“So, you never told me. How was Miami?”
“I was too busy to tell you about Miami.”
In the middle of the aisle at Kroger, I stopped pushing the cart and turned around. JC bounced to the music crackling from the speakers overhead-- Steppenwolf’s Magic Carpet Ride-- bobbing his head and playing air guitar. “Did you know the album version of this song is twice as long as the single? Like, over 4 minutes. That was epic, in the 70’s, man!”
I bit my bottom lip to keep from laughing. He was just so serious and earnest. “Yes, honey. I, too, can read Wikipedia.” I returned his glare and went back to pushing the cart. “So? Miami. Was it warm?”
“It was warm. Not hot. I had a good time, always do,” he answered, walking behind me. I reached for a large can of pineapple chunks, but he beat me to it and set the can in the cart. “You’re so independent. All you have to do is ask.”
Blushing, I moved further down the aisle. “I know. I’m not used to having someone with me, when I shop. I have to manage on my own. And I can.” I glanced back at him over my shoulder. “Thank you, though.”
“Here, take the list. I’ll push,” he offered, taking over the cart. “Let me know what you need. I will lift it for you.”
I gave him a pat on the back that turned into an appreciative slide up to his shoulders and down his arms. “Okay, big, strong man. So, that’s all you have to say, about Miami?”
“What do you want to hear, about Miami, Serena? What are you getting at?”
“Nothing,” I said, poking him in the side. “I’m just asking. I’m interested in how you spent your New Year’s Eve. That’s all.”
“It was cool. Same thing every year, usually. Low key party, some drinks, whatever. Had a good time. It was just… It was kind of different, though.”
I walked ahead of the cart and turned the corner, down another aisle. He followed diligently. “Different, how?”
“Like…well.” He shrugged, blushed a little, and hesitated for a beat, then decided to just say it. “I’m used to being able to like, hook up. I mean, I usually have the freedom to. This year, I didn’t. And not like I wanted to. I just haven’t had a girlfriend in awhile. It was different.”
I turned halfway around and smiled sweetly, batting my eyelashes. “Sorry to cramp your style, sweetheart. I’m glad you could have fun anyway.”
“Of course, the one year I can’t hook up the girls were unbelievably hot.” I caught half a smile out of the corner of my eye. Walking ahead of him, I bit the inside of my cheek and continued picking out miscellaneous items and setting them in the cart.
“Yeah, the guys in Vail were hot, too. Handsome and rich. And not famous. You want to play this game? Seriously?”
“Well”I mean-- I just”I was gonna say,” he sputtered, hands flailing while leaning over the handle of the cart. ”You know. I’m having more fun right now, though.”
“Uh huh,” I said, checking the list, unable to fight the laughter that wanted to bubble up.
“It was worth a shot.”
“Stop while you’re ahead,” I said, with a slow shake of my head and a sideways glare. “I think we’re about done. I need to make one more stop for libations and then we’ll be done shopping. How good are you at picking out alcohol?”
He gave me that look, the one that said ‘whatever’, and pushed the cart, following me to the check out aisle, where we began emptying the cart onto the conveyor belt. I watched him as the clerk ran each item over the scanner and the dollar amount popped up on the screen. He seemed to be trying to stand behind me, facing the less busy, less full part of the store. The clerk didn’t seem to be much younger or older than either of us, which made the possibility that she would recognize him that much greater. I didn’t really know to think of things like that. It would never occur to me, to think about it”I wasn’t a celebrity.
The clerk bagged our items, setting them in the cart and sending us on our way. When JC turned around to push the cart out, she looked up, into his face, and ever so subtly, winked. He smiled at her, said ‘thank you’, and pushed the cart out of the automatic doors and to the car.
“That was weird,” I remarked as we loaded the bags into the trunk. He shrugged, and responded, “wasn’t that bad.” I let him get in while I pushed the cart to the collection corral, then slipped into the driver’s seat and started the car, pulling out of the space. I was startled by a sharp knock at the window and slammed on the brakes, lurching JC and I forward. A short woman in sweats and sneakers stood just outside my window, gesturing at me to roll it down.
“No, this is weird. Here we go.” I looked at him, questioning, and pressed the button. He sat forward as the window slid down slowly.
“Hi,” she said, and smiled, bending over so she could see into the car, her head practically inside my window. “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to scare you, I thought I recognized the guy you were with and I wanted to ask for an autograph?”
I looked over at JC. He gave her a tight smile, and said, “Sure, one second, ok?” and motioned for me to roll up the window. She stepped away from the car and I pulled back into my spot. “I’m just gonna get out, she’ll probably want a picture, or something. Be right back.”
I watched out of the side view mirror as JC worked his magic with a fan. She was grinning ear to ear as he signed an autograph for her and he posed with her for her camera phone picture. She said something that made him laugh, and then he said “uhm, we gotta get going. Take care, honey.” She thanked him as she backed away, then turned and bounced to her car. I was sure she was walking on air. I know I would be. Hell. I was.
JC slid back into the seat, snapping his seatbelt closed and slipping on a pair of shades. Finally, he turned to me and grinned. “Let’s roll.”
