You've Got Mail Pt 2
And so it went that the only change to his routine, the days that were like all the others, is that he usually exchanged a few emails with Shannon everyday. Sometime during the night she sent him an email that would be waiting for him in the morning-- a random question, a general musing, a deep thought. He would reply and answer or commiserate, or provide a deep thought of his own.
To say her emails brightened his days would be an understatement. He found himself inventing more 'things' to do because being busy would take up more time and make the days go faster and bring the evening, when he could check his email and see what funny picture or saying or thought-- or laugh-- provoking thing she'd sent him. If there was no email waiting for him, the day didn't seem to go right. She was apart of his day, his routine, his everyday. Inasmuch as the routine was boring and irritating, it was also comforting. It gave him purpose. It kept him moving and not stagnating on the couch, watching Nick at Night reruns and getting fat.
Subject: If you could change the world...
Or change your name... what would you change it to?
Shannon
He'd been two initials for so long that people forgot he actually had a name. No one called him by his name but his family—it was weird to hear his family call him 'JC', so they'd stuck to calling him 'Josh' like they always had. He liked it-- it helped him keep a grip on reality and remember who he really was. It was easy to get caught up in what other people thought he was, and treated him as. Sometimes he sort of felt like the initials defined him. They were the reason he could live his life the way he did. The same day, everyday.
Subject: Re: If you could change the world...
Or change my name? Hummmm. Yeah, I don't know. I have this... nickname. Like Jake, I go by initials sometimes. It's been so long since anyone called me by my given name besides my family, that if I could change my name I'd go back to my actual, real name.
It's more... normal. That doesn't make sense to you, but it does, to me.
What about you? I kind of can't imagine you with any other name but Shannon, now.
Joshua
Subject: Re: Re: If you could change the world...
So no one actually calls you Joshua? I like that name... I can't imagine calling you anything else either.
I've always wanted an exotic name-- something Italian or French or... southern. Ha! Like Virginia. Or something elegant, like Elise. But I sort of look like a Shannon, I guess. And I like my name, too. Maybe I'm just used to it.
Shannon
She looked like a Shannon? What does a Shannon look like? Was she hinting that she wanted him to know what she looked like? He couldn't get into that-- she'd want to know what he looked like and then the jig would be up. And he didn't quite want the jig to be up-- so he didn't take the bait. He wanted to know, but he sort of already had a picture in his head of what she looked like and didn't really want to ruin it. She could be, like, 300 lbs with a beard. Or 67 lbs with sunken eyes and stringy hair. Or totally gorgeous, in which case he'd want to know what was wrong with her because... totally gorgeous chicks don't have time to email random men in LA two or three times a day about mundane things like name changes. So no, he wouldn't ask her what she looked like. But he wanted to know.
Subject: Have you ever?
Been arrested?
Been in a fight?
Had a DejaVu experience?
Talked to a famous person?
Seen a tornado
Milked a cow?
Shot a gun?
Asked a woman when she was due and she wasn't pregnant?
I'm nosy, again.
Shannon
Subject: Re: Have you ever?
You're pretty nosy. Let's see, here.
Been arrested? – No. I'm a good boy.
Been in a fight?- No, I'm a good boy. Wow, I'm boring.
Had a DejaVu experience?- Sometimes my whole life is deja vu. Like, everyday, I do the same things. See the same people. Go the same places.
Talked to a famous person?- This is LA. Everyone's famous.
Seen a tornado- Not in person. They're cool though. I like the Weather channel, storm stories, and like Discovery Channel, stuff like that. They sometimes show hurricanes and tornado stuff. I'm sort of a science geek- I like that stuff.
Milked a cow?- Ha! I don't think so. You'd think I'd remember that.
Shot a gun?- I hate guns. I'm not really into them at all-- I'm a really peaceful person.
Asked a woman when she was due and she wasn't pregnant? - I try to steer clear of that. There are way too many ways to insult a woman these days. We men just keep our mouths shut, or we'll say the wrong thing.
It's your turn-- tell me your secrets and don't tell me lies.
Joshua.
Subject: Re: Re: Have you ever?
Been arrested?- Uhmmmmmmm. blush*
Been in a fight?- Yeah that's how I got arrested. The charges were dropped.
Had a DejaVu experience? All the time. It seems like everyday I do something I feel like I've done before.
Talked to a famous person?- I've never met anyone famous. I'm dying to, though. Just to see what would happen-- like if I would freak out, or act normal. I think I would freak out.
