I have so many emotions running through me right now; I don’t know which one to cling too.
I know I’m angry.
So angry.
Angry at him for being gone three hours and not calling me, angry at god for letting this happen to him, angry at myself for forgetting the spaghetti sauce and letting him go to the store in my place, angry at that guy that ran that red light, angry that this could be my last memory of him, angry that I only got six years being his wife, angry because he promised me forever and forever may not come.
I know I’m sad.
I’m sad I may not ever get to look into my husbands eyes again, sad that I had to be the one to call his mother and tell her that her only son may not make it through the night, sad that it took this happening to bring four people back into his life other than the occasional run in to each other, I’m sad that I may not be able to hear his beautiful voice again.
I’m so used to being in control. When there’s a problem I won’t stop until I can find a solution. But I have no solution to this. All I can do is just sit here and hold his hand, talk to him, sleep beside him like I’ve done for the past six years, tell him I love him though I’m not sure he can even hear, and just wait. Wait for whatever fate decides to deal us.
I don’t know which emotion to cling too. I’m grasping at straws here. I know he wouldn’t want me to be angry. I also know he wouldn’t want me to be sad. I don’t know how I should feel. I’m feeling them all at one time. And I feel like I could combust at any given moment.
Even when he’s fighting for life, and his face is all banged up, he still manages to look like my Justin. The man that I’ve known and been in love with all my life.
It’s been three days and there’s barely been any change. We thought we lost him three times last night. Three times I saw that line decline and heard that deafening beep and I thought that was it each time. Three times I felt his hand go limp in mine. Three times I was pushed aside and watched doctors and nurses work frantically to save my husband.
“Beth?” I hear someone call from his ICU door.
I look up from where my head was resting on his bed and saw Lynn standing outside the door.
God I feel so selfish right now. I’m keeping her away from time that is so precious with her son. He can only have one visitor at a time and I shamefully admit that I’ve hogged almost all that time these past three days.
“Hey Lynn.” I say as I wipe at the tears forming in my eyes.
“How you holding up there, honey?” She asked as she came and stood behind me gently rubbing my shoulders.
Justin used to do that.
Letting the tears fall freely now I said, “Not so good.” I looked up at her, “I’m so sorry. I have been so selfish. I haven’t even thought about other people and how they may feel. But I just can’t bring myself to leave him.” I said as I grabbed his hand again and held it in mine. Lynn sat on the arm of the chair I was sitting in wrapped her arms around me, “Don’t be sorry honey. He’s your husband. I haven’t been in here much by my own choice. It’s very hard sitting in here while I watch my son laying there helpless.” She said as her voice broke on the end.
“I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t know how to feel or that I even can. I feel so out of control.”
We were silent for a moment before Lynn spoke up, “Would you mind if I sat with him for a while?”
How could I deny her that request?
“I don’t mind at all. I could use some fresh air. Will you come get me if anything changes?”
“You’ll be the first I look for.”
“OK.” I said as I looked over at my husband. Tears again began to well in my eyes. I stood up and bent down to be closer to him. I ran my fingers through his curls that had slightly grown out, “I’ll be back soon. I-I love you. So much.” I said as the tears began to fall again. Before I could convince myself to back out of leaving him I placed a kiss on his forehead and quickly walked out of the room closing the door lightly behind me.
I leaned back against it and slowly slid down to the floor as I held my head in my hands and cried. He should be walking out of this room with me. This should be someone else in that hospital bed with someone else’s wife about to lose what little bit of sanity she has left.
Breathing air outside his room should have been refreshing but it wasn’t.
“Beth?”
I lifted my head at the sound of my name being called and was greeted by a face that I hadn’t seen in a long time, “Josh.” I said smiling through the tears that were still falling. I wiped at them and began to stand up, “It’s been a while. I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”
He shook his head and pulled me into a hug, “Don’t apologize. There’s nothing to be sorry about. You look beautiful like always.”
“And you’re still a liar, like always.” I said as rested my head on his chest and squeezed him a little tighter. “How’ve you been?”
“Well, pretty good until now. How’s he holding up?” He asked as we pulled away.
“Well, um-“I choked up a little but cleared my throat and continued, “No change really. His doctor said he’s still very critical. I’m sure you heard that he crashed three times last night.”
He sighed, “Yeah, we’ve been pulling waiting room shifts. Chris was here last night when it happened. Trace hasn’t left yet. Neither have Lynn and Paul.”
I pushed my hand through my hair, “God I feel so horrible. I should…”
“Beth, stop. No apologizing. You’ve been right where you’re supposed to be. Beside your husband.” JC interjected.
“So who all’s been here?” I asked.
“Chris and I got here the night he was brought in. Joey and Lance got here yesterday. And of course you know your mom, Lynn, Paul, Trace, Randy and Lisa were all here when you arrived.”
