderful daddy here…” Alyssa grins before starring off at a young couple playing with their son.
“Do you think we’ll be like that when Cadence gets older?” Alyssa asks and I turn to look at them chasing their son and laughing loudly.
“I hope so…”
“Me too…” Alyssa responds with a dreamy tone to her voice.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask.
“I couldn’t even begin to explain where my head is at Justin…”
I reach my hand out and grip Alyssa’s before releasing it again. “Talk to me…”
“I’m just nervous for you, for us, for Cadence. I can’t believe your tour starts in two days and we’re going to be on the other side of the coast again.” She sighs and tightens her grip on a smiling Cadence.
Seeing my daughter smiling nearly breaks my heart in two. She’s beautiful and the most important thing to me, so why am I giving her up for a tour?
“What does Ryan think about all this?” I ask knowing this is touchy subject between us. I still despise that guy and Alyssa tries her best to defend him. I can barely stomach the thought of him being Cadence’s stepfather…she doesn’t need one. She has me and Alyssa…we don’t need Ryan.
“He wants me to come home and get married.”
“What do you want?” I ask swallowing the lump in my throat. If she says she’s ready to marry this guy, I might freak out. I’ve never even considered being with Alyssa in any way, since the whole mess with Cadence in the beginning…but since she got out here, I can’t imagine not being with her. I don’t want to split custody of Cadence and have to ask for permission to be with my daughter, I don’t want another man getting her ready for school, kissing her goodnight, grilling her first real date…I want to be that man and I want to have Alyssa by side to witness it all. It was then that it hit me…I didn’t want Alyssa to marry Ryan because I wanted to be with her. I wanted us to be a family.
“He’s always been there for me Justin and he’s good with Cadence…I’m not saying you aren’t or that I’m replacing you with Ryan but he just fits in my life. I’m comfortable with him…I don’t know Justin…I’m really trying to figure out everything right now and it’s hard. I want to do what’s right for Cadence, for you and for me, sometimes they all don’t mesh.”
I sigh and try my best to focus my attention on Cadence rather than Alyssa. Listening to her talk about Ryan makes me nauseous. I reach for Cadence and pull her onto my lap. She giggles when she looks up at me and I tenderly bend my head and place a kiss on her forehead.
“You’re a great father Justin…you know that right?” Alyssa says breaking my moment with Cadence.
I smile softly before turning my attention back to my little girl. I don’t know what to say or what to do anymore. My world is starting to crumble around me and I feel like I’m trying desperately to hold onto this. Come tomorrow, I will be a mess.
________________________________________________________________________
Waking up this morning was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I know that I have to drive Alyssa and Cadence to the airport, to fly back to North Carolina and out of my life for months. My heart feels like it’s breaking in two.
I sneak into Cadence’s nursery and sit down on the rocker overlooking her crib. She’s sleeping peacefully and I just watch the steady rise and fall of her small chest. She’s so vulnerable, so tiny. I take a deep breath and slink my finger into her small hand. She squeezes gently and I can feel my heart jump and the tears rush to my eyes. How will I make it through each day, each performance without her smiling face?
“Hey…what are you doing?” Alyssa whispers as she walks into the nursery and puts her hand on my shoulder.
“Just saying goodbye…” I say softly, trying to suppress the tears that are threatening to fall.
Alyssa kneels in front of me and puts her hands on either side of my face. “She loves you Justin…remember that.”
“I know…I’m just going to miss seeing her everyday…miss seeing her grow-up.”
“I promise we’ll come visit as soon as possible. I just need to get back to North Carolina, back to Ryan and my life there.”
I sigh at the mention of Ryan’s name and stand up. “We should probably get going if you’re going to catch your flight...” I said before walking out of the room. I needed to get away from her. My emotions feel like they’re on the edge and ready to spill over at any moment. I’m seriously a walking disaster.
About an hour later, the three of us are walking quietly through the terminal en route to their plane. Cadence is tightly wrapped in my arms and I feel like I’m holding on for dear life. First, I didn’t even know my daughter existed and then I get to spend a month being there for everyday, every laugh and every smile. Now, I’m sending her off again…it feels like my heart is slowly being ripped out of my chest.