Seen a tornado? - Yeah I've seen one, in person. It was pretty far off... freaky. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. One of those things that's so beautiful but so dangerous. Because of that, I'm a total Tornado freak. I watch everything on TV about tornadoes. I own every movie about tornadoes. I love the Weather Channel. :)
Milked a cow? Yes. She kicked me, so never again.
Shot a gun?- No. I'm scared of guns. My mom thinks I should have one, since I live alone. I think I'd shoot myself before I'd shoot anyone else.
Asked a woman when she was due and she wasn't pregnant- No! I agree there are too many ways to insult women.
I don't have any secrets... I don't tell lies! How was your day?
Shannon
Subject: Deja Vu
It was the same as yesterday. I just answered a different email.
Yours?
Joshua
Subject: Re: Deja Vu
The same. That's what I meant when I said that. I feel like every day is a day I've lived before.
We're quite a pair, aren't we?
Shannon
Subject: Re: Re: Deja Vu
Pair of what? : )
Joshua
Subject: Re: Re:Re: Deja Vu
Goofy kids. It's late. Why aren't you out painting the town red, or something? '
Aren't there millions of things to do there?
Shannon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Deja Vu
I could ask you the same question.
Joshua
It was a valid question, really. He just didn't feel like answering it. He didn't feel like telling her that his social life was lived through email. That there wasn't anyone in his actual life that compared to her-- his... friend???-- that lived inside his email inbox. That a fun Saturday night was exchanging funny jokes with her till 2 am and then checking his email again at 11 the next morning. She was a habit, and one that he didn't mind developing or maintaining but could be damaging if he let it go too far.
One day, as was bound to happen eventually, he awoke to no email from Shannon. From time to time Shannon missed a day, or got caught up in something and they didn't email, but it always picked up in a few hours or the next day. That night, however, there was no email... and he didn't sleep well. The next day, still no word from her and by nightfall, he got tired of checking and rechecking. He didn't know if he should worry, or just accept his fate, that the same thing that always happened with women had happened with her-- that he was unwilling to open up to her, and he wouldn't tell her anything about himself so she was bored with him and moved on. It was yet another thing that happened the same way, every time. He really couldn't help it... he just wasn't the type to lose his mind over a girl.
Shannon... was different, though. She was a friend. And there was a pattern to her. She was the part of his day that he enjoyed the most. When they missed a day or two, he felt off-kilter and out of sorts. They hadn't missed a day in weeks. Yet here it was, day three, and he hadn't heard a peep.
Subject: Should I send a search party?
Hi. I haven't heard from you in days. I hope it's OK to send this.
If we're done, that's cool.
If I made you mad, let me know.
If you're OK but you don't want to talk just tell me you're fine so I can stop thinking of you being trapped under something heavy in your apartment down the street from where people might possibly freebase crack.
Ok? I'm not being smothery. Just caring.
Joshua
A day went by. And then two. A few more long, boring, routine filled days in which he missed her. Terribly. More than he wanted to and more that he would admit to, if asked, but missed her nonetheless. He'd talked to her more than he'd talked to anyone lately and he missed his friend.
And then, suddenly, in the middle of a long boring day in which he hadn't even had the energy, desire, or interest in getting out of bed... an email came.
Subject: I'm OK.
I'm so sorry, Joshua. I shouldn't have disappeared. It's a long story, but I'm back. And I won't disappear again – at least I don't plan to.
Again... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry.
Speaking of being trapped under something heavy, I got a dog. : ) He's an English Bulldog. He weighs like 60 lbs. He's gorgeous. I love him. His name is Bruno.
Shannon
A sigh of relief escaped him. It came from way deep down in his chest, from his heart. She was OK. And she wasn't going away again. It embarrassed him how much a simple email meant to him, but he didn't want to investigate that feeling, for fear it would make him want to fix it. He was enjoying this, having a friend who had no clue who he was. Who wouldn't pull on him to do favors for her. Who wouldn't treat him like someone special or famous or different. He was random guy from LA, to her and he liked that. He wanted to stay random guy as long as possible.
Subject: Re: I'm OK.
It just so happens I'm in the mood for a long story.
I'm happy you're back.
Do I get to see Bruno? I applaud the nice name for the dog. Saucy Rossy was just... I can't even type that anymore.
Joshua
A new email arrived. Attached was a photo of a rather large dog, caramel in color with white legs and feet and underbelly, a dark snout and beady eyes. She was right, he was gorgeous. He reached out and touched the screen, as if he could pet him. He smiled at the candid, the dog sitting in what must have been her kitchen, from the tile floor and brown cabinets. In the corner of the photo, he saw a frame on the counter. If he could enlarge it, he could see the picture... he wondered if it was her. Maybe he could see Shannon without asking her to send him a picture, and her asking for one in return. The minute she saw him, it would be over. And he didn't want that, quite yet.
