The sun is shining brightly through the curtains and the steady rocking of my tour bus jars me from my sleep. It’s been almost a month of constant traveling, press and concerts; I’ve never felt more drained in my life. I pull back the covers on my bed and let my feet fall to the floor. Pushing myself out of bed, I walk down the hall into the living room and sink into the couch.
“Morning James…”
“Morning sir…how’d you sleep?” My bus driver asks while briefly looking over his shoulder at me.
“Ahh…all right. Where are we at?” I ask stretching out on the cushions.
“We’re about an hour outside of Minneapolis.”
“Cool…I’m just glad to have a couple nights off after the show. I need a break…” I respond while flipping through the TV channels.
“I bet…how’s little miss Cadence doing?” Most of the tour crew knows about my daughter. I couldn’t really hide it from James, hell I have a thousand pictures of Cadence all over the bus.
I smile thinking about my baby. “She’s growing up so fast…Alyssa called to tell me that Cadence can hold herself up without toppling over right away now.” I let out a sigh before continuing. “I miss her like crazy man…”
James looks back at me through a mirror before throwing his two cents in. “You’ll miss her when she’s thirty years old and has her own life. No matter how old they get…you’ll always look at her as your baby girl. Enjoy being a father Justin, there’s nothing more rewarding or enjoyable than raising children.”
I nod my head in understanding before turning my attention towards the TV. Suddenly, a loud ring breaks my trance and I grab my cell phone from the table.
“Hello?”
“Hey Justin…how are you doing?” Alyssa greets on the phone.
“I’m tired…just got up a little bit ago.”
“Where are you at?”
I look out the window at the cars whizzing by and start to recognize the city coming into view. “Minneapolis.”
“Cool…”
“How’s Cadence doing?” I ask as I feel a tug on my heart. I hate having to hear about my daughter over the phone. I just want to be there, see her, touch her, hold her, and sing to her…I just want to be the father I know I can be.
“She’s good…she’s really getting bigger and she’s discovered the art of smiling. Every time I look at her she’s got this goofy grin on her face.”
“I wish I could see it…”
“We all do…but we understand Justin. How’s the tour going?”
“It’s going well. I’ve gotten some great reviews and the fans seem to be enjoying everything. I just can’t wait for you and Cadence to come see me next week.”
“Yeah about that Justin. That’s part of the reason I’m calling…I got suckered into helping one of the new girls with a party at the hotel and it happens to be next week. So I can’t make it out there now…”
I can feel my heart drop into my stomach. The only reason I make it through each day, each show is knowing my little girl will be here soon. How could she do this to me?
“Alyssa…” I start and she interrupts me.
“I know Justin…I know. I feel horrible about it but there’s nothing I can do. I still have a job to do. What about the following week? What does your schedule look like?”
I close my eyes and try my best to keep my voice under control. I know it’s not her fault but give me a break. I’ve been on tour for almost a month; I’ve been in a different city practically every night. I don’t know what it’s like to get a “good nights sleep” anymore and the only thing I ever want to do anymore is spend time with my family.
“I’ll be in Chicago and then over to Detroit.”
“Oh ok.”
I can feel the anger rising in my stomach and I’m about to snap. “Whatever Alyssa…”
“Don’t be like this Justin…” She scolds.
“Don’t tell me how to be…you’re not the one in this situation Alyssa. You have no idea what it’s like to be separated from the two most important people in your life. I haven’t seen you or Cadence for almost a month and it’s practically tearing me apart.”
“You don’t think this is hard for me or for Cadence?” She asks with a hint of frustration lacing her words. “We’re both miserable without you. Cadence practically cries herself to sleep every night. No matter what I do, it’s not enough to calm her. She got so used to you singing to her every night; she can’t fall asleep any other way. I, on the other hand, miss having you around to just be my comfort, to support me. We’re all trying in this situation Justin. It’s not the most ideal circumstances to be under. Cut me some slack please…”
I let out a sigh and close my eyes tight. I know I’m not making it easy on her and it’s not her fault. “I’m sorry Alyssa…I’m just upset and I miss you both…but I understand.”
“We miss you too…listen I have to get going. I’m sorry again Justin but I promise we’ll get out there soon.” A second later the line went dead, along with my heart.
I’m completely lost without those two…
________________________________________________________________________
We arrived at the Xcel Energy Center almost three hours ago and I’ve been holed up in the weight room burning off some energy. My heart feels like it’s been thrown into the middle of a tornado and let’s not even get started about my head. I can’t seem to focus or concentrate until it’s time to get on stage. I made a vow a long time ago to give my best performance each and every night for my fans. Without them, I would be no where in the music industry and no matter what my personal life is like; I need to put it aside for the two hours I’m on stage. Hence the reason I’m at the gym. I’m trying to burn off my pent up frustrations from earlier in order to get my head right.