“Looks like the gangs all here.” I said smiling faintly as slid my hands in the pocket of my hoodie.
It was times like these that I was really grateful that Justin and I made the decision to move back to Memphis two years ago. It was where both are families were, where we were the happiest, and where Justin could be Justin without a camera in his face 24/7. And when things like this happened our parents didn’t have to wait 5 hours plus to get to us from an airplane.
“So for the sake of asking a really dumb question, how are you?” He asked as he wrapped an arm around me as we began to walk toward the waiting room.
“I’m not going to lie. I’m not doing well at all, but I’m here.”
“Do you need anything?”
I groaned as the million things that needed to be dealt with rushed to the front of my brain, “God, I don’t even want to think of things that need to be done.” I said as we entered into the waiting room. Everyone’s head instantly turned our way and as if on cue they all stood up.
I smiled the best smile I could muster at the moment, “Hi.”
The first person to reach me was my momma. “Honey…” was all she could say through her own tears as she hugged me, “Do you need anything? What can I do?”
For the first time in three days tears weren’t falling. Maybe I had cried them all out.
There was one thing I knew that I needed. And that was a shower. But I wasn’t sure I could risk going back to the house. One because to me that was just too far to go right now and two I knew I would lose it.
“I could use some new clothes.” I said.
“I’m on it.” My mom said as she grabbed me into a hug and kissed my cheek. “I’ll be back in a bit. I love you.”
“I love you too momma.” I said as I slowly let go of her hand as she began to walk away.
Paul was the next person to catch my attention, “How’re they doing?”
By them I knew he meant Lynn and Justin, “No change and I think Lynn’s alright.”
He pulled me into a hug, “How’re you?”
“Do you want a beautiful lie or the ugly truth?” I asked into his chest.
“Truth.”
“Not so good.” I said as my voice began to break, “But I’m trying.”
“That’s all anyone expects, baby. You don’t have to put up a front.”
And the next 25 minutes were spent getting caught up with everyone until my stomach took control of all my senses.
Just as my stomach growled Trace walked up to me, “Are you hungry? I know that hospital food they’ve been giving you has got to be gross.”
Trace. The light in the storm. Over the many years that the three of us have known each other Trace has been the person to just have this strange calming ability.
“I could probably eat a whole horse.”
JC stood beside Trace and said, “How about we take a trip down to the cafeteria. Joe said they had a pretty good looking salad bar.”
“I could go for that.”
Trace smiled and grabbed my hand, “Then it’s my treat.”
**
We all made a date of it. The rest of the guys took our lead and we ate despite the depressing air that was hanging over us all.
Despite what the media wrote about their break up it was never as dramatic as they made it out to be. They didn’t look at Justin as the bad guy. And they didn’t blame him. How could they? He had such a surprising good reception with his solo stuff. If it were any one of them they knew that Justin would be just as happy for them as they were for him. What the media saw as drama was really just an equal sadness over what they had all known for so long was finally coming to an end. But the brotherhood would always be there, and the past three days have proved that.
Justin would be so proud to know that they were all four here. I placed my head in my hand and rested my elbow on the table as watched the guys and Trace interact with each other. Each catching up on the other’s lives. It was like they never missed a beat. Just one thing was missing…
**
“Mrs. Timberlake?” I heard a male voice call from the doorway. I recognized it as his doctor. Dr. Morgan is his name.
I don’t think we could have been any luckier to have got that man as his doctor. He was nice and understanding answered every question that I had no matter how many times I asked it a day.
I pulled my head up from my resting place on his bed, “Yes?”
“Do you mind following me to the consult room? I have some things that I need to discuss with you that the rest of your family may need to hear.”
Tears began to fight their way to the brim again. I’m going to be strong. I’ve got to have faith. He’s beaten the odds so many times. He can do it one more time. I know he can.
He didn’t have a good night last night either. He crashed twice sometime in the early morning.
Time is beginning to feel all the same to me. I haven’t slept in so long. I’m afraid the moment I let myself relax is going to be the moment my whole world is going to turn upside down.
I’m clinging to anything I can. I just can’t face the fact that the worst could happen. I refuse to accept it.
Trying to hide the tears from my voice I smiled the best smile I could and nodded my head, “Sure. Can I just have a moment?”
“Sure. I’ll have a nurse direct you to the consult room. Take all you need.” He said backed with a reassuring smile.
He backed out of the room and let the door close gently behind him.
I began to pace back and forth in front of his bed with my hands over my face.
I’m beginning to lose my grip. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to this. If this is bad news that he has to deliver, how can I let go?
I stopped at the foot of his bed and began to sob into my hands.
I’ve got to get a grip. I walked over to the sink and for the first time in three days I saw what I looked like to the outside world.
I splashed some warm water on my face, and patted it dry with a paper towel.