Subject: Bruno
Meet Bruno. He says hi. He's super super sweet. And huge. Like 60 lbs. He likes to lay on my feet. He's under my computer desk right now. Laying on my feet. If I'm sitting on the couch, he lays on the floor, on my feet. If I'm LAYING on the couch, he climbs up and lays... on my feet. In bed...on my feet. It's really sweet... and kind of annoying... but mostly sweet.
So the long story.
You got me in trouble. : ) Remember the guy I was dating? The science teacher from Corvallis?
He surprised me by just driving up one night last week. Since I work at all hours, I like to know when he's coming, so I can finish things up early and have time to spend with him. Right? So when he shows out of the blue, I'm irritated. But not because I have work to do, but because I was emailing you and he interrupted.
So he's wondering why I'm a bitch, and I'm not answering and I go back to work. And I flip from the email screen, and he comes up behind me and flips back and before I can stop him he sees the many... MANY emails from you.
I guess I could have lied and said they were from Jake, but they weren't. And he doesn't know Jake, and I wouldn't tell him I was emailing an old fuck buddy. He was jealous and very upset, because I email you more than I email him, and he basically gave me an ultimatum.
And stupidly, I agreed to it because I thought maybe I could have been keeping myself from something good, with someone good, and I didn't want anything-- even a random friendship with a guy I met on accident-- to get in the way of that.
I was miserable, though. I missed my friend. I missed our daily chat about nothing and somehow everything. He got creepy, like calling me all the time and following up on me and trying to hack my email, to see if I was still emailing you.
Eventually, I just couldn't take it. He's made so many demands in the last year that he makes dating him such a chore. And no one tells me who I can and can't talk to. It's not my fault you're insecure, you know? I could not give a shit who he's emailing with. It's not worth worrying and being unhappy... I'm young and if I'm in love, everyday should be happy—or at least most of them. Right?
So, I broke up with him. And then I was embarrassed to start emailing you again... because I guess I didn't really want to admit that talking to some random guy made me happier than being with my boyfriend. Instead of being ecstatic to see a man I hadn't seen in three weeks, I was irritated that he'd interrupted our daily meaningless (yet meant the world to me) question and answer session.
That should have been a clue, I guess.
Then I logged in and I saw your email and... this is dumb, but... it made me ridiculously happy, to see your name in my inbox. I'm embarrassed about how happy it made me to see it. I guess I thought you would just get used to not talking anymore, and l I'd never hear from you again. But really, as embarrassing as it is, I don't care. I'm happy we're talking again. And I'm sorry I disappeared. And I'm not gonna do that again.
So how have you been?
Shannon
Ridiculously happy. Embarrassed at the happy. He knew that feeling very well.
Subject : Re: Bruno
That was a long story. That guy is an ass. I'm glad you're rid of him. He doesn't deserve you, and I'm not just saying that.
It sounds like it had a happy ending for you though, and that you're better without him. At least I hope you're not just putting on a good front.
I've been OK. Honestly, I was worried when I didn't hear from you, and I wasn't doing too well because of it. But now that I know you're fine, I'm fine. And things are good over here.
Bruno is beautiful. And huge. What made you get a dog?
Joshua
He sent the email and flipped back to the picture. He enlarged and then enlarged and then enlarged again, centering on the photo on the counter in what appeared to be her kitchen. It came up blurry and pixelated, but he could make out a woman that looked rather normal. She had straight brown hair that looked kind of long, and in the picture, she was laughing, so her eyes were all squinted up, sort of like his got when he smiled big. And she was smiling big. A big, beautiful, laughing smile of straight white teeth. He smiled at the picture, like she was smiling at him. Laughing with him. He wished he could know for sure, but he had a feeling the woman in the photo was Shannon. She was beautiful.
Subject: Re: Re: Bruno
I guess I was just lonely. Needed something to take care of. I'm totally glad I got him, though. We always had dogs growing up, but I haven't had a dog since... well since Rossy.
Thank you for being worried. That warms my heart. : )
So are you ever going to tell me what you write?
Shannon
He read her email and sighed with frustration. If only she knew what answering that question would lead to. He could only keep himself and his job and his... life... a secret for so long.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bruno
I write music. I've done some stuff for soundtracks and I write for music artists-- mostly new artists and people who kind of fly under the radar. Nothing too big of a deal.
