You've got Mail

Ch. 3

Tyler found out by accident, and then it was an avalanche of people asking 'who's Shannon?' It wasn't that he was ashamed of having met her, he just wanted to keep her to himself. She was HIS friend... like an interactive journal. Sometimes she was so much therapy for him. If his day sucked, he sent her an email that just said 'my day sucked'. In return he got a funny story or a funny picture or just a knowing 'I'm sorry, friend. I hope tomorrow is better.' He didn't want to share what they talked about, or how often they talked, with anyone. No one was supposed to know about her. He didn't want to share her.

It was his fault, really. He'd got so used to talking to her throughout the day that he'd drag the notebook downstairs with him in the morning. While he drank his coffee and read the news online--New York Times and USA Today and MSNBC and CNN-- he read and wrote emails. He got so used to it that one day he left his notebook downstairs, on the coffee table, and left for the day, a day that was no longer a routine. While he was gone, Tyler came home and decided to use the notebook to check his email. Since they used the same service, Tyler would have to log him out before he could log in. And that's when he discovered HUNDREDS of email from shannon.brinkley. Hundreds. Which didn't seem odd, at first until he scanned the subject titles and figured out that his brother had a secret. He didn't pry, he didn't open any of them-- he'd never violate Josh's privacy like that-- but he made a note to ask 'who's Shannon?' He just hadn't meant to ask Josh in a room full of people.

When Tyler blurted out 'hey Josh, who's Shannon?' he didn't know Josh wasn't alone. He didn't know he was actually having friends over, and actually talking to people and actually being social. Lance glanced at him, confused. He and JC were practically best friends, these days-- had been since they met 15 years ago-- he'd never heard of a Shannon. The room was silent. Everyone was staring. He didn't know what to say, so he told the truth-- she was a girl he met on accident when she sent an email to him, meant for someone else. Except they didn't stop talking when he told her she'd made a mistake... and here they were months and months, nearly a year later and they were still talking.

“Are you gonna meet her?”

“What's she look like?”

“Where does she live?”

“Does she know who you are?”

The only question he felt comfortable answering was the last one. She didn't know... but he was close to telling her. He asked their advice-- should he tell her?

“Definitely. At this point, you're pretty much lying,” said Lance

“No. No. No. Just... dude, just leave it like it is. It's not like you're gonna know her the rest of your life,” said Shawn.

“I don't know. I want cookies,” said Tyler.

He was losing sleep over this dilemma. He didn't want things to change. But a part of him felt like Lance was right... at this point hiding who he really was and what he really did amounted to lying. On the other hand, Shawn was right. Was she going to be in his life forever? Did she really have to know?

What this boiled down to was what he really wanted out of what they had. Was she someone he thought he'd know for awhile and eventually they'd grow apart? Or did he think he'd always know her? Always talk to her? Because if he'd always know her and always talk to her, it was about time she really knew what was up. He was running out of ways to hide it.

He didn't think he was afraid, anymore, that she would change. She seemed pretty constant, day to day, week to week, month to month. It's hard to be disingenuous for a long period of time-- and as long as he'd 'known' her, she seemed pretty real. If she was feeling bitchy, she said so. If she was pissed at something he said, she let him know and they worked it out. If she was feeling schmaltzy-- that's what she called it when she was all 'you mean a lot to me' -- she just let it flow. She seemed comfortable in her skin and he envied that.

Subject: Famous People

So, from time to time I meet a celebrity. Some of them are pretty cool. You mentioned that you hadn't. So, if you could meet one, who would it be? What would you do? What would you talk about, if you could, like... have lunch with them or something?

Joshua

Subject: Re:Famous People

I'd have lunch with a ton of people!

Tom Hanks- I love. Oh, have you ever seen that movie, 'You've Got Mail'? With him and Meg Ryan? That movie reminds me of us. These two people become friends through email. And there's other stuff, but the email thing is awesome. It's a cute movie.

I would love to lunch with Kanye West, just to listen to him talk about himself. I find him amusing, and I like his music.