*
JC kept asking me if I was nervous. I didn’t have anything to be nervous about. It was just a little gathering of friends, so people could meet him. I’d been talking about him long enough and everyone was eager to meet him”especially Melissa. Actually, I was a little nervous about Melissa. She tended to make comments on the irreverent side and I had to do a rundown of anything embarrassing I might have revealed about JC. She would surely bring it up.
“Hey, JC, can I ask you something?” I stirred punch, in the last few minutes before people were scheduled to arrive. JC played with the satellite radio tuner, trying to pick a station.
Absentmindedly, he shot over his shoulder, “What’s that, honey?”
“Do your friends know about me?”
“Define ‘know’. What’s with this remote?” I glanced at him, pointing and pressing buttons, face stern with concentration.
“That’s the wrong remote, sweetheart. The other one. I mean ‘know’ as in if you say ‘my girlfriend’ they’ll know who you’re talking about?”
“They’ve been calling you that longer than I have.” Finally deciding on an eclectic adult alternative station, he turned the volume down to a manageable decibel and put the remote back where I kept them, lining them up in order of size. I shook my head at him. He was hilarious to watch. “Why do you want to know?”
“Well, I’m just asking, because… well I want to know if you’ve told them anything about, like, US.”
“Us, like dating, like… our sex life? No. Well…no. Not really.”
“What does no, not really mean?”
He took a seat on the couch, rested an ankle on a knee, and spread his arms along the back of the cushions. He watched me from across the room, mindlessly stirring. “Uhm. Well. I mean. They don’t know specifics. I wouldn’t do that to you. Again I ask, what are you getting at, Serena?”
I stared into the pink fizzy swirl, not daring to look up. “I might have said something to Melissa and I’m afraid it’s going to come up. And I don’t want you to be mad.”
“You might have said something like what? I’m the best you’ve ever had? Something like that? I don’t mind that.” He was being cocky, but he had no idea how close he was to the truth.
“I might have said that. But. I mean. Shit.” I dropped the ladle on the edge of the punch bowl and walked to the living room, plopping down on the ottoman in front of him.
“Here’s the deal,” I started, tucking a hair behind my ear, defensive. “And, I’m sorry because you seem to be a very private person, but… when I first came back to Atlanta, after the first weekend, I never, in a million years, thought this would turn into what it’s turned into and I’m happy with it.” I took a breath, my voice shaking. “But… before Melissa knew who you were, I might have mentioned something about condom size… and I might have said you were really, very good in bed.”
JC lowered his leg and sat forward, bringing his arms in front of him, clasping his hands. I cringed, expecting an angry response, or even worse, disappointed. I hated the disappointed tone.
“You told Melissa…“ His eyebrows rose toward his hairline. “And that I’m really, very good? In bed?”
“JC, I never thought I would ever have to tell her who you were, let alone that you would be meeting her, and if I thought that, I never would have said anything. I wasn’t even going to tell her, but she cornered me.”
He bowed his head, lowering it slowly until his chin rested on his chest, then turned his face away from me. Then he turned back to me, his face slightly pink, but he was smiling. “I swear,” he said quietly, “if she brings that up tonight, I’m taking it out of your ass.” He raised and lowered his brows and softly tapped my thigh. “Be careful, sweetie. I don’t want my love life all over everywhere. My techniques getting out.”
My mouth dropped open, and then closed, and then I laughed, giddy with relief. He wasn’t upset. Or disappointed. “You can take the most tender moment and turn it into something that… I just… whatever, Chasez.”
“Oh, Chasez is back!” The doorbell chimed and I stood to answer it.
“Be good, JC. Serious.”
Annette swept in first, looking svelte and elegant in black. Melissa, a few steps behind her carried a crock pot and a plastic bag on her arm. “Take this, it’s so damn heavy. It’s hot, watch out.”
“Listen to her, like she had to walk it over here. She picked it up, out of the car, and walked ten feet to the door.”
“Annette, hush up. I just want my hands free to hug this hunk of man, over here.” I took the hot, heavy, ceramic pot from Melissa and set it on the kitchen counter. A quick peek under the lid confirmed she had brought her famous cheesy, gooey queso dip and tortilla chips. I plugged the pot in and replaced the lid, hurrying back out to the living room before anyone in the room embarrassed me.
“You must be Annette,” JC was saying, an arm around her shoulder, smiling down at her. She beamed and blushed a pretty pink against her red hair as she wrapped both arms around his waist.
“I am,” she said, gushing. “It’s wonderful to finally meet you. Ooh, Serena he does smell good!”
I leaned against an overstuffed chair and pointed at Melissa. “Why are you telling me? Melissa is the one who can smell him from down the block.”
“And I agree,” she quipped from across the room, serving herself a glass of punch. ”You letting go, anytime soon? I’m totally responsible for them even getting together.” Reluctantly, Annette let go and headed toward the punch bowl.
“Come here, you,” JC said, grinning madly, arms open. Melissa blushed and stepped into them, hugging him tight, patting him on the back. She pulled back and he plopped a noisy, wet kiss on her cheek. She giggled like a teenager”you’d never know her girlfriend was in the next room, loading up on punch and queso dip.
“It’s so, so good to finally meet the man who put a perma-grin on this face,” she said, grabbing my chin. I rolled my eyes and twisted out of her grip, standing next to JC. “Now what is it that you use, because oh my God, don’t you just smell delicious? I’m hungry, smelling your hair.”