I've also had a couple of bit parts in TV shows. Guy #1, stuff like that. Doubt you've seen them and before you ask-- I won't tell you which ones. :) I consider them my practice, and people digging that old stuff up creeps me out. When I'm not feeling self conscious, I'll send you some samples. I'm pretty self conscious, though.
Joshua
He struggled with whether or not to press send. He didn't want to lie and it seemed rude to be so vague and he definitely wasn't going to give her clues to find out who he was-- but he didn't want to chase her away, either. It was a delicate balance he had to strike-- give her enough information that she wasn't bored but not enough that she could find out too much, too soon. Eventually he would have to either tell her everything... or stop talking to her. The latter didn't seem like an option. Not right now. He depended on her daily contact a little too much. He pressed send and hoped for the best.
Subject: No worries
I won't pry. You seem to be very protective and I respect that. I won't dig anymore... I'm sorry.
You feel free to tell me whatever you feel comfortable telling me. I won't hold it against you.
But I think what you do is cool.
Shannon
She thought what he did was cool. That made him smile. And it made going through his day... his average, 'everyday the same as the day before' day... not so bad. And recently, his days weren't so much the same. When he could raise his head above the droll mundane...everyday-ness of his everyday, he could see other opportunities on the horizons. Reasons to leave the house. Reasons to do something else. Reasons to get excited.
That was something he hadn't felt in awhile. Excitement. Something completely different. Something he wasn't used to. Something that was old, but new. And something, he thought, that Shannon brought out in him. He couldn't explain it but... something about her and their daily conversations and her joyful demeanor showed him life didn't have to be the same day, everyday. The same droll groundhog day almost didn't exist anymore. On occasion, he had the same day he always had, but his new routine was... not a routine.
He was happy more often. He smiled more often. He laughed a lot.
Subject: I was almost in Star Wars
But I got cut. That's your 'strange trivia about me' for the day.
How are you? Sorry I've been MIA today. I didn't mean to disappear. I just... have been trying to get rid of that deja vu thing, where I have the same day, everyday. I can't do that anymore. It's killing me.
More Bruno pictures, please.
Joshua
Subject: Re: I was almost in Star Wars
You were NOT almost in Star Wars. I don't believe you one bit. ; )
I've been good. Really good. I got a fun, really fun new project so I've been digging into it hard. I meant to write, I just... kept getting side tracked.
I took Bruno camping last weekend and we took some cool pictures. As soon as I upload them I'll send you some.
So. I'm nosy. What do you look like? You don't have to send me pictures. Just. Tell me. So I can see if the picture of you I have in mind is close.
Shannon
He was definitely getting close to having to tell her something he didn't want to but might have to. He couldn't deal with not being able to talk to her. But he didn't want her to know who he was. The minute she knew, she would change. How they talked and what they talked about and how she talked to him would change. She would become like all the other girls he talked to, girls he asked out, not because he liked them but because they were a warm body and someone to talk to, but they obviously weren't there to talk. He didn't want her to become just a warm body. He wanted her to stay his friend.
Subject: Picture Rick Astley with dark brown hair
And you get me. Blue eyes. They disappear when I smile. Big nose. Chipmunk teeth. I'm laughing at my description of myself. I sound... unfortunate looking.
And I was almost in Star Wars. I was Wookie #7. You'll never know, because it got cut.
And you?
Joshua
Subject: Re: Picture Rick Astley with dark brown hair
Rick Astley? Rick 'I have the voice of Barry White and the face of Howdy Doody' Astley?
'Never gonna give never gonna give, give you up' Rick Astley?
Seriously. Rick Astley? You're joking with me, Joshua.
What do you think I look like?
I sent some photos of Bruno. He's absolutely the love of my life, right now.
Shannon
He didn't see what was so funny about looking like Rick Astley. It wasn't an exact match but it was the closest he could think of. What did he think she looked like? He grinned and started typing.
Subject: The picture in my head
I think you're probably a blond. No, a redhead. Yeah a redhead. About uhm... yeah I dunno about six feet tall.
I won't say how much I think you weigh, but even if you're rail thin, you probably think you're fat. You're probably not, but nothing anyone else says will convince you that you're not.
I think you have big, wide feet. And football helmet hair. Like Sally Field hair.
And long, thin, piano playing fingers. And you wear acrylic nails. And in the winter, you wear those big gaudy reindeer sweaters. And jingle bell earrings.
Am I close? : )
Joshua
Subject: Please burn that picture in your head
If you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm not gonna play...
I'm not a blond, or a redhead. I have brown hair. In the summer, I get blond highlights though. I have brown eyes. Dark brown. Plain brown.
My eyes do that disappear thing, too. When I laugh really big. My mom's eyes do that.