I would have breakfast, lunch, and dinner with Kathy Griffin. People say she's mean, and I know that's supposed to be a bad thing but I just love her frank attitude and her 'I don't give a shit' way of living life. Sometimes I give too much of a shit. I wish I was more outspoken like her.

Tons of others, none really jump to mind, though. I liked that show 'Politically Incorrect', where Bill Maher would get celebrity perspective on everyday things like unisex bathrooms, and politics and things like that- that's how I'd figure lunch would go. Celebrities are people, too, right?

Really interesting, well known... people.

Shannon
 

He realized, reading her email, that it must be nice to be a regular everyday person. Not boring or uninteresting, just... civilian, he called it. Not well known. Not friends with well known people. Living a life no one cared to document in photographs and videotape, and to sit and dream about meeting people he had met, and some he knew very well. He thought she might react very well to his news. He just wasn't sure how to tell her. And he needed to see this Tom Hanks movie.

Subject: Halp.

I have a date. I haven't had a date in a long time. I want to say forever, but I don't want to be dramatic.

*fretfretfretfret*

Shannon

I have a date. I have a date. I have a date.

He didn't read past those letters for the first few minutes after he got the email. Something happened to him, inside him, somewhere in the vicinity of his lungs. He sort of stopped breathing and was lightheaded and couldn't think.

I have a date. She had a date. “Well duh, man,” he told himself. “Of course she has a date. You've seen her. Did you really think she was saving herself for random man from LA? JSC080876? “Joshua” who won't tell her anything about himself and hadn't ever sent her a picture, almost a year later? Really? You're jealous?”

Subject: Re: Halp

Honey, just be yourself. There's nothing to fret about. Who says 'fret' these days? You been talking to your Grandma again?

When is your date?

Joshua
 

Subject: Re: Re: Halp

I use antiquated language when I'm nervous.

Tomorrow. I'm so nervous. Shit.

Shannon

Subject: Talk to me

Tell me about this guy. And where are you going?

Joshua

He did want to know, so he could help her. But really he wanted to know because... well he just wanted to know. He had to know. If she started dating, she would write less. And yes, he was selfish. He didn't want her to write less.

Subject: Re: Talk to me

He's some guy I met at a bookstore. One of Portland's best, Powell's. This store is so huge and so awesome, it fills a city block. I like to spend a morning over there just perusing... reading stuff... looking around.

Anyway, I picked up this book-- I'm doing a site for an art gallery and I wanted some inspiration. I just was flipping through the book and he came and sat beside me and was quiet for quite a bit, flipping through his book, too. Then he started making comments and we started talking, and.. well obviously, I talk to strangers. : ) He made me laugh, so loud we got 'shushed'.

So he asked me my name and I told him and then he told me his- Andy- and he asked if I'd like to go the opening of the gallery I'm doing a website for. I mean, I was already going, but now I have a date for it. Like, dinner and stuff before hand.

I just haven't been on a real date in awhile and I get very chatty when I'm nervous and I'm nervous as FUCK.

Let's talk about something else.

Shannon

Yes. Lets. Let's not talk about Andy and how he made her laugh and she was nervous as FUCK to go out with him. Not while he was contemplating sharing something big with her.

Subject: Something Else

What book were you flipping through?

Joshua

Subject: Re: Re: Something Else

I'm sort of obsessed with Ancient Egypt these days. I picked up The Treasures of Ancient Egypt: From the Egyptian Museum in Cairo.

The gallery's first exhibit is what this book is about-- treasures and antiques from ancient Egypt. I cant wait to see them in person! I bought the book, actually, and brought it home. I needed the inspiration for the web pages.

I'm feeling better. If I don't think about it, I don't freak out.

Do you ever date?

Shannon
 

Date? Or ask women out just to be with someone? Just to have someone to talk to? Have sex because she's hot and warm and he needed it, not because he necessarily need to show how he felt about someone? Met women and talked to them and compared them, in his head to Shannon? He did a lot of that. Date? Nah.
 