“Uhm… yeah, I can’t remember the name of it. I’ll look, next time.” JC slung an arm over my shoulder and bumped me with his hip. He was enjoying this.
“Well, it smells great.” Then, as if she remembered something very important, she snapped her fingers and pointed. “Hey,” she said, her eyes wild and excited. “I just got in this big box of all these different lubricants. Did you want to try some? I have some in the car…”
I stepped out from under his arm and pushed Melissa into the kitchen. “Okay! And that’s where I cut off this really weird conversation!”
“They’re just samples,” she protested, as I pushed. “They’re in these cute little blister packets…”
A short time later my cozy, eclectic, plush furniture pieces were covered with people clutching small plastic cups full of punch, bottles of beer or glasses of whatever they found in the bar to mix, balancing paper plates of mixed nuts and mini sandwiches and chips and dip. Heads bobbed to the rhythm of the music thumping from the surround sound and JC was being a social butterfly, making his way around the room as people introduced themselves to him. Jen’s husband was a musician”he played bass guitar and dabbled in song-writing, so before long the two were deeply involved in a philosophical conversation of music genres.
“Birds of a feather,” said Jen, sliding onto the couch next to me, her plastic cup full. “He is… man, he’s cute. Like, way cuter in person.”
I snickered, leaning close to her. “Okay, you’ve seen him in person, Jen. Remember?”
She blushed, and giggled into her plastic cup, taking a sip. “All I remember is almost passing out, trying to get Lance’s autograph. After he said ‘hi’, in that voice, I’m kind of fuzzy. He sure grew up nice, though.”
“Mmmhmm,” I mumbled, wiggling my fingers at him in the corner with Brian.
“You know Brian is gonna talk his ear off, right?”
I shook my head, giving Jen my sympathetic look. “JC could talk for days. He’s met his match.”
Melissa sauntered to the couch and sat on the other side of me, crossing one leg over the other. She had that look on her face, that look that said she was about to say something that would make me pinch my nose and hang my head and blush in shock and embarrassment.
“He. Is. So. Cute.”
I gave her a wide smile. “Isn’t he? I just adore him.”
“So. You know... Things still going great?”
“Mmhmm,” I said, bobbing my head.
“He looks like he uh, you know, takes care of things. Pretty Well.”
My head cocked back and my eyes shot to the ceiling while Jen shrieked and doubled over in laughter.
“Melissa. Shut up.”
“I’m just saying. You look happy.” She took a swig of beer and nodded once, eyeing me. “And well taken care of. WHAT?”
I got up, leaving the two of them to giggle together. “I’m telling Annette,” I shot over my shoulder.
“She won’t care. She agrees!”
A gust of cool air blew through the room, and loud, male voices could be heard in the hallway. I swung my head around the corner and grinned at the familiar faces of my brothers, already shedding their jackets, smelling of cold air and fried food.
I was quite a bit shorter than my brothers, a fact they found amusing and used to their advantage. Both were tall, over six feet, but Garrett was thin and lanky, and had been balding since his mid 20’s. Chris was built like a linebacker, with a thick neck and wide shoulders and a full head of blonde curls.
“Hey!” I yelled, defending myself with a hand as Garrett came close, arms extended. “I have guests. You guys be good.”
“Nope,” said Garrett, rushing toward me and wrapping his arms around my waist, lifting me easily over his shoulder.
“Asshole!” I shrieked, through giggles. Chris slapped my rear end and said, “Put her down. You’re embarrassing her.”
Gently, he bent and set back me back on my feet. “’Cause you weren’t thinking about doing it.”
“Would have, but you beat me to it. What’s up, kid?” Chris dug his fingers into my curls and tugged, then let go and wandered into the living room, waving at a few friends we had in common. Garrett slung an arm over my shoulder, dragging me along as he followed Chris.
“We’re driving by, right, and see all of these cars sitting outside of your house and we’re wondering why you’re having a party and you didn’t invite us. So we invited ourselves. Why are you having a party?”
“I’m just having a few friends over to meet JC. I thought you guys were at the Thrasher’s game.” Atlanta Hockey was a winter pastime for Garrett and Chris. They almost never missed a game.
“We were. Dropped our buddy off, he lives around the corner, so we drove by, just to see if you were awake. You’re awake, alright. Gimme a beer and show me this guy.”
Cold beers in hand, Chris and Garrett followed me to the corner where JC and Brian were still engrossed in conversation. “Be nice,” I muttered over my shoulder. I heard snickering behind me and sighed, more than a little anxious. I wasn’t really ready to introduce him to members of my family, and I wasn’t sure he was ready to meet them. But, well, they were there and wanted to meet him, and meeting them would be a lot easier than meeting my parents. ‘May as well get it over with,’ I thought.
I sidled up to JC, catching his attention with an arm around his back and a gentle squeeze. He stopped talking and lifted an arm to drop around my shoulders, glancing down at me. I nodded my head to indicate the two men standing behind me. “My brothers want to say hi,” I said, stretching up to speak into his ear. “Sorry, Brian, this will just take a second.”
JC turned, then, and as if in slow motion, raised his head to look each of them in the eye. “Garrett, Chris”this is JC. JC, these are my brothers. Don’t let them scare you. If they’re mean, my mom will get on a chair to slap them if she has to.”