Taking a deep breath I walked toward the door of his room, and stepped out.
Whether or not I was ready to face this, I knew I had too. There’s just no prolonging the inevitable.
**
I stepped inside the consult room where Trace, Lynn, Paul, Lisa and Randy were waiting. I gave them the best smile I could and probably lingered a little too long in the doorway. Fighting the urge to run out of this dreary room, I stepped further into it and toward the empty seat beside Trace. As I sat down Dr. Morgan cleared his throat and placed his hands together on top of the long table we all sat around.
“Now that we’re all here, I’d like to discuss Justin’s condition.” He silenced for a moment to give everyone the opportunity to interject then continued, “To be honest his condition isn’t getting better. In fact it’s gradually getting worse. He sustained some internal injuries as well as some severe head trauma. It’s never easy to deliver news of this nature, but I think it’s best that you start to make some final arrangements.”
My breath caught in my throat, and I gripped the seat I was in. I could hear the uncontrolled sobs of Lynn, and it took all I had to control my own.
Trace pulled me close to him as he cleared his throat to find his voice, “Is there reason to believe that he could pull through this?”
“If we could keep him stable long enough to do surgery it might raise his odds. But given his current state if we operate it would just make things worse. The injury he received to the head right now is inoperable. We ran some tests and it shows there’s no brain activity, and his body is beginning to slowly shut down.”
“But he’s stable now. Can’t you operate now?” I asked with a little too much edge to my voice.
He solemnly shook his head, “His pulse rate is below the level that we need him at to operate. His body wouldn’t be able to handle it, and we could lose him before we even begin.”
I tried to hold back the tears, “Isn’t there something you could do? Please. There has to be some other way.”
He reached across the table to grab my hand comfortingly as Trace began to rub my back, “I’m sorry Mrs. Timberlake. But we’ve done all we can.”
Randy cleared his throat, “How much time do we have?”
“I can’t answer that. It could be any time now. It’s now just a wait-and-see process.” He said. He squeezed my hand in reassurance and looked directly at me, “Did you and Justin ever discuss what his wishes would be in a situation like this?”
“Um, w-we talked about it once before.” I said biting on my lip trying to keep my composure and my tears at bay.
“Do you remember what he said?”
A few tears escaped as I looked off to the other side of the room and tried to keep myself breathing. I finally turned back to him, “He said that if it came down to a machine keeping him alive that he didn’t want that.”
It was then that I saw the papers that he had sitting in front of him on the table, “I know this is hard. And I wish I could change this for you. But I’m going to need you to sign these. We want to keep in mind what he would want in this event.” He said as he let go of my hand and grabbed the papers and slid them slowly to me.
“What are those?”
I know what these are. I guess I just need conformation.
“These are papers to sign to take him off of life support. Given that you’re his spouse and he’s not able to sign these we need your signature. So we can legally carry out his wishes.”
I officially can’t breathe.
My signature?
I don’t know if I can do that.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough.
“I-I’m…” I looked over at Lynn for some sort of comfort and support. But all I saw was the pain that she was feeling. How could I do this? I looked at her with grief written all over my face as I stood up, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” I said as I walked frantically out of that room.
I was suffocating in there. I need to get out of here. I can’t stay in here.
I need to scream, I need to hit something.
Why?
Why did this have to happen to us? We have so much left to accomplish together.
I reached the elevator and pressed the down button frantically as the tears kept pouring down my face. I need a fast get away before I lose my mind in front of all these people. I dodged for the door to the staircase and began to make my decent down them.
“Beth?” I heard someone call out my name behind me. But I kept my focus on my destination.
“Beth!”
I’ve got to get out of here.
“Beth!”
But I finally gave up and stopped on the third flight of stairs and collapsed on the top stair in a ball of tears.
“Honey, oh honey.” Trace said as he grabbed me up into a hug and rocked me back and forth.
I held on to his shirt with all my might as I screamed out my tears into his chest.
“Ssh, Ssh. It’s ok. It’s going to be ok.”
“I can’t do it, Trace.” I yelled between sobs. “I can’t.”
He sat there silent listening to my cries and rubbing my back in comforting circles.
“Why? This can’t be happening. He had so much planned, left undone. Why, Trace?” I said as my sobs shook me in his arms as I clung to him harder.
“I don’t know, Beth. I don’t have that answer. But you know what he wanted. You know, I know, and everyone else knows that he wouldn’t want to be kept alive like this.”
“I can’t sign that paper, Trace.”
“Honey, you know this is what he would want.”
“How do I know that he wouldn’t pull through it? I can’t give up on him.”