Subject: Date?

I go out with people. I don't... really date.

It's a lot to deal with. Sometimes too much, to deal with. I just haven't met someone I'm willing to jump through the dating kinds of hoops with, in awhile. And lately I stay pretty busy, and my schedule varies so much... it gets hard when it's like the third Friday night in a row that I'm working and she wants to like, be social and spend time together. I just don't have the energy for that, right now.

So you haven't gone out with anyone since the Science Teacher? That was months ago.


Joshua
 

Subject: Re: Date?

No, not since him. I kind of take long breaks between boyfriends. I need to readjust and find myself again, otherwise I start thinking new guy is like old guy and that isn't fair. I need a clean slate every time, you know?

Shannon

Subject: Re: Re: Date?

Yeah. I know. Well good luck tomorrow. If you're half as captivating in person as you are in email, he will adore you. I hope he's good enough for you. Seriously. You deserve someone good.

I gotta head out for the night, and I'll be out of here early tomorrow and out all day-- work. Get lots of sleep and don't worry. There's really nothing you can do but be yourself. Ok?

Email me when you get back though?

Joshua

 

He had a terrific, fantastic, fun day. It was a long day and it was hard work. It was TV work, which always made him sort of nervous until he got used to cameras again. He started on TV, so it shouldn't weird him out, but it was a little jarring every time he stepped away from it and then got back into it. So yes, it was TV but it was also artistic and something he loved and almost didn't sign up for but in the end was glad he did. It would be fun, and he had something new to do every week.

He was also making progress on actually having a career. He was gun shy, for sure. The thing was, he'd been 'in the business' for a long time, and didn't feel like he should have to sort through the same deals that the young upstarts he was writing for was getting. He didn't want to get all 'don't you know who I am?' but seriously-- didn't they know who he was? He wasn't in a hurry. Sometimes just the right comedy of errors worked in your favor. Until something happened that he could feel confident about, he would do other things.

He came home pretty late, after the taping, but had no email from Shannon. He took a shower, watched some TV, made some phone calls and still no email from Shannon. He fell asleep waiting and late, very late, a faint 'ding' woke him up. She was home.

Subject: Finally. Home. OMG.

First, the exhibit. INCREDIBLE. I saw EVERYTHING. Every piece. It was amazing.

Second, remember when I said I was really chatty when I was nervous? I guess Andy is, too. I can't remember anything I said, all night. Maybe because I didn't say anything. He talked about himself the entire time. All through dinner. The drive from the restaurant to the gallery. Throughout the exhibit.

Then, he wanted to leave early. I wasn't ready to go-- I mean, I was really into it. He kept saying 'this'll be here for a few weeks, we can always come back. Let's go. Let's go have some dessert. I feel a connection. We need to talk more'.

I told him that I wasn't really feeling a connection with him, and he could leave, if he liked, but I planned to stay. He actually left! Wow.

I went out with some friends after, and they brought me home.

Why are guys so weird? Why can't I meet someone normal?

How are you? How was your long day? I thought about you, a lot. I enjoyed the exhibit but I would have so rather have been talking to you. It would have been neat if you were here and you could have gone to the opening with me. We'd have had a good time, together.

I'm heading to bed. If you're still up, I'll catch you in the morning. Sleep tight.

Shannon
 

He'd never been so happy to hear about a bad date. Which made him feel bad-- he didn't want to wish bad dates and a horrible time on her. But it appeared she was not going to be dating this 'Andy' and he wouldn't take Shannon away from him. Yes, he was selfish, and he didn't want to share her.

Subject: Sorry about your bad date

But yay for the great exhibit. If I was there, I would have loved to go with you.

My long day was perfect. Terrific, in fact. I had fun.

Hope you had good sleep. Talk to you later.

Joshua
 

He logged off, set the notebook on the nightstand, and rolled over. But he couldn't sleep. He had to tell her. It was killing him to not tell her. Tomorrow, he decided... he would try to tell her.

Subject: What would you say...