Garrett was the first to speak, extending a hand, letting a warm smile spread across his face. “Good to meet you, finally. If you hurt our sister, you better be able to run fast. That’s all.”
JC didn’t know if he should laugh, but he shook Garrett’s hand and nodded to Chris. “I’ll do my best, I guess,” he stammered. I reached across JC to tap Garrett on the chest. “Knock it off. Seriously. This is why you guys weren’t invited.”
Chris extended a hand to JC, and said, “My wife is a huge fan. She’s gonna hate me when I get home.”
JC shrugged and shook Chris’ hand vigorously. “I… well, hey. Feel free to bring her by. I don’t mind.”
“Really? She’d lose her mind. Every once in awhile one of your songs comes up and I ask who it is and I get a lecture about not knowing who you are. Sorry it just... it doesn’t stick.”
“It’s okay, really,” JC said, holding up both hands. “I haven’t had anything out in awhile, so.” He shrugged, again, and glanced at me. I noticed a few beads of sweat on his forehead”then recognized the glance as a plea for help.
“Okay, you guys have gawked enough. Go say hi to some other people.” I shoo’d them away with a flick of my wrist and they turned to go back to the party.
“I’ll be in touch with Serena, about my wife, if that’s okay,” said Chris. JC nodded, tightlipped, and rubbed his hands together nervously, turning to me.
I winced as I reached out to rub his arm, squeezing his bicep. “Sorry. I didn’t invite them, and they insisted on meeting you.”
“I managed,” he said, relaxing. ”Thank you for rescuing me, though. I just wasn’t ready.”
“Yeah, now you know how I feel, Mister ‘Go have lunch with my brother’. You’re talking up a storm, over here. Can I get you some water, a beer, a drink?”
“Uhm. I think I’ll take a drink. Surprise me with something.” He winked, briefly, and a hint of a smile crossed his lips. He always waited until we were in a room full of people to do something incredibly sexy, leaving me to think and smolder, and contemplate all night.
“Okay,” I said, winking back.” I’ll be right back, then.”
I made my way through the miscellaneous gatherings of people, saying hello’s and how are you’s and finally made it to the bar, where I tried my hand at mixing a drink. I heard the doorbell ring, and from across the room, heard Annette yell that she would answer it. A few minutes later, she weaved through the crowd and came around the bar, a solemn, concerned look on her face.
“Serena,” she said, turning me so I could hear her without her having to yell. “Regina is outside. She looks, you know, fine… but I didn’t let her in. What do you want me to do?”
My mind went blank, completely. I stared into the random grouping of people , just barely hearing Annette call my name a few times and just didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t seen or heard or spoken to her in months, and tonight, of all nights, when friends and family and my boyfriend were all in the same room, she chose to show up. This could, potentially, be trouble. Chris stepped into my line of sight, and recognizing the look on my face, tapped Garrett and wove a path through the crowd of people to the bar.
“What’s up? Serena,” Chris demanded, snapping his fingers in my face. “What?”
“Regina is at the door,” Annette volunteered.
Both men gasped and stood up straight. “You want us to get rid of her?”
“What are you gonna do, kick her ass?” I snapped. “Fuck, I do not need this, right now.” I ran my fingers through my hair, shaking, and paced behind the bar. Melissa showed up next to Chris, saw that I was upset and waved JC over to all of us.
“I guess I’ll just go talk to her,” I said, making my way around the bar.
JC grabbed my arm as I passed him, cupping my chin and forcing my head up. His eyes were dark, his brows knit together and his forehead creased with concern. “You want me to go with you?”
“Uh. JC. Man.” Chris walked behind him, gave him a pat on the back and left an arm around his shoulder. “Appreciate it, really but... we know kind of… how to handle Regina.”
“Oh. Oh, sorry, yeah, of course,” JC said, backing off.
“I mean, I’m not trying to be an asshole. I know you just want to help, just. Sometimes she gets a little out of control…”
“No, man. It’s… it’s fine. Just… whatever you have to do.”
I backed away from the group, my brothers behind me, catching JC’s eye as I went. He looked like he felt out of place and useless, wanting to be there for me but pushed out. And he looked like he didn’t like that feeling. Melissa hooked an arm in his elbow and led him back to the bar, where she finished his drink.
Chris, Garrett and I walked to the front door and stepped outside, the air cool, but blessedly not cold. On the porch stood a thin, frail woman, shorter than I was. She was turned around, her back to us, and I recognized her long curly hair, which looked like it had been taken care of. Normally it was a rat’s next and unkempt. She turned, hearing the door open, and I was surprised at her appearance. I was used to seeing Regina look like she’d slept on the sidewalk all night”dirty and rough and looking for a fix. Tonight she was clean, her eyes clear and bright, from what I could see. Dressed well, not in tattered and stained clothing.
“Sweetheart,” she gushed, her face-- a face that was pretty much my own face-- breaking into a smile that was not unlike my own. It was uncanny how much I looked like her”everyone remarked on it.
“Hey, Regina,” I said, cautious. She’d played the ‘I Got Clean’ card before and ended up scratching Chris when she lashed out. I didn’t trust this act. “Where have you been?”
“Getting clean,” she squeaked, her grin bright as daylight. “In Rehab. Don’t I look good?”