“Beth, you’re not giving up on him. You would only be prolonging the inevitable. It’s better this way. As hard as it is, this is the best way. It’s going to hurt like hell, but we’ll get through it, together. You’re not in this alone.” He said as I felt tears of his own fall on my head. “Do you hear me? You’ll never be alone. We’ll do this together, ok? We’ll walk back into that room; I’ll hold your hand, whatever you need me to do.”
His hand went to my head and rubbed it as I continued to cry into his shirt.
I know he’s right.
But that’s my husband. His best friend. Lynn’s son.
And to a billion other people that I don’t know he’s the center of their attention and so much more.
After what seemed what seemed like hours of endless crying and getting myself together. I finally managed to walk back into the room and everyone was still as I left them.
“Honey, are you alright?” Lynn asked me as she stood up to grab my hands.
“No, but I know what I need to do.”
“It’s for the best. As hard and cruel as it is.”
Trace placed his hand on my back and guided me back to our seats. I sat down, and grabbed the pen, “Where do I sign?” I asked brokenly as the doctor grabbed the papers and fished through them to the page with the blank on it. “Here and…” He said as he turned to another, “…here.” Then slid them back over to me.
I took a deep breath as I looked at the page with a lot of black and white and the blank spot waiting for my signature.
How do we, no, how do I, survive a world without Justin Timberlake?
Pulling the papers closer I took another breath and pressed the pen to the paper and glided it across the paper and turned to the other and repeated the process. I let the pen drop and slid the papers back over to the doctor.
“We’ll let everyone have their moments with him. Then we’ll do what we have to and for the duration of the rest we’ll let you all in together. Until then it’s still one at a time.” He said as he stood and the rest of us followed his lead.
I reverted back to my natural state of tears and looked at him, “Thank you. Thank you for being so understanding, and for all you’ve done for Justin.”
“Yes, you’ve been so wonderful. I don’t know how we could ever repay you.” Lynn said as broken as me.
“I only wish I could have done more.” He said as he grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight once and then let it go gently. He went around and shook everyone’s hand and then made his exit.
Paul spoke up as he rubbed Lynn’s shoulders, “I’ll go and tell the boys. Beth would you like me to send in your mom?”
I shook my head as I bit my lip, “No. I’ll come out and see her in a moment.”
“Ok.” He said with a soft smile. He squeezed Lynn’s shoulders one more time before he left the room.
Lisa and Randy both made their way over to me and each gave me hugs of comfort and then left to discuss their plans for the boys.
Then Trace left to go get some air, and all left in the room were the wife and mother.
She got up from her chair to come and sit in the one beside me.
“That was so hard.” I said as the tears streamed and I began to sob again. I pulled one hand up to my forehead as I began to shake.
“Oh honey. I know. I don’t think I could have done what you just did.” She said as she pulled me as close as she could despite the arm rests that were separating us. “I brought him into this world…” her voice broke but she continued, “I just don’t think I can stand to watch him leave it. I’m not ready to give him up. But I guess God needs him more than us.”
“I’m sorry.” I said as I laid my head on her shoulder.
“Honey, don’t apologize. None of this is your fault.”
“Yes it is. I was so insistent on making him dinner that night. I had it all planned and when I was at the store earlier that day I forgot the sauce. I asked him to go get it. And…if I had just-“
“Beth, stop. None of this is your fault. You couldn’t have known.”
We sat in silence for a while longer just holding each other while the other cried. Until I finally stood up and wiped my tears off of my face, “I guess I need to get out there.” I said as I straightened my clothes. In my current state I didn’t look like the wife of a pop star.
“Yeah me too.” Lynn said as she stood beside me and pushed some hair out of face and behind my ear. She let her hand linger on my face, and she smiled down at me. “Before we go out there. I just want to say something.”
I nodded, “Ok.” I said as she let her hand fall to her side.
“I just…I just want to thank you I guess. For making him so happy. He loved you so much. He always has ever since you guys were just little kids taking baths together. I couldn’t have asked for someone better for my son than you. And in case I haven’t told you enough over the many years that I’ve known you, I love you. You’ve become so much like a daughter to me over the years and you are in the legal sense. I love you very much, and we’re going to get through this. I don’t know how, but we are. Never, ever, doubt that ok?”
I smiled through my tears and shook my head yes as she pulled me into a hug.
After a few seconds she pulled away and laced my fingers through hers, “Let’s go out there together. Because to be honest,” She said as her voice cracked and fresh tears brimmed in her eyes, “I don’t know if I’d be able to get through this without you here.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.” I said as I gave her hand a squeeze as she began to guide us toward the door.
I took a couple deep breaths as we neared the waiting room.
If I make through these next few hours it’ll be a miracle.
But I’m going to do it.
I’m going to reach way down deep inside myself and grab that strength that’s camping out way down at the bottom. After I use this I’m going to be running on empty. But it’s all I’ve got left.
Oh how fast your life can turn upside down.
Story Tags: tearjerker