If I told you I'd been keeping something from you? Something important. Would you be mad?


Joshua
 

Subject: Re:What would you say...

You're not married, are you?
 

Honestly? Hm. Well.  We agreed not to push each other to share too much, but after all this time I might be a little sad that you still feel like there are things you can't tell me.

You haven't told me a whole lot about you. I don't know if you're shy or if you don't trust me. Either way, I just decided a long time ago to wait it out. Either you would someday feel comfortable about telling me or there would be tons of things I'd never know about you.


Shannon
 

Subject: Re: Re: What would you say...

Ha, no I'm not married. Nowhere near it.

Someday?  So  you think we'll still talk, months and years from now?

Joshua
 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: What would you say...
 

Well, I'm an optimist, so... yes I think so. Because I want to. I hope we do.

What's with the questions?

Shannon
 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: What would you say...

Shannon...I have something to tell you. I HAVE to tell you this,  and I don't know how to say it.

It's not bad. I just have been keeping something important from you. Something that's a really big part of me, of my life and it's made it so I can't share very much with you and I feel like that's a huge stumbling block, right now.

I feel like a fraud, anymore. We've talked about so much, and I've left out so much. And you've shared so much and I have really liked getting to know you, but I haven't shared hardly anything at all, and I'm aware of that.  You've been there for me, without even knowing it, so much, which I'm very thankful for.

So I kind of feel like... I feel like you deserve to know this very important thing.

Joshua

 

Subject: Okay. Well.

Are you not really ready to say it? If not, you don't have to. I'm not going anywhere.

Take your time.

Shannon

 

He wished she could stop being so sweet and nice and demand to know, so he could just get mad and bang it out and hit send, without thinking. But that wasn't her nature. She was patient. She would wait as long as he made her wait and wouldn't complain. She would be curious and it would probably drive her mad, but she wouldn't ask.

He just had to... he just had to say it. Type it, rather. Out with it. Just.. say it. Just start. Just open an email and say it. Just... OK start slow.
 

Subject: So, here goes.

Sort of.

I'm not ready to say who I am, yet...but you probably know me. I mean.. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a pompous ass, so I'll just say I'm a celebrity.

You probably know me by face if not by name. And if you don't, then just ignore all this.

Ha!

Joshua

Subject: Re: So, here goes
 

Are you serious? Is this a joke?

Don't joke with me, Joshua. You know I'm kind of gullible!

Shannon

Subject: Re: Re: So, here goes
 

I'm serious.

I'm really nervous about this because  I don't want things to change. I want us to still be friends and for us to still talk like always and I don't want you get all..'fawny'... and weird and... freak out. Lol.

Joshua
 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: So, here goes
 

Oh. Well. I can understand that. I'm not patronizing you. I just... I can understand that. I wouldn't want things to change, either and I promise to not be 'fawny' and to not be weird and to not freak out.

And I totally understand if you still want to wait. Take your time.

Shannon

He was feeling more and more confident. TELL her.

 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: So, here goes
 

Who do you think I am?

What do you think I do?

Yeah. I'm stalling.


Joshua

Subject: You
 

Are uhmmmmmmmmm. Ooh. You ARE a world famous architect! A pretentious, self loving, trendy colored shades wearing, fake accent having, famous 'really out there' architect.

Or...

Okay you said you write music. You're a temperamental composer. One of those that sits in dark rooms and writes concertos so moving you cry at your own music. You even have a powdered wig.

Or...

You're hip hop superstar. That's it, isn't it. You're a rapper. Are you Vanilla Ice? OMG! You're Vanilla Ice!

:)

Shannon
 

Subject: Re: You
 

Well if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm not gonna play....

Joshua
 

Subject: Re: Re: You
 

I'm serious!

Honey, I have no idea. I'd like to say I don't care, but I do and I want to know but I don't want to push.

It doesn't matter, either way, who you are. We'll always be cool. And I'm sure it'll be nice to not have to hide stuff, huh?

