The silence is thick, so thick it can be cut with a knife. I sit in the passenger’s seat of Trace’s car, anticipating what’s about to happen in the next half hour. I look out the window to see dozens of happy people everywhere. There are children jumping up in down in front of their Christmas trees, excited about their new gifts. There’s an old couple walking down the street hand in hand, that special glimmer in their eyes. The sun shines down through the car window and I see my reflection in the mirror. My face is strained, my eyes red and puffy from crying all last night, I attempted to do something with my hair but the curls were too hard to tame and I honestly didn’t have the effort to do anything about it. 

Trace is still, only moving when he has to turn, his face is pale, angry, and hurt. He says nothing, but moves to put his arm on my shoulder every so often, letting me know that he’s still here for me. 

As we pull onto my old street, the scene is the same it’s been for the past twenty years. On the right hand side the Smith’s have their one oak tree decorated with multicolored lights, the Williams family has their reindeer and “Santa, stop here” sign in the front yard, and next is Momma’s house. The house tip toes between the Griswald’s and Rockefeller Center, it’s bushes all decorated with white lights, the pathway lit with light up stars and garland wrapping around the front porch. It’s always felt so warm and inviting to anyone this time of year, but as I get out of the car and touch the door, I feel nothing but cold.

I know I should be happy on my favorite holiday, but as I round the bend into the kitchen Lauren is sitting at the barstool while Justin helps Momma and Lynn cook dinner, I’m suddenly reminded of why I’m so miserable.

“Merry Christmas, sugar!” My mom states as I walk over to her and hug her. She leans into my ear and whispers, “I tried to tell him she wasn’t welcome in this house.”

I laugh at the gesture, unsure of what to do when Lynn comes up behind me and wraps me in a hug. Her eyes are filled with a pleading look, as though I haven’t told her something in a long time. I know she knows, Justin would never go this far without telling Lynn about it. Her face contorts into a look of pity that tells me she understands.

“Ow!” Trace screeches as my sister, Jenna, smacks him over the head. “What was that for?”

“That’s for being you,” she smiles and heads over to me, hugging me. “I missed you, this college thing sucks.” 

I nod, knowing that her leaving home was one of the hardest things she’s had to do in a while. The doorbell rings and Jenna drags me along to answer it. I find myself being bombarded with hugs and kisses from aunts and uncles and my Pap, who makes sure to be the last one in.

“How’s my cupcake?” He asks, pulling the hat off of his head and laying it with his jacket.

“Fine,” I shrug and move to hug him. 

“Did he hurt you? Cause if he did, I’ma beat his a-” he stops, realizing its a holiday and he hasn’t sworn on a holiday since I was born. We walk into the family room where everyone has gathered with gifts, ready to open everything.

We all wait for the go-ahead from Mom and as she comes in from the kitchen, she nods and it begins. I sit back, sipping on the hot cocoa that Jenna left on the table as everyone opens their gifts.

“Ugh! How did you find these?” Jenna enquires about her new Ugg boots, “I’ve been looking everywhere!” 

I laugh a little, “I bought them around Halloween... you know you can never get them after that.”

Everyone in the family continues to open their gifts and Justin walks over to me and places the little square box right in front of me. 

“What’s this?” I question. The box is tiny, about the size that one holding an engagement ring would be, but I know better than this.

“Just open it. It’s my gift to you and you aren’t allowed to return it,” he winks.

I open the box to find keys, marked with the three letters BMW on the front of the key fob. 

“I figured you had a car but when it snows like it does sometimes, you’ll be needing this.” He hands me a pamphlet with the BMW x5 over the front cover and although I’ve always liked the car, it doesn’t change the fact of what’s to come. I get up, hug him, mutter a thank you and sit back in my seat, waiting for the show to begin.

In my mind I can hear myself already breaking down, all of my internal systems shutting down and giving up. He pulls the box out of his pocket, in front of everyone and he gets down on one knee.

“Lauren, I know we haven’t been together all that long,” he starts, “But I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.”

I can feel my mind begin to close off the neural messages that tell me to react, that tell me to cry. I look around the room to see everyone’s expressions, particularly the smug look all over hers. 

“And I was wondering,” he continues, “If you would want to spend the rest of your life with me. Will you marry me?”

She smiles that smug smile again and screams, “Yes!” 

And like a broken drum, my heartbeat begins to falter. I can do nothing, I can’t move, my body is permanently frozen in this position on the couch. He takes her up in his arms and hugs her and kisses her. I witness Lynn put on the act of acting happy for them and Momma trying to be as cordial as possible. I see Trace moving towards me, attempting to make a bad joke. 

“I’m getting married!” She screams.

I get up, smiling, and walk out of the room, up to my old bedroom where I cover myself and just cry. I hear the congratulations around the room downstairs and before I know it I’ve drifted off into a sleep.

I wake up to dinner being put on the table and Lauren still talking about how she’s getting married, she turns to me in the empty dining room as my mother walks out.  

“You know, I thought he was going to get me the six carat, I guess I can settle for four, though. I get to be Mrs. Timberlake, so cool, right Lauren?” Her questions laced with sarcasm, as if she even cares about me.

And before I can even react, like a saving grace, Pap walks into the room “Lauren,” he states, “I think it best you leave.”

Shocked, she asks why she should do such a thing. Pap simply responds, “This is a Hall family Christmas, and you, my dear, are not a member of this family.” 

She storms to Justin, who is laughing with Lynn over something, and yells, “Come on, J. We’re leaving.”

“Why would we do something that stupid?” He asks. 

“Because apparently I’m not a member of this family,” she states.

“Well that’s just ridiculous,” he says, “right mom?”

Lynn is silent, not knowing what to say as Pap and Gram walk into the room together. “Right Mom?” Justin asks again, “Mom?”

“Son,” Pap states, “As I told Lauren, this has and always will be a Hall Family Christmas. We are more than happy to welcome friends and family into this home, but I will not put up with those who are phony or fake. It simply won’t happen.”

“What are you talking about?” Justin asks.

“She’s just fucking jealous that you proposed to me and not her,” Lauren quips. 

And like roaring thunder, Momma looks up at her, shocked, “Lauren, get out. I will not tolerate this in my house on Christmas.”

“Justin, let’s go!” Lauren states, “Who needs this anyway?”

They move to get their jackets and Trace pats Justin on the back, “Nice pick there, J. Have a Merry Christmas.”