Suspicious, my eyes narrowed. “How did you get into rehab, Regina? Who paid for it?”
She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin. “Don’t worry about how I got in or who paid. It wasn’t you. That’s all I care about,” she said.
I crossed my arms, reminding myself that I’d been down this trail before. “So what are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. To say hi. I didn’t realize you would be having a party. You didn’t say anything about the way I look. Don’t I look good?” She turned, seeming so proud of herself. “I’m not alone. I have a chaperone.”
She nodded to someone behind her and smiled slightly. I glanced around her to see a hardy woman in jeans and a t-shirt with some sort of logo on the breast pocket and a white hat with a logo that matched. Regina’s chaperone nodded and waved, her expression making it apparent that she was bored.
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Yeah, honey I’m real proud of you. I need you to stay this way, okay?”
“I’ll try. I’m trying…” Her chin trembled, and she got the same dimple under her bottom lip that I got when I was trying not to cry. “I want you to be proud of me. I want you to be proud to know me and… I want you to think of me as your mom. I am your mother, Serena. You can’t run away from that.”
“I’m not trying to, Regina. You adopted me out. I was raised by a regular family while you were out running around shooting up and snorting things.”
“I didn’t want to,” she insisted, bewildered, arms flailing. I stepped back, my brothers inched forward. “I wanted to keep my baby girl. I just, I couldn’t. I couldn’t take care of you. I wanted you taken care of, but I didn’t want to give you up. I wanted to be your mother. Don’t you understand, why I never went away, and I always showed up at the school? You played in the band. I was at your high school graduation. Bet you didn’t know that.”
I huffed, and tossed up my hands. Unbelievable. Of course I knew that! “You were the one who wouldn’t stop yelling ‘that’s my daughter, up there’. You had to be removed from the auditorium!” Regina paused, deflated, and shoved her hands in the pockets of what looked like new jeans. “Look, I don’t know why you’re here, if it’s just to show off the clean and new and improved you, that’s wonderful. I’m very proud of you. If you’re looking for money or a place to stay, I can’t help you. I’m tapped out.”
“I don’t want anything from you. I don’t blame you for thinking I do, though. I just wanted to see your face.” She sniffled, and then squared her shoulders again, standing strong.
“I won’t keep you, I… just wanted to see my baby girl and tell you I’m working on being someone you can be proud of.” A solitary tear slid down her cheek. I was used to her crying, but I was used to tears carving a clean path down a dirty cheek and being disgusted that she could walk around that filthy. This time, I was more impressed that she was actually clean, her skin clear.
“I’m working on fixing me, all by myself, without your money and without you taking care of me. I’m gonna get clean and get a job and pay you back and make you proud to call me your mom. That’s all I want.”
This woman was slowly breaking my heart. Wearing me down. I had done so well, over the past few months, distancing myself from her, and yet when I got ten feet from her, I wanted to break down and take care of her and make her okay. Except I couldn’t. All I could do was stand on that step, a cool breeze gently blowing between us, a friendly standoff of sorts, and try to figure out if this was real, or if this was another of her tricks.
“Regina, you should do those things for you,” I said softly, leaning in to her. “But I’m proud of you for taking this step, however you got to it. I want you to do well. I do. But if you relapse”“ I hesitated. I hated to bring down the hammer on her, after enabling her for so long. I just didn’t know how long I could keep being a soft place to land, for her. Maybe she just really needed to hit rock bottom.
I started again, steel in my resolve. “If you relapse, don’t come here again. Don’t call me again, don’t contact me again. You know as well as I do, we have been down this path before. I can’t keep having hope for you and feeling like I’m wasting my time.”
She was nodding, in full agreement. “I know. I understand, I’ve burnt this bridge before, and I can’t keep rebuilding it. But Serena I’m doing good work. I’m doing really good right now. I just wanted you to know.”
Sometimes I looked at this frail fragile shell of a woman and couldn’t believe I was related to her. Other times I looked at her and saw myself”and those times often made me angry and try to be the opposite of her. I saw so much of myself, standing in front of me.
“Thanks for letting me know,” I said, unfolding my arms. I hadn’t hugged her in years, but for some reason I wanted to. I didn’t know if she would accept one, or be too nervous, but the worst she could do was push me away, which I wasn’t afraid of. I opened my arms and stepped to her. Her eyes brightened, and opened wide, and she gasped and closed the space between us, throwing her arms around me. In a few seconds she was openly sobbing and I had my arms around her shoulders. I gave her an occasional pat on the back as she cried. I could imagine she had a lot to get out.
She sniffled, wiped at her face with her hands and stepped back. “Serena,” she said, hiccupping. We even cried the same. “You don’t have to say yes, but… would you meet me, Tuesday night? There are some things I need to tell you. Could we meet and talk? It’s been a long time since we could talk.”
My mind raced, quickly, trying to decide if I could come up with something very important to take care of. I felt bad, though, and of course as was my nature, I nodded. Yes, I would meet her. Briefly. I wished, at that moment, that JC could stay.
“Where are you staying?” I asked, weary, not sure this was a good idea, but how could I refuse her? I should have. I just… couldn’t. “I’ll come to you.”
Regina turned to her chaperone, who was digging a piece of paper out of her pocket. “Econo-suites, I think,” she offered, handing me the piece of paper. I checked the address and confirmed.