Shannon

She made him laugh like no one else. He wasn't as nervous, now. I mean, come on. It was Shannon. His friend. Of course she was gonna be ok with it. So, just tell her, man. Just get it over with.

 

Subject: OK so really, here goes

My name really is Joshua.

And I really go by initials in my professional and sometimes personal life.  My name is Joshua Scott Chasez. I go by JC.

Ta daaaaaaa! 

I'm gonna be very embarrassed if you have no clue. I'll send you a picture, right now, if you want.

Joshua
 

His finger hovered over the mouse button. If he pressed 'send', their friendship changed forever. Immediately. He hoped it wouldn't be for the worse. He closed his eyes and pressed send. And then logged out and backed away from the notebook.

For all his big talk, he was the one freaking out. His heart was beating so fast he thought it might be trying to bust its way out of his chest. He was sweating, and he was restless. He couldn't sit there and wait for her response. He went downstairs and tried to get his mind off of his email and to resist the urge to check incessantly for a response.

He watched half of several shows, not paying any attention to anything, until he'd tortured himself long enough and went back upstairs and logged back in.
 

Subject: I'll be honest
 

I totally just had a freak out right here in my apartment. Then I thought you were lying and I felt stupid. Then I looked at your email address and your birthday and unless you're really committed to this lie and have been hanging on to it for almost a year...

Hi. : )

How do you feel? Still nervous?

Shannon

 

Subject: Re: I'll be honest

After all that 'I don't want things to change, and promise you won't freak out and don't fawn' and stuff like that... I totally freaked out.

I logged out and ran downstairs and pretended I wanted to watch TV but I have no idea what I watched so I came back up.

Hi. : )

Thank you for... just being here. You've helped me more than you know, over the last year.

I feel OK, now. Like a load off my back. And I don't feel like a fraud, anymore.

There's some stuff you might find out... because I might tell you. Please keep it to yourself. Promise?

How do you feel? Weird? Anything?


Joshua
 

Subject: Re:Re: I'll be honest
 

You're welcome. It's been my pleasure to be here. You've been here for me, too.

Of course, I wouldn't disclose anything you tell me. I will prove I am trustworthy by being so.

I feel OK. I mean... I'm surprised, but not. In the back of my mind I sort of figured something was up, because you were so secretive. I didn't imagine THAT but... I thought it was something.

You HAVE been to Portland. I've seen you, here. :)

Shannon
 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: I'll be honest
 

Yeah, I know. I just don't remember it much. We didn't really spend a lot of time in each city, when we toured. In, do some interviews, do the show, have a party, pull out.

Can I tell you something else?

Joshua
 

Subject: I don't know

If I can take more news. What?


Shannon

Subject: Re: I don't know
 

I'm really selfish, about you. I shouldn't be, but I am. I don't want to share you. Especially since you know, now. I might be leaning on you even heavier, now. Which, if it gets to be too much, tell me to hire a therapist or something. I mean, really, it's not fair to you and I shouldn't, but you 'get me' and that's hard for me to find.

When you said you had a date, I wasn't concerned with you having a good time. I was worried 'Andy' would take you away from me. I know I didn't cause your bad date but I wasn't too sympathetic when he turned out to be a tool.

If you still want to talk about him, I'm here.

Joshua
 

Subject: I never...
 

.. want to talk about Andy, ever again. Really. That's over. It's going to be awhile before I go out again. When I'd rather sit home and email random guy from LA instead of being out with a handsome guy-- well that's just not fair to the handsome guy.

I appreciate your honesty. And if I may return some... it took me a long time to ask if you dated, because I didn't want to know. I didn't want to think about some girl making demands on your time and making it so we couldn't talk.

I can't deal with that, right now, you now? I need you. I'm kinda selfish about you, too.

Schmaltzy,

Shannon

He smiled a stupid grin and looked around the room to make sure no one could see the stupid grin he was smiling. He heaved a giant sigh of relief and wilted, laying back on the bed.

He felt light as a feather and so different. Today was no deja vu. He'd never lived this day before.