I take my time exhaling as I finish off my last set with the dumbbells. I place them securely in their rack before grabbing a towel and wiping the sweat from my face. I take a minute to really look at myself in the mirror. My cheeks have hallowed out some and my complexion has paled. My eyes don’t carry their normal sparkle and the darks circles have practically taken over my face. I’ve lost weight and my clothes hang loosely on my body. Clearly, I don’t look well but I force myself to keep going because that’s what I’ve trained all these years for.
Finally leaving the gym, I head back towards my dressing room for a quick shower. The show starts in an hour and I need to rejuvenate myself somehow. After rinsing myself from the sweat, the tears and the frustration I’ve been feeling, I’m finally getting ready for the show. I secure my headset to my jeans and wrap the ear pieces around my neck.
Quickly, I reach for my cell phone and dial Alyssa’s number. This has become our tradition lately, before each show I call and get well wishes from both Alyssa and Cadence. It’s the one thing that helps me get through each show. I’m doing this for them, just as much myself. I’m doing this all for my daughter. But instead of the normal hello, her phone immediately hits her voicemail. Confused, I hang up and try again but her voice spills into my ears spewing the same message.
“Hey it’s Alyssa, sorry I can’t get to my phone right now but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.”
“Hey it’s Justin, I’m about to go on stage I was just calling to talk to you both quick. I don’t know why your phone is off but I hope everything’s all right and I’m sorry about earlier. I’m just tired and I miss you both like crazy…I know we’ll work something out. All right well they’re standing in my door telling me I have to go. I’ll call you as soon as I’m done. Miss you and love you both.”
I let out a sigh and close my phone before throwing it in my bag quick. I reposition my headset over my ears and rush out of my dressing room. Another night, another performance, another night of Justin Timberlake the star, not the dad.
________________________________________________________________________
It’s finally the last song of the night and I couldn’t be happier that the show is almost over. Tonight felt different while I was on stage. I felt like pairs of eyes were on me constantly but ones that were familiar. Clearly, I understand that the fans are there to watch me perform but there was something eerily familiar about this show.
I pull the wooden stool up that has become my sanctuary every night and sit down. Trying my best to shake these feelings I take a deep breath before picking up my guitar. This by far has to be my favorite part of the show. It’s the one time I let every one into what my life is really like as Justin Timberlake. This part of the show is completely me and all about my true feelings. Even if it evocates the emotions I’m trying to suppress. Prior to tonight, I’ve performed Staind’s “Epiphany” but I’ve decided to switch the song tonight.
The critics have gotten wind of this part of the show and even though I’ve caught a lot of attention for the song choice, it’s like therapy for me. I let my guard down and release all of my emotions in just three minutes.
“How’s everyone doing tonight?” I yell into the microphone and throw the guitar strap over my shoulder.
“Now I know some of you are expecting me to do a certain Staind song but I decided to change it tonight. Thank you all so much for coming out tonight, I hope you like it.” I say before lifting the pick to the guitar strings and prepare to pour my heart out for a bunch of strangers.
Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
My voice lingers in the microphone and the crowd erupts into cheers. I can feel my walls breaking down and I need to get off this stage. This last song always drains my emotions and I feel the tears pushing their way forward. I bow my head before anyone can notice and the lights go off in the arena. Quickly, I get out of the chair and down the stairs only to be whisked away by security.
I walk through the masses of people backstage all say congratulations on a great show but I barely recognize their voices. I’m in a daze and I’m numb. I need to just be alone. I need to re-group and get myself in check again.
I jog through the backstage and finally see the doorway to my dressing room. Heaven, Sanctuary…alone. Mike props himself next to the door and gives me a pat on the back before I open the door and step inside.
“Surprise…” A voice calls out to me and I draw my head up to see who the hell is in my dressing room.
I feel my chest tighten and the tears that were hovering in my eyes have started to fall down my cheeks. It can’t be. I take a step forward fully thinking the image would disappear but their smiles only get bigger.
“Alyssa? Cadence?”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey there!! I hope everyone's doing well! Thank you all sooo much for the reviews!! You're awesome!! Well here's another update and I hope you like it!! Thank you again!! Enjoy!
Chapter End Notes:
Song Credit:
Nickelback - Savin' Me
Nickelback - Savin' Me
Story Tags: daddyj