“Seven. I’ll meet you in front of the hotel. Can we meet without your chaperone?”
Again, Regina deferred to her. That was getting annoying. Her chaperone shrugged. “I’m just here to make sure she don’t get high or nothing,” she said chewing gum and looking bored.
“I’ll pick her up at seven and drop her back around nine or so.” I rubbed Regina’s shoulder, told her I’d see her in a few days and turned to walk back into the house. It worked best for me if I could do the walking away. Chris and Garrett always made sure she didn’t come after me.
The door closed heavily behind me, and in my tunnel vision, I headed for my office. I just wanted to be alone. A hand snaked around my waist and I felt the familiar tickle of stubble brush across my cheek.
“Hey?” JC pulled me toward him as he made his way down the hall, to my office, kicking the door open and shoving me in. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it. “You alright?”
“No,” I answered simply, plainly. “I’m not. She just… you know… this is a Regina thing.” I paced the small room, arms crossed when my hands weren’t running through my hair.
“Showing up, out of the blue?”
I nodded, stopping at the window and peeking through the blinds into the backyard. I watched JC’s reflection in the window cross the room and come behind me, enveloping me in strong arms and a spicy scent and the feeling of comfort. I sank against him, leaning my head back.
“I wish I could quit her,” I quipped. He chuckled, lightly, the sound coming through his chest to my ears. “She looked good, though. She said she’s been in rehab. We’ll see how long this stint lasts.”
Warm hands slid down each arm until he was holding my hands, winding his fingers around mine. He tipped his head until his lips touched my cheek. “Do you have to do that? Do you have to be negative about it? Maybe it’ll work out this time.”
“I’m just so tired of being hopeful, JC. You just… you don’t know.”
“I don’t. You’re right. Just. She needs your support, if she really is getting clean. Don’t you think? I’m not trying to be pushy”“
“Sure you are. You always are.” I turned around, burying my head in the small concave in his chest, sliding my hands around his waist. “I know what you’re saying, though. I’ll try.”
“Good girl,” he mumbled, brushing his lips against my forehead. “We should maybe get back to the party?”
I breathed in, deeply, and blew a breath out, enjoying being close to him to the very last second. “I guess,” I said, then, pulling back, tipping my head up. He bent slightly to peck my lips softly and stepped back, heading for the door.
“I think I’d like a drink,” I said, tired, suddenly wishing everyone would go home.
He pointed toward an overstuffed chair and gently directed me toward it. “Have a seat. I’ll get you something.”
Somehow, over the span of the next few hours, exactly how many drinks I had became unclear. I felt warm and loose and fuzzy. I was aware that I was loud, but I kind of thought everyone was. I was having fun. I was going to forget Regina and the inevitable guilt and the lingering thoughts and the whole situation. It was a party, and I was going to have a good time.
The party had dwindled to just a few”Melissa and Annette, my brothers, JC and I, and Jen and Brian. I paced the room, restless and ranting to Garrett and Chris, about the very thing I was trying to forget.
“She keeps calling herself my mother. That’s not true. She’s not.”
“Well she is but she isn’t…”
“She isn’t,” I seethed. “Is. Not. My mom is YOUR mom.” I pointed at Garrett, almost stabbing him with my fingernail, poking his chest. He grabbed my finger and bent it back, gently, pushing me away.
“Quit poking me. You know what I mean.”
“My mom’s name is DONNA WILLIS. Your mom is my mom. She was my mom before she was your mom. SO. There.” I weaved, lightheaded. “What was I saying?”
“Your mom is my mom. Yeah. Come sit down.”
“I don’t want to sit down.”
Melissa and JC whispered to each other, strange looks on their faces. “What? What secrets are you telling him? Are you telling him how scared I am that this shit is just too much for him? He doesn’t even know the half of it, does he?” I giggled, not even knowing what I was trying to say, or what was coming out of my mouth.
Everyone was standing, stretching, gathering jackets and dropping cans and bottles and glasses in the kitchen. I was relieved, actually, to see the last of the guests file out of the door, waving goodbyes. Melissa whispered something to JC as she hugged him goodbye. In return he said, “I got it. I’ll take care of her.” The front door closed and the house was quiet except for the music still thumping from the speakers.
“Let’s go have drunk sex,” I said, stumbling toward the stairs, grabbing his hand and pulling him behind me.
He stepped into the living room to pick up the remote and turn the music off, returning the remote to where he found it, lined up neatly with the others. “No drunk sex, honey.”
“No?” I climbed, slowly, feeling every pound of my body weight, the higher I climbed.
“No. Go on up. I’m gonna grab you some water, or you’ll feel like shit tomorrow.” I slowly climbed the rest of the stairs and weaved to the bedroom, falling into the chair in the corner, suddenly very, very tired. I didn’t move until JC came up, wielding several bottles of water and a bottle of aspirin.
“You need to drink one of these,” he said, handing a bottle to me. I glared at him, as best I could. “Take it, drink it.”
I took the bottle from him and twisted the cap off, tossing it over my shoulder. “You’re so bossy.”
“You like it.” He bent to unfasten the buckles on my shoes, slipping them off of my feet and setting them in their spot in the closet.