We slow our pace as we approach their gate and stay towards the back of the crowd. Alyssa decides to check in with the flight attendants and gives me a moment alone with Cadence.
I bow my head and nuzzle my face into her neck. She smells like baby powder and laundry detergent and it brings a smile to my face.
“Daddy loves you…I’m always going to be here for you. I promise I’ll see you soon…beg mommy to bring you out to see me. You’ll always be daddy’s little girl, Cadence Taylor. I love you…” I gently kiss her on the cheek over and over again.
Alyssa walks up to us and wraps her arm around my waist. “We have to go Justin…”
I nod my head solemnly before kissing Cadence once more. I hand her gently to Alyssa and I can feel the tears fall from my eyes. Thank God for my sunglasses right now.
Alyssa wipes the tears away from my face before gently placing a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll miss you Justin…we love you, always remember that.”
I wrap Alyssa and Cadence both in my arms for one last hug. One last goodbye…
________________________________________________________________________
Well…my tour has officially started and I have my first show tonight in Los Angeles. Normally, I’d be scared out of my mind for the first show but tonight I’m eerily calm or maybe numb would be a better word. Alyssa and Cadence left yesterday and words can’t even describe the pain in my heart. I’m a mess without them.
“Justin…how was sound check?” Johnny asks while walking into my dressing room.
I look up from my computer where Alyssa has just e-mailed me a bunch of pictures of Cadence playing in the ocean. “Fine.” I answer before turning my attention back to the pictures.
“Is that Cadence?”
“Yeah…Alyssa just sent me these. They were taken this morning…”
“She’s beautiful Justin…”
“Thank you…” I said before closing my computer. “What’d you need Johnny?”
He smiles sheepishly before continuing. Johnny rarely bothers me before a show unless it’s something important. “I was just wondering about the song you added to the end of the concert.”
I nod my head and stretch my hands above my head. The show starts in less than 45 minutes and now he wants to talk about the lineup. “I added it yesterday, no one has ever heard me do a song like that before and I guess it’s just fitting right now for me. If it doesn’t go over well tonight…I’ll take it out. But just trust me…”
“I do Justin…just know you’ll create some controversy with it. People will want to know what’s up, what’s wrong…”
“I don’t really care what people think…I need to do this Johnny.”
“I understand…I’ll back you one hundred percent man, all right. Good luck tonight!” He says before giving me a quick hug and disappearing out the door. I let out a breath of air and wish Alyssa and Cadence were here to see this show…I wish the two most important people were behind me right now. I throw my iPod on and get ready to be Justin Timberlake the performer, not the dad tonight.
________________________________________________________________________
I step out onto the stage with a bottle of water in one hand and towel in the other. The crowd erupts into ear piercing shrieks and I sit down on wooden stool in the middle of the stage. I take a minute to look around at my surroundings and thank God for all of these blessings when it comes to my career.
“How are you all doing?” I ask into the microphone and if it was even possible the screams get louder.
“I wanted to take a minute to just thank you all for coming out tonight and supporting me throughout this journey. I love you all!” I say while wipping my face with the towel.
A stage hand walks up with my guitar and hands it over to me. I take the instrument in my hands and wrap the strap around my shoulders. I settle back into my seat and bring the microphone to my mouth.
“Do you guys care if I do one more song?” I ask and the cheers shake the building.
“This song means a lot to me and it’s by one of my favorite bands. I hope you like it…” I say before snapping the mic into its stand and bringing the pick to the guitar strings. I let the music and the lyrics take me into a place that’s become home for me lately, ever since Cadence and Alyssa left.
Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away
Cause I can't take anymore of this
I want to come apart.
Or dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said.
I strum the last key and the crowd erupts into applause. I bow my head, hiding the tears that have sprung to my eyes, just as the lights go dark in the arena. I miss my little girl so much it’s breaking me apart…
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey there!!! I hope you're all having a great summer! I've been a little busy lately...but I hope you guys like the chapter. I love to read your reviews so please keep them coming. You've all been great!! Have a good one!! Enjoy!
Chapter End Notes:
Song Credit:
Staind - "Epiphany"
Staind - "Epiphany"
Story Tags: daddyj