I'm not six feet tall. 5'7”. And I don't have big feet. And I don't think I'm fat. In about ten years I'll be all about low fat this and low cholesterol that and not using butter or margarine and not eating cheese.. but for now I'm pretty happy with how I look.
I do not wear whimsy. My aunt does, though. Meanie. : )
Shannon
PS. The third picture attached is me and Bruno
His heart pounded as he opened the attachments. Bruno was a giant, beautiful animal. His face held so much character and personality. He seemed to fit her. Well his idea of her, anyway. He left the third picture for last. He almost didn't want to open it. It would ruin the idea of her that he had in his head. What if she wasn't the girl in the picture with the big smile? He clicked the attachment and closed his eyes while it loaded. A few seconds later his eyes opened and a slow grin spread across his face.
It was her. But clear. Not pixelated and not blurry and not a creepy enlargement of a photo he wasn't meant to see. It was a sunny day. She was in the middle of a forest, deep green everywhere, at a campsite, in front of an indigo blue two man tent. Bruno sat next to her, looking bored. She looked exquisite.
Well, not glamorous or fancy. Normal. Jeans and hiking boots and a long sleeve t-shirt under a fleece pullover normal. Everyday girl from the northwest normal. Long, brown, silky (looked silky to him) hair, one side tucked behind an ear, the other framing her face. She had an oval face. A pretty, oval face. And nice, pretty skin. Glowy skin. She was smiling, just a small, casual smile. Her lips were full and plump and had a nice natural pink color to them. They had a cupid's bow, the kind he loved to –WHOA. Down boy. STOP.
He closed the attachment, but not before saving it and went back to his email. Smiling, he typed out a short note to her.
Subject: You
Are beautiful. Really beautiful. I mean that.
When I'm not so self conscious, I'll send you a picture of me.
Joshua
Why. Why did he offer that? WHY?
Subject: Me?
Thank you. I wasn't fishing, really. But thank you.
Take your time, with the picture. I know you don't want to send it and I won't push you to.
Have you ever, like... thought about what your life would be like if you did just one thing differently? Like, if you did something else for a living or lived a different life?
Shannon
Just about everyday for the last... lifetime. But recently, he'd come to peace with the fact that this was the life he led. It was a life he chose. And, well, the life chose him. He didn't get into this on his own.. some of it was his mom, and some of it was Justin and some of it was Joey and then after it got started, it sort of snowballed-- well, it took hard work and rough living but still. It was inevitable. But he was where he was because of the life he chose, and he couldn't go back and un-live it... so he just had to deal. And whatever he did going forward, he had to be happy with.
Subject: Re: Me?
Thanks for your patience.
Have I ever thought about living a different life? All the time. When I was younger, I wanted to be an architect. Did I tell you that?
I like art. Artistic expression, in any form. And construction and design is like a big huge art project. How it comes together. Stuff like that. I like that.
I like to think if I wasn't doing this I'd have gone to architecture school and I'd be like some really 'out there' building designer.
Joshua
Subject: Out there...
See, and then you'd have a reason to wear those pretentiously expensive shades. Not plain shades, COLORED shades. Like blue or green or yellow. And you could put on this fake British-- no, FRENCH accent. And be very hard to work with and full of yourself.
I can see it. ; )
I'm glad you're you, though. And do what you do. Because we'd never have met, probably, if you were some famous architect with a fake French accent and pretentious shades.
I try to think about what my life would be like. I mean, I can't imagine myself in another job-- I love this way too much. But what if I hadn't have chased Jake off? Would we have committed to each other and fallen in love and got married?
He's getting married. Jake is getting married.
And I don't know how I feel about it. He wrote me, last week, for the first time in months, to tell me. He said he hadn't been writing because his girlfriend, now fiancée, didn't like it. But wanted to invite me to the wedding.
I'm not getting all schmaltzy. It just got me thinking about what my life would be like if I were her instead of... me.
But then, I'd have never met you. :) And I'd have never met Bruno. And right now, those are the two things that make me happy. Really happy.
Shannon
He read her email several times, he just didn't know what to say back. It wasn't that he was afraid. It was a good thing to hear. Or read. Just... he felt like a fraud.
She'd opened herself up to him completely and shared so much of herself with him. Because she could, without being afraid. And he hadn't shared much of himself. She didn't push him to, but he didn't know how long she would stay so patient. He longed, now, to be real with her. To not have to hide. To not have to be careful what he said and what he talked about. To not have to worry about not giving clues. The time he once dreaded was now inevitable. He couldn't get to know her-- and let her get to know him-- until she knew who he was.