“Fucking love it. You’re so fucking sexy when you’re bossy.” I sucked down a few long swallows of ice cold water, savoring how good it felt on my throat. “I love you, you know that? That’s why I’m scared. Because it always happens.”
He held out a hand to me, helped me out of the chair and to the bed. I sat on the edge of the bed and began peeling off clothes and handing them to him until I was naked, then flopped back onto the bed. The duvet cover was cool to the touch. It felt good. I was so hot”beads of sweat were popping up on my forehead, soaking my hairline. JC dumped my pile of clothing into the hamper in the closet and pulled his t-shirt off, dropping it onto his open suitcase. Next went his jeans and socks, until he was in his black boxer-briefs. He tossed my night shirt at me and pulled the covers back, waiting for me to roll out of the way so we could get into the bed.
“What always happens, sweetie?”
I slipped the shirt over my head, pulling my arms through and the shirt down, and then sitting up so I could crawl between the cool sheets behind JC. “I love someone and they go away and leave me and I try to make them stay and they don’t. It always happens.”
I settled between the sheets in the crook of JC’s arm, facing him, his stubble prickling my forehead as he leaned down to kiss it before reaching over to snap off the lamp. I felt myself fading pretty quickly, my head fuzzy, words coming out of my mouth that I wasn’t aware of.
“What are you talking about, Serena?”
“Regina. I used to love her. When I was little. And I would try to make her stay. But she always had to go and then she would stay gone for a long time. And then I stopped loving her.”
“You didn’t stop loving her. You still love her. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be all messed up, right now.”
I shrugged in response and snuggled closer, feeling his chest rise and fall with his breathing, my eyes sliding closed. “She wants to meet, Tuesday. I wish you could stay till Wednesday.”
“I would try but I already put some stuff off until Wednesday so I could come.” A hand slid down my arm, then under it to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “But maybe Melissa or Annette or your brothers could go with you.”
“They didn’t mean to cut you out, JC.”
“I know. Sleep, honey. Tomorrow is gonna be a long day for you.”
Choking. I was choking on a ball of cotton. Or maybe not. I couldn’t breathe or swallow and my head hurt so bad. Everything hurt. The sunlight hurt. I groaned and slid down in the bed and covered my head with the sheet and duvet cover.
“I thought I heard you moaning up here.” I felt the cover lift and JC’s head appeared in the opening. “Morning, sweetheart. How do you feel?”
“Ohhh my God.” I didn’t even recognize my own voice.
“Sounds like you feel like shit,” he said, having the courtesy to speak softly.
“Working my way up to shit,” I moaned and crawled out from under the covers, blinking against the brightness of the room, my voice still thick and low and gravelly.
“Here,” JC said, handing me a mug of coffee and two tablets. Against the vehement protest of my head, I sat up and took the pills and sipped on hot, fresh coffee. The TV was on, the usual Sunday airing of Meet the Press. I tried but failed to focus on the images on the screen. They just looked like blurry, nonsensical images and the screen seemed to pulse in rhythm to the throbbing in my head.
I felt sick, and for good measure stopped drinking the coffee and reached for the half empty bottle of water from the night before, sucking down the rest of it. That helped the cotton-mouth feeling a little. Didn’t help with the creeping embarrassment as the night started to come back to memory.
“What was I drinking? I don’t remember…”
“Uhm. Something with vodka. I don’t know what else you had but I know whatever you had like, five or six of had vodka in it.”
“Five or six? God, I never drink that much. I’m not a drinker.” I laid back down so the pain in my head could subside. “New rule,” I grumbled. “I’m not allowed to have anymore of whatever that was.”
“M’kay, honey.”
“Did I embarrass you, last night? I’m feeling like I did. I can’t really remember but I feel like I did.”
“Me? No. Rest up. Have some more water.” A heavy hand rubbed my back, up and down, then around and around and then up and down again. So soothing.
“Sleep. More sleep,” I mumbled, drifting off again. Somewhere between painful awake and blissful sleep I remembered that I’d told him I loved him.
Some time much later I sat up, and looked around. The room was dark and cool and I was alone. I felt like I had been run over by a truck, but the headache was gone. I pulled the covers back and slipped out of bed, walking in the dark to the bathroom, peeled off my nightshirt and jumped into a shower, letting the strong spray beat on my back and soothe away the minor aches and pains.
So this was twice I had let my drinking get out of control, around him. It wasn’t that I felt safe enough to do that around him”it would be one thing if that’s what it was. But it wasn’t. I always found a reason or a need to hide something from someone and one of the traits I picked up from Regina was to hide by drinking. That was why it bothered me so much when people compared me to her and said I was just like her. I was more like her than I really wanted to be.
I remembered, again, my drunken declaration of love and I wilted against the cool tile wall, tears welling up. Why was I trying to kill this before it even got good? I had been trying, so hard, to not say it, not freak him out, let it be easy and casual and fun and the second I get some alcohol and let my inhibitions down, I let it spill out. Not even sober, not even in the loving, romantic way I’d sort of planned in my head. All drunken and slurring, sprawled in a chair while he was taking my shoes off.
Maybe he didn’t hear it. Or didn’t take it seriously, because I was drunk. Maybe if I pretended I didn’t say it, he wouldn’t bring it up. Yeah, and maybe I was crazy. Nothing got past him. He would bring it up, eventually.
“Serena?” His voice startled me and I jumped. I poked my head around the shower door to find JC’s head peeking around the bathroom door. “You alright in here? Drowning? Need saving?”
Amused, I smiled. “No, I’m just fine. I’ll be out in a little bit, okay?”
“Alright. Just yell if you need help.” I heard the door close and sighed, finished my shower and stepped out, toweled off and ambled into the bedroom, naked.
“Now that’s what I’m talking about.” JC lounged on the bed, in a simple t-shirt and track pants, legs crossed at the ankles, hands folded under his head. The remote rested on his chest and he was propped against a mountain of pillows.
I smirked at him and took my usual seat at the vanity to apply lotion. “Hi, how are you? I’m sorry I slept all day.”
“It’s okay, as long as you feel better. Do you?” I nodded slowly, squeezing some lotion into my hands and spreading it between them before starting at my feet and rubbing it in. “Can I do that for you?”
I blinked, all bent over my body to reach my feet and lower legs. My eyes lifted to him. “Put lotion on?”
“Yeah. Why not. Come over here.” He sat up and scooted over, patting the mattress next to him.
‘Why not, indeed,’ I thought, then picked up the bottle of lotion and joined him on the bed. “Just not too much. I don’t want to be an oil slick.” I turned onto my stomach and laid my head down, closing my eyes. I felt my hair being brushed aside and out of the way.
Slowly, methodically, body part by precious body part, he rubbed the lotion into my skin, massaging as he went, his large, heavy hands on my neck and shoulders, his thumbs digging into the small of my back, sliding over the rise of each cheek, down the backs of my thighs and calves. He turned me over and his hands rubbed away tension from my limbs, my chest, my stomach, thighs, legs and feet. I was so relaxed by the time he was done I could have rolled over and gone back to sleep.
When he was done, I thanked him with a kiss, took the bottle and set it back on my dresser.
“What’s your favorite color?” I pulled a drawer open and a multicolored pile almost popped out of the opening, the drawer overstuffed with clothing.
“Grey,” he shot out, without even thinking.
“Ok…What’s your other favorite color?”
“Uhm. I dunno. Pink.”
“Pink it is.” I found a slinky pink nightgown that came to mid thigh, put it on, and then and crawled back up on the bed, laying down next to him, smelling of my lotion, now.
“You feeling okay?”
“Mmmhmmm,” I said, nodding, getting comfortable. “Why?”
His head rolled to the side, his eyes fixed on my face, though I chose not to look at him. “You seem different. Talk to me.”
“I’m okay. I’m just, you know. I’m embarrassed about last night.”
“Well, you got a little loose, yeah. But around friends and family, so not that bad.”
“I guess. I don’t think I would have done that if Regina hadn’t come by. She just throws me off, so bad. And I try to forget her, and can’t, and…” I paused, with a shrug. “I feel so weak, where she’s concerned. I was so strong, for so long and then one look at her and I feel like I just crumbled. In front of you. I didn’t want to do that. I don’t want to be whiny, crying girlfriend full of weakness.”
He rolled to his side, propped onto an arm. I still wasn’t looking at him. “You’re not whiny, crying girlfriend full of weakness. You’re plenty strong. You’re just human. Look, last night was… weird. It totally threw me for a loop but I understand. I keep saying it-- I don’t know how I’d handle it if it were me, in your situation.”
My eyes caught the ceiling fan, spinning around and around. “You’d just handle it. Because you have to. You just do what you have to do and then later either congratulate yourself or yell at yourself. Or both.”
JC reached over to cup my face, turning my head so I could see him, then tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. I knew by the look in his eye that he heard me, and he must have seen that I remembered saying it. I closed my eyes and turned my head away from him.
“It didn’t come out like I wanted it to. Like I planned on saying it.”
“I figured that,” he said, leaning to brush his lip against my shoulder. “It was nice to hear, anyway. I want you to wait, though. Before you say it again. Make sure you mean it and that you say it like you want to say it.”
In a way, I felt relieved to clear it up”he heard it, he knew I knew he heard it, he didn’t want to hear it again until I wasn’t drunk or in deep remorse over letting it slip. Another part of me was kind of sad he didn’t take any opportunity to say ‘I love you, too’. Did that mean he didn’t? I mean, was I letting myself get close to him, and he wasn’t even going to let himself feel anything real for me? Maybe he wanted to say it but couldn’t. And maybe he just didn’t. But maybe he wanted to.
“JC.” I mumbled his name, so quietly even I could barely hear myself. He caught it, though, and his eyes moved from the TV to my face, eyebrows raised in question. “Make love to me? Slow. Not… like usual. I need it slow. Please?”
In moments the TV was off, the lights were dimmed, and he was so close to me and coming closer, and closer. I breathed in the scent of him, reveled in the touch and the feel of him, the very careful and gentle and sensual way he took care of me, clasped his hands with mine and slowly, very slowly, moved me to a place I wanted to be. Needed to be. I felt comfortable and at home and safe, with him. I needed that.
We didn’t go to sleep, after. Not right away. We had a little to eat, watched a little TV, laughed a little, talked a little, but I felt a shift between us. The difference was unexplainable, but it was there. Not in a bad way. It was good, very good. But it was there